May 30, 2014

It's none of your business, but I'm writing this anyway.

Against what might be my better judgement, I've decided to (finally) write this post.

I was in a relationship for years.  A lot of people in town know us.  They knew us together.  I don't know what they thought of the split.  Surprise? Probably.  Because publicly, we only shared the good.  Who doesn't? Who wouldn't? What I didn't share then, what he didn't share then, what I don't share now, what he doesn't share now, is because it's nobody's business.

I guess some people do share the good, bad, and the details every step of the way, but I don't.  He doesn't.  I think I can safely say that neither of us every will.

I should tell you right away that the last two years of my life have been huge.  Forever life changing.  I've been through a lot and I am simply not the same.  2012 was the worst year of my life.  At times, I thought I wanted to die.  I thought I just might.  I even thought of ways, locations, and certain dates that might work for my departure.  I felt done.  I have never fully disclosed everything that had gone on for me.  I don't think I ever will.  But I've never felt so down.  I'ver never been so close to that kind of despair.

In a nutshell, I decided instead to save myself.

I am doing my best to live my truth.  There also happens to be a lot of that truth I AM sharing with all of you.  I'm happy, you guys.  I'm truly the happiest I've ever been, and I want to tell the world.

In fact, I struggled for quite awhile (and still do from time to time if I'm honest) to accept I can and deserve to be this happy.

This breakup was devastating for both of us.  I'm still dealing with it.  You don't wake up one day, deciding to split.  It was not taken lightly.  I cannot stress that enough, nor can I describe for you my sadness over it.  IT WAS NOT TAKEN LIGHTLY.  It was one of the worst things I've ever been through.  I imagine little else could ever be worse.  It was a long time coming.  I don't want to tell you how long, and I don't want to delve into the details of my thoughts, emotions, or sadness over it.  That's for me, for him, and for our families.

You may think you know why we broke up.  You may have your own opinions, your own perceptions, even your own judgements.  I can tell you right now that you're probably wrong.  Or mostly wrong.  Because I will tell you only this much.  There are things that we lived through together that YOU WILL NEVER KNOW.  You could never even guess.

I have felt torn for quite sometime about ever knowing if I should put any of these words into the universe.  I felt that I would be "explaining" myself, when I know I shouldn't feel I need to explain anything.  But certain things are still haunting me, still making me confused.

Contrary to what you may think, I know who many of my Facebook friends and followers are.  Contrary to how busy or removed from it I may seem, you don't know my heart, head, and soul.  I'm just trying my best to move on, and not to dwell and talk publicly about the sadness I had.  And yes, at times, have.

I have been trying to shake off the sadness of people who did unfriend me when this happened.  It sounds so silly, but after the last two years, I've come out on the other end with anxiety issues and PTSD.  I am far more fragile.  Every little thing that happens hurts, and at times I feel it's just too much.  It overwhelms.  I counted a total of five people who left me suddenly without a word.  They weren't friends I saw every day, but they left enough of an impact on my life to cause me to notice and to feel saddened by this.

They impacted me at various times because of their kindnesses.  I can forgive, but I never forget.  I will never forget the powerful words from one (they till bubble up in me from time to time) when my Uncle passed away.  I will never forget, because not everyone reached out with their words and support that way.  Invitations.  Opportunities.  Gifts.  Friendships.  Fun times together.  Laughs.  Invites into their homes, and vice versa.  Maybe these things weren't as big of a deal to them, but I was touched, moved, and remember.  I don't let many people in.  But to me, these were people who I very much liked.  I truly considered friends.

Maybe this is a lesson in how we impact others more than we ever realize.  How others might think of us more than we ever know.

They are all adults.  Four of the five are all in non-traditional relationships.  For some reason, the combination of all of these things made me even more surprised to see how quickly they dropped me from their lives than someone young, or someone in a traditional relationship.  The older I get, the more I go through, and the bigger my compassion becomes.  I become more open, bigger, in my mind, my heart, my judgements.  I'm constantly learning that life can take you by complete surprise and turn your world upside down.  Again, and again, and again.

The things we plan for, and don't plan for, don't always line up with what's in store for us.  There have been so many times I've said "I'd never".  And it's happened.  It's been the only thing that could have happened.

I know people have their ideas.  They might see the two of us are no longer Facebook friends, and assume we hate each other.  Well, we don't.  Facebook is so tricky.  We only get the smallest percentage of the story.  You might think we've had no contact.  We no longer speak.  I'll tell you right now that we saw each other just last week and have had a few conversations lately.  Guess what else? They were nice.

