Nov 29, 2011

My New York Diaries - Update

Oh my! It's been almost exactly two months since my last post! The show I am in ends on December 11th and then I'm heading out of town. To New York, in fact! I then plan to take the rest of the month easy and enjoy the holidays before January comes and I have to crack down on memorizing my next script. I do, however, plan to take the time to finish my New York Diaries. Yup. Finish.

This is a project VERY close to my heart that I started at the beginning of June and is described at the top of each entry like this.

"I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!"

As it gets time to get back into this and wrap it up I want to make sure anyone out there who is reading is caught up. Or anyone who wasn't aware and wants to read, is now made aware.

After I wrap up my story, the final entry will be a "where are they now". I'm also debating about adding photos and the best way to do that, since names are changed. Blurred faces? Just as they are? Or none at all to keep it all a mystery?

Then? Slowly, over time, I attempt putting this together in book form. Any tips on doing that are welcome. Here are the links in order to where we are so far. My blog isn't letting them show up if I make them clickable so sorry for the copy & paste. Anyone out there know why or how to fix that, please let me know!

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Part 1:
Part 2:
Part 3:
Part 4:
Part 5:
Part 6:
Part 7:
Part 8:
Time to Press Pause:
Part 9:
Part 10:
Part 11:
Part 12:
Part 13 (with an extra shot)
Part 14:
Part 15:
Part 16:
Part 17:
Part 18 (September 11th)
Part 19:
Part 20:
Part 21:
Part 22:
Part 23:
Part 24:
Part 25:
Part 26:
Part 27:
Part 28:
Part 29:
Part 30:
Part 31:

Nov 28, 2011

Hey! I have eyes, too!

I'm sooooo sick of reading stuff like this:

"Men and women are built differently. Men are visually stimulated and women are more emotionally driven, so the temptations for a man to be attracted to a person of the opposite sex, based simply on looks, are far greater than for a woman. On the other hand, women are more enticed by touch, by closeness and by emotional understanding."

I don't agree. This does NOT apply to every woman (men, I can't speak on your behalf). I don't feel like this is the norm that I've necessarily experienced or even observed.

Sure, I may be a taken woman but I have eyes.

Trust me when I tell you that women are JUST as visual as men. I can certainly appreciate the following and if in a fantasy land I certainly DON'T need them to reach an emotional understanding with me.

Better yet, they don't even need to TALK. :)

Tweet me: @DeenaMarie

Nov 24, 2011

I flew!

Last night I had my first flying dream! At least as I think it was my first. If I've had one before, I can't remember it. Just a week or two ago I was talking about dreams in the dressing room at the theatre with the other two girls in the cast. When they mentioned flying dreams I said I'd never had one, and wished that I would.

I'm into dreams. I'm into the meaning of dreams.

I have the same dreams. As in I'll get into a cycle with a recurring theme and then after I've dreamt that a few times it will be something else. I first noticed it with the apocalyptic dreams, then it was water. I always dream about my dog. And sometimes a terrible dream about my dog in water. Sometimes I know exactly where they stem from, and sometimes I have no idea but it makes such an impact on me that I know it must mean / represent something.

Like my dog sinking in water. Usually in a bathtub, not being able to swim, just sinking. What is that?!

When I dream out of the "cycle", when something breaks the norm it's usually very vivid and I think about it for days and again, I am curious as to what it means and why I thought it up.

Before this play opened, I dreamt of my childhood home. It was my old porch, my old backyard and round tables were set up for all of my family to sit at and eat. It was a reunion or a party of some kind. It was a sunny day. I think I was in a long dress. I don't remember who exactly was there, other than I knew it was family. I was also there as a baby, around 1 year old. I was in a fuzzy yellow onesie that I've seen myself in, in pictures in my moms photo album. It wasn't supposed to be another baby, it was me. But nobody seemed weirded out by that. I got to meet me, and spent most of the party carrying me around. I could feel the baby me so realistically. I was heavy. I could feel the texture of the onesie. I loved and cared for this little baby me.

I am pretty sure of why I dreamt this one. It was a combination of things in my life and lines in the play. Family was weighing heavy on my mind, what with what's going on in my real life and doing a play all about a family. But I do wonder if there is deeper meaning because it was me. My inner child? Something that needs extra care right now? I'm not sure.

The next big dream after that was running from a tiger who was eating everyone in it's path. It wasn't bloody, it wasn't gory. I just knew it was happening. I kept climbing up high but the tiger could climb too. One of the actresses in the show brought me her dream dictionary and there were a few things it could have meant. One being ego! I just don't know.

Then last night I finally got to fly. It was outside, it was day time and I think I was near a beach. My Sweetheart was a part of this one. He stood behind me and I told him to hold on. I went to spread my arms like wings, and stuck out my right arm. He hugged around my shoulders, my left arm was still pinned to my side. I told him to hold me lower, so I could "use my wings", or something along those lines, even though I didn't actually have wings.

