Showing posts with label deenamarie. Show all posts
Showing posts with label deenamarie. Show all posts

Mar 14, 2019

Burn

The other night I dreamt my childhood home burned to the ground. I stood on top of the rubble, with other members of my family. I looked to each of them for a place to live, to be taken in. There was no one for me to stay with. Although in reality this home was sold shortly after I'd moved to New York, in my dream all of my belongings had still been in the house, and now they were gone. Everything I'd owned had burned, but I wasn't phased. In fact, I felt a relief. I could start fresh. I needed, and was attached to, nothing. Yet there was a realization of how special the walls of that home had been. What they had held was scared, and now it was gone...as if it had never stood there in the first place.

I've often documented my dreams, and the visions that have come to me in the in-between here. Some I understand the meaning of right away, and seem almost more real than reality.

This one makes sense. I've been in a state of emotional purging recently. A lot of gunk has built up inside me over the last few years. Trapped in me, I've been living with the sickness of it. PTSD, and anxiety. Physical manifestations that breathe down my neck daily, and dull my sparkle. Only recently has it started to pour out, mostly in the form of tears. This is unusual for me, to have bouts of crying. Sometimes full-on sobs. I have been in fight-or-flight for so long. I've had to hold off on letting it out due to the battles I've had to fight, raising my son, and simply not having the time. But lately it's leaking out, ready or not.

This isn't a bad thing. The webs are untangling inside from around my brain, and heart. The water from my tears is cleansing. "Make space. Clear the way." It whispers..

I have had a sense that a new page is just about to turn. The next chapter is so close. New players will enter, a new stage is set, and life begins, anew. I see white light where I once saw no color at all. I feel warmth right around the corner, coming to me from the opposite direction.

I have only felt on the verge like this one other time. I searched through my old posts until I found it, and wouldn't you know it, the date was February 2013 (here). Exactly one month before absolutely everything about my life changed in a million ways I never could have seen coming.

Is there a shedding of the skin every six or so years? I laugh to myself, remembering that every seven or so we literally become new people, as every cell in our body replaces itself with a new one.

Of course. 

I hope I'm right about this precipice. I have no reason to doubt. Everything I once had burned to the ground. I need nothing other than walls to house a sacred space, where that ends up is TBD.

But I stand calmly on the rubble.
A clean slate.
I don't feel loss.
I am not empty.
There is a hint of spring in the breeze.

I wait...

.
.
.
.


Apr 29, 2016

Well-Read Women

It's almost Mother's Day, and I'm especially excited since it's the first one I'll be celebrating! Until then, I'm going to be posting some of my favorite gift ideas from Got Beauty! 


First up, Well-Read Women
Portraits of Fiction's Most Beloved Heroines 
by Samantha Hahn



Beautiful quotes and illustrations from the famous ladies of Romeo & Juliet, The Great Gatsby, The Wizard of Oz, Madame Bovary, Lolita, The Scarlett Letter, A Doll's House, and so many more. $19.95


















Apr 4, 2016

Post Baby Body Secrets

I wanted to talk about body after baby because the idea of what my body would go through during a pregnancy and where it would end up was so daunting to me. I didn't know what transformation was in store, if I'd go back to where I started out quickly, if ever. There's no way to know what your body will do, going through a first pregnancy and childbirth.






This journey was all about TRUST for me. Trusting my body to know what to do, trusting it to carry and deliver my baby, and trusting it's recovery.

I was shocked at every turn. My body always knew what to do. I don't know why I kept expecting it to fail, but I did at every turn. I was nervous something would go wrong the entire time. I hardly enjoyed being pregnant because I was so stressed. During Charlie's quick birth (1 minute 36 seconds) the doctor and nurses told me it was because I was so healthy, my uterus was healthy and squeezed him right out just like it's meant to do.

I certainly didn't expect recovery from childbirth to go so quickly and smoothly (I was only a little uncomfortable for the first week and the most uncomfortable part was actually trying to sit with an ice pack), and I never imagined my body would look (nearly) back to normal so fast.

