Feb 27, 2012

"Never Not Broken"

I keep thinking about this beautiful article I came across on a friends facebook page a couple of weeks ago.

I'm telling you.

If you start to sharpen your focus, tune in and take note of the synchronicity around you...you'll feel the world is tailored just for you.

It's easier felt than said.

Anyway, I learned about Akhilandeshvari just when I needed to.



"Ishvari” in Sanskrit means “goddess” or “female power,” and the “Akhilanda” means essentially “never not broken.” In other words, The Always Broken Goddess.

But this isn’t the kind of broken that indicates weakness and terror.

It’s the kind of broken that tears apart all the stuff that gets us stuck in toxic routines, repeating the same relationships and habits over and over, rather than diving into the scary process of trying something new and unfathomable.

Akhilanda derives her power from being broken: in flux, pulling herself apart, living in different, constant selves at the same time, from never becoming a whole that has limitations.

The thing about going through sudden or scary or sad transitions (like a breakup) is that one of the things you lose is your future: your expectations of what the story of your life so far was going to become. When you lose that partner or that job or that person, your future dissolves in front of you.

And of course, this is terrifying.

But look, Akhilanda says, now you get to make a choice. In pieces, in a pile on the floor, with no idea how to go forward, your expectations of the future are meaningless. Your stories about the past do not apply. You are in flux, you are changing, you are flowing in a new way, and this is an incredibly powerful opportunity to become new again: to choose how you want to put yourself back together. Confusion can be an incredible teacher—how could you ever learn if you already had it all figured out?

This goddess has another interesting attribute, which is, of course, her ride: a crocodile.

Crocodiles are interesting in two ways: Firstly, Stoneberg explains that the crocodile represents our reptilian brain, which is where we feel fear. Secondly, the predatory power of a crocodile is not located in their huge jaws, but rather that they pluck their prey from the banks of the river, take it into the water, and spin it until it is disoriented. They whirl that prey like a dervish seeking God, they use the power of spin rather than brute force to feed themselves.

By riding on this spinning, predatory, fearsome creature, Akhilanda refuses to reject her fear, nor does she let it control her. She rides on it. She gets on this animal that lives inside the river, inside the flow. She takes her fear down to the river and uses its power to navigate the waves, and spins in the never not broken water. Akhilanda shows us that this is beautiful. Stoneberg writes:

Akhilanda is also sometimes described in our lineage like a spinning, multi-faceted prism. Imagine the Hope Diamond twirling in a bright, clear light. The light pouring through the beveled cuts of the diamond would create a whirling rainbow of color. The diamond is whole and complete and BECAUSE it’s fractured, it creates more diverse beauty. Its form is a spectrum of whirling color.

That means that this feeling of confusion and brokenness that every human has felt at some time or another in our lives is a source of beauty and colour and new reflections and possibilities.

If everything remained the same, if we walked along the same path down to the river every day until there was a groove there (as we do; in Sanskrit this is called Samskara, habits or even “some scars”), this routine would become so limited, so toxic to us that, well, the crocs would catch on, and we’d get plucked from the banks, spun and eaten.

So now is the time, this time of confusion and brokenness and fear and sadness, to get up on that fear, ride it down to the river, dip into the waves, and let yourself break. Become a prism.

All the places where you’ve shattered can now reflect light and colour where there was none. Now is the time to become something new, to choose a new whole.

But remember Akhilanda’s lesson: even that new whole, that new, colourful, amazing groove that we create, is an illusion. It means nothing unless we can keep on breaking apart and putting ourselves together again as many times as we need to. We are already “never not broken.” We were never a consistent, limited whole. In our brokenness, we are unlimited. And that means we are amazing."

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2011/06/why-being-broken-in-a-pile-on-your-bedroom-floor-is-a-good-idea-julie-jc-peters/

Feb 12, 2012

My Poetry Collection

A few years ago, I uploaded all of my poems to a blogspot account. I have tried in vain for quite sometime to log in and I just can't do it. I've had way too many email accounts in my life. :)

So. I've put them all in a new place. Still a blogspot but this time I won't forget my log in and I can add to it as I go!


My poetry collection now lives at: http://poetrybydeenamarie.blogspot.com/


Thanks for reading! :)

Tweet me @DeenaMarie

Feb 11, 2012

What's on your reading list?

Do you read one book at a time?
I've always got a stack of a few on my beside table.

Do you have a kindle?
I might have to give in one of these days, but for now I can't give up the feel of an actual book.
I usually just order from Amazon but if it's something I need asap I'll go to the closest Barnes & Noble.

There's something about a bookstore, isn't there? So peaceful.
You can concentrate. You can take your time. You can even get things done in a bookstore you can't elsewhere.

What are you currently reading?
Do you discover an author and then read everything they've written one after another, or do you bounce around?
Who are some of your favorites?

My current reading list (as in I'm in various states of almost done & just started):



I'm currently obsessed with Sylvia. I have a few favorite authors that, well, have changed my life with their words. But Sylvia. It's on another level. I've never felt so connected to someone else's words so personally. She truly describes things the way I see, think and feel them. It's jarring, it's wonderful and emotional for me to read her.


I met Arden Leigh in school in NYC. She is probably one of the most gorgeous girls I've ever seen in real life. She just wrote her first book and I was so excited to see what it was all about since I'm a huge fan of her blog. Look her up. Read her stuff. Learn from her. What a wise and strong woman!


I saw this author on "The Talk" and found her and the way she described this book absolutely fascinating. I think all women, and actually men too should read this, no matter what stage of a relationship you're in or hope to be in in the future.


I saw the movie first and decided I needed to read the novel. Better late than never.


This one I've had for years and haven't gotten around to reading. I know, I know. But I figure with a book like this, you'll crack it open at just the time you're truly ready for what it has to teach you.



Tweet me:

@DeenaMarie

Feb 9, 2012

Sylvia Plath...

Ever read something that took the words right out of your mouth?

Or more, nearly knocked the wind out of you because you felt like you wrote those very words in another life?


Yeah. Me too.










Feb 8, 2012

END of "My New York Diaries"...what would you like next?

That's a wrap! 8 months and 40 posts later...yesterday I finished "My New York Diaries". I celebrated with a bottle of my favorite champagne. I felt both emotional, relieved and satisfied.

Thank you to those who have been following and have let me know that you've been following.


What project should I take on next? I have early diaries...I could start something from my high school days.


Or I could do a series on my "beauty tips/secrets" :)

Of course I'll also be doing regular updates along the way.