Then we flew.

I think there were moments he was in control, too, but then I took over completely and told him I could do tricks. It was fun and I could go high, dip down low, twist, etc. I began to realize while we were flying what I was doing, and I couldn't believe I was just finding out I had this ability. In my dream I had a plane ticket somewhere, across a sea, and I said if I could do this (and I could fly fairly fast) then I would be able to cancel my plane ticket because I was pretty sure I could make it the distance across the sea...

Right now I think this dream represents one big freeing sigh of relief. I feel that I'm learning so much lately and after some ebbs and flows with what I feel I should be doing, where I should be in my life, my creativity, my relationships, my family, I'm getting into a spot where I feel such gratitude my eyes tear up when I think about what I DO have. I feel things shifting and settling and happening all around me and I feel good. I feel things have cleared the way to show me what is right. There are no coincidences. Things change so quickly in a life. I feel things are moving to show me what is important. I feel my focus has done a 180 and it's suddenly become about what IS, not what ISN'T. Another ever so tiny step toward a higher consciousness, you might say.

Oh soul, you worry too much. You have seen your own strength. You have seen your own beauty.You have seen your golden wings. Of anything less, why do you worry? You are in truth the soul, of the soul, of the soul.
- Rumi

Nov 20, 2011

20 Things I currently LOVE.

Things I currently love.

1.) Turkey Lasagna.
My dad bought one for us from Costco a few months ago and I was scared of the turkey-instead-of-beef part. I haven't had beef, pork or sea food in over a decade and even chicken and turkey can make me a little nervous. I am not food adventurous. I like what I like. I eat like a five year old. I could live on pizza and bean burritos. Oh and pickles. And candy. But when I tried it? New favorite! Now we eat them as much as humanely possible.

2.) Eggnog Lattes.
'Tis the season! Is it just me, or did starbucks get them early this year? Every year my friend and I have a contest to see who can drink more. Last year I doubled her number with my 30 nogs. So far this year I am at 9 she is at 6. Who will win? The anticipation.

3.) The stage.
We have extended the run of "A Man Enters" at SLAC which is rare and exciting and I couldn't be having a better time. Acting is a constant state of learning and growing no matter where you are in your career or what you've done. The stage is my safe, sacred space.

4.) My family.
The timing of family members getting sick couldn't be worse. It sure starts making you face and think of things you didn't think you'd have to anytime soon. It also puts things into perspective and surprises the hell out of you.

5.) Reading.
When winter comes and it gets cold out I hibernate. I just want to stay inside in my jammies, cuddle my pup and read. I love ordering my books from Amazon. I get excited when they get here. I just can't switch to a kindle yet, I just can't.

6.) Working out.
I can't believe how regularly I've been working out for over a year now. It really has changed my life and I can't believe what it does for me mentally. Especially in winter. What a mood booster. All ya'll should do it for your mental health alone.

7.) New Adventures.
There are both career adventures and family adventures I'm excited for in the near future and ready to make happen.

8.) Not expecting.
Don't set yourself up to fail or set yourself up to be let down. It's not fair to you and the other person or situation. Just accept, allow and surrender. It's all unfolding as it should.

9.) Reeve Carney.
What can I say? I'm still in awe of his beauty and talent. Now he's dating Ashley Greene so she is now (sorry Ashley) on my people to punch in the face list ;)

10.) Wax Tailor.
Try the Wax Tailor station on pandora. It hasn't let me down yet.

11.) Being me.
Just being myself regardless of what anyone will think, or do, or expect of me.

12.) Gin.
And I thought vodka was my favorite?

13.) Beavis and Butt-head
Oh lord, I am SO happy they're back. Butt-head has always been my favorite.

14.) Photo shoots & runway.
Always have, always will. I'm very aware that time is fleeting and one day I won't be asked to do such fun things.

15.) Gratitude.
I'm learning more than ever before that being grateful for what you do have is the name of the game.

16.) Making time.
Making time to do what you want, what nourishes your soul. Shirley MacLaine says we decide how time passes. It's so true. Allocate your time. Use it wisely. What a difference it makes when you're a little more aware rather than letting time control you.

17.) Quotes.
This isn't a new love, but it is such a gift when you find one or more that fit you at an exact moment and give you comfort every time you think of them.

18.) The Crucible.
I'm beginning to think that "The Crucible" might end up being "the one that got away". I've had several brushes with this show. My senior year of high school we put this on and I'll never forget my drama teacher taking me out into the hall and in a very upset tone, telling me that I, "really messed up The Crucible...big time!" When I chose to take the lead in "Cinderella" in a theater outside of school, he gave me a small role instead of a lead. I was okay with my decision, and looking back on it I wouldn't have changed it for the world. But it was a show that went on my dream list. I was recently up for it out of town and now it's coming up for the first time at a local theater. I'm already booked during this time and it's a theatre that rarely gives AEA contracts, unfortunately. But I can't wait to see it. I saw it on Broadway and I love the movie. It will always be a special one.

