Aug 20, 2015

The heaviness.

There's a quote of mine years back on this blog, "Time heals all wounds, even if it takes ten years."

There is a heaviness I carry with me. It has become a part of me. Sometimes it feels like too big a part, and I wonder when it will lift. I'm dying for it to lift. I'm a broken record. I'm talking again about 2012. I'm still haunted. I'm still sad. I'm still mad. I hate 2012. I feel like if that year hadn't happened I would feel so incredibly whole. Healed. Probably completely happy. Or the closest to a regular state of happy I could imagine. The things that happened through that year altered everything. I feel ripped up. Sewn together, but carelessly. The seams still split. I didn't come out the same. Things didn't come out completely right. It flares up from time to time. Sometimes it feels like all the time. I hate the things I had to endure. I hate the things I had to survive. Hate, hate, hate, and I want to scream it out! I am not over it. I am not ready to be, I suppose. So here it stays. It hovers. It remains.

These days I feel like my heart takes up my entire chest. My entire being. It is so full of the heavy, and the happy, and love. Love flows through me like I never knew it could. It feels free, it feels good, it used to scare me but not so much anymore. Now I just let it be. I let myself love. I love through the heavy. Parallels, juxtaposition, opposites.

Exhausted from feeling and loving and the heavy and waiting on time.