So what would you like to see/read next? Let me know! Comment here, Facebook me, tweet me, etc.


xo


Tweet me @DeenaMarie




Links to all entries in my NYC Diaries project:




Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html
Part 22: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_20.html
Part 23: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-23.html
Part 24: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-24.html
Part 25: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-25.html
Part 26: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-26.html
Part 27: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-27.html
Part 28: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-28.html
Part 29: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-29.html
Part 30: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-30.html
Part 31: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/10/my-new-york-diaries-part-31.html
Part 32: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/01/my-new-york-diaries-part-32.html
Part 33: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/01/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 34: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-34.html
Part 35: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-35.html
Part 36: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-36.html
Part 37: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-37.html
Part 38: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-38.html
Part 39: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-39.html
Part 40: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html

Feb 7, 2012

My New York Diaries - Part 40 FINAL ENTRY

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


FINAL ENTRY


Well here we are. Nearly half a year and forty posts, I've told my story. Some of it feels like yesterday and the rest I can barely remember. It was quite an experience to re-read and often relive the words I wrote so long ago. Trust me when I say I'm aware that these are just the barest of bones in my hopes to someday write an actual book. But at least it's out and it's begun.

Perhaps you're wondering what happened next. I'll tell you, in a nutshell. I rushed straight to Los Angeles and into the arms of the Old Flame. He moved back to Utah soon after. We jumped into a relationship quickly and spent the next couple of years in a very tumultuous on again off again relationships. We lived together for a year of that time and even got engaged. We'd set a wedding date and break up. It was a strange and [not physically] abusive cycle.

One day, I decided it was time for me to move back to New York. It happened quickly. I found a room and off I went. I went into the Atlantic Theater Company Acting School and was thrilled to see I was just in time for the auditions for the annual children's musical put on at the actual Atlantic Theater Company. I was dying to do this since I had studied there. The audition went great and within just a few days of being back I had a gig. I got a job in a high end clothing boutique and spent my time at work and at rehearsal.

I hadn't been there for long when I got in touch with The Guy. I don't know how it happened. I must have let him know I was coming back. One night we made plans to meet up for drinks. I left my current place in the Bronx and headed downtown a little early. I was enjoying being back and didn't mind hanging out and walking around some old haunts until he got off work. I got off the subway and took a seat in Union Square for awhile, soaking it all back in. Suddenly in front of me was Ned, the cute red head boy who was also an ATC alumni. What did I tell you time and time again about New York (and the world) being small? I was happy to see him and told him I was there waiting to meet up with The Guy.

It got later. And later. I waited until I didn't want to wait any more. I decided to go home instead of once again waiting on The Guy. Those days were done, right? I figured he'd probably call when I was in the subway and I think he did. We never met up.

The Old Flame soon came out to live with me in my little room I was renting. My parents saw how toxic we were and so I didn't tell them he was coming. He got a job at a restaurant and there were some fun times together in NYC but mostly...there weren't.

I loved doing the kids show at ATC. I loved the funny roles I got to play, the songs I got to sing, the people I met and the fact I was on that stage. It was fantastic.

My aunt Adrianna came out for a visit again and I didn't tell her the Old Flame was there, either. Then one day there the Old Flame and I are walking down the street near columbus circle and practically bump into Adrianna. Smallest. World. Ever. My secret was out then.

The Old Flame soon was up to his old tricks. Not telling me the truth, drinking too much and becoming mean and belligerent. The only good thing that really came out of this was that he met a friend at work, Will, who was a lot of fun and I liked immediately. It turned out that long after the Old Flame was out of the picture Will and I would remain friends and both times I went to NYC just this last year I got to see him. He is one of my first two calls that go out to those there I want to see.

My living situation was less than ideal. My roommates didn't want the Old Flame there, they were very strict. It was a family that rented out three rooms upstairs. One of the roommates we did really like and get along with, though. The Old Flame cooked the three of us a big Thanksgiving dinner and it was actually kind of fun and cozy.

I was taking a couple of classes at Juilliard. Sitting in class overlooking Lincoln Center was magical. The fact that I was actually there was never lost on me. I was able to have internet access there. My mom had just let me know there were soon going to be auditions for "Jesus Christ Superstar" back home. At the time that was a show that was on my dream list and rarely done. I knew I had to audition. I would hop on the computer and email with the director to let her know I was interested, although in NYC. She gave me a callback and let me skip auditions.

Things seemed to be in a jumble at the time, but actually they were all strangely falling into place. It was apparent our living situation was not going to last. The Old Flame went to an audition for a children's tour and booked it. He'd be leaving, I wanted to do "Superstar" and we were both over living in a tiny room together under the rules of a crazy family.

I did the show, The Old Flame was out of town and when he came back that was that. I agreed to be friends for a little while but when I found out he had not only cheated on me with his tour partner the entire time but had stolen the furniture MY parents loaned us that we had in a storage I was paying on, that was that.

He still tried to reach me a few times and I never responded. This time, it was me who realized at the end that this wasn't love.

Life is so funny. Everything is happening for a reason. Exactly as it should. Believe me when I tell you I know this to be true. Suddenly I was in Utah, again. Making sure everyone knew I was leaving for New York again as soon as the show was done. But then I booked another show. Okay. As soon as the second show was done. But then I'd begun to date the musical director of "Superstar". This was the one time I had said I was done. Done with guys. I was absolutely not going to be looking for anything. No boyfriend, no relationship. This one both snuck up on and surprised me. Big time. It was, and he was, completely different than anything I'd ever experienced. The first time we went for drinks I heard a little voice say, "what if this is the guy you marry?" I pushed it aside and took everything in stride. It started casually. Easily. This guy had it together. This guy was a good guy. I'd never experienced this before. What I learned, is that after you're done with The Guys and The Old Flames, comes The Love. Yup. He turned out to be My Love.

I went on a quick trip to NYC with my mom right after I'd begun seeing My Love. Adrianna and her husband had a hotel and a show booked but suddenly couldn't go. So we went. I decided to do a couple of auditions while I was there. I was sitting in the green room at my old school once again waiting for my audition when who should walk past the door, do a double take and come in? The Guy. I hardly remember what was said but we said we should get a drink while I was here. He called later while I was walking down the street with my mom and I still felt nervous to take the call. I think it was more nervous from the old turmoil more than anything else. He was going to text later when he got off work. I felt a little uneasy about meeting him, but I figured I would. But then...it was getting late. And later. And you know what? I decided I wasn't going to wait all night to run out to meet him. How many times did I need to learn this lesson? And that was it. That was the last time. When I got the text far too late asking where I was, I didn't even respond. I went to bed.