19.) Complimenting.
It doesn't take anything away from you to give a compliment, and it's not about keeping score. If you like what somebody did on stage, tell them so. You never know how it can make their day, and yours as well. We don't support and encourage each other enough. Cattiness and/or keeping yourself contained can be bad for both ends.

20.) The New Girl.
Zooey has the best hair. And this is definitely the best new series.

tweet me: @DeenaMarie

Thanks for reading! :)

Nov 4, 2011

Loving your loved ones.

Ever feel like you're stuck in a loop, learning the same lesson again and again? This week I realized that I am. I have had such a roller coaster with friendships the last year or two. Ending friendships, rekindling friendships, meeting and growing closer with new people, etc. But one thing I keep going through is constant disappointment in the friendship department.

I keep getting my feelings hurt.
I keep feeling as though I care more than others.
I feel like I give more than I get

I'm constantly inviting friends to things or sending info to something that might interest them. I try my damnedest to make it to their events. I am by no means a perfect friend and I've canceled on people before but I also know how bad that sucks and I remember what it feels like before I do it. I try my hardest not to bail. But I get the last second text that friends are bailing all the time.

I let a lot slide. Probably too much. I don't think I would have cared or noticed when I was younger. It's funny, you'd think as you got older your friendships would take a backseat to career, marriage, family, etc. But I find that the older I get the more important others become. As I grow up I care about others more, I'm not so hyper focused on myself, therefore I can get my feelings hurt easier.

I know we are all the center of our own universes and we're all busy, but sheesh.

I know long gone are the days of hanging out with friends every weekend, that's not what I'm after. But if we're only seeing each other once every six months or so? How is that a friendship? I just want a little effort returned.

This is why I love/hate the internet and texting. Sure, you can keep each other updated on Facebook and stay in touch with long distance friends or relatives, or even meet new people. But when it comes to your "real" relationships, I don't want to communicate with you in ONLY this way. And when I think you're going to come somewhere, I get excited to see you and can't wait to tell you what's going on or even -gasp- ask your opinions about things going on with me. But then I never get the chance.

In many of my friendships I've set myself up to be the listener. Which normally I don't mind, until I realize I'm never asked how I'm doing, or how I'm not thought of.

I am a firm believer that when something repeats, it's time to take a look at the common denominator. In this case, it's me. I'm more than willing to take a long hard look at myself and if I'm doing something wrong I will admit it and work on it. I'm still pondering this...but so far I don't feel as though I'm a bad friend to anyone. In fact, I think the problem is that I'm too concerned with it. I'm giving to much of myself, expecting too much from people in return. I hate to say fact this has been making me really sad the last few days...but I think I need to both invest and expect less. I need to turn my attention elsewhere and conserve my efforts. I need a little self preservation now. I keep putting out my energy, my feelings, and I keep getting wounded.

Maybe if I stop inviting, stop trying so hard I won't be able to be bummed out when I get turned down. I'm not trying to be passive aggressive, I'm being serious. I also don't want to feel or build up any kind of anger. I need a little time...I am able to shrug it off and move on. I want to accept what is and not be upset by the way people behave just because it's not the way I wish they'd behave.

It just seems like it's easy for people to let things slip away. I don't know the meaning of giving up. And if I love you? I fucking love you like crazy and am loyal to a fault.

What I'm guilty of repeating is fighting against, well, most everything. Accept & allow is a slow process, but I'm learning. If "what you seek is seeking you" (see previous post) then I know what I need now is to trust and accept that the life, relationships and connections I desire is just right around the corner.

This has also been happening at a time when things in my family have shifted. I'm not going to go into too many details right now, but a sick family member makes you think about a whole bunch of things you haven't though of before. Like how you never know when you're going to lose someone, or who it's going to be. It doesn't necessarily start with the oldest relatives.

With all of this going on, it sure points out who is there and who does support you and once again my mind is absolutely blown at the incredible person that is my sweetheart. I get choked up just thinking about him. How can one person you can meet by chance, and who is not a family member by blood, care and love you so much? The kind of a commitment between a husband and a wife is like no other. Unreal.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, I truly don't know what I'd do without him. I am very, very, very lucky. I know what we have is special and rare.

I know it's time to grow up, focus elsewhere and change my life.

There is no perfect time to change it, but there are times that are better than others.
All signs point to now.

There are other fish in the sea.
There's more than one way to skin a cat ;)

That's it.

Thanks for reading. The next post won't be so debbie downer, I promise!

Tweet me: @DeenaMarie