I wanted to share with you what I did during and after pregnancy so that any woman expecting a baby or planning on it in the future who felt as scared of the unknown as I did can try my tips and tricks. It is an unknown, there is no guarantee, but maybe I can take a little of the fear and mystery away, as well as give you some things you can actively do to bounce back.

1.) Work out
I was walking on the treadmill or outside on warmer days for an hour at a time, 5 days a week Some days the time may have been 45 minutes, or I'd have a 4 day week, but I was walking regularly up until the day I delivered.

2.) Stretch Marks
They say they are hereditary, and women in my family got them. I didn't. I used Palmers Cocoa Butter for Stretch Marks daily. Did it help? Some women swear by it, some say it doesn't do anything. All I know is that I used it, and I didn't have a problem. Worth a try!

3.) Belly Binding
I'd planned on doing this for months. I asked my doctor for a belly band and I got it the day after I delivered. I've worn it nearly 24/7 (I take small breaks here and there). I even sleep in it. Each day since I've seen a difference as it's helped me squish everything back together. The results are super quick. Again, some doctors and women will swear by it, some won't. Do your research and follow your instincts. I'm a firm believer.

I'm not exactly the same as I was before, but it hasn't even been three weeks. Everything in it's time. In the end, it doesn't matter. My body gave me Charlie, and I'd take it any way it wanted to end up. I've never felt more beautiful or appreciative of my body for doing what it did. You'll never hear me say a negative thing about my body again.


Deena


Feb 12, 2016

Progress weeks 33-36! 1 month to go!

1 month to go exactly now.

However, my instinct is that he may be here earlier. I kept dreaming that he came early in the beginning of my pregnancy. I also dreamt that my bump was too small right before the Dr. appointment where I did measure small and we had to check him out on an ultrasound. We'll see! 

Below are the most recent progress pics. Still amazes me how different the bump looks clothed vs unclothed! It also depends on what I'm wearing. I don't always dress to show it off. It depends on my mood, and who I'm going to be around. Sometimes I don't mind showing it off, and other times I feel too vulnerable, and don't want the attention.

I'm at the end and I'm still getting the "I couldn't even tell you were pregnant!" Three times from strangers just this last week when it came up with a cashier and at the hair salon. My limbs have stayed basically the same size, I'm all tummy. I feel like an egg on legs! He dropped Monday, Feb 1st so I'm going along at a slow waddle. It feels like there is a bowling ball on my pelvis. I'm peeing nonstop and it's not the most comfortable I've ever been, but at least I'm no longer unable to breath. I'd been so claustrophobic I was on the verge of panic at times.

I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm feeling better (emotionally and mentally) than I've felt all pregnancy, knowing it's the end! I can't wait to write that blog I keep promising on how I learned to truly appreciate my body. 











                                                 I forgot to take week 35 pictures







~DM

Jan 26, 2016

What's on the inside

I have sat down to write about my personal pregnancy journey this far (nearing week 34) a few times now, and it never comes out right. While it feels good for me to purge my thoughts, it doesn't end up being something I want to post. I suppose that falls in line with how I've felt all along the way. Tidbits are fun to share, but only to a point. This is such a private, vulnerable, and intimate time. I am reluctant to let the world in. I'm not even sure what I want to say today.




I saw this photo and it touched me deeply. The phrase that sprang into my mind was, "It's what's on the inside that counts." I giggled to myself, but these words have never rang more true to me as they do with pregnancy. This may be repetitive to you if you've been following my blog, but I've had a hard time with everyone commenting on appearance. Mine, and pregnant women in general. It's like it's the only thing anyone can, wants, or knows how to talk about. They compare you to others, or their former pregnant selves, they hijack your stories to talk of their own experience, and they offer unwelcome advice.

It's hard enough to trust your own body, which is now doing something it's never done before, and get comfortable in skin you've never lived in before. With all the information out there, books to read, the focus narrowed to our outward appearance of what our growing bellies look like, all that's sacred about pregnancy is easily lost in the shuffle.

