Apr 30, 2011

And so it goes

According to Vedanta, there are only two symptoms of enlightenment, just two indications that a transformation is taking place within you toward a higher consciousness. The first symptom is that you stop worrying. Things don’t bother you anymore. You become light hearted and full of joy. The second symptom is that you encounter more and more meaningful coincidences in your life, more and more synchronicities. And this accelerates to the point where you actually experience the miraculous.
-Deepak Chopra

Life is so weird. So funny. Everything is connected and I'm pretty sure I'll go on record and tell you I've become a believer that there are no coincidences in life.

I've made peace with it now, but I was feeling a little icky after putting it out there what I wanted to do. The traveling, mentioned a few blogs back. I wrote about it here then started spreading the word to groups of friends. My close real life friends. My circle of youtubers. Other internet friends. Family. I didn't post it all over any other sites, or make a YouTube video like I had planned, in the next step. I got so many replies of support and word seemed to already be spreading. Honestly, it all felt very private to me and I only announced it because I was so sure at the time. I'd waited a week or so to announce it and I figured I'd need to start telling people and asking for advice. Who knows if any of my contacts knew about this, had done it, knew someone who had, etc. When things came to a screeching halt with these plans, after being bummed, I felt violated. This could have all remained very private. I would have preferred it that way. I guess I should have waited until I had my ticket in my hand. I'm still getting messages with people wanting to know about this big 500 mile walk and I feel like I've had a page of my diary published. I can't look at it as a mistake, because for whatever reason it was supposed to unfold this way. But it just...feels weird. I suppose it's a lesson on how fast things spread. I suppose it's a lesson on if you tell one person, they'll tell another, then they'll tell another, and so on and so forth. I still plan to do this next year and I can only imagine that the wait will give me a chance to learn more, not just about the journey itself but about myself and make it all the more rich. So that's that for now.

Here's the part that is still blowing my mind. I thought I was supposed to have this experience now because I wasn't sure if I had the right handle on performing. If I was perhaps letting it control me a little more than I was controlling it, it a nutshell. If I was as happy with it all and if it was even happy with me anymore. I felt so disconnected from it. Disconnected from quite a few things, actually. Then a complete 180 happened. The "magical string of events" I mentioned awhile back led me to be able to spend nearly a week in "solitude", holed up reading & writing & reading & writing with the tv off and computer on very little. I began to realize so much and get back on top of what was, in a way, smothering me. I began to learn new ways of thinking and start to put them into practice. I almost immediately felt better. It is amazing what changing the way you think of something does for your mental and emotional health. Basically, it was just a big wake up call to listen to myself. We all know what we want and what we need if we just slow down a minute and really listen.

Anyway, so there I was, having just made the decision that I wouldn't be traveling right now. But deep down, I knew it would be okay. I knew I would be okay, even if I didn't know what was next.

Then the next morning happened.

I woke up and went to zumba and when I got home I got on facebook. I had a few notifications congratulating me for being a nominee in the Utah Entertainment and Choice Awards. What?! I was nominated with three other locals in the "future" category. This is described as: "The Choice in Future Award showcases individuals or businesses that display extraordinary tenacity, ambition, and fortitude for achievement." Basically, this is the first annual awards show of this nature in UT. It's a black tie, red carpet event covered by both local and non local press. It takes place on May 20th. I've never been nominated or won something specifically like this, because there hasn't been anything like this. Do you realize how much this meant to me right at that particular moment? On that particular morning? It was special to be recognized. It meant so much to me that there are people out there recognizing the time and effort I've put into making a career and name for myself for a very long time. Had I gone out of town, I wouldn't be able to have even gone to the ceremony! I'm by no means comparing the importance of a ceremony to the journey I was about to make, but it just seemed like I was prevented from going on purpose. There was something else right here that I needed to learn. I was also contacted about a potential show may/june. On the same day. This is pending, but again, the timing is just too bizarre.

I feel much calmer about all of the above, and I'll I've been feeling through the last month. I feel this has come when I was in the mindset to appreciate it most. You just can't rush anything...maybe you do get what you need at the right time? Maybe what you need isn't always what you had planned, or thought you'd benefit from most? I feel very happy and very fortunate at the moment. I feel excited about everything coming up through the summer and I'm once again aware that the possibilities are endless and are to be enjoyed when they happen (the joy lies in the experience. Not on the fast forward of what's next) and learned from when they don't. And that it's okay. You can't rush anything. It comes to you when it's supposed to. Whatever happens, it's okay.

Apr 27, 2011

Life is what happens...

