Wanting the impossible.

I've been thinking about "the impossibilities of judging another" for nearly 24 hours now.  It started with a comment I made on a Facebook post that got my thoughts swirling and my words forming, and now here I am.  With something much bigger than I originally intended to post.

Over the course of life you learn to never say never.  I can't stress how important this mantra has become to me.  And crucial.  Over time, you will find yourself in situations you never in a million years thought you'd be in, or could have ever planned for.  Planning, in fact, is a large part of the problem.  Planning is a trick and often has the reverse effect of what the intentions behind it are.  If you make a plan from which you tell yourself you cannot waver, any unexpected event or roadblock will only cause you grief.

Plans can of course be good.  It means you have an idea of what you want and what you're interested in.  That is, if it's your plan and not someone else's plan for you.  It means you're tuning in.  You're following your instincts and following your heart.

But the most important things of all when planning, are flexibility and adaptability.  That's the secret.  All the things you tell yourself when you're a teenager and in your early twenties (when you are one hundred and fifty percent sure of who you are, what you stand for, and all you'll ever want to be) only belong to a version of you.

You know the time you wait for (that you know one day will magically come) when you're finally a grown up, and you'll know how to be an adult? And what to do, and how to do it just like you see your parents do? It never comes.

It's all one big experiment up until our physical body expires.  An experiment for you, your parents, for anyone you've ever known or will know.

We're all making it up as we go along and doing our best for what is right for the version we are at any given moment in time.

As you grow and gather along the way all the unexpected, transformative, huge, and traumatic experiences that add to the sum of who you are, you realize just how impossible (and not only impossible but completely nonsensical) it is to ever judge another.

See, we never know what we're capable of until we're forced with the thing we swore we'd never have to do, or the situation we knew could never happen to us.

There's that word again.  Never.  Never say never.

If, or more importantly when, these lessons arise, be gentle with yourself.  Forgive.  It will wound you but it doesn't have to ruin you.  It feels for awhile like a betrayal to who we thought we were or who we wanted to be, finding ourselves in that spot that happen to other people but never to us.

Acceptance is crucial.  Accept simply that "we don't know what it is we don't know."  And that the same is true for any human, at any moment.  There is only sympathy.  There is only compassion.  The more you surprise yourself, survive, and age, the clearer this becomes.  That to judge another is impossible.  Everything you know to be true right now, can one day change by events in life that you'd never see coming.

You would want sympathy and understanding, and you certainly wouldn't want to be judged when it's you.  Why wouldn't everyone else want and deserve it, too?

Lately, when I see judgements passed it makes me sad.  A dull, deep, sadness.  I'm not sure why now, or why so sad.

Judging yourself or others is so small.  So incredibly small.  It comes from a small mind, a small world view, a small life, and keeps it small.  I do realize that judgement comes from a place of simply not knowing.  There should be compassion for that concept alone, and I'm trying.  But it hurts.  I'm not even talking about or being spurred on from any recent personal experience.  Just from observation.

Maybe it's because more than ever I am aware and understand that every fiber in me craves the opposite.  I choose big.  I want the biggest mind I'm capable of.  The biggest life with every possible experience.  The answers and opportunities to explore from getting the knowledge I'm seeking.  It's on full force within me.  The volume is up.

I've also been slowly but surely trying to wrap my head around and notice that our thoughts have everything to do with our happiness.  Our reality and how we perceive and experience the world.  Judging is negative.  Even if you don't realize it, the negative energy adds up.  Not only do others sense the negativity and instinctually avoid you, but it drains you.  And you aren't as happy.

The question I  keep coming back to when thinking about this is, "how can you judge what you don't know?" You don't know the decisions someone has had to make that they never wanted to, or planned on.  How can you tell anyone outside of yourself what is right? Or wrong?

It's like the Carl Sagan quote, "If you want to make apple pie from scratch, you must first invent the universe."  For someone to explain "why" they are the way they are to someone judging them for it, they would have to start with the moment of birth, and then every experience they've ever had, and the impact of every person they've ever encountered so you could understand what has shaped them into who they are up until that point.  But actually, then you'd need to go further back.  You'd have to explore the lives of the parents that birthed them.  Then their parents, and their lives, and their parents, their lives, and so on.