Over the years so much has changed. Three years ago in the summer I was in NYC for a YouTube gathering and I was excited to head to Chelsea and look at school. I'd heard they were moving to a new building just an avenue over, but I guess I didn't realize that meant the building I'd spent my time in, had my adventures in, made all my memories in would be gone. Imagine my surprise as I walked down to find a brick wall where the door had been. What? No! I was instantly choked up. I was brokenhearted. How had all of that happened just on the other side of the wall and now nobody will ever know? So much went on there that shaped me forever and now...it was gone. It was the strangest feeling. I saw the door to the new building but decided not to go in. Why? For what? That wasn't the ATC that I knew.

Last year I went to NYC twice. The next time I went down that street that wall was now a new apartment building. Wow.

In my move home the second time, I'd left behind boxes that for some reason never got mailed to me. In those included scripts from school and a huge binder full of notes and work.

Now it was like nothing was left. It's like it was all wiped away and left me with little tangible reminders.

How would anyone know now? How would I show them what made me...me? That's when I knew I'd just have to tell it.




It's crazy to see where everyone ended up. For the most part my classmates all went on to different jobs or started families and moved back to where they were from, or at least out of NYC.

Life. Life is so unexpected.

Maybe you're wondering what became of The Guy? He is still acting. He is also married! In fact, he married a girl he met right after we broke up! Of course I always pictured that if that had happened for him, it would be someone dark and mysterious like the girls he always said he found so attractive. I expected to see Megan Fox or Dita Von Teese on his arm. But no. Quite the opposite. They live in Louisiana. It took me years to reconcile and recover from the hurt of those words, "I don't love you." But now I smile at the way it all worked out. And I forgive him. And I forgive me.

His brother Sean is newly married and it looks like he's also working steadily as an actor.

I have seen Jenny a couple of times. She's back in California. I stayed with her for a few days a couple of summers ago. While it becomes more obvious all the time that life has pulled us in very different directions and there is little common ground, we'll always have an unbreakable bond and a great love for each other no matter what happens or how much time goes by.

Oscar I haven't seen in years but we've recently connected online and write an occasional hello. He no longer lives in NYC. He is in a relationship and has been working on a documentary about our favorite subject...New York!

Lynne. Lynne is still in NYC and working as a makeup artist. I found her online a few years ago and wrote her immediately telling her I don't even know what happened between us so long ago but I hated how it ended and that I'll always love her. She said she felt the same. We exchanged a few messages, but really haven't kept in touch. I'd still really love to see her sometime.

The teacher who once said to me, "you're so extreme, Deena" was also the teacher that shut the door in mine and Lynne's faces and his is a face I see on just about every other commercial.

Brayden, that guy I looked up to that seemed so cool, so New York that took me under his wing in my first year of school recently found me online. He lives in Alaska and is acting, directing and has a beautiful family. I was thrilled to hear from him.

I could go on forever with all the people I mentioned through the last 39 posts, but it doesn't matter. You get the idea .



As far as what I learned with how to behave in relationships, what I need and what I should and should not do / tolerate...well that's another book! When My Love reads these blogs he is supportive, enjoys them and it's fun to see his eyes get huge when he tells me, "that is so not you! I don't even know who that is! You would never do that!" And it's true. That's the hard and sad and fun and amazing thing about life. We are different people all the time. Every few years. We only become our true selves by what we experience. By the hurt we endure, the adventures we have, the people we meet, the heartbreak we survive. By learning what works for us and what doesn't...and more importantly why.

I don't regret a single moment wasted in NYC. With The Guy. With The Old Flame. It has molded me into the strongest, most confident, happiest me yet. I only wish I could tell young girls (and guys) not to pin all your hopes and dreams onto another person. Do not depend on someone else for your happiness. Don't put your career, your hobbies on the back burner because you're too caught up with a crush. Don't put yourself second and don't live for them. And don't stay in a situation where you're not getting what you want from the other person. Know your deal breakers and don't be afraid to walk away. Everyone deserves to be happy. I never thought, like so many young people do, that something was wrong with me or that I was unloveable. That's what I want to get across, too. Nothing is wrong with anyone. It's all about the combination of two people. Sometimes you're not you at your best because you're not with the right person for you. It's all about what two people can bring out in one another. Like who you are with the other person. And there are so so so many people out there for you to meet. Experience. Don't try to make one be what they simply can't. It really is easy. When it's right, it's easy. When it's right it's not a struggle. Nothing is forced. Nobody tries to love anyone. Nobody has to fight about marriage. When you meet the right person, for you, it all falls into place. And there is no way to make it happen before the universe decides it's your time.

Simple as that.



As simple and as unknown as that. A reminder that life is big and us humans are resilient and we really can do anything.


And there you have it. A little snippet of my life that feels both like the biggest and smallest and best and worst time all in one. A time when a little girl who moved across the country and experienced a new city and people and school and career and love and loss and all sorts of things in between.



Thanks for reading.



Deena Marie










Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html
Part 22: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_20.html
Part 23: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-23.html
Part 24: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-24.html
Part 25: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-25.html
Part 26: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-26.html
Part 27: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-27.html
Part 28: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-28.html
Part 29: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-29.html
Part 30: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-30.html
Part 31: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/10/my-new-york-diaries-part-31.html
Part 32: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/01/my-new-york-diaries-part-32.html
Part 33: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/01/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 34: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-34.html
Part 35: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-35.html
Part 36: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-36.html
Part 37: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-37.html
Part 38: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-38.html
Part 39: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-39.html

Feb 6, 2012

My New York Diaries - Part 39

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Despite the stressful state of my current situation, there was one night when I went out with Jenny sans The Guy and had one of my favorite New York Night. She was now dating a new and much younger guy, Josh who lived in Long Island. He was in a band and was playing at a bar there. Neither of us had ever been to Long Island and she invited me to go and hear them play. We took a train and found this bar and went back into the city afterward with him and a friend of his. I wasn't attracted to him, but his friend liked me. We ended up at a restaurant/bar that I'd always wanted to get into, but unlike so many other places I'd been in the city, this one carded. Finally I was of age and could go. It was everything I hoped. And this guy bought me vodka tonics and dinner. He was really nice and considerate and gentlemanly. It was a very different experience from being out with The Guy. Later, he told Jenny if I ever broke up with my boyfriend that he wanted to date me. It seemed like this little glimpse of a different, nice kind of guy happened at just the right time.



June 30

"Friday night, or rather all through the wee hours of saturday The Guy and I were breaking up. Horribly. Dramatically. Maybe not. But definitely painfully. I don't know what happened! Something went horribly wrong. I t seems like it was a big mistake, and this being said by someone who doesn't believe in accidents. We started out alright. I talked him into going out, I was completely stoked to be going on a "date" with him, which we hadn't done since before we went out of town! We met at Virgin. I got all decked out. So excited. We met and he seemed a little tired. We went somewhere in the east village. Four cosmos. Vodka tonics and scotch for him. I wanted to talk. Just talk. I don't know when or how it turned bad. I remember talking a lot about exes. I was asking lots of questions...

