Dec 31, 2012

NYC #15 - Wrap up

I'd been blogging my NYC stay every sunday, but I never got around to the final post.  My Grandpa suddenly passed away & sent my world into a tailspin again.  I came home a day early.  I really wanted to conclude my posts and I hope I kept track of what I did the final week.  Let me open up my calendar I was keeping and see what I've got.  This last one probably wont be as detailed, but at least I'll have documented it all.

Sunday November 4
Mexican Food date with the roomies at Ariba Ariba.

Monday November 5
A dinner and a drink with Scotty & Tyrel at Lillies in Union Square.

Tuesday November 6
Figaro at The Pearl.  I've never seen a cast of more beautiful women before.  Each one, so striking.  Every time a new one came out it took me aback.

Wednesday November 7
Met my scene partner David to work on our Measure for Measure scene for my final Shakespeare course on monday.  We sat working and just talking for hours.  It started snowing like crazy! I could barely keep my feet on the ground, and the wind blowing was painful.  Snow and ice kept getting in my eyes and it hurt.  I stopped for pad tai around the corner when I left Davids and hopped on the subway to Times Square where I saw "Dead Accounts" with Katie Holmes.

Thursday November 8
Went to visit Joyce Cohen! One of the people in my life who truly inspires me.  She talked about having a "big life".  And completely understood the importance of having that big life to bring back to your partner.

Friday November 9
An audition for "The Winter's Tale".  I'll remember this as one of the best auditions I've had.  Started day one of our Neutral Mask Workshop at the Movement Theater Studio NYC taught by Adrienne Kapstein.

Saturday November 10
Day two of Mask, followed by seeing a production of Golden Boy".  This was a special show for me to see for two reasons.  One, when I was a student at Atlantic a scene I was working on from Golden Boy was chosen to perform for David Mamets master class.  I'd never seen the play done before.  And two, Tony Shallhoub was in it.  There's a running joke now with two plays I've been in where I have spread the word Tony was in the audience. Someone falls for it every time.  This was my chance to get a picture with him after to conclude the ultimate joke.

I was having a great day and night, then I went home and got the word my grandpa suddenly died.

Sunday November 11
I got no sleep.  I cried all night.  I wanted to get home as fast as possible.  I couldn't believe this was real.  The rug had been pulled out from under me.  What should I do? What could I do? I was so far.  I went to my third and final Mask class.  With my bloodshot eyes.  I talked with my roomie on the subway the entire way there.  I was determined to get through.

Monday November 12
Last Shakespeare class.  It was wonderful.  David & I took a picture and said goodbye before I hopped on the subway to pack up and leave.  John helped me get a car, we said our goodbyes, and there I went.

As quickly as it had begun, my journey was over.

I've purposely left out details on classes.  What I did, what I learned, what was said, what the instructors were like.  That was for me.  If you want to know more, maybe in person I'll tell you sometime.

I needed this.  I needed to prove things to myself.  I needed to get away.  I needed to come back.  I needed to learn, grow, make peace, move forward.  It was absolutely invaluable.

New York, I love you.

The shows  (in order.)
1.) Folsom Prison Shots presented by aMios – under St. Marks
2.) Harper Reagan – Atlantic Theater Company 
3.) Prelude, The Return of the Singspeil – CUNY
4.) Cyrano – Roundabout
5.) Sleep No More - McKittrick Hotel 
6.) Once - Broadway 
7.) Pericles – Animus Theatre Company 
8.) Love Poems for Dead Bodies (reading) – Your Name Here
9.) Chicago - Broadway 
10.) Taming of the Shrew – Frog and Peach
11.) Ivanov – Classic Stage
12.) Peter & the Starcatcher - Broadway 
13.) The Heiress - Broadway 
14.) Hamlet - Wooster Group 
15.) Giant – The Public
16.) King Lear – American Bard Theater Co.
17.) Company – The Gallery Players
18.) Who’s afraid of Virgina Wolf - Broadway 
19.) Figaro - The Pearl 
20.) Dead Accounts - Broadway 
21.) Golden Boy - Broadway

My favorite? #11 (not only of this trip but my favorite straight play I've ever seen).
Close behind are #4, #18, #13.

The classes
Shakespeare with Seth Barrish of The Barrow Group 
Red Bull Classical Theater Workshop
with Liz Smith, Matt Rauch & artistic director Jesse Berger 
Neutral Mask Workshop at the Movement Theater Studio NYC
taught by Adrienne Kapstein 
Actors Movement Studio with Janice Orlandi 

The story
NYC 14
NYC 13
NYC 12
NYC 11
NYC 10
NYC 7  
NYC 4 
NYC 3 
NYC Bound once again

Dec 26, 2012

Speak a new language

Speak a new language 
so that the world 
will be 
a new world 


April, June, December
Metamorphosis, Shed a skin

Just a little over six months in between
Grow, Rebirth

...2012 fades away, the evolution of a contained 365 days complete,
and a new year is being born...