I've had quite an internal struggle with the concept of trust. The further I get and can look back on my pregnancy, I see (knock on wood) it's been fairly smooth sailing. The problem is, I've spent the majority of my pregnancy afraid of what my body will or will not do. It's been a time of great stress for me. It's been eye opening to see that for most of my life I haven't trusted my own body. I've been waiting for it to fail me in some way, and for no reason. It hasn't done so yet.

Why aren't we helping to empower pregnant women instead? Why aren't we simply listening to whatever they choose to share about their experience, or expressing genuine happiness for them and leaving it at that? Why do we instead offer unsolicited advice? Or tell them they look bigger than her, or smaller than her? How is this helpful in any way? Why aren't we connecting deeper as not only women and mothers, but as fathers and humans?

This is the time to reshape the frame we hang any and all ideas of what womanhood and human life mean. 

I am reminded once again that life and birth are part of the same whole. Until you experience it (especially that earth-shattering first), there is no way you can fully relate. With both there is transformation. There is the deepest permanence. An end, and a beginning. A metamorphosis that can only come with life, and with death.

It's a rearranging of identity, and purpose, and intention of how we will now choose to live.

It can be fun to document through imagery a growing belly. For my sake mostly, but also for my family and friends. But that's just the external. Belly size, maternity clothes, and weight gain are the last on the list of what's interesting about pregnancy, not to mention what matters.

It's my journey of pregnancy, yes. But even more, it's his journey. It's his journey into life.

I'm merely a vessel. 

I prefer to concentrate on the depth of what this experience is as the two of us race toward the finish line. Our combined energy is palpable. I prefer to think about how I will explain the world to him when he is here. I'd rather wonder how sensitive, dreamy, and wise my little pieces may or may not be, and how no matter what he is I will never label it. I will never tell him he should be one thing, or should not be another, or should have any other interest or love than whatever he will innately bring into the world. I will teach him from day one that the universe is vast, the possibilities are endless, and the only right way is the right way for him. I'd rather focus on what it may feel like in six-ish weeks from now when my body, heart, and soul crack open in ways I can only begin to fathom. When I get to meet someone I somehow know, but have never seen.

This, this, all of this...

This is for him.



"There is no way out of the experience except through it, because it is not really your experience at all but the baby's. Your body is the child's instrument of birth."
-Penelope Leach 



xo Deena Marie

Jan 16, 2016

Bump Progress! Weeks 26 - 32

Here we are! Final trimester. Yesterday marked the start of week 32, which means we're only 8 weeks away from the due date! I have so much to say about my experience up to this point, and will be doing so in a new post soon. For now, here's the latest in my (very unglamorous) weekly pictures.

For weeks 21 - 25, click here.
For pre-pregnany - week 20, click here. 







I wanted to document the difference of the bump covered vs uncovered.
Looks so different! 


I found out my calculations had been off by about a week! 








~ DM


Dec 8, 2015

Papaya Art

I've been obsessed with Papaya Art since I first saw their makeup bags a few months ago. The artwork and design are just beautiful! I recently learned that this Oregon based family business has been around since 2003, and started out as just 20 greeting cards before growing to hundreds of fine lifestyle and stationary offerings! I want them all.

If you're local, you're lucky because Got Beauty in sugarhouse carries some of their stuff! Remember my Hello Honey Bunny post a few weeks ago? Papaya Art. And look at this bag. Perfect to pack your makeup in when traveling, or to use as a purse. I love these unique little pieces of art.

Head to sugarhouse when you're out Christmas shopping this month and pick up an item or two!

Oh, and prices? This one is only $29. Get real.








~DM

Dec 4, 2015

All about the brow!

I've been obsessed with brows as long as I can remember. Good eyebrows are so important, and can completely transform a face. Perfectly groomed brows have never been more popular. It's almost overwhelming how many options are out there right now with brow makeup.