But here's the other thing.  No explanation is necessary.  To anyone outside of yourself.

You are enough.  You do what you can, with what you have, where you are, today.

If more people understood that, there would be more sympathy and less judgement.  Sure we all believe what we believe is right.  We may even think we need to spread messages to sway other people in to our beliefs or lifestyles.  But I'd like to suggest another way.  I think there's simply the way of sharing what we know.  I've said it a million times, we are each others teachers.  It's crucial.  What if instead of  preaching what we know is right or true, we just gave? What if we just share who we are, who we've been, and who we're becoming, and let others interpret and take from it what they will? And what if this sharing of the self came from a only a place of love? Of compassion? Of expecting nothing in return? Of a judgement free place.

What I realize is I am seeking the people who are big.  In mind, in heart, and in life.  The teachers.  The lifters.  The inspirations.  I want to surround myself with those who have the most knowledge.  The biggest minds.  The most open of hearts.

Those who will help me in spreading compassion.

There is only compassion.
There is only love.

Compassion and love bring unity.

We are all one.



Thanks for reading


My life in pictures: http://instagram.com/deena_marie/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TheDeenaShow
Video: http://www.youtube.com/beanerlarue

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The Meteor

Right now a meteor is passing above us.
Above you, above me.
Above the blue planet everyone you have ever known or heard of dwells.

Can you feel it? 
Can you feel the stir of the cosmos?

I long to see past the sky beyond the blue and into the infinite
I try to imagine the rush, the sound, the look, the spinning, even the smell

Ancestor in motion,
I wish I could meet you.

Sun pierced

When the sun peeks through and lasts the day
When it's finally too warm for my mittens
And I feel the slightest bit of sweat under my coat on the back of my neck
It begins to feel as though spring really will come,
And I will once again believe even though
I forget the miracle each and every year

Two oppositions being to stir in me.
I feel both claustrophobia, trapped by my physicality and yet
I remember I am limitless

I long to shapeshift, to leave my human form

In spring I can reset myself
My youth encompasses me
And I am freed

When you are meant to be everyone
and do everything,

nothing is ever enough

Short Hair don't care.

I did a NAHA shoot last month.

Yup, this means I changed my hair AGAIN.  I have some great behind the scenes photos I can't post.  The sneak peeks I got of the actual shoot are outta this world.  I can't wait for the reveal.  I wanted to show the new hair transition so I made the shots from the day of the shoot black & white and didn't show too much so you can't see the color my hair was, or the makeup, or any other details.

In my aim to have no attachment to my hair, I decided to go with the flow of what comes.

You know what? I really like having short hair and especially having some part of it shaved.  It feels rebellious against the standard of beauty we have had in our society for so long,  but that standard is definitely changing.  It's such an exciting time for women with what's becoming the norm for our hair (that sounds much more archaic than I hoped, but you know what I mean :) ).

I LOVE the current short hair trends.

Here's the latest transformation to pixie on the top, party in the back :)

Follow me on INSTAGRAM :)

At the beginning, there was...

Have you ever felt like your life was just about to begin?

I am standing at the precipice of a great beyond.  I am not scared.  I have been led by everything I've ever done, every experience I've ever had, and everyone I've ever known to get to this very spot.

I had no idea how many times we can be reborn in the course of one physical life.  Sometimes it is involuntary.  Sometimes it is a conscious decision.  Sometimes one leads to the other.

I am buzzing from head to toe.  I am a flutter.  Something is happening in me and around me and I knew this was the year for it to be so.

I want to shout from the rooftops all of my plans and all of the new directions I'm about to take.

I craved these changes for the last few years but didn't recognize what it was I needed, and often found the wrong thing.

Everything in its time.  When things align, when we learn the right lessons, when we begin to awake...only then we know what is calling us and what direction to take.

I will be a new person.

The old skin is shed.

I don't think I've been this excited for what is next.  I can't believe what lifting your limits, tuning in, and truly following your heart can do.

When things don't feel right, they simply aren't big enough for you.  Keep seeking.  Let the universe be your guide.  You wont go wrong.

I could never have guessed I'd be who I am and wanting what I want right now.  But I couldn't feel a stronger sense of right.