Join me: Instagram 

Deena Marie 


Dec 24, 2012

What's in a name?

This blog has grown and evolved over the years and a new name was needed.
BeanerLarue is no longer the title for this place...

Everything that has come before remains.
Thank you for being here for the ride so far!
Let's see where the future takes these words.

New mediums are planned for my words in the new year...
each moment has been a stepping stone for me to realize
that at my core I've always been and always will be...

a Shapeshifting Poet.

I will sing my words, dance them, act them, write them, speak them.
I will continue to give them to you, in all my forms.

I was once called a Walking Poem.  
Needless to say, no compliment or description of me ever has 
or ever could match that.

Deena Marie

Dec 23, 2012

Sweetwater by Javen Tanner


It has taken me a long time to get here. The circumstances are less than ideal: a believer in the age of reason.
I have driven from New York. Filthy and bloodshot,

I begin to cry before I even reach the bank. A bluebird dips in front of me and laughs, and I scold myself
for immediately turning him into my heart.

When I was a child I heard the story of a man who walked a thousand miles. He crossed the Mississippi, the Missouri, and others.

But when he came to this river––this small river–– exhausted and starving, the thought of crossing broke his will, and he sat on the bank and wept.

The Sweetwater got its name because of its potability in contrast with the many alkaline water sources along the Oregon Trail in Wyoming.

There are stories of travelers beating their animals away from poisonous waters, trying to keep them alive until they reached the Sweetwater.

It has taken me a long time to get here.
Beaten from other waters, I want to drink;
I want to cross. Instead, I kneel and throw my sobs up

where they mix with the bluebird’s song,
where my weeping joins the weeping of generations, saying: we follow the heart no matter how unreasonable

the journey. And for each of us there comes a time when we cannot cross the water, no matter how sweet the destination. But the heart flies over.

––Javen Tanner 

Sting & Honey  

Dec 21, 2012

Take these with you...

Winter Solstice.

The world did not end.  The days will now get longer.  The light will start to come.

Into the new beginning I take the following:

1.) Dwell lightly in the body

2.) Respond to every call that excites your spirit

3.) I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.

Tweet: @DeenaMarie

Dec 18, 2012

Children by Khalil Gibran


Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts.

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;

For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable. 

Khalil Gibran 

Dec 17, 2012

Make Room

I planned to do some kind of year in review blog, but I'm not sure how to approach that one this time.  I was a word alchemist this year more than ever.  At least publicly.  I translated my guts to the page time and time again.  Many of those times I felt as though something else was speaking through me.  How do I fit eternity into one post by a certain date? What I can best say about my journey of 2012 has already been said.  By Rumi, of course.

“Sorrow prepares you for joy. It violently sweeps everything out of your house, so that new joy can find space to enter. It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart, so that fresh, green leaves can grow in their place. It pulls up the rotten roots, so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow. Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart, far better things will take their place.”

That says it all, but here's my attempt at a bit more:

This was the year.
This was the year I saw death.
It racked my bones and broke them to dust.

I said goodbye.  Loss ran rampant over me more times than you'd believe,
even if I told you about each and every one of them, The Losses.
At times so big, so shatteringly big, I am in awe of my survival.

My heart broke.
Again.  And again.  And again.  Ba boom! 
I got a new tattoo.
I am.  I am.  I am.  Ba boom! 
It was the worst summer of my life.
It was the summer of animals.
It was the summer of running.  Anything to keep moving.

This was the year my limits were lifted.
I saw my confinements clearly.  The invisible labels and restraints only I had placed.
I saw them lift.  Like a shutter, up they snapped and dissipated.
The one great gift death and death alone can bring.
There he laid, there I sat.  There they went. 
This was the year I saw with my own eyes we are not our physical bodies.
I am not my weight, my height, my hair, my age.
I am all, and all is me, and always has been, and always will be.  
I am enough, and you are, too.  You are another me, I am another you.

This was the year of the soul.
The only thing I'm now sure of.
My eyes deceive me, my body betrays me, but my soul...
My soul has never led me astray.
I was let out, I transcended.  I saw heaven.

Psychosomatic as it may be,
I experienced my Uncle's sickness for months when he left.
My heart hurt and my hands went numb for my Grandpa when he was gone.
My imagined fear let out, I went on a six week artistic sabbatical.
I gathered up all I could to add to my Big Life.
To expand myself and bring it back to keep.

This was the year of The Winter's Tale.  A sad tale was best for winter.
Hermione found me and gave me the ultimate healing,
and Shakespeares words patched me back together.

Death came a second time.  Nobody told me how greedy Death is. 
The rug pulled out from under me and all my comfort shattered once again.
I spiraled in when it should have been out (but deep down this time I knew better),
and so I saved myself one sunday night.
Promising myself that even though people always leave me on the weekend,
Monday I can chose to come back to life and throw myself even deeper into the opposite of fear.

I will chose.
I will chose to give my moments Meaningful Shape.
I choose the better story.