...when you're busy making other plans?

And something about how you don't always get what you want, you get what you need?
And then reversed? And then reversed again?

Yup. That about explains it all right now :)

I don't think I'll ever know if I lived a charmed life or just an ironic one!

* * * * * * *

Anyway, just found out voting is DAILY for the Industry & Power Awards.
The awards are on May 20th.

Click this link, NO SIGN UP needed, scroll to the bottom and I'm the last category.

Please vote often and spread the word?

My stylist friend Jen Clyde will be styling me for this black tie event.
I suppose even if I don't win, it will be fun to be all dressed up. What girl doesn't love that?

Thanks friends!

Apr 26, 2011

I'm nominated!!! Please help! :)

I found out this morning I've been nominated for our local Choice Power & Industry Awards!
WTF? Amazing, whoever was putting my name in the running! I would love a shot!
If you scroll to the bottom, it's the last category.

Please click my name & help me spread the word?

I'll be forever grateful! Needless to say, this was just the pick me up I needed this morning...regardless of what happens!

Thank you! :)


Apr 25, 2011


Update. Went in to talk to the travel agency. First one I called didn't do the kind of thing that I want to do so she referred me elsewhere. Called where I was referred and the first lady who answered seemed like I was asking for a ticket to Mars. Anyway, went in and who I ended up meeting with was very helpful and very knowledgable. We mapped out two ways for me to potentially get there. It ended up being more travel time before even beginning the camino, but less expensive than I'd originally budgeted.

I've been debating the last three and a half hours. As much as I want to jump on everything my heart is telling me, the practical side is now just as relevant. Coming home and going over every last penny for the last few hours tells me that yes. I could afford it. I could afford the cost of travel, of living 35 days and of the gear (sweet god in heaven WHY is the gear so much money)?! The only problem is, that's it. That pretty much wipes me out. The next problem is (and I only vaguely mentioned this a few posts back) I'm also going to be in NYC in July. For more work than play, and while my ticket and hotel are booked I still need cab fair, subway card and money to eat. Forget that I'd hoped to see a show or two.

I just don't think I can afford it right now, in good conscience.

As much as I'd like to do my camino right now, as much as I feel it calling me, I don't know that it's the wisest decision. The most romantic? Impulsive? Brave? Yes. But could I literally do everything I need to do upon returning to real life right now? I don't know. And I'd like to know.

The other issue is, where will I be in a year from now? What will I be feeling? What will our plans be as a couple, as a family, etc. I don't know. Will I be on the camino next may, like I'd originally thought? Or will it be ten years from now?

I wanted nothing to stand in my way. I wanted so badly to do this. But I think it must be happening as it's supposed to. Remember what I said in my last post. Everyone says "The Camino begins before you've even left". Boy, isn't that the truth?

I have to remember that I knew from the start, whenever I was supposed to be there, I would be. Whatever is supposed to happen there and whoever I'm supposed to meet there will be there when it's time. I'm a little bummed, okay flat out sad, but I'm going to try my hardest to accept and allow and look at all that is positive.

That's where I stand right now, if I do something crazy I'll let you know :)

But mark my worlds, I will do this in my lifetime!

So for now...

art by Austin Kleon

Let's find out!

Today I'll (hopefully) know if this will really be happening next month.

We'll see. I need a quote from the travel agent and if it fits my budget then I'm there. It's nerve wracking. It's expensive as hell to do this, and kind of unplanned. Well, as in not having planned for months which I normally would have.

The gear is also expensive as hell. The only thing that would hold me back, in this case I'd just go next May, will be the price. I'm going to try to accept whatever the outcome is and figure that's the way it's supposed to be.

Let's go find out!

PS I've received some incredible, personal and supportive inbox messages on my Facebook about this. You never really know who is going to step out of the woodwork, or try to offer advice, or who will relate when you put yourself out and let your vulnerability show. It's not always the people you expect. Life is so interesting. No matter what I will do this, and I do believe what they say, "the Camino starts before you even leave".

Thanks everyone!

Apr 23, 2011

It's time.

Okay. Where to begin?

If you follow me here, you've probably noticed I've been doing a whole lot of soul searching in my last few posts. I've been taking some time to self reflect, get away from the computer, write and read. I've been questioning things happening for a reason and when something is meant to be. I like to remain pretty private on my online sites, but I'm busting way out of the mold on this one.

Whatever you believe in and whatever you want to call it, a string of events the past couple of weeks have brought me to a decision of what I need to do next in my life.

I made this decision about a week and a half ago and now I'm ready to make my announcement.