There is so much more to life that I'm supposed to explore.  When the world opens for you, you want to laugh and cry and tell everyone you know just how limitless we are.

I don't know if this is coming off vague, maybe.

Obviously I've been talking about really big life changes a lot.  I can't wait to dive in.  I can't wait for all of them to be official.

I get a lump in my throat thinking of all the new possibilities...

Near-death experiences occur when the soul leaves the nervous system and enters the universe, claim two quantum physics experts

What used to be "enough" for me before, simply isn't anymore.  :)

More later.

Everything in its time.

I want.

I want.
I want to explore places far from here and feel my size in each.
I want to feel tiny while suspended in immensity.
I want to feel limitless while on my own two feet.
I want each moment to feel different.
I want to travel for hours, enter new time zones
and see things I don't yet know exist.
I want to learn constantly of my smallness on the earth
and try in vain to understand how grand the universe is
a little more with each bit of new.

I want to leave earth.
I want to see it from the outside in
I want to break my own heart with the beauty of the beyond
Only then will I feel like I've returned to my roots,
to where I was born.
in stars,
in sky.
I want my ears to ring with the music of the spheres.

I want to feel extreme climates and every texture of the earth
I want to see color that never ends
I want to grow bigger with each bit of new
I want to forget I'm human
I want to forget what I look like, my name, all I've done
I want to dissolve into oneness
dissipate into the whole...



That's how I feel when I see pictures like this:

The story of the Bluebird

I can't believe I'd forgotten to write about the bluebird.  I can only guess that at the time it felt private so I didn't get into it, and then so much has happened since I'd just never shared it.  I've meant to.

This happened when I was in NYC at the end of last year.  It was on the night I went to Sleep No More.  Looking back over my blog it was the night of October 8, only I know it was pretty late after the show, drinks, pizza, and finally getting on the subway.  So it must have been during the first moments of October 9th, 2012.

John (my friend who I stayed with) and I got on the subway and we were still wearing our masks from Sleep No More pushed up onto our heads.  We had a bit of a ride ahead of us, and we'd just started to settle in the doors opened and a lady got on and sat next to us.  She asked what our masks were for.

When I'm in NYC I have to change, I have to adapt to a new pace and lifestyle.  I have to toughen up and fight a little more, at all times.  I have to brave heckling and unwelcome conversation from men, homeless people, and strangers daily.  It's draining for me.  I purposely close off.  For some reason though, in the split second (that felt like a minute) of deciding how to proceed with this lady sitting down with us and clearly about to engage us in conversation something inside me said, "be open", so I changed my go to reaction to shut out this stranger, and instead turned toward her and told her we'd just come from a show.

I'm not sure how old I'd guess she was.  In her 60's? I'm really bad at telling age.  She was plump.  Happy.  Jolly.  She's someones mom, I thought.  She was by herself and had a lot of stuff with her.  I was instantly curious why she was alone so late.  What was someones mom doing so late on the subway alone? Where had she come from? Where was she going to?

I liked her immediately.  It was weird.  Like how you just know sometimes that someone is good, or even a little special.  She talked my ear off the entire way, and never once did I try to nudge John to save me or get him involved in the conversation.  I spent the whole ride listening to her and asking questions.  It was bizarre, but I felt like I was supposed to see what this was all about.

I'm friendly, but I am not nor will I ever be the person who plops down and meets a friend on a subway or plane or in a line at a store.  I just don't do that.  I don't talk to strangers.

She talked first about Liam Neeson which reminded me of my mom (her crush) which led into a very long story about her sister teaching Natasha Richardson in a Montessori school and how sad it was when she died, which somehow (and I'm still not sure how this even came up) led to her singing "There'll be bluebirds over the white cliffs of dover".  At times she was a little quite, hard to hear so bits got lost on me.  But when she sang this I perked right up.

That's my Grandpas song! He sang that all the time growing up.  That song and my Grandpa are synonymous.  I was so excited I told her she was the only other person I'd ever hear sing that song.  Then just as she'd begun to as me about my Grandpa, we reached our stop.