...[he tells me regarding the Ex Girlfriend] that yes, he loved her. Yes he WANTED to marry her. Well of course he must have at the time. But for whatever reason I hear it now and flip my lid. It's The Guy effect. I've never been under anyone's spell like this. So, like I say, I've had "the three magical words on my mind" so I ask, "how many times have you been in love?" Moment of truth. "Two". I ask who. "New Name and Ex Girlfriend". Who?!

...I was really drunk and he was even worse. I don't know what else went on but I started to cry and he was saying we needed to go and I said I didn't want to talk about exes and for him to say something good about us. He wouldn't, so I clung to him, crying all the way home begging him to "tell me something, anything about us". He would say either, "what do you want me to say?" Or nothing at all...

...we're in the doorway next thing I know. I won't go in the house. He's holding onto the doorknob for dear life. He falls completely on his ass at some point and we end up inside. Ty is on the couch "not noticing what's going on" and I feel bad this is happening in front of him...

...[we were now in our bedroom] I don't know what was said but what I remember was him telling me we were not going to be together in September. I was crying and telling him all I wasted was to be with him in September...

...At some point it came out of my mouth, "all or nothing". I didn't realize I'd said it until he repeated it back. Then something was said about how this must be it...

...more, lots more was said. He said I'm miserable with him. There are too many tears. That I'm not ready to live with him...



...here it is - he really WANTED to fall in love with me. He TRIED. BUT. "I don't. I don't love you." I asked, "how do you feel towards me?" He said, "fatherly"...



...why doesn't he want someone who was so willing to stick by him? Didn't he like having someone to go to bed with and wake up with? He said the day on the couch when I was saying a decision had to be made about September that he knew THEN it wasn't going to happen...

...He says we couldn't life together because he's just not ready to get married. ?! I said, "I have never said anything to you about marriage! When did I ever say that word to you?"

...I remember saying I hope he knew what he was losing, what he was letting get up and walk out on him tomorrow. He said, "I do. You have no idea. You'll never know." I think he tried to reach for me, say something as I got up and went into the bathroom. I came back and he was gone. I put on my pajamas and found him in jeans sitting in the kitchen looking very angry. I remember him telling me to, "go to bed. I won't bother you." I don't remember what I was saying. At one point I went over to him and tried to reach out to him. I wanted to hug him. "The Guy..." I said. "What?!" I said, "it doesn't have to end so cold." Then we're in the living room and he looks so mad. He's telling me I'm scaring him. I tell him that's a horrible thing to say. And why? "You just are. Go to bed." He was getting madder and madder and kept telling me how mad he was getting and almost WARNING me to go to ged, or else. This sick part of me wanted to provoke him, to see how mad he'd get. I couldn't accept it and I thought if he'd do something physical, break something, come for me, that would make it real and would all be his fault. He could be in big trouble. But it didn't happen. Thank god. I went to bed. In the kitchen he told me he was no good for me, I needed someone to take care of me...

...I said I didn't believe him when he says he doesn't need people, affection. He said very rudely, "well you better start trying." I told him he's scared to let people get close to him. He kept asking me why I liked him. I don't know what I said. I said for so many reasons and something about how I'm used to people fawning on me and that frustrated me [that he didn't] but I also liked that challenge. I went on to say how I just liked him from the minute I saw him. Before we ever talked. I asked him later, "do you want to know when I first SAW you?" His answer, "No". I asked why and he said, "because I choose not to." Also, at the bar I remember after the exes talk he said something about how SHE "might have to be a pieces ." [as in the one he ends up with] That, I think is what set it off. Him telling me he knew his mate was out there somewhere [and wasn't me]. There was also a weird moment at the bar when he looked out the window and had this big smile on his face. He though he'd recognized "Girl from London". Of course I got suspicious and wondered what that big smile meant. Anyway, back to the story. We're in the kitchen, he said it was all him, "there's nobody else". So now I go to bed. When I wake up I hope he was so drunk he doesn't remember a thing.

[Next morning] I get up. He's still asleep. I fall asleep for awhile. I go get the phone. Call Jenny. My mom. My dad. They [parents] immediately start looking into getting my ticket home. My dad says he wants me out of there as soon as possible. I had told The Guy the night before that this meant I needed to go back to Utah. He said that was the stupidest thing he'd ever heard, to go back because of him. I said all my family and friends were there. He said, "then go to Utah", in a much nicer do-what-you-need-to-do tone.

So now it's morning.

I sit on the couch. We don't' talk. He falls asleep. I send out emails to my Utahns. I go back out. Ty's alarm keeps going off. I want us to talk before Ty gets up. The first thing he says is, "what's going on?" I don't know what to say. I ask if he remembered everything that happened. YES. If it feels unexpected. YES. What would've happened if we'd never moved in together? "We would have continued the old way." And then what? "I don't know." Was it our moving in together that ruined it? "Yes. We weren't ready." I asked, "what made you know it was over?" Long pause. "I don't understand the question." That was a moment of impact. I realized right then how we, how MUCH we do NOT speak the same language. I wanted to reply, "and you never did." I shut my eyes. Two tears trickled down. Some point in the night before I was saying doesn't he think it's worth saving and he said, "you said it was all or nothing. Stick to your guns. It's nothing. I'm nothing because I can't be all." I said I felt like I ruined everything. He said I didn't, WE ruined it. I felt if I sat on that couch any longer I'd just ask why, why, why. He couldn't say anything at that point to give closure or make me feel any better. I would only end up groveling and begging to give me another chance. I had to leave with the little shred of dignity I had left. So I said, "I'll try to get all my stuff out today. Jenny is coming over and I'll stay with her tonight. I have a flight home tomorrow night" and got up and went into the bedroom. He didn't come around or talk to me all day and vice versa...

..he said, "I'm sorry. I wish I could convey how sorry I am." He said it in a snappy tone. Something we've talked about before when it comes to his acting. He has such a hard time being lovey, soft, etc. He asked how I was getting my stuff out. "Josh has a car." He asked, "Jenny's boyfriend?" Yeah. Weird moment. He was telling me to take my time, however long I needed, there was no rush. I said Jenny would be back to get my stuff. When he was about to leave for work I went out there. "You're not going to be here when I get back, are you?" No. We hugged for a long time. "I'm sorry, Deena. I'm so fucking sorry! You're not going to be in Utah for long, are you?" I don't know. "Well you shouldn't. You'll burn. You'll turn into coal." We hugged again. He kissed me on the forehead. "It's not you, it's me. You're right. I can't let anyone get close to me. I'll see you soon." He said to give it some time and keep in touch. He also said how he was "twenty five and I don't' know anything and that scares the shit out of me." That I live my life in black and white and his is grey. He doesn't know what will happen one minute to the next and I plan. He walked out, looking back one last time. Us at opposite ends of the hallway. IT'S OVER. I knew I needed to leave the sooner the better...