I'm telling you.  You.  Don't.  Know.  BELIEVE ME.
You don't know the timeline of events.  You don't know the events leading up to the breakup.  You don't know the eight year history.

"To have an opinion about something, you must first experience that thing."

I'm just surprised, and having a hard time experiencing that people shut out, shun, pick a side when that was never the point.  Never the goal. I didn't tell anyone to take a side.  Neither did he.  And even if one of us did? Why would you listen? I don't have one mean or bad thing to say about him.  Be his friend.  And you can be mine, too.  My personal relationship will still continue to not affect YOUR life.  Just like yours doesn't affect mine! I will love you regardless! All of you who've ever shown ME kindness.  Because things happen, people split, life goes on, and so it goes.  Unless what you do hurts me, that's your own business to sort out as you will.  Maybe some people only liked me because I was in that partnership.  I don't know.  If so, then I didn't realize that, I didn't feel that, so egg on my face.

I do understand that we're only human and it's in our nature to react.  But it's so pointless.  It's like, even to this day I hear a celebrity couple splits, or a well known couple in our community and I gasp in shock and say, "no!" just the same.  Then I catch and remind myself that I know nothing about it, and just because I was used to it or comfortable with it doesn't mean I know one thing that went on under that roof.  So why do I care so much?

People break up.  It SUCKS.  It HURTS.  If it could have worked, I'd be there.  If it was supposed to be, it would be.  Nothing can be forced.  That's the bottom line.  Sometimes things break, and there is no fixing.  In the end, we'll both be better off.  Give it time.  Let this heal.  Let him heal, and move forward.  Let me heal, and move forward.  Don't add to the hurt.  Just be there.

If anything, be happy.  Be happy we're freed of a situation that no longer served us.  And that we've got the freedom now to find what will.

We only ever know a sliver of the story.  Or our brain jumps to fill in the gaps, based on our projections and image.  Our experiences.  We want love to succeed! We love the idea of certain couples together! I get it.  We assign a role.  Someone must be to blame.  Someone will be the villain, someone will be the victim.  We want to put all our sympathy only in one person.  We'll forever feel for Jennifer Aniston because of what "Brad did to her".  Because she will "forever be hurt, forever lonely", when we know nothing about her! Why do we so quickly forget there is no such thing as 100% blame? That things are gray, muddy, and it takes two to be in a partnership? That sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you simply aren't the right mix of two?

There is no way to know what the world is from someone else's point of view.  I can't imagine what goes on behind closed doors of any given couple when it's just the two of them.  Anyone reading this knows just what I mean, because you'll think of those times when you've been so raw, with just that one other person, and how you couldn't imagine sharing that with anyone else.  "If they only knew!", you'll think.  And this will make you want to laugh, or cry, or both.

Life is so short.  I do the best I know how, until I know how to do better.  I never set out to deliberately hurt anyone.  Hurting someone I loved, love, spent time with, spend time with, is hard enough on me.  Let me bear the burden.  You don't have to.  It's not for you.

I could stay silent, I could pretend I'm not affected by what I perceive as harsh judgements.  I could say I wish I was stronger.  I certainly used to be.  But I'm done wishing I was, or I wasn't anything.  I'm done with labels.  I'm done with should's and shouldnt's.  I am me, and this is who I am, today.

The irony is, the people this post is "for" will most likely never come across it.  Since I've been unfriended not only in real life, but in cyberspace as well.  Maybe the lesson will ultimately be mine.  Maybe through all of this, I'll learn whatever I need to after the hurt passes.  Maybe the words just finally needed to tumble out of me.  Maybe I'll feel lighter after I post this.

I do what I can to get by as a sensitive person in what feels like a sometimes too-rough world.  Just like you. I seek out my truth and authenticity as much as I can, daily.  I seek my truth to become a better version of myself, so that I'm a better partner, friend, daughter, granddaughter, niece, fiancĂ©, employee, actor, person.

I want you to be a friend to me based on my direct relationship to you, and that alone.  I don't want to be defined by my personal or romantic relationships that don't concern you.  I want to be free.  Free from a feeling of bullying.  By feeling shut out of a community of people.