She was a bit eccentric, but so nice.  I knew there was something about this exchange that had been special, but the skeptic in me was still waiting for the crazy to come out as I had to abruptly end the conversation and get off.  Wait for it, wait for it, brace for the crazy, I thought.  But no.  Not ever.  Not one bit.  She made our goodbye the most natural thing in the world, and actually, I was the one who came off as a awkward when I left.

As we walked to the apartment, John said he wasn't sure if I'd needed him to save me.  I said no, she was great and how weird that was that I'd just met a sweet, not one bit crazy lady that sang me my grandpas song!

One month and one day later, my Grandpa died.

When we planned his funeral I said to my mom, we have to play "There'll be bluebirds over the white cliffs of dover".  She'd forgotten about the song! It was played.  I listened to it a couple of times when he first passed, then when it was played at the funeral.  I haven't been able to listen to it since.  I don't want to.  Yet.  I'll post it here, but even when I go to get it I won't have the sound on so I don't accidentally hear.  THE SONG. 

I still keep thinking about my strange exchange.  What was that? It was different.  It was meaningful.  I knew it then and I knew it now.

In writing about it, it seems like the conversation went mom, death, grandpa.  And my mom was there visiting my grandparents when he died.  Was this a foreshadowing? It didn't pick up on death or bad news on the subway or at all over the next month and one day.  I only picked up on my grandpa.  Whatever that meant.

I was talking about this again with my mom a couple of days ago.  She said that in the final weeks of his life, my Grandpa asked about me and talked about me more than anyone.  He was constantly asking how I was doing in NYC and when the hurricane hit he kept asking if I was okay.  She said I was on his mind, and that he'd gotten a message to me.

I don't know if I believe in guardian angles, or if I even know what that means, but that's what she felt like.  I don't know how else to explain it.

But it was something.

Something...else.

I knew it then.

I know it still.

My Grandpa.

My bluebird.

Follow the omens

Do you believe in omens? Signs from the universe?

Every few years I read "The Alchemist" by Paulo Coelho.  I remember my first time through, years ago.  I wondered what all the talk of omens meant.  I sure wanted to believe that I could somehow follow a trail of omens to my destiny.  But how would I do it? Would these omens be something I would need to learn to conjure up?  Attract like "The Secret"? Whatever that means.  Why wasn't I lucky enough to have signs popping up around me, to show me I was on the right path? Or...could it be I wasn't quite understanding the concept?

Years later (and a whole bunch of books, life experience and new knowledge later) I got it.  It's not as literal as I originally thought.  You have to tune in.  You have to become aware.  You have to notice.  You can't brush them off.  They are there.  They are every bit as magical.

Deepak Chopra talks a lot about something similar, called syncrodestiny.  The coincidences of the universe.

"When a coincidence arises, don’t ignore it. Ask yourself, What is the message here? What is the significance of this? You don’t need to go digging for the answers. Ask the question, and the answers will emerge. They may arrive as a sudden insight, a spontaneous creative experience, or they may be something very different. Perhaps you will meet a person who is somehow related to the coincidence that occurred. An encounter, a relationship, a chance meeting, a situation, a circumstance will immediately give you a clue to its meaning. “Oh, so that’s what it was all about!”

The key is to pay attention and inquire.

I wanted neon signs with my name and and arrow signs, but if we're searching for something of that magnitude we don't see the our real guideposts.  

I have tuned in.  I have opened up.  I am listening.  I am slowing down and noticing.  In doing so over many months, I can tell you that we've got a great relationship, the universe and I.  She leaves me love notes to both teach and confirm what I know.  And she reminds me when I forget.  If we let the universe show us the way every day, we can't possibly go wrong.  

It is true that the greatest things we'll ever learn are love, self respect, that we are exactly enough just as we are, and that the greatest pilgrimage we'll ever make is within our own body.

Last year (my dark and dismal year) I started to take notice of peacocks.  Peacocks everywhere I looked.  On tv, online, on merchandise, painted on walls, in real life.  It got strange.  Really strange.  Okay, I thought.  I'm listening.  I wonder what they're trying to tell me? I looked up the symbolism of a peacock, and wouldn't you know it.  Renewal.  Resurrection.  A phoenix.  Spirituality.  AWAKENING.  And if you know me or follow me here then you'd know just how much that pertained to what I went through and how I'd describe the most trying and life changing year I'd ever had.  