...I spent the day alone in the apartment...

...did The Guy once have it in him to be the sweet boyfriend? Why did I just never trust him? Had he fucked around on me?

...was he a cheater? Whey did I make it my mission to piece together clues on all the exes? To find out all I could, I guess...

...spent the next few hours on the couch talking to my mom. Head pounding. Not even able to move. I felt completely deflated. I had no life in me. I couldn't stand. I knew I'd be so unsteady. I couldn't even trust my own two feet to support me...

...I stifled me. I molded me to try to fit into his world. I'm glad I jumped in. I hope I always fucking jump in...

...I dont' have to consume myself with The Guy anymore. The questions 24/7...

...I laughed and talked all night at Jenny's and got through my first night alone without even knowing it..."




It's funny what you still remember all these years later. I can still see my pink pajamas and remember what it felt like to wear them. I can still see us standing at opposite ends of the hall and wondering what kind of last impression I was possibly supposed to leave him with. I think I tried to smile and waved. I was aware of the drama of that moment, the moment before he walked out that door and that was the end.

I remember laying on that couch all day and literally feeling...no, knowing I was going to die. I was sure of it. There was no way I'd ever survive this. I would honestly never get off the couch and I'd be found dead of a broken heart.

Jenny. My sweet Jenny once again rescued me on the breakup night. I packed what I needed to and put the rest aside. I had a shot or two of vodka and soon she was there to help me get my things. As we passed the kitchen for the last time, she saw my headshot on what we jokingly called the "headshot wall". She tore my picture down and I put it right back up, telling her I wanted them to have the reminder. And we were out. I sat in the backseat as Josh drove us to Queens. At Jenny's I vaguely remember drinking screwdrivers and talking to her roommates. They'd all be out of the apartment early in the morning and I'd have it to myself as I got ready and left New York City. This meant a goodbye to my Jenny, too. But we saw it more like a see you soon rather than an end.

I can't really describe how I felt the next morning. But I got up and took plenty of time getting ready. It was important to me to look my best despite how shitty I felt on the inside. I felt both strong and defeated. I played some of my favorite mellow music and went to the airport early. I was in no mood and I remember snapping at a guy who helped me with my bag when I didn't want him to and wouldn't leave my side until I tipped him. I couldn't get home fast enough.

And that's where this chapter of my life closes. I don't remember the flight home, being picked up from the airport, what my parents or friends said that night or in the next few days that followed. I do remember I had a heavy bag that was hitting my thigh as I made my way through the airport and while it hurt, I only had myself to rely on to carry all this luggage so I pulled through. It left a huge bruise. One of the biggest and darkest I've ever had. There are photos of me laying on my moms couch soon after coming back to Utah. The look in my eyes is one of someone who's just been through a lot, and the huge bruise is showing too. I look at those pictures and cringe. I can still [almost] feel the hurt. I just want that poor girl to have a hug and to know that everything turned out just fine...


At the end of school when we wrote our own short plays and my class heard the poem in mine, Kim said it reminded her of a poem she knew and she brought it to me a couple of days later. This poem turned out to mean a lot to me at this time and my next journal entry after the breakup is the poem, and the poem alone.


"After Awhile"

After awhile you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean learning and company doesn't always mean security
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman not the grief of a child
And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight
After awhile to learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers
And you learn they you really can endure
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn
And you learn
With every goodbye you learn






*Next post is the LAST POST!








Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html
Part 22: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_20.html
Part 23: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-23.html
Part 24: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-24.html
Part 25: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-25.html
Part 26: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-26.html
Part 27: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-27.html
Part 28: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-28.html
Part 29: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-29.html
Part 30: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-30.html
Part 31: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/10/my-new-york-diaries-part-31.html
Part 32: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/01/my-new-york-diaries-part-32.html
Part 33: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/01/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 34: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-34.html
Part 35: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-35.html
Part 36: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-36.html
Part 37: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-37.html
Part 38: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-38.html

Feb 5, 2012

My New York Diaries - Part 38

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

WE'RE ALMOST DONE! I'm going to wrap this all up with #40 being a sort of epilogue / where are they now.
Wow. So hang in there, this is it!



June 27

" 'No Man is worth crying over and the one who is won't make you cry.' I wish this one were true. Why do I know that there will always be tears...

...I want to see if it's the teal deal or nothing at all. I am positive I want to stay with him come September. But he doesn't know. He says the newness is wearing off. It's changing. This just all happened on Tuesday. He was calling brokers, questioning about apartments come September. It was freaking me out. I guess I'm a little suspicious ever since [my last roommate situation went horribly wrong] I worry everyone's plotting against me. We started talking. I asked if he thinks it'll be me him and Ty or him and Ty. He said he hadn't thought of it. That he thought we had the next two months to figure it all out. I said I had as well, but now I see we have to make a decision sooner rather than later because we'd need the time to look for a place together or go our separate ways. This started a two hour discussion that ended in my tears. But it wasn't about us fighting. We weren't arguing with each other. We were actually communicating. He was being real. I told him I didn't have to have any more time to think about it. I wanted to just jump in and try. He kept saying he didn't know. He must not have thought it through because he had planned on using the next two months as a "trying it out period". He kept saying he needed more time. How he was against it. He'd always be against it. That he liked it better the way it was before. That it was better when we were just dating. He enjoyed dating me. That I wasn't "seeing the man behind the curtain"...

...he said that the newness was wearing off. That crushed me completely. I asked him what that meant. He said our relationship was changing. That it wasn't a bad thing, it was just changing. I asked him if that meant more comfortable or more boring. He said, "don't say boring. Boring has nothing to do with us." I still don't know what he means. I worry it means losing interest. When faced with this possibility of losing him, I hadn't realized how much I love him and how much I do need to be with him. He said I always "think words are loaded when they're not"...

...he said come September it won't be trying it anymore, it will be doing it. It will be like marriage...

...I just want him to want to try for me for once. I've put in a year. Why can't he put in a year for me? Why can't he see I'm so worth the risk? He said he knows and says to himself how I put up with his shit...

...I am so worreid. So sad. So brokenhearted 24/7. I feel like I only have four weeks left because he's going to say no...

...why do I feel so sure it'll be done? Will we find each other again? He says he feels like an asshole. He makes me feel bad. He holds all the cards. Then why doesn't he do something about it?"