I'm going to walk The Camino.

EEEEEEEEEK! Just writing it my eyes fill up with tears and I get butterflies!

Let me tell you what this is. It's a pilgrimage through Spain. 500 miles. On foot.

Camino de Santiago, I'll be starting at St. Jean Pied de Port in France, going over the Pyrenees day one and ending up in Santiago. There at the journeys end, a mass is held for the pilgrims and they are given the compostela, a certificate of accomplishment for completing The Way.

I've realized how much time I've spent living on fast forward. I've wrapped myself up so completely in performing, what I can do for other people, what will come next that I haven't taken time to check in with me in awhile. Before I even knew of the pilgrimage I was craving solitude, nature and the need to slow down.

I need to just be without an expected outcome.

How often do we let ourselves do that?!

I don't have a summer show, I don't have to be anywhere until mid July. I realized I have the time right now, I need it now...so why not now? I can't explain how much I feel it calling me. This found me, I didn't find it.

How often is it we hear of others doing something extraordinary and the first thing we say is, "I could never do that!" But the truth is, we can. We can do it. Or at least try our hardest. How often do we push aside our truest instincts, what we know we need but don't do because it isn't practical. Or timed right. Or easy. It is the difference between the person who wishes, and the person who wakes up and does.

My plan is to take every last bit of money I have to make it happen. I'll be speaking with the travel agent on monday and hopefully leaving mid may and returning 5 to 6 weeks later.

This means I need to tie up all loose ends and get some gear (boots, jacket, pants, backpack, etc) fairly quickly. But you could put off forever doing something so big because of how hard it is, or it not being the perfect time under the guise of fear.

I refuse to ever let fear stop me.

At first I thought I'd be doing this in one year from now. But I can't wait. And I don't know what the future holds. I need to listen to my instincts rather than let all outside forces guide me, as I so often do.

It's time.

People have done this for year and years. Be it religious, spiritual, physical, mental or emotional reasons...there is a reason why it calls so strongly. I am so sure of this. I have basically been reading and learning as much about this pilgrimage as I possibly can all week.

It will be hard, it will be wonderful. It will be profound. And we all need to allow ourselves to do whatever we can to have a profound experience from time to time. To remember there is so much beyond and outside of ourselves. How little we can really live on and how little we need to make us happy. What's important.

My husband could not be more supportive of this. Because he is so good to me, I feel secure in leaving to do this. Although the most we've ever been apart is five days...and that was hard. I know in the grand scheme of things the time is just a blip on the radar of life. It's leaving my pup I'm probably most worried about!

I have great hope and I really do feel this is going to work out.

Again, I'm not going to let timing or money or any kind of worry hold me back. I feel this is what I am supposed to be doing. That if this is the right time, it will work out and I'll be on the path next month.

I'm going to be selling a few things on KSL and Ebay so I'm not completely penniless when I return, but if you do feel so inclined to send a dollar or two, I'm setting up a donation button at the bottom of the page.

Mind you, this is not about a vacation, and escape or luxury. You basically go with nothing on your back other than what you can fit into your backpack (and the goal is to have it at around 15 lbs)! You stay in hostels along the way for a few bucks a night. You eat and you stop when you're body tells you to. It's on your time, and yours alone.

I don't want this to feel like work and I don't want to feel like I have to do anything. So I won't be taking a video camera. As cool as it would be to do a daily vlog, I know It would defeat the purpose. I will be taking a camera and journal and you bet I'll pour my heart and experience into a lengthy blog, perhaps even a book afterward.

I will post a couple more links at the bottom to give you a better idea of what I'm doing.

Wish me luck!

Camino de Santiago on Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Camino_de_Santiago

Apr 21, 2011



I really like Tumblr lately. I've started posting little tidbits I find online over there. Pictures and quotes and videos. Things I find funny, pretty, inspirational, etc. If you're on Tumblr, follow me why don't you?

Still in a reading & writing mode.

Yesterday it was pointed out to me that I'm pretty much the "only person" still buying books. Everyone else is reading them on their ipads or kindles.

Oh dear. Please, books. Please, please, please don't ever become extinct. I refuse to switch over to the electronic "book". I know it may spare some trees, but if one more tangilbe thing is taken away I might scream. Or become a hermit in the mountains.


Apr 19, 2011


I've been learning firsthand so much about synchronicity, and cause & effect lately.

I find it more than a little funny that this is timed with my questioning the idea of luck, everything happening for a reason and officially putting my call into the universe that I'm "ready".