One day last summer I was outside on a run, and out of nowhere on the sidewalk was this (just when I needed it more than you could know):

Something else happened that was so obvious.  So blatant.  I couldn't not see it as a sign.  It has to do with a name, but I'm keeping this one to myself.  

The one that really makes our jaws drop, happened right after my Grandpa died.  I was leaving Southern Utah a day after the funeral and on the way out my Grandma asked me if I wanted to take a box of candles.  My sweetheart loves candles so I said okay.  I took the big brown box and we put it in the car.  It smelled of my childhood home.  I brought it inside and it sat on the kitchen counter for a few days.  We all discussed my grandma.  At their age and after being partners for so long it can by typical for the other to pass shortly after losing their spouse.  We all wondered, would this happen with my Grandma? 

I had given them new nicknames and for the last few months I would refer to them as Tiny Brown or Little Brown and Mr. Shuffles when I would talk about them with my sweetheart or parents. One day, my sweetheart and I are sitting at the kitchen table and we can't believe we haven't noticed what the candle box says:

If you ask me, it doesn't get any more personal than that.  Her nickname.  And a message that her life is far from over.  

Two weeks ago I found this on the ground:

And today on a wall that was blank yesterday was:

For awhile I've been entertaining some thought about what I've jokingly called to my close friends and family, "quitting the biz".  Am I serious? Do I really want to give up acting? Kind of.  Hang on, let me explain.  I will never quit, but I do want more in my life.  I have too many other parts left waiting to be fueled.  And boy, they are hungry.  I'm suddenly craving adding more in and being okay with taking time away from.  But I also know how important it is to go with the flow.  To be open.  To have a plan but to be adaptable.  To follow the omens.  

The omens have shown me in huge and surprising ways that it's not meant for me to be announcing my "quitting" anytime soon.  From three theatres contacting me for various things at once, to my dream project that had only been a fantasy all but two weeks ago, to being recognized (as an actress) when I was in a place trying to get the ball rolling for the next new adventure in my life.  

And last but not least, a friend who had no idea I felt this way wrote me a message telling me he'd had a dream I wanted to quit and he was sent from the future telling me I wasn't supposed to.  

And then there is the number.  After my grandpa died I slipped back into a bad way...for a few days.  That's all I allowed myself.  I decided I needed to live.  I needed to go forward.  I needed to go on.  If I didn't, my sadness would eat me alive.  I would be gone.  So suddenly I did.  

And I have been okay.  I have been better than okay.  

As the year ended and the new one began, everything finally feels aligned! Things are right.  Things are in place.  Things are clear.  And during this time I started seeing a number.  The same number, everywhere.  Even more than the peacock.  It was starting to drive me crazy because I couldn't figure out what it meant.  Long story short this number is associated with a God of Healing.  My healing has been happening as I've been seeing this number everywhere.  

I've seen it less the more progress I made.

Now, I do find that a scientific truth about the world we live in is more magical to me than any religious story.  The amazements we can prove in discovering our own universe is far bigger and exciting to me than an organized religion with a god.  However, I believe that all religion is true.  What is your truth, is your truth.  What is my truth is my truth.  What his or hers is his or hers, etc.  We have no idea what each others journeys are about.  Who is anyone to tell another their truth is right or wrong? 

"If there's only one nation in the sky, shouldn't all passports be valid for it? - Yann Martel 

One thing I like about getting older is the need to explain yourself to others goes away.  You can finally just put it all out there and know that it is what you offer, and that it is enough. 

But despite anything that may be proven (as of right now), there are still things that can't be explained.  The omens being one.  

Could I have read too much into these? Could coincidence be just that and nothing more? Maybe.  Sure.  But I am going to choose to believe in taking notice.  In following my omens.  If it helps me to get to my final destination with a little more comfort, so be it.  

I'll see you at the end and I'll be able to tell you I have indeed enjoyed the journey.  

"We are all just walking each other home" - Ram Dass

This is the one of several joint blog / shared topics with JayC Stoddard.  It's amazing how our blogs on the same subject are so different, so similar, and so complimentary to the other persons.  Every time.  Coincidence? You be the judge: JAYC STODDARD his blog is brilliant, you should follow it :) 

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My life in pictures 

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A series of goodbyes with stolen moments

Life is a series of goodbyes with stolen moments.  
The stolen moments are to be cherished.  