The next blog entry, #39 will be the FINAL DIARY entry followed by #40 as the final post in MY NEW YORK DIARIES!







Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html
Part 22: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_20.html
Part 23: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-23.html
Part 24: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-24.html
Part 25: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-25.html
Part 26: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-26.html
Part 27: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-27.html
Part 28: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-28.html
Part 29: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-29.html
Part 30: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-30.html
Part 31: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/10/my-new-york-diaries-part-31.html
Part 32: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/01/my-new-york-diaries-part-32.html
Part 33: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/01/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 34: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-34.html
Part 35: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-35.html
Part 36: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-36.html
Part 37: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-37.html

Feb 4, 2012

My New York Diaries - Part 37

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

WE'RE ALMOST DONE! I'm going to try to wrap this all up with #40 being a sort of epilogue / where are they now.
Wow. So hang in there, this is it!


June 25

"...yesterday was terribly strange. I went through some panic, panic of feeling smothered. Trapped by this. Wondering if I really, deep down was feeling held back. From living, youth, adventures. Wondering why I'm not living in bliss. Wondering if there are phases where excitement goes but hoping it comes back. If this is settling in, getting comfortable...or not a good match.

...what is missing. Wondering, questioning, if he's the one. Not knowing if I want him to be the one. Thinking that if we got married, would that even be enough for me? Why I always want him to do more. I know I'm not done with him. I really wonder if he meant all the "best girlfriend, future, hope we don't burn out" talk. If I'm really the best, does he love me? That's the big question these days. Does he love me? And do I love him? I must. There are times when it's all I can do to keep from yelling it out...

...another big issue with me lately. I've been a complete psycho. Completely...

...suspicious of everything and everyone...

...I know he was someone else with her [The Ex Girlfriend] than he is with me...

...I just can't believe someone could sucker The Guy into thinking they'd be married and live happily ever after. Time passes quicker than you think...

...although I do feel like an old soul, the rest of me thinks I'm [forever] 19. What I wouldn't give to be 19. 18. 17. I wonder, in relationships, if I expect too much. If the prince on the stallion really does exist. If you really can live happily ever after. I have to believe it. I do believe it. Do you have to try that hard? Girls stay because they think nothing better is out there...

...what if I risk and I lose? What if I never find anything to compare to this? I'll admit there are times when I wonder if The Guy didn't look the way he did, if the sex wasn't what it is, would I still be here? And I don't know that I can reach deep enough to find the answers. I think I'm scared. If it's a whole lot of attraction, maybe that's all you really do need. I don't know. I know that there are times when I look at him and I have to look away, I am still so in awe of his beauty and it makes me flustered...

...I wonder what will happen come August. I'm thinking a decision will have to be made at the beginning of August. I know that if he's the one to say it's not a good idea, then I wonder if I could stay with him [The Guy, Ty and myself were in talks about moving elsewhere for September and would it be three? Or two? And by two would it be me and The Guy on our own?]. "It's been too many nights of being with, to suddenly be without" [a line from a poem by Jewel]. I don't want to backtrack. I wonder if it would really be all or nothing with me. And that makes me wonder if I've thrown myself in it for the long haul. Or sometimes...I feel like it's a contest I'm trying to win. To see if I can keep making the "cuts". These next steps...

...why be with someone if all I'm ever going to do is wonder how and when something will go wrong and end...

...nothing is known. Without trust you've got nothing. He's right when he says I take things too personally...

...I want The Guy to be my best friend. I want him to know me more intimately than Jenny. But what if he can't give it? What if this is just it?"




Did he love me? All or nothing. Both were stuck in my head and heart on repeat. But I was about to find out if it would be all or nothing, and if The Guy, my guy did in fact love me. And it would happen sooner than I ever could have imagined.







Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html
Part 22: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_20.html
Part 23: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-23.html
Part 24: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-24.html
Part 25: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-25.html
Part 26: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-26.html
Part 27: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-27.html
Part 28: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-28.html
Part 29: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-29.html
Part 30: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-30.html
Part 31: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/10/my-new-york-diaries-part-31.html
Part 32: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/01/my-new-york-diaries-part-32.html
Part 33: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/01/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 34: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-34.html
Part 35: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-35.html
Part 36: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-36.html

Feb 3, 2012

My New York Diaries - Part 36

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


WE'RE ALMOST DONE! I'm going to try to wrap this all up in the next four posts, with #40 being a sort of epilogue / where are they now. Wow. So hang in there, this is it!




I don't remember much else of what happened during that trip back to UT, or hanging out with the Old Flame and I didn't write about it. I don't know if I talked to The Guy again or waited until I was home. The next entry is when I'm already back in NYC.


June 17

"I just finished reading "Prelude to a Kiss" and it was so beautiful. So, so beautiful. It was exactly what I needed right now. I am that character. She is so scared. Scared of life. Wanting to see what it's like to skip the hard part. Just to go right to the end. Last night I was in one of my moods with The Guy. One of my moods that I can say time and time again I can't let become a pattern. We were talking about how we don't know how to do this. He feels like he doesn't know if he's supposed to entertain me or leave me on my own, or what, what to do until I "find my place on the couch". I'm always nervous, jumpy, timid lately. I don't know why. It keeps me held back from my confidence. My passion. My motivation. But after last night, after picking arguments and crying and feeling so skeptical and wary of absolutely everything, I realized I can't live my life that way. Doubting everything and not trusting everyone because it's ruining me. Do something every day that scares you. I'm limiting myself...

...I've got a world of opportunities in front of me right now and it's all about the decisions I make and making them positive and sticking to tit and trying it out instead of thinking it's one more thing that will get fucking up and wanting to run away from it and "start over". In a new place with new people. Why is that the answer? Why don't I give a change to what I have in front of me right now? Am I so scared to be hurt? The Guy says he's worked on not needing people from an early age. What good is that doing to keep shutting people out? I keep shutting out people and experiences because I'm so afraid to be hurt I'm not experiencing a thing. I'm trying to keep a safe world around me and thriving on any little happiness I may happen to get and needn't that reassured over and over because it's all I have...

...It will be a very lonely, bare world for me if I keep thinking of what ISN'T happening. Of what MIGHT happen. And exist in NOW. Because I'll wake up and it will be gone and it could have been good."




