Mar 8, 2013

Wanting the impossible.

I've been thinking about "the impossibilities of judging another" for nearly 24 hours now.  It started with a comment I made on a Facebook post that got my thoughts swirling and my words forming, and now here I am.  With something much bigger than I originally intended to post.

Over the course of life you learn to never say never.  I can't stress how important this mantra has become to me.  And crucial.  Over time, you will find yourself in situations you never in a million years thought you'd be in, or could have ever planned for.  Planning, in fact, is a large part of the problem.  Planning is a trick and often has the reverse effect of what the intentions behind it are.  If you make a plan from which you tell yourself you cannot waver, any unexpected event or roadblock will only cause you grief.

Plans can of course be good.  It means you have an idea of what you want and what you're interested in.  That is, if it's your plan and not someone else's plan for you.  It means you're tuning in.  You're following your instincts and following your heart.

But the most important things of all when planning, are flexibility and adaptability.  That's the secret.  All the things you tell yourself when you're a teenager and in your early twenties (when you are one hundred and fifty percent sure of who you are, what you stand for, and all you'll ever want to be) only belong to a version of you.

You know the time you wait for (that you know one day will magically come) when you're finally a grown up, and you'll know how to be an adult? And what to do, and how to do it just like you see your parents do? It never comes.

It's all one big experiment up until our physical body expires.  An experiment for you, your parents, for anyone you've ever known or will know.

We're all making it up as we go along and doing our best for what is right for the version we are at any given moment in time.

As you grow and gather along the way all the unexpected, transformative, huge, and traumatic experiences that add to the sum of who you are, you realize just how impossible (and not only impossible but completely nonsensical) it is to ever judge another.

See, we never know what we're capable of until we're forced with the thing we swore we'd never have to do, or the situation we knew could never happen to us.

There's that word again.  Never.  Never say never.

If, or more importantly when, these lessons arise, be gentle with yourself.  Forgive.  It will wound you but it doesn't have to ruin you.  It feels for awhile like a betrayal to who we thought we were or who we wanted to be, finding ourselves in that spot that happen to other people but never to us.

Acceptance is crucial.  Accept simply that "we don't know what it is we don't know."  And that the same is true for any human, at any moment.  There is only sympathy.  There is only compassion.  The more you surprise yourself, survive, and age, the clearer this becomes.  That to judge another is impossible.  Everything you know to be true right now, can one day change by events in life that you'd never see coming.

You would want sympathy and understanding, and you certainly wouldn't want to be judged when it's you.  Why wouldn't everyone else want and deserve it, too?

Lately, when I see judgements passed it makes me sad.  A dull, deep, sadness.  I'm not sure why now, or why so sad.

Judging yourself or others is so small.  So incredibly small.  It comes from a small mind, a small world view, a small life, and keeps it small.  I do realize that judgement comes from a place of simply not knowing.  There should be compassion for that concept alone, and I'm trying.  But it hurts.  I'm not even talking about or being spurred on from any recent personal experience.  Just from observation.

Maybe it's because more than ever I am aware and understand that every fiber in me craves the opposite.  I choose big.  I want the biggest mind I'm capable of.  The biggest life with every possible experience.  The answers and opportunities to explore from getting the knowledge I'm seeking.  It's on full force within me.  The volume is up.

I've also been slowly but surely trying to wrap my head around and notice that our thoughts have everything to do with our happiness.  Our reality and how we perceive and experience the world.  Judging is negative.  Even if you don't realize it, the negative energy adds up.  Not only do others sense the negativity and instinctually avoid you, but it drains you.  And you aren't as happy.

The question I  keep coming back to when thinking about this is, "how can you judge what you don't know?" You don't know the decisions someone has had to make that they never wanted to, or planned on.  How can you tell anyone outside of yourself what is right? Or wrong?

It's like the Carl Sagan quote, "If you want to make apple pie from scratch, you must first invent the universe."  For someone to explain "why" they are the way they are to someone judging them for it, they would have to start with the moment of birth, and then every experience they've ever had, and the impact of every person they've ever encountered so you could understand what has shaped them into who they are up until that point.  But actually, then you'd need to go further back.  You'd have to explore the lives of the parents that birthed them.  Then their parents, and their lives, and their parents, their lives, and so on.

But here's the other thing.  No explanation is necessary.  To anyone outside of yourself.

You are enough.  You do what you can, with what you have, where you are, today.

If more people understood that, there would be more sympathy and less judgement.  Sure we all believe what we believe is right.  We may even think we need to spread messages to sway other people in to our beliefs or lifestyles.  But I'd like to suggest another way.  I think there's simply the way of sharing what we know.  I've said it a million times, we are each others teachers.  It's crucial.  What if instead of  preaching what we know is right or true, we just gave? What if we just share who we are, who we've been, and who we're becoming, and let others interpret and take from it what they will? And what if this sharing of the self came from a only a place of love? Of compassion? Of expecting nothing in return? Of a judgement free place.

What I realize is I am seeking the people who are big.  In mind, in heart, and in life.  The teachers.  The lifters.  The inspirations.  I want to surround myself with those who have the most knowledge.  The biggest minds.  The most open of hearts.

Those who will help me in spreading compassion.

There is only compassion.
There is only love.

Compassion and love bring unity.

We are all one.

Thanks for reading

My life in pictures:

* * * * * * *


  1. This is beautiful! What you say here is so true and written so clearly! It's great to see how tuned in you are to yourself and what a better world this would be if more of us could and would do the same.

  2. "You want to make God laugh, tell him your plans."

    This was beautiful, and shared words that have been sitting in my heart. Thank you for taking the time to write it out and share it. I get it, and I feel you. It is a beautiful reminder that when I want to judge someone, I get to remind myself how much I have not wanted to be judged this past year, and that until I have walked in someone's shoes, I have no right to judge them.