I am full to the brim.  Bursting at the seams, swirling with memories.  I can hardly sleep or eat because they're so busy in me.  Fragments coming up to the surface all through the day, and in my dreams at night.  Calling to me.  Frantic for me to write them out.  It's hard to know where to begin.

I've started work this week on a project that has been a dream come true.  Another example that "what you seek is seeking you."  Make a plan, but be adaptable.  Let the universe show you the way every day.  I'm in the midst of co - creating a mixed media performance piece at The Leonardo.  I get to use my own words, my original ideas, incorporate my favorite music and pieces of poems and novels.  It's what I've been aching for, for so long.  And it's here.  And it's happening.  And it's just the beginning.  Mixing and making magic of science and love.   

I can't shut off my brain right now.  I never want to leave our meetings.  I am full of ideas.  Of visions.  I could do this all day.  I have been immersed in words and images and I'm finding that this kind of creating cracks me open.  In a good way.  In a right and welcome way.  Bits of my life, my childhood, my family, my experiences will be laid bare and made beautiful onstage.  The timing is perfect.

I have also been able to reflect this last week on my life, currently, and what it is I have.  I have a deeper understanding of my own relationship as we've begun to dissect and discuss LOVE.  I've always known I was lucky, but I'm not sure I knew just how lucky.  Two people trying to fit together is hard enough, let alone easily.  How do we ever find anyone we fit with? How do we find someone that not only fits us, but enhances us? And have it come easy?

Timing really is everything, isn't it? And what you do with time? If you stick something out, if you walk away.

But what are the odds that in all of the cosmos at any given time you can meet your person.  Your person out there in the cosmos that will magically fit with you.  Your puzzle piece.  The one that really fits, not the one you force.  What determines when fate blows you their way, or them yours? Why do I get to experience that? Why am I one of the lucky ones? Why doesn't everyone get this?

Those who came before him weren't bad people, they just simply weren't a fit, or were on my path at the wrong time.

But why? I don't know.

I can feel it.  It's visceral.  The gathering of those past, present, and yet to come.  Isn't it interesting that we travel through time and space, collecting our people along the way? Not just lovers, or a love in the romantic sense, but we build our family.  We find our dog.  We find our cat.  We find our best friends.  We find those in the connected by blood category that we have extra special bonds with.  One day we meet our child.

And how do we seem to find the right ones? What are the odds we meet people who become best friends? How come sometimes we know it instantly? You! You are mine.  My people.  What are the chances or the reason behind me walking into a certain place on a certain day and finding my pup, Noodles? Picking the pup who I'd bond with beyond what I ever could have anticipated.  Knowing there's someone I was meant to be with in that little five pound body.  Sometimes seeing a wise sage I've known before, other times seeing my baby.  My child.  A soulmate.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say, other than I'm just thinking about all of this right now and wondering how and why.

And thinking about how none of it can be kept.  Nothing can be.  It is all so fleeting.  You get to be mine and I get to be yours but just for a minute.  That minute may be a year, it may be twelve, it may be until one of us is gone from the earth. It won't last.

We can only experience each other in ages.  In phases.  In stages.  Until we become something else.  Until a different type of people is needed, we evolve together, we meet at the wrong time and keep searching, or our physical body expires.

We meet in the midst of our big, long goodbye.
And such is life.  And so it goes.
There are just these stolen moments sprinkled throughout when it times out just right. Notice them.  Feel them.  Really, feel them.  Appreciate them.

Because it's just for a second.

Hang on.

Then let go...


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My life in pictures

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HAPPY NEW YEAR!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Welcome to a new year, a fresh start, a clean slate.
I feel like I've just hatched from an egg!
Things feel better already, don't they?

"Begin today. Declare out loud to the universe that you are willing to let go of struggle and eager to learn through joy." 

I'm finally using the Instagram I started (one year ago today) regularly.
I've posted several pics from last nights New Years Eve celebration.  That was the first NYE in years I've spent with my family rather than friends.  Tradition is important, but so is NEW.  So we combined the two.  We made reservations at our favorite New Years restaurant, the same one we've been to for years, only this time with the family.  Then came back to our house.  It was perfect.