June 18

"So just when I'm thinking all's well, something happens. Something get's all fucked up. On the very day. It's 1 a.m. all I want is for The Guy to be home and share with him my newfound happiness. Tell him of my day. Tell him things. I finally find his long lost keys and call him at once to tell him. He's been off work, he's just "fucking around behind the bar waiting for Ty and his New Girl to get there for a cocktail." He'll see me soon, "bye". I call back. Was he going to invite me? He tells me again to get the car service number off the board and come down. Well, if you just wanted to hang with Ty and his New Girl...he says he's just waiting until they get there and all he really wants to do is come home. Okay then, I'll stay here. Time is passing...it's now 3 a.m. Call twice. No answer. Then they all walk in. He comes into the bedroom where I'm reading my script, "you called so I decided to come over!" God. For all he knows here I am waiting up for him to know if I need to let him in. Then he says how a bartender quit and it's because of him and now he's gonna help out behind the bar blah blah blah. Then [he says] they [him, Ty and his New Girl] were all in a cab on the way home when Ty's new girl got a call from a friend and they stopped off at another bar for a drink and how this guy comes in and he's like, "Oh! So you're New Girl's boyfriend!" And when he saw he was wrong, he was like, "well you should be, you should go for New Girl" blah blah. Jesus God. It just gets better and better with him...

...then this morning he seemed like he was in a pissy mood and was being a little bitch about changing the message on the answering machine [to include my name along with his and Ty's now]. Then he did it. Got in the shower. And I left without saying goodbye. I'm probably going to go to bed before he gets home. It is so hard. I don't know how to do this. Is it so hard because it's new and we're feeling each other out? But is he so set in his ways and will never understand compromise or consideration? Can I DO this? Am I ready for this? Could I EVER get married? Why don't things feel like they did in the days before we went out of town? The romance. The ease. The tenderness."




Little did I know that in just eleven days my entire world was about to change. And I mean really change. What was about to happen would change me. For life.







Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html
Part 22: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_20.html
Part 23: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-23.html
Part 24: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-24.html
Part 25: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-25.html
Part 26: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-26.html
Part 27: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-27.html
Part 28: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-28.html
Part 29: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-29.html
Part 30: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-30.html
Part 31: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/10/my-new-york-diaries-part-31.html
Part 32: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/01/my-new-york-diaries-part-32.html
Part 33: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/01/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 34: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-34.html
Part 35: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-35.html

Feb 2, 2012

My New York Diaries - Part 35

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


And off I went back home to Utah for a couple of weeks. Before I left my new NYC home, I cleaned up our room and left a little present and note on our bed for The Guy.



May

"Today was the best day! Today was the day when I felt like my vacation was beginning. It was like I'd never left. I didn't want to think about leaving. I wanted to be stuck in this moment. To continue what I'd left behind. As far as friendships go. Relationships. The older I get I see who the core friends are. It's surprising. It's home. It's family...

...I feel so old there now. No that I've gone to New York and surpassed this life in leaps and bounds. I feel so out of place and wonder if everyone sees a maturity or sees me as an adult, or not like them, or how I'm seen...

I wonder where that not a care in the world feeling went. I felt lighter then. It's hard to explain. But it's fun to get caught up in this game of pretend...to hide my secret of how wise I am beyond my years...

...[went roller skating and then to Jack's] we talked of the Old Flame and to the Old Flame. I'm picking him up from the airport. I'm not dreading talking to him about "us", about The Guy as much now. I think it'll go okay. I have to have him in my life. I have to keep him close. I'm looking forward to the rest of this vacation now...

...I can't imagine what The Guy's world is [back home in Louisiana]. He goes back [to NYC] tomorrow. I'm scared out of my mind to see what happens now. I keep dreaming he'll have a change of heart, or panic or...I don't know. I'm having fun playing pretend here. But New York...New York is my heart and The Guy is my heart. My heart is They Guy's and New York has my soul."



May

"The Guy is home today...I'm getting nervous because he hasn't called...

...time lapses scare me. They're never a good thing. At least not for me. I can't wait to see him..."



June 4

"...I pick up the Old Flame from the airport tomorrow..

...who knows what's going on with The Guy. It's been four days. I'm so panicked! What's going on? What?! It could be so many things. He could have cheated and feels guilty. He could have heard some bad advice and swayed his opinions. He could have a had a new perspective on things and realized he isn't ready for a relationship and we moved in way too fast and it's not going to work. He could be in a panic over his "New York life", or the destruction of. He could want to move home, or to Los Angeles in September and is avoiding telling me. He could've run into Lynne and she could have talked smack. The Ex Ex Girlfriend could have come back, slept in our bed, and messed up the gift and note. Ty could have been with Lynne and heard smack and passed it on. I don't know what to do or think...



June 5

"Guess who finally fucking remembered how to dial the phone? Yup. Instead of leaving me happy as hell, it left me in tears. Something about being home and almost getting his ass kicked. Something about a friends ex wife being a looker so guys start and I don't know what anything had to do with anything. I don't know what he was talking about, what importance it was I knew how hot this chick was and how that relates to him almost getting his ass kicked? He sounded happy. Me: Do you miss me? Him: What? Me: Do you miss me? Him: "Of course - insert what seemed like a sixty second pause - not! Me: I don't miss you either! At all! Him: Good! And the fun ensues. The Ex Ex Girlfriend is back. Oh, and where is she sleeping? Yup. You know, I never, in a million years would've guessed that if she came back, which I knew I hadn't heard the end of her, The Guy would let her stay in his goddamn bed! The bed we both sleep in! OUR fucking from? Is he retarded? Does it get any more disrespectful than that?! I'm not being irrational. I'm sticking by this and this is most definitely getting talked about when I get home! Some ex girl in my bedroom, my bed?! Who does she think she is? "Who's stuff is this?" And, "where were you all night, I was so worried about you!" [said Ex Ex Girlfriend to The Guy] What does that mean? Why would she dare ask questions like that unless The Guy has purposely hidden the fact I am his girlfriend? Or does he do it thinking it's just plain none of her business? I told him to make her sleep on the futon. When I asked what goes on in that bed, all he said was, "uh, she sleeps." I called back and asked about [my] rent and he kept ending the conversation. I called again. "One more thing. Is Ex Ex Girlfriend going to be there when I get back?" He said something about her being really stupid to try and she'd find some guy to take care of her. I said, "promise she'll sleep on the futon?" God dammit! I'm so hurt! I'm so mad and so helpless and I hate going back to a big fucking nothing when all of my friends are here. Fuck!"







Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html
Part 22: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_20.html
Part 23: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-23.html
Part 24: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-24.html
Part 25: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-25.html
Part 26: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-26.html
Part 27: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-27.html
Part 28: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-28.html
Part 29: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-29.html
Part 30: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-30.html
Part 31: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/10/my-new-york-diaries-part-31.html
Part 32: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/01/my-new-york-diaries-part-32.html
Part 33: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/01/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 34: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-34.html

Feb 1, 2012

My New York Diaries - Part 34

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Right before the end of school I missed another class. By accident (again), you could say.