I've always done my own. I have a pretty high arch naturally, and plucked to play that up. This meant thinning my brow, and right now big brows are in. I blame/thank Cara Delevingne! 

Over the last few months I decided to let my brows grow. This meant other than between the brows and the occasional real straggler, no plucking. I was curious to see what would come in, and take the change to reshape them. I love mixing it up with my look.

The photo below was over the summer (right), vs a week or so ago (left). I'm not sure if you can tell on the left, but despite my anastasia dip brow over my brows, they were getting pretty unruly! It was getting harder to put makeup in unkempt brows, and it wasn't hiding the every which way hairs. They needed help, and I'd let it go so long that for the first time in my life, I didn't want to touch them myself!


I made my first ever appointment to have them waxed and tinted with Michelle at Got Beauty. I've been so protective of my brows (I may be a bit of a control freak), but I knew this was the time to hand them over to an expert.

Um, why haven't I done this sooner? She was great! We talked about the thickness and color we were going for, and then she showed me a couple of spots to see if I wanted to get rid of certain hairs or let more time pass to see what else will grow in. We opted for the latter. I couldn't believe the difference! The shaping, the precision. Just look.


Don't let the redness below and above the brow fool you. It wasn't painful. That night I had an event and used my anastasia dip brow like always, and this time it was so much easier! No unruly hairs, an exact shape to follow, I have to say that I was happier with my brows that night than I've been in a long time! They are finally looking the way I'd hoped and was going for!


I'm sold. I'm leaving them in the hands of the experts from now on.

Want to book an appointment? Got Beauty has a convenient sugarhouse location, Michelle is so nice, and the room is beautiful. It was $30 total for my wax & tint. Give them a call!

~DM

Dec 3, 2015

Progress weeks 21-25!

Yesterday marked week 25. It's time for the next set of progress pictures. To see pre-pregnancy through week 20 (and to read about my experience and feelings so far) make sure to start with this post! I'm still feeling good physically, and haven't been slowed down by pregnancy. I'm feeling my Charlie move quite a bit these days. Matt finally got to feel him move, and has now felt him twice! At my last Dr. appointment she told me how active he is as we were listening to the heartbeat. He has been since the first ultrasound in August. He is hyper!

I'm sad to have missed my photo for week 24. We were out of town for Thanksgiving and I forgot. Progress pictures have turned out to be just amazing to me. The changes happen so gradually, and seeing these week to week show me so much more than living in my body day to day, surprisingly. I haven't had to buy any maternity clothes yet, but I'm sure that's coming soon. I haven't worn anything form-fitting yet, because I'm still not sure it looks enough like a bump (rather than a big lunch) to show it off. So people still don't know I'm pregnant if I'm just out and about in a loose top! 

Being used to your body being a certain size through your adult life, it's definitely strange (and at times very hard) to transform. I keep looking back at previous weeks when I thought I was big, and now it makes me laugh at how crazy I was for thinking that! It really took a long time to start showing much of anything. Three weeks until the LAST TRIMESTER. I'm trying to savor every day before I get huge!

It feels more real every day. I can't believe how much love I feel for my baby already. I can't wait to see him with his Dad, too.

It's yet to be determined if social media will ever see our son, so like I said in a previous post, I won't be sharing his ultrasounds. But man, if you could see how beautiful he is already! I can't help but stare at his pictures all the time.






~DM

Nov 30, 2015

Baby Bump!

It's finally starting to look a bit more like a baby bump! This wednesday I'll be 25 weeks. It's still small, so trying to accentuate it with my hands in these pictures helped. I ran into an old friend over the weekend and she had no idea I was even pregnant! I assumed she knew, and when I text her after the fact she was shocked. As soon as it gets a little bigger I plan to start dressing to show it off.

Pregnancy is so strange. I can't believe the stages, and how it becomes more real all the time. I feel myself transforming more and more into this new person. While I may not be able to see him yet, Charlie and I already have a relationship and strong connection like nothing I've ever experienced.