The state I was in coming out of / entering a new year last year was toxic.  This year is completely opposite.  I've realized now that if your rebirth is in chaos and negativity you set yourself right up for a downward spiral.

Today I was born in lightness.  In air.  In happiness.


I wrote one last blurb of the year on my facebook yesterday:

An ending & a beginning: If you know me or follow my blog, then you know that 2012 was the worst year of my life. I am so glad that in a matter of hours 2012 will no longer exist, and that I made it through! There really is no way out, but through. I came out transformed. It was my 365 day crash course in life's hardest lessons. It was the year of loss and impossible goodbyes, but also the year of the soul. I found lessons in everything and grew more in a short time than I would have thought possible. It was the start of a major transformation and rebirth. I leap into the new year a new person. Nice to meet you, universe. 2013 is my time to dig deeper into the unexplored parts of myself that I've left waiting. It's time to fuel my spiritual scientist. It's the year to create, in all ways. To express in new mediums. To share my words further, and to learn all I can. To follow the lead each time my heart pulls me toward something. To remember I am responsible for my own happiness and happiness is something I can chose each new day. I am so grateful to embark with my family connected to each other. 

Goodbye. Hello. Forward...forward now. ♥

NYC #15 - Wrap up

I'd been blogging my NYC stay every sunday, but I never got around to the final post.  My Grandpa suddenly passed away & sent my world into a tailspin again.  I came home a day early.  I really wanted to conclude my posts and I hope I kept track of what I did the final week.  Let me open up my calendar I was keeping and see what I've got.  This last one probably wont be as detailed, but at least I'll have documented it all.

Sunday November 4
Mexican Food date with the roomies at Ariba Ariba.

Monday November 5
A dinner and a drink with Scotty & Tyrel at Lillies in Union Square.

Tuesday November 6
Figaro at The Pearl.  I've never seen a cast of more beautiful women before.  Each one, so striking.  Every time a new one came out it took me aback.

Wednesday November 7
Met my scene partner David to work on our Measure for Measure scene for my final Shakespeare course on monday.  We sat working and just talking for hours.  It started snowing like crazy! I could barely keep my feet on the ground, and the wind blowing was painful.  Snow and ice kept getting in my eyes and it hurt.  I stopped for pad tai around the corner when I left Davids and hopped on the subway to Times Square where I saw "Dead Accounts" with Katie Holmes.

Thursday November 8
Went to visit Joyce Cohen! One of the people in my life who truly inspires me.  She talked about having a "big life".  And completely understood the importance of having that big life to bring back to your partner.

Friday November 9
An audition for "The Winter's Tale".  I'll remember this as one of the best auditions I've had.  Started day one of our Neutral Mask Workshop at the Movement Theater Studio NYC taught by Adrienne Kapstein.

Saturday November 10
Day two of Mask, followed by seeing a production of Golden Boy".  This was a special show for me to see for two reasons.  One, when I was a student at Atlantic a scene I was working on from Golden Boy was chosen to perform for David Mamets master class.  I'd never seen the play done before.  And two, Tony Shallhoub was in it.  There's a running joke now with two plays I've been in where I have spread the word Tony was in the audience. Someone falls for it every time.  This was my chance to get a picture with him after to conclude the ultimate joke.

I was having a great day and night, then I went home and got the word my grandpa suddenly died.

Sunday November 11
I got no sleep.  I cried all night.  I wanted to get home as fast as possible.  I couldn't believe this was real.  The rug had been pulled out from under me.  What should I do? What could I do? I was so far.  I went to my third and final Mask class.  With my bloodshot eyes.  I talked with my roomie on the subway the entire way there.  I was determined to get through.

Monday November 12
Last Shakespeare class.  It was wonderful.  David & I took a picture and said goodbye before I hopped on the subway to pack up and leave.  John helped me get a car, we said our goodbyes, and there I went.

As quickly as it had begun, my journey was over.

I've purposely left out details on classes.  What I did, what I learned, what was said, what the instructors were like.  That was for me.  If you want to know more, maybe in person I'll tell you sometime.