Just another omen I've stumbled along in the string of magic events I've had unraveling before me the last week:

I will explain more soon, I really will. I will tell you everything and I won't be so mysterious here!

Right now my journal and my sweetheart are the first and only to know.

Ever since "Persian Quarter", Rumi really does seem to be in all...and everywhere... ;)

“Oh soul,
you worry too much.
You have seen your own strength.
You have seen your own beauty.
You have seen your golden wings.
Of anything less,
why do you worry?
You are in truth
the soul, of the soul, of the soul.”

Apr 17, 2011

Lately I like...

Solitude well spent.
Not too much time wasted on facebook.
Being outside.
Slowing down.
Journaling again.
Pens and paper.
Surprising myself.
Being present.

Having time to do all of the above.

Major, major things brewing.

* * * * * * * * * *

(And on a completely unrelated note) My favorite song at the moment:

Apr 13, 2011

Don't forget what ELSE is out there...

Sometimes a little less computer & tv
and a little more reading & writing does a girl good :)

Apr 11, 2011

Is there such a thing as "good luck"?

The night before an audition I opened a fortune cookie.
It said, "You will be showered with good luck tomorrow".

I auditioned for three plays, got called back for two, cast in one.

What do you think when you hear the following phrases?

She/he was born under a lucky star
Thank your lucky stars
She/he has a dark cloud hanging over them

Is there something to be said for all/any of them? Do you believe that there is such a thing as good luck? Are some people destined for great things, for things to come easy, and others to struggle, to fail?

Is it all based on what each individual perceives? And can we really make our own luck?

There's a quote from the book The Alchemist that says "when you really want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it."

As much as I'd like to believe that to be true...I just don't know if I do.

I have had many opportunities and gotten almost everything I've wished for in some form or another. But I never feel like I'm done, or like I've accomplished enough.

In many ways I still feel I'm waiting for my moment. My big moment. I've had many small ones and I'm ready for it.

So how do I get there? Am I one of those "born under a lucky star"? Most would say yes. I would say...I don't know. What if I'm not? What if my deepest desires never come to light? What is it I'm asking for? I feel as open for it and ready as ever and have officially put my call out into the universe. Is that enough? Is that all I can do? Has the conspiring begun?

What do you think? What is luck to you and do you believe in it?

What do you think of my experience? Do you believe in omens like that? I think I could argue it both ways. Yes, I got a part. In my favorite of the three plays, actually. But. It wasn't the role or even the play that I was certain I'd be up for and was in the mind set of potentially getting.

*This isn't to say I'm not grateful or happy about this casting, or any of the things I've gotten to do that I know others would love to do, too. Not at all. I just love to think about things like this and really try to figure it out. I hate to think I'll die one day without ever knowing the secrets of the universe. I refuse it :)

So. Is it all just perception?

How do we appreciate the moment instead of living in the future and the what ifs?

I guess it's time to open up The Alchemist for the third time :)

Apr 3, 2011

6 Impossible things before breakfast

"Sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast."

Story of my life.

I want so many things. I want it all. I want it all now. But I can't. So I must wait. And say I'll learn patience, even though I won't. And this will remain the story of my life.

At this very moment there are so many directions my life could, or is about, to take.

Nothing is certain but everything is possible.

And it looks like one possibility could even come from my beloved, beloved, beloved nyc and a special trip I'll be making there in July.

Hang tight, dreams. Hang tight!

Apr 2, 2011

Do it.

You know what my biggest pet peeve is? People who want something to change, who can talk about wanting it to change, but who can't seem to do anything about it. I don't understand it. I don't understand letting fear hold you back. How boring.

There's a big difference between someone who wakes up in the morning and WISHES and someone who wakes up in the morning and DOES.

I realized there are a few projects that have been on the to do list for awhile. Quite awhile. I realized that if I don't start taking some kind of action, years will have gone by and it will end up on the "something I never got to do list" (and that list scares the shit out of me).

This isn't my typical behavior, but a matter of being so busy with other things I haven't made the time. If I want it to happen, I've got to make the time. I've got to start it now. It's that simple.

On the to do list?

A one woman stage show. An original show. With characters I create.
(Think a more versatile Pee Wee)

A one woman short film. Dark, creepy and suspenseful.
(Think "Buried", "127 Hours", "1408", "Cast Away")

Songs. My poetry set to music, in studio and maybe on YouTube.
(Think Jewel, Poe, Fiona, etc.)

So. Over the next little while I've gotta start putting down on paper my ideas and start ever so gently planting the seeds. If nothing else, I want to do it for me. So I'm choosing to.