I want to wake up without a heavy heart.
I want to feel supported.
I want to feel emotionally, mentally, and physically able to do my best.
I want happiness.
I want to grow.
I want to keep expanding.
I want to keep growing in my acceptance of others.
I want to keep growing in my compassion for others.
I want the best for those in my past, and those in my life now.
I want to feel free of heartache, of sadness.
I want to heal now.
I want love.
I don't want to be judged.
I want to be included, not excluded.
I don't want to be defined by who I love...

Just like you.

Thanks for reading,

Deena Marie

May 27, 2014

Two years.

"What I want you to know, you, yes you, is that there was a time when the people who are not, were still in the world. Made of earth. And they were vibrant and alive. Life was localized and it was musical and smelled of cinnamon and spice. It was loud. A vibration of generations connected by our invisible dewdrop spiderweb. I was so conscious of it then. It was tangible. I could almost see it. I can hear it still. It echos in me." 

-Deena Marie, 2012

Two years ago today, almost down to the exact hour, my uncle chuck left earth.  I don't feel like posting pictures.  But I can't go without words on this day.

The first experience with this thing we call death.

If you could peek inside my head and heart you'd see why that was the moment.  From then on, nothing would ever be the same.  For me, for any of us.  I could never have imagined that that was the beginning.  The beginning of the shift.  The new normal. Nothing would remain the same.  My internal makeup would completely change.

I've been thinking a lot about that, and while I've mentioned it here plenty of times since then, how do I try to explain what that means? My internal makeup would completely change.

I wrote this blurb the other day,

"Ever since, I worry my eyes can't see.
Won't focus, will stop seeing, have blurred.

I worry my breath is running out, has become too shallow, 
no longer supports me.

I feel myself flicker and worry I keep trying to transcend.  
Involuntarily, my consciousness slips in and out and I have no control.

I wonder if in fact I don't exist."

I thought my soul was going to jump right out of my body.  I felt like I could barely contain it.  "Here we go", I'd think to myself as the feeling would come on.  I could be anywhere.  Driving in the morning.  Sitting in front of the computer.  Getting ready to meet a friend for coffee.  I could barely focus.  I realized how serious it could be the day I rear ended a car coming off of the freeway for no reason.  I knew I was slowing down, I knew there was a car in front of me.  I simply didn't see it.  I kept leaving myself.

And my dreams.  If only you could have seen my dreams.  I've seen the brightest lights as I'm falling asleep.  "Here we go," I'd think to myself.  "Transcending again." I've seen visions. I've seen heaven.

I've felt my heart race to the point of panic and my brain go fuzzy.  My body kept betraying.  Now I realize it has a name.  You can call it anxiety, you can call it PTSD. I call it the new normal.  And it's getting better.  Patience.  Time.  I am feeling less connected to the physicality and other worldly-ness of two years ago.  

I no longer worry I don't exist, have died, will slip off the earth and into the blue before it's time.

I'm here.  I'm meat and bones and thoughts and feelings.  I am temporarily tangible. How lucky.

Two years later.

What was your journey, my family? Where are you now? Are you who you want to be? Did you find your truth? Are the last two years still teaching you? Are you still learning? Have you expanded? Are you where you wanted to end up? If not, go get it.  Run. Look how long, and short the two years were.  Waste not.  There are no rules now! There is no fear now! There is only love, only this moment.  What a gift.

Heal.  Heal now.  I will if you will.

Deena Marie

May 12, 2014


I am in the produce section of an unfamiliar grocery store.
It is mother's day.
It strikes me as being a little crowded, but since I don't regularly shop there
I can't know for sure.
I'm aware it is a holiday and assume all of these people are here
for the same things as we are.
Mother's day dinner, or treats.  Greeting cards, last minute flowers.

I am surprised at how many flowers are still left, but how few cards.

I have a sense of unity.  We are all here for one purpose.
We're all doing the same deed.

I pass a man, who is on the phone.
We will continue to keep crossing paths over and over until we both leave the store.

His words are universal.  Generic.
He seems to be reciting from memory the contents of a card or a letter.

I'm struck with how it's all the same.  Always.
The same words.  Catchphrases.  Cliches.
It's all the same for all of us.  People.  Doing the same thing here, today.

It strikes so hard, the smallness of how we speak.  Spend time.
It's suddenly so disappointing.  Off putting.
How can there be so few ways to say what we feel?

These small words sadden me.
I am sad with my options.
I long for more.
I don't know them myself, or how to find them.

But I never want to trap, or be trapped in such a small way.

I will fight to keep seeing, to express beyond.

Deep.  I always want to go deeper.
More.  I always want more than what I'm given.
Being a human has always felt too small.