I needed this.  I needed to prove things to myself.  I needed to get away.  I needed to come back.  I needed to learn, grow, make peace, move forward.  It was absolutely invaluable.

New York, I love you.


The shows  (in order.)
1.) Folsom Prison Shots presented by aMios – under St. Marks

2.) Harper Reagan – Atlantic Theater Company 

3.) Prelude, The Return of the Singspeil – CUNY

4.) Cyrano – Roundabout

5.) Sleep No More - McKittrick Hotel 

6.) Once - Broadway 

7.) Pericles – Animus Theatre Company 

8.) Love Poems for Dead Bodies (reading) – Your Name Here

9.) Chicago - Broadway 

10.) Taming of the Shrew – Frog and Peach

11.) Ivanov – Classic Stage

12.) Peter & the Starcatcher - Broadway 

13.) The Heiress - Broadway 

14.) Hamlet - Wooster Group 

15.) Giant – The Public

16.) King Lear – American Bard Theater Co.

17.) Company – The Gallery Players

18.) Who’s afraid of Virgina Wolf - Broadway 

19.) Figaro - The Pearl 

20.) Dead Accounts - Broadway 

21.) Golden Boy - Broadway


My favorite? #11 (not only of this trip but my favorite straight play I've ever seen).
Close behind are #4, #18, #13.

The classes

Shakespeare with Seth Barrish of The Barrow Group 

Red Bull Classical Theater Workshop
with Liz Smith, Matt Rauch & artistic director Jesse Berger 

Neutral Mask Workshop at the Movement Theater Studio NYC
taught by Adrienne Kapstein 

Actors Movement Studio with Janice Orlandi 

The story
NYC 14
NYC 13
NYC 12
NYC 11
NYC 10
NYC 9
NYC 8
NYC 7  
NYC 6
NYC 5
NYC 4 
NYC 3 
NYC 2
NYC 1
NYC Bound once again

Speak a new language

Speak a new language 
so that the world 
will be 
a new world 

-Rumi 

April, June, December
Metamorphosis, Shed a skin

Just a little over six months in between
Grow, Rebirth

...2012 fades away, the evolution of a contained 365 days complete,
and a new year is being born...

Join me: Instagram 

Deena Marie 


★ 

What's in a name?

This blog has grown and evolved over the years and a new name was needed.
BeanerLarue is no longer the title for this place...

Everything that has come before remains.
Thank you for being here for the ride so far!
Let's see where the future takes these words.

New mediums are planned for my words in the new year...
each moment has been a stepping stone for me to realize
that at my core I've always been and always will be...


a Shapeshifting Poet.


I will sing my words, dance them, act them, write them, speak them.
I will continue to give them to you, in all my forms.


I was once called a Walking Poem.  
Needless to say, no compliment or description of me ever has 
or ever could match that.



Deena Marie

Sweetwater by Javen Tanner

Sweetwater

It has taken me a long time to get here. The circumstances are less than ideal: a believer in the age of reason.
I have driven from New York. Filthy and bloodshot,

I begin to cry before I even reach the bank. A bluebird dips in front of me and laughs, and I scold myself
for immediately turning him into my heart.

When I was a child I heard the story of a man who walked a thousand miles. He crossed the Mississippi, the Missouri, and others.

But when he came to this river––this small river–– exhausted and starving, the thought of crossing broke his will, and he sat on the bank and wept.

The Sweetwater got its name because of its potability in contrast with the many alkaline water sources along the Oregon Trail in Wyoming.

There are stories of travelers beating their animals away from poisonous waters, trying to keep them alive until they reached the Sweetwater.

It has taken me a long time to get here.
Beaten from other waters, I want to drink;
I want to cross. Instead, I kneel and throw my sobs up

where they mix with the bluebird’s song,
where my weeping joins the weeping of generations, saying: we follow the heart no matter how unreasonable

the journey. And for each of us there comes a time when we cannot cross the water, no matter how sweet the destination. But the heart flies over.

––Javen Tanner 

Sting & Honey  

Take these with you...

Winter Solstice.

The world did not end.  The days will now get longer.  The light will start to come.

Into the new beginning I take the following:


1.) Dwell lightly in the body

2.) Respond to every call that excites your spirit

3.) I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.



Tweet: @DeenaMarie