I've sat down to write a blog here several times over the last few weeks. I start, I stop. I hit save instead of publish. I think I'll come back to it. I don't. Snippets come and go through the day and when I think I've got one to expand on, it fizzles. I can't quite get it together. Maybe I'm trying a little to hard to make something out of nothing. Or perhaps if I gather the bits of the nothings and just come here now, they'll form their own something. Let's try.
I just realized that everything floating around in me lately has to do with opposition. So many themes, perspectives, observations coming at me from opposing angles.
I have been thinking about judgement. How unfair it is to judge another. How deeply hurt I've been from others who I had once considered friends to have judged me. Then I wonder why it hurts so deeply. What am I missing from them no longer being in my life? How crucial were they to my life in the first place? Why do I think about it frequently? What do I so desperately want them to understand about me? And why would I feel like I ever needed to explain?
I think about how consciously I work to never judge another. But I realize I still do it. Not in big ways. And that's what's so tricky. Thoughts can be so sneaky! But I've started to tune in to that barely audible voice that quickly says, "I wouldn't have done that." Or "Why did / didn't he / she do that?"
Wait. Maybe that's it. That's the key. Is this how life works? To dig deeper, spin it back to me, and question what I'm believing in that moment? To take a minute to become a little more aware, and think about what kind of reality I'm creating? What I must believe or not believe to feel this way or that about this person in that moment?
Okay. I'll take it. I'll keep learning. Please, let me keep learning. I'll keep questioning. For the love of god, let me keep questioning.
Thoughts. Thoughts truly are things. And what fragile things they are.
I'm in love. I'm in love like never before. I love you. What's the opposite of those words? I hate you. Words must be so carefully chosen. In any kind of relationship you're just a slip away from words that could damage, alter, or end it all.
Words are things. And what fragile things they are.
I think about death a lot. I have since May 27, 2012 and will for the rest of my life. This is not to say I walk around in doom and gloom. Quite the opposite. It made me chose life, and chose to fill my life in a brand new way. It showed me what matters. It gave me awareness. I'm aware I don't get to keep this life. I'm aware I'm on a set amount of time in this body on this earth. Let me say it again, I don't get to keep this life. I don't get to keep my people, either. I've watched two go, now. The impact of their deaths rearranged everything inside my head and heart.
I'm different now. I saw the switch go off. We're just a slip away. From breathing, or not breathing.
Lives are things. What fragile things they are.
That's it for now….