Today was one of those days. I kept thinking about Chuck. Out of nowhere I'd feel a stab. A stab of remembering that he is no longer in the world. Those are the words that kept gripping me.
On the 27th of this month it will be five months. Five. What does that even mean?
Because I'm out of town and not near the loved ones I've been especially close to these last few months, I am not allowing myself to fully go there for now. I've been focused and busy and compartmentalizing.
It's hard, because since Chuck I've been letting myself live everything as it comes. I don't want to compartmentalize but I have to for a few more weeks.
Today I feel absolutely every emotion all at the same time.
Sad. Homesick. Grateful. Excited. You name it, I'm feeling it.
It's real. It really happened. That happened kept washing over me. I couldn't get it to feel real. It was the closest to the day it actually happened that I've had in a long time. That was unexpected. I had moments of thinking I must be going crazy because I felt like I suddenly couldn't make myself understand it. I couldn't catch my breath.
My eyes kept filling up with tears and it got harder to try to keep them in.
I finally couldn't and cried my eyes out in the park to my mom on the phone and then again to my sweetheart on Face Time. I feel better letting it some of it out but that doesn't make it any less real.
This is a process. This will never be over. This is our new life. Mine, my loved ones.
This has been the hardest and the best year of my life.