Mar 27, 2011

Birthday Blog: What would you tell yourself?

It's my birthday! We're now 20 minutes past the exact moment I was born. 7:04 pm :)

Last month I wrote about a blog that really got to me from the advice column of Dear Sugar for The Rumpus called "Tiny Beautiful Things".

Here is the link

Seriously. Read it. I'll wait. Did you read it? Good. Now the rest will make sense. I promised to write my own letter to myself on my birthday this year. What would I tell my younger self from what I've been through this far? I know there are many I'm forgetting and I know this list will grow and change through my life.

But right here, today, now, this birthday, this moment, I would look back and say this:

Never say never.

It’s okay to change your mind. You don’t need to have yourself or your life set in stone from which you cannot sway.

Time heals all wounds, even if it takes ten years.

There are people who will leave scars on your soul. They’ll become a part of who you are and who made you you. Remembering the good and the bad is okay.

Enjoy your young (high school) self. Savor every minute. Relish in how intensely you feel EVERYTHING. It will never quite be the same.

Ignorance is bliss.

You’ll grow up to have everything you ever wanted. At times it will be better than you imagine. At times it will be worse. Be careful what you wish for.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

The lady (who did not know you) and told you it “must be hard for you to exist on this plane” knew. You’ll carry it with you always and think of this regularly.

NYC will be the best move you’ll ever make. The best of times the worst of times. The time of greatest impact. The most special time of your life.

You will not die from heartbreak. You will survive the words “I don’t love you”.

You will know great love.

You’ll let people in your life who don’t necessarily deserve it. Love it. Learn from them.

You’ll grow up to do things you never imagined.

Your hard work will pay off. Hard work is never over.

You’ll be more sensitive and fragile than you ever knew. Cherish your years of blind confidence, of naivety.

That which doesn’t kill you doesn’t (unfortunately) always make you stronger.

Your life will take so many twists and turns. You will be so many people you never knew you would be.

You’re a good person. You’re doing your best, for you, right now. Trust it.

Never feel guilty about trying new things. Try everything.

Friendships are hard.

Karma is actually just called life. Sometimes things take longer than you wish they would. But the tables will turn. Everyone has their moment in the spotlight and their moment in the dumps.

* * * * * * * * * *

This morning my sweetheart surprised me with a NEW LAPTOP! Mine was on it's way out but I really didn't expect one so soon. I didn't expect anything other than our Vegas trip to celebrate! We leave tomorrow. What a sweet one to plan all of this.

So today we took it easy, invited my parents over and ate pizza.

My mom and dad had this cake made, peanut butter buttercream with Ariels! She's my favorite Disney Princess. Three Ariels and crowns all around! I didn't even want to cut or eat this it was so cute!

Then my sweetheart took a big walk and at exactly 7:04 we took these:

There you have it! See you when we're back in town. Now off to pack for a much needed getaway...


Mar 24, 2011


You know what's hard? Friendships. Maintaining friendships, let alone making new ones. I'm not talking about fair weather friends, that's cake. But a real friendship. Woman to woman.

You hear time and time again that relationships are hard, they take work (as in you and the person you're in love with) but I disagree. My sweetheart and I have never been work. That's ease. That's love. That's joy. Maintaing relationships with other women friends, that's work.

I will always believe I'm a good friend. If I love you, I love you until the end. I listen. I listen, listen, listen. I advise if needed, I sit quietly and support if needed. I hear you out, I'm on your side, I want the best for you.

Maybe I too often establish that I'm only the listener / supporter and end up feeling like I'm not being cared for the same way?

Maybe because as you get older and get married, seeing your friends is too few and far between?

What hurts is when you feel like you give but don't get in return. Maybe those on the other end have no idea.

Maybe I should speak up. Maybe I should make an even bigger effort. Maybe I'm exhausted from that. Maybe I'm now too easily letting things go. I don't know.

Obviously, I'm more content to spend time with my sweetheart, first and foremost. But maybe I just want a little more TLC sometimes.

Maybe what's bothering me is that I'm still confused and broken hearted over a friendship that I've pretty much lost. Recently. And I am still not sure why or what happened. In my mind, I didn't want to be the supporter and the lone pursuer of a quality friendship. I wanted to back off to see if she'd come to me, too. She didn't.


Maybe she didn't care like I did? Maybe she didn't see it like this? Should we hash it out? I don't know if I have the energy. I don't know if my emotions can handle it.

Maybe I'll start to feel better just getting this much out.

Mar 23, 2011

I have a secret

I've been keeping a secret since last November.

I have a top secret blog. Right now it remains anonymous.

You will never find it.

Nobody has read it.

Scratch that...a magazine editor has read my first entry.

I want to do something special with it when the time, venue, audience is right.

It's personal.

It will be shared.


Mar 22, 2011


The pic on the left was taken on March 14. The one on the right was taken on March 19.

Why post this? First of all, because it's really funny to me. Funny that this was in the same week.

Second, because I called my YouTube channel "The Deena Show: Woman of 1,000 faces" (at for a reason.

And third, because I love pictures. I love love love them. When I post a pic it's not out of narcissism, I don't care about comments, I don't care about compliments. Never have.

Facebook is a funny thing, because before we had these online lives, I had my photo albums. My precious photo albums. Tons of photos documenting the majority of my life. I love to have pictures of myself. With friends, family, at important events, at not so important events, alone, unaware the picture was being taken, photo shoots, you name it I love them. I love them because it captures a moment in time. I love having my memories documented. I love having various ages, stages, moments in my life captured forever. I love being surprised by looking back on a picture and remembering what was happening that day, that exact, specific time in my life. It brings back an entire day, or better yet, a time of my life.