My son.
I can't wait to hold him in my arms. 
I can't believe how much I love him already.

Like my heart shaped sunnies? Head to sugarhouse shop Got Beauty for your own!














~DM

Nov 22, 2015

Hello Honey Bunny

When I was little I was given a stuffed bunny that I named Melissa. She went everywhere with me. There are many childhood photos of her zipped up in my coat right along with me. I did chores and earned money to save up for a second bunny. Soon I had also had Gina. As an only chid, these two were now my sisters. I told friends I actually did have two sisters. I'm sure they wondered why they never met them!

Naturally, I've always loved anything to do with bunnies, and just look how cute this makeup bag from Sugarhouse shop Got Beauty is! A perfect little pouch for my NYX gloss obsession (that's another post). Or whatever your makeup obsession may be. $20, and a great gift idea for a girlie girl in your life. There are other designs and sizes as well. Pop in the shop, or hop online, quick! Like a bunny. 








~DM

Nov 18, 2015

Christmas shopping AND a contest!

Want to win a $100 gift card to Trolley Square? I'll tell you how, keep reading! 

Last night I got to attend one of my favorite blogging events for the second year in a row at Trolley Square. We kicked off the night with dinner at Rodizio Grill. I went to an event at Rodizio over the summer and was nervous I might not find much I could eat, since I only eat chicken and turkey and I'm very picky about either of those. What I didn't expect was how amazing their salad bar was! So much to choose from, and so surprisingly vegetarian friendly that this time I was able to take my vegetarian husband with me, knowing he'd love it.

We loaded up on various salads, breads, cold pastas, and tasty sides like mashed potatoes and warm pasta. There was also soup, fruit, and many other things we didn't even get to this time. We probably should have stopped after the first plate, but it's impossible. The sweet and sour chicken they brought out was tasty, too. If you are a meat eater, you've got so much to choose from! Chicken, red meat, pork, shrimp, meat wrapped in bacon, the list goes on.

Once we were stuffed, it was time to shop! It's not hard to have a shopping spree at Trolley Square, although this year was different since we've got our baby on the way (in one week I'll be six months)! This time we went straight to Pottery Barn Kids, with the fun of shopping being first and foremost for the baby.


Neither of us had ever been in before, and we spent a good half an hour there. From day one, Matt has been so amazing and thoughtful at preparing for and picking things out for our boy. He is going to be one incredible dad. Look at some of his finds!

A sun hat & diaper cover for a summer vacation his family is planning.

A matching hooded towel.

I picked out the coziest blanket. And Matt also found the cutest sippy cup for when he's older with the initial of his first name on it. I haven't revealed his name publicly yet, so I'm not going to post that one.

We also have our eye on a solar system mobile. Unfortunately it was out of stock, and while they ship, we figured we'd wait and go back anyway. Such cool stuff for both boys and girls. Including some awesome unicorn items in the girls section I had to go peek at!

We also got a couple of things for us at Williams Sonoma. Matt got kitchen items and I got yummies to take with us out of town for Thanksgiving. Their treat samples and hot cider are ridiculously good. I can't stop thinking about the cider and might need to go back.



We finished off the night at Spark. I love the sweater and bag I got there last year, so I was excited to go back. I got another sweater that I can wear as the baby bump grows and a new necklace / earrings.


Trolley Square is all decked out for the holiday season, and it makes it super cozy to shop! Just look.







After last night I truly feel the holiday season is here! It was fun to get started, get excited, and also meet so many other fabulous bloggers. It must be baby season because so many were expecting babies as well! It was awesome to get to talk to them about how far along, boy or girl, etc.

We've only got a little over a month until Christmas. What?! I highly suggest checking out the completely different and unique shops at Trolley Square!


AND. If you head over to Trolley, snap and post a photo on your instagam or Facebook with the hashtag #mytrolleysquare you just might win one of the $100 gift cards they're giving away weekly now - Christmas! 


Happy Holidays!


DM