Feb 16, 2009

Realizations of relationships past, present & future...

1.) I've recently connected with a girl friend who was a huge part of my life and couldn't feel happier about it.  She was/is a very special, rare human being who I hated losing contact with and feel overwhelmed at the possibility I could have her back in my life in some way.  I realize now I never should have let a certain boy take any priority over her.  But I was too young and inexperienced to know better at the time.

2.) I think there are different types of love, or of being 'in love'.  Before I got married, I was engaged to someone for a very short time and even bought a wedding dress.  Now I look at the time and realize I was never, not even for one day in love with him in the slightest.  It was just a strange companionship I somehow got caught up in and was the most unhealthy time in my entire life.  I am only thankful any of it happened because I can compare it to what I have and who I am today...and know that I am truly lucky to be where I am and with who I am with.  There is no one better suited for me than my husband. I also know now how strong I am and would never let someone treat me the way I was once treated again.  I can only turn it into something positive now be able to recognize cowardice and abuse...and now real love, honesty and happiness.  I don't believe in regret.  I believe everything happens for a reason, but if I could? I'd go back and kick myself in the ass for being such an ass to waste so much time with that ass!  Karma, baby. 

3.) I thought I'd had my heart broken a zillion times all throughout my life when a boy didn't like me back or when a 'relationship' ended.  Now I realize it only happened once.  A boy in nyc after I'd just moved into his apartment.  The way he did it? By saying "I don't love you".  Never will I forget those words.  Never will I forget how I felt the next day.  I. Truly. Thought. I. Was. Going. To. Die. But I did get up.  I got off the couch.  I got my things.  I moved away.  Again, I suppose my path was to go through the worst before I could have the best.  I just hope that no person ever uses those words to end a relationship to anyone.  Ever.  "I don't love you".  And I am so glad I'll never ever worry about hearing those words again...ever in my life. 

4.) I don't understand people who can't take blame.  I have had close friends and known people who (whether they know it or not) can't hold a friendship or relationship and each time they suffer a falling out it's never them but how the other person did them wrong.  How can you not see that you're the common denominator? I'm a good friend.  A loyal friend.  A patient friend.  But I won't be walked on and taken for granted.  These people clearly need to work out issues before they can be selfless or giving people.  One day they'll wake up with a whole lotta nothin'.  And by then it just may be too little to late.  You gotta give and take and show empathy and respect to other people.  Don't come crawling back to me when you've exhausted everyone else. 

5.) Marriage completely changes you.  For the best.  For us, it completely enhanced everything that was already amazing in our relationship.  It's got nothing to do with a piece of paper but the vows.  And the words husband and wife have an inexplicable effect on you until you know what it's like.  And I'm learning everyday it only gets better as it goes.  It's true that you fall more in love each day.  Everything deepens and the sense of calm, safety, security and love I have now in my life is the most fulfilling thing in my world.

Feb 15, 2009

Moulin Masquerade

Last night the burlesque troupe I dance with, Voodoo Darlings Burlesque, put on the Moulin Masquerade show for Valentines Day.  It was a private function in a nice theatre with a cocktail hour prior to the show.  Tons of people came and many were in costumes and masquerade attire.  I opened the show, with a routine to C'est Si Bon (Ann Margaret version) and it was a blast! Here are a couple pics.  We had a real photographer there so I'll post those when I get them! Hope everyone had a most fabulous V day! xo


Feb 12, 2009

Don't F@#K up Valentines Day!

A happy valentines day video from me to you.  Three of my favorite youtube friends and I collabed this year, so get over to my channel youtube.com/BeanerLaRue and watch "How not to F@#K up on Valentines day".  At the end of the video, you'll be able to click on the other three girls pictures to view their video.  Clever no? Something else I'd just like to point out, is another person I'm often told I look like is Katy Perry.  I've never really thought so until I watched this particular video.  Ok, maybe now I see what you mean.  A little.  Makes me giggle.  The above pics are from the vid. Anyway, working hard on the big show saturday night.   You haven't lived until you've seen some burlesque.  That's all for now!


Deena Marie

Feb 10, 2009

It's real hard sometimes

Ever moved around? 

Spent a chunk of time, years, maybe in places other than where you grew up? 

I lived in NYC for a good length of time and sometimes I'll dream about it...and when I wake up my heart hurts.  It's like a breakup that still haunts me.  

While there are a zillion reasons I am glad I don't live there right now (like how I hate a crowded subway, how you can't be sure the subway won't stop for an hour underground and make you late, how you have to walk everywhere in the dead of winter through snow up to your shins, or in the middle of summer and after five minutes your hair is frizzy and makeup running down your face, how you really can't have a car so there's no such as thing as a leisurely drive to the grocery store...etc.) I sure do miss it at times.  

There's a part of me that feels like I was a completely different person when I lived there.  I can't quite remember what it felt like...I can't quite believe that was me.  Maybe that's part of what haunts me.  Every day that time in my life slips further away and I'm afraid to lose those memories and what it all felt like.  It truly was "the best of times and the worst of times"! I've never grown so much as I did during that time.  I was a baby then but I was fearless and adventurous and thought I knew everything there was to know in the world.  

I had my heart broken beyond belief...a boy who left me and in me leaving the city itself.  

It's SO funny where life takes you! I have not had many times in my life where I feel settled, where I feel home.  Where I am in my life at this very moment is only the second time I've ever felt it, the first being the childhood house I grew up in.  A lot of it has to do with being married and living in my own house now.  I am in love with my life.  I'm very lucky and I am amazed at how fortunate I am every day.  

Yet a restless part of me exists that will never go away.  It's me.  
It's a good thing.  

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say here...or sure I know how.  I guess I feel like my precious time in nyc is like I once lived another persons life and have a zillion experiences in me tucked away in a hidden place...like I have a secret and nobody knows.  I guess I just wanted to say exactly that.  

That my heart still breaks over nyc in the greatest and hardest way...and I never want that feeling to fade.   Even when it hurts I'm aware that it's there, and that was me, and that was my life, and I couldn't be prouder of all that I achieved and went through in that strange city. ..

xoxo Deena Marie

Feb 7, 2009


Wowie, everyone! Your support in this Netflix contest has been above and beyond what I had ever anticipated! I have promoted on all of my sites, mainy facebook and a couple of times on blogtv.com  and while you've all probably gotten sick of hearing about it you've been so willing to help view and share and leave a comment and rating.  It's all helping! I am so touched by my viewers and friends! I check Netflix youtube page each day and was so surprised to see you leaving comments of support as well! I can't even tell you what it means to me!

THANK YOU to FREDDY! My fabulous co-star in "My Girl" who I adore working with and who has gotten a zillion people involved, even people who didn't even have a youtube account! He's been able to get so many of his friends signed up and supporting us, so thank you to all of them, too! You rock! 

As of today on youtube.com/Netflixgreatestkiss we're #2 Most Viewed and #1 Most Discussed.  We're at about 9,000 views and we'd like to continue on this path! If you HAVEN'T yet taken a peek, please do so! Head over to my channel youtube.com/BeanerLaRue and leave a comment and a rating on the video playing on my autoplay! Again, for everyone who's done this?! We cannot thank you enough! 

I hope Freddy is now officially sucked into the youtube world... I think he is! Mwa ha ha ha! His channel where he'll soon be uploading his own videos is youtube.com/monoatplay and you can follow him at twitter.com/FredShermanLee 

Only two days are left in the contest, so bear with me, and we'll get back to the norm and new videos at The Deena Show! Weeee! Have a great weekend everyone! :) 

xoxo Deena