That's all it is when I'm posting on facebook. I'm just documenting my life. I want to do it all, I want constant change and adventures. I want to look back in five years and marvel at where I was, right this minute...because us humans have a hard time doing it when it's happening.

That's all. :)

The latest from Little Miss Honey Bee is here! Rebecca Black, Bieber, Gaga and Kim K have nothin' on her!

Mar 16, 2011

The religion blog.

Okay. Here we go.

The other day I happened to catch some of "Oprah" (yes, I'm writing about something I saw on Oprah please bear with me) and was fascinated when I they started talking and interviewing catholic girls about to join a convent.

I basically know nothing about the Catholic religion. I basically know nothing about any religion. Religion is basically a big mind fuck for me.

I should say that I hate labels. I think that I do. But I think it's human nature to want to categorize, define, relate and belong. So here is where I say I consider myself agnostic. I can't claim to belong to or to believe any one religion is true. I can't claim to be atheist. Because I just don't know. I believe (not what YOU should believe but what I believe) that there is no way to know. Nothing can be proven. If I can't have proof I can't know.

I have a great respect for those who can believe in a God and a religion with nothing but faith to go on. I wanted to believe everything. I wanted to believe anything and everything was possible. I never wanted to be jaded or have doubt. When I found myself to be of a much more postmodern mind I was a little bummed. But in the could I argue with proven scientific facts?

When I was little I was forced to go to church. To a kind of Christian church. I have never been to a Mormon church. I haven't been to a church now in years. What do I remember? Hating it. What did I learn? Nothing. I was bored. I was uncomfortable. I didn't want to dress up. The kids were mean and I didn't want to be there. I didn't understand any of it. I didn't have a sense of spirituality. I went back and forth between fearing the concept I had of Jesus and saying my prayers in case he was some kind of magical person or thing that could make my dreams come true.

Mostly I just felt guilt. Guilt if I swore. Guilt if I was "bad". Guilt if I didn't say my prayers. It didn't feel right to me. Either I should live in fear or ask for things from someone I felt no relationship with? Say a prayer in order to make a deal? I'll be really good if he'll just please let me have...whatever it was I was asking for. Material or not. This couldn't be what people experience with their God or religion, because this wasn't right.

Belonging to a religion, searching for what is true in that sense was never something that I needed. I feel very whole, very satisfied with my life. Sure there are a few where some practices sound more appealing then others. But it's basically the way you should treat people or view life that I like. Not the believing in a God.

Who's to say what God is the god? We can't all be right, so who's wrong? Right? Or is it all basically the same in the end?

Nobody can tell me. So I'm going to live my life. I don't judge anyone by what their religious view is (just don't push it on me and we'll get along fine) and appreciate it when I'm shown the same respect. I don't believe that if there is a great creator, whatever and whoever that may or may not be, that they are malicious. I believe I do my best, I make mistakes but I know that I am a good person.

I like the idea of reincarnation. I like the idea of karma. I've learned karma takes longer than you'd like sometimes. I've also learned it's not actually karma at all. It's called life. Everyone has their moment to shine and their moment where it all just plain sucks.

But back to Oprah.

Young and extremely religious girls going into a convent. I knew nothing about this. Did you know they give up all material possessions? Did you know they'll never have their own money for the rest of their lives? Did you know they go through a ceremony where they marry Jesus Christ? They are literally brides of christ.

I'm going to try my hardest to word everything with sensitivity and I am by no means judging here.

It showed the parents of some of the girls both on the day they left them to start their new lives at the convent and the day they get married. Some moms and dads were sad. Sad because they saw their daughters growing up to be married, to have children. Not to live this life of celibacy. I'm sure others are extremely proud. You can never question or fault someone who finds their true calling in life. Who knows exactly where they should be and what they should be doing. I'm learning how rare that is. I found mine. I know I'm lucky. But I got teary eyed. Teary that these young girls will never have the messy, hard, dirty, heartbreaking, gritty, wonderful, glorious life experiences that I did. The good, the bad and the ugly. They'll never know. At first I was so sad for them.

Then a nun a little older came on to talk about the moment she decided to join. She was already 31. She'd already gone through a decade of the messy and the wonderful. Oprah asked her when she knew. She had just finished decorating a room in her house, setting up a tv and entertainment system and knew right then that she could loose it all and it would be fine. That's when she knew. She went on to say she had been materialistic before. She wasn't preachy. She was awesome.

Think about it for a minute. The idea that you give up all material possessions to live simply...and more fully, they say. Not gonna lie, there are times that seems fantastic. No facebook, no computer, no drama...the list goes on. Can you even imagine it? I mean really imagine it?

I then thought of a line from the play I just finished, "The Persian Quarter". It was, "to devote yourself to your family is a kind of charity. Charity is a gift to Allah and will be rewarded". Can you imagine devoting your entire life to serve others? To serve your god? To devote your entire life to what you believe with every bit of your heart and soul is right? To make sacrifices to do so?

Wait. Isn't that what we all do for what and who we love? It's not an easy road no matter how you take it. For anyone. I wasn't sad at all for them. Now I was inspired. Isn't it amazing there are people who believe differently than you? Who chose to go a route we can't fathom? Who live so differently than you and I? I've said it before and I've said it again, there is no right or wrong. We are each others teachers.

I think there's so much more to learn from these incredible girls (and from everyone we encounter). I've been mulling it over for a couple days and I can't stop thinking about it. I know there's more I'm supposed to take away from it all.

Maybe it's to tell me it's really start time to finding my way to life above the "nonsense". To learn how not to let the small things bother me. To not hurt my feelings. To not worry about the people who aren't worrying about me. You know, the things we are all constantly struggling to truly do.

For now, I just needed to get this much out.

That's all...