My concept of time has been all sorts of askew since landing here Sunday night. I've felt a little out of sorts and unsettled more often than not and I'm working on figuring out why.
Sometimes it's a good thing for me to go directly into one adventure after another, and sometimes if I don't have the chance to feel through what's happened and catch up with myself it leaves my insides feeling too busy, which is not a good thing for me. New York makes my insides busy enough.
I know there are two things I'm dealing with. The first, is that I'm here for a long chunk of time. Nearly seven weeks vs the 4 - 5 day stay I've done over the years. When I know I'm here for only a few days, I am relaxed. I feel free the minute my plane lands and my time here never seems long enough. This time around, all I could focus on was the impending length of time. The time I won't have access to my things, my home, and most importantly, my family.
As in my sweetheart. My pup. My cat. My parents.
This is funny because I know on paper this trip is a blip on the timeline of my life. I know as soon as I come out the other side I will be thinking how fast it went. But what is it that Steve Job said in his talk to Stanford? Looking back, we see how the dots connect but we can't see it looking forward.
Aye, there's the rub.
I knew I'd be dealing with the new meaning of goodbye and a sense of separation anxiety. And I am. It is so different to be staying in an apartment with friends this time rather than a hotel. Much more of the feeling that I'm temporarily living here more than I am just a visitor. Buying groceries. Commuting home. Oh yeah. This was what it was like all those years ago when I was a student here.
In the months since Chuck I have come to understand appreciation. I can't believe how lucky I am in this life and I can't believe there are times when I forget that for so long (I hate the human ego!). I have learned a big lesson in making conscious decisions rather than feeling trapped by the decisions I make.
I would and do choose my life at home a thousand times over.
I would never want to live the NYC life again. I'm saying truly live it, as in move here and make this my home. Been there, done that. I know where I feel settled, where I thrive, the lifestyle that makes feel comfortable and gives me a sense of home.
I love my home. There is no place like home. Truly. I didn't think I could appreciate any more, but turns out I can.
Another thing I realized and I've been waiting to put into words was my experience with "The Winter's Tale". I haven't felt like this about a show in a long time. I have had very special shows. Just about all of them have been amazing roles and challenges and once again, I am so grateful. But once in a while it's like your acting dreams all line up for you and you get handed something that is pure magic. These times are so rare that years go by in between. That was this one. It helped heal me. It moved me forward. It put me in a different place than I'd started this year out in. It saved me, reinvigorated and inspired me. I'll never get over it. I didn't want to say goodbye. I almost have no words for what happened to me on some of those nights on that stage, or the process of putting that one together. I want to cry when I think about it. That I got to do it. That it is a part of the story of the history of me.
Art as a healer. Huh. Now that it's done and I've found myself taken into another new world, it feels abrupt. Not bad, not good, just that. Abrupt. A lot to process. It can be hard to think here. Especially because I haven't had much down time. I took tuesday to try to rest and regroup but I think I need a few more of those. This afternoon might just be one.
I also don't mean to come off as though I'm not capable of enjoying my time here. That's not the case. I've already seen two plays, a movie, and at the end of the week a total of eight friends. I've started my Shakespeare course and imagine my surprise when there was a familiar face from home in the class! This world is so small and so big. Time is so long and so short. Opposites. Always opposites.
I've got tickets to upcoming shows I've been wanting to see. Upcoming classical workshops and a mask course. Friends and family coming in to the city while I happen to be here. The serendipity of it is not lost on me.
My sweet friends, my roomies are so wonderful. My room is cozy and they have gone to great lengths to make sure I'm at my most comfortable. What a generous thing it is, to open your home and take someone in! How do you ever begin to repay something so big, so kind?
Theatre is my love. Always has been and always will be. I always want to know more. I want to be better with everything I do. I'll always feel that way. I've said time and time again that's why I love acting. We're never done. It's always changing. That's why I'm here. To put in some time to get some education I feel like I can't get anywhere else. To put myself in a new classroom with a new instructor and try to crack open further. To learn lessons. To have a month and a half experiment.
To me it's worth it. It's important. Crucial. But my heart will stay heavy for home until I'm back with my family I'm oh so attached to.