I remember witnessing several breakdowns over the course of our school experience. We'd all seen our fellow classmates cry at this point. We're in acting school for god's sake. We were nerves exposed daily. I saw Kim go through a breakup with a long time boyfriend. It was scary to me. It seemed like just the other day she was saying they'd decorated their Christmas tree. It had seemed so romantic and grown up and I wondered if I'd ever know what it was like to decorate a tree with the one I loved. It was even scarier the day Bobby came in announcing his split from his long time boyfriend. What?! How? Why? I'd seen their amazing rent controlled apartment. Who would be moving out? Who would be staying? How would life go on?

I also witnessed girls getting into fights and crying and teachers having to get involved.

I also saw students cry when butting heads in class with teachers.

I guess you could say that one day, things added up for me and I found myself in tears outside of a class. I can't remember what it was that set it off, I'm sure a combination of stress with moving, with The Guy, with Lynne, with school ending. It was all just a lot at once.

I'll never forget this particular teacher rushing past me as to "not see me" and I kind of wished she would stop and make sure I was okay. I probably could have used a little wisdom and guidance from one of them in that moment. But Oscar stayed with me. Even though it meant he'd be locked out. He said it was okay and he talked and comforted me the entire time.

Then before I knew it, school was done. I was graduated. It was over, just like that.

I did it. I fucking did it. I'd moved to New York. I'd gotten into my dream school. I'd played my dream role in our final show. Holy shit.

But now what?

It was time to move in with The Guy. Once again, Jenny was there for me to drive the van we'd rented and help me pack. Oscar came too. We got out of my manhattan apartment in record time. I didn't have much to pack up anyway. I took one last look at my completely empty room, knowing I'd be leaving the convince of this location but excited to get to Brooklyn where The Guy was. Jenny and Oscar were truly incredible friends.

They don't make 'em like that anymore.



May 30

"...I had to be rested to move in the next day. Well, I ended up with two hours of sleep...

...The Guy went to meet his parents for brunch, so I did it all [the moving] and had everything organized when he got home. My side of the closet. He got home and seemed very happy and excited to see my things there. We looked through some of my things, it was fun. It was all so brand new, it was like a sleepover. But one to last a loooooong time! I had to stay up until my plane to Utah that was leaving at six a.m. I don't know how I did it, but I did it. Two hours of sleep in two days...

...we stay up with beer an ice cream in front of the tv. It's finally time to call a car. We almost fall asleep hugging each other standing up. He tells me to call when I get there. I check in. Flight looks good. They start calling the standby list. [I had used a buddy pass from Julie's mom several times in the past, and had never had a problem] Don't get on. Get on the flight at for seven a.m. to Huston. Very pissed but willing to do it. Then...Oh, you'll be waiting in Huston until nearly nine pm. No...wait...that one's booked. You'll never make it. I'll put you on for tomorrow morning. What could I do but call my dad, crying, call The Guy, crying, and come back. I was barely able to pay for the ride home. A wasted fifty dollars. No sleep for nothing. I felt sick. I felt sad. I went inside and couldn't even say a word. The Guy just hugged me, steered me to the bedroom and held me. Kissed my forehead, said, "I'm sorry", and we fell asleep. It was all I asked. It was safe. It was right. He's my savior. We woke up and he asked if I wanted to go into the city to get his nikes. I got ready while he made me my own set of keys. I loved it. Can I tell you how much I loved waking up with him, this time in our room. Taking my shower there now. Riding the subway. Looking over his shoulder ads he reads "Time" magazine. Quiet. Peaceful. Comfortable. Shopping together uptown. Having lunch, pizza together. Kissing goodbye on the street corner as we parted ways. Him calling me to tell me he saw a guy on the subway wearing the shoes he'd wanted. I went home and went to sleep. While I slept he'd called, wanting me to go to his restaurant. I called at like 11:30pm and he said he only had one more table, so I stayed home and started watching a movie with Ty and his new girl. It was getting later and later. I was getting nervous. I called him after two hours had gone by and he said he was having a beer and had had that late table but he'd be there in a half hour. I was having all sorts of visions of him cheating on me. I couldn't believe he wasn't home when he knew he had to pack [he was also taking a trip back home to Louisiana] and wouldn't see me for over three weeks. Here I'd just moved in and he wasn't there. I didn't want to nag, or get upset. I just wanted to be with him. And really be with him on our last day. I'd even thought to just give up and go to bed but I couldn't let it end that way. Finally, another hour or so later I heard his keys. The keys I kept thinking I was hearing every ten minutes. Sean was now there. Ty and his girl still snuggling. Me half asleep on the corner of the couch. He came in looking so happy. All smiles. Threw his hands in the air saying, "one big happy family!" I smiled weakly. But he reached out to scoot me over and hopped over to lay with me. I didn't say anything, just hugged him tightly. When he got up I went into our bedroom. He came in, we lied down and talked...

...he asked if it felt sudden. Yes. Good. You? Very. He said it was the first time he's been gone and thinking how he has someone to come home to. How it was scary. But he liked it. How all through the night things would go through his mind like how my stuff was in his room. "But she smells good". That tv is too small. All her musical theatre stuff. Just deal with it. "But she smells good."

He said, "Heather should be your best friend." Why? "All this is her doing". I still don't know the details. Whatever she said must have really gotten to him. He went on to talk about how it had been over a year and not only was I his girlfriend but I was the best girlfriend he'd ever had! There was a million things I wanted to say to him at that moment. But instead I said, "wanna see my new shoes?" He said, "thank you for breaking the uncomfortable silence" and I said, "Oh no! Thank your for getting drunk and telling me this!"

...I could tell he was looking at me a lot. I wanted to look at him...but I was scared. Too nervous I'd tell him how much I loved him...

...he said something else about our future...something about how scary it is and how exciting and how he hopes he doesn't freak out and I don't lose interest in him and he wonders how this will play out and he hopes we don't burn out. Then that really got me thinking. About what that means. The concept of burning out. How do you not burn out? I think it's always so much simpler than everyone makes it. If you're meant to be, then you're meant to be. All I know is from the minute I saw him I knew he was it. I knew we were destined to be together. Even when I didn't know how or when we'd ever meet, or that he had a girlfriend, it didn't matter. Maybe you could say it was love at first sight."






Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html
Part 22: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_20.html
Part 23: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-23.html
Part 24: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-24.html
Part 25: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-25.html
Part 26: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-26.html
Part 27: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-27.html
Part 28: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-28.html
Part 29: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-29.html
Part 30: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-30.html
Part 31: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/10/my-new-york-diaries-part-31.html
Part 32: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/01/my-new-york-diaries-part-32.html
Part 33: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/01/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html