I will respond to you, soul.  To the call from the stars.
To the Athena's before me, and Comsic Alchemists who follow,
I will pave your way with a golden story in which you'll remember you're not alone.
You've been here before, and will be again.

There is only hope.
There is only forward.
And I am free.

Tweet me: @DeenaMarie

Dec 16, 2012

Music of the Spheres

I'm a word collector.

Snippets that resonate with me stick to me.  They may be from a book, a song, a movie, a play, or someone I talk to.  They add up to what I've called before, The Library of Me.  They shape me.  They guide me.  I draw on them for inspiration, and many times they bubble up and announce themselves.  They reread themselves to me in a loud internal voice.  They come to me to tell me things.

I've been home from New York for nearly a month now.  One of the plays I saw early on was a production of Pericles.  I'd never read or seen it.  It just so happened I was considering a scene from it for my Shakespeare course at the same time.  I remember something catching my eye, "Music of the Spheres" and seeing the definition.  The music of the Universe.  Music we can't actually hear.  I wanted to know more.

I forgot about it.

Until the last few days it came knocking.

I couldn't remember exactly what it was I read or what character said it.  A few nights ago I finally found it.  It was Pericles himself.

In reading about The Music of the Spheres, or Musica Universalis, I came across a beautiful blog:
Tango Therapist: Tango and the Music of the Spheres 

I don't know why it's on my mind or what it's trying to tell me.  I'll keep reading.  I'll let you know.

Today I stumbled upon this TED talk.  It left me wiping away tears and getting the chills like crazy:

Dec 14, 2012

Reassembled: The Sum of my Parts

Dismembered, I ached.  
The year had left me weary.  
Smashed down to my atoms, I managed to hang on.
I hung tight and sat still.  Even when the wind blew.  
At times I was injured, damaged inside out. 
But when the ground froze and all was nearly lost, 
I decided now was the time for going again.  
A new sum of my havoc wrecked parts.  
Reassembled, I have a head start for when the earth thaws out once more.  

tweet: @DeenaMarie
And/or Facebook

Dec 7, 2012

The Russian Cosmonaut

I've been thinking of the story of the Russian Cosmonaut a lot lately.

I'm working on changing my thoughts.
On moving forward.
On the never ending journey of "accept & allow".

The Russian Cosmonaut Story from one of my favorite movies, "Another Earth" here

I'm working on letting things I want to fight against fuel me instead.
Change me, transform me.

Dec 3, 2012


Want to know what color your Aura is?

Take the quiz on Pamala Oslie's Life Colors City website!
I love stuff like this.  I definitely see aspects that are right on in each of the three I am.
Violet, Crystal, Green.

Glad I happened to catch her on Ricki Lake today!


Violets are the inspirational visionaries, leaders and teachers who are here to help save the planet. Most Violets feel drawn to educate the masses, to inspire higher ideals, to improve the quality of life on the planet, or to help save people, animals and the environment.

All Violets have an inner sense that they are here to do something important, that their destiny is greater than that of the average person. Most Violets have felt this way since childhood. As children, many Violets imagined becoming famous, or traveling the planet, possibly joining humanitarian causes such the Peace Corp. Many of these charismatic personalities take on roles as leaders and teachers, while other Violets prefer to reach people through music, film or other art form.

Because this era is currently the "Violet Age," any Violets who are not accomplishing what they came here to do are experiencing an inner “push” — even an inner “earthquake.” Inner forces seem to be shaking them up and pushing them to move into action, to fulfill their life purpose. Violets know they are here to do something significant. However, they aren't always sure what that something is or how to accomplish it.

Many Violets were taught as children that their dreams and aspirations were unrealistic, so they have lost touch with their original visions. It's important for Violets to reconnect with their life purpose and vision, and to take action. Otherwise they will always feel unfulfilled. They will always sense something is missing from their lives. Violets need to learn to slow down long enough to listen to their inner voice and to connect with their higher vision.


Crystal is a rare Life Color. Crystals have clear auras and are known as the "aura chameleons." Like chameleons, their auras will change colors to match those of the people they are connecting with at the time. They then take on the characteristics, behavior patterns, emotions and thoughts of that color.

Consequently, in power Crystals can get along quite well with almost anyone. Yellows , for example, feels they can relate to Crystals who, when they are with them, act and think like Yellows . Later, when the same Crystals spend time with Sensitive Tans, the Tans can feel as if they have found kindred spirits.

However, the Crystals' inconsistencies can also confuse people. One minute Crystals think and behave like Greens . A short while later, they can act like Blues . The more they connect and bond with others, the more their personalities change.

Because Crystals tend to absorb the colors of other people's auras, people can, at times, feel an energy drain when they are in the presence of Crystals. In power, Crystals can be a clear conduit or channel for healing energy. Being natural healers, the Crystals' gift is to help their clients clear blockages, thereby enabling the clients' own natural healing processes to take place.

While healing, balanced Crystals are able to keep their thoughts and emotions out of the way, making the healing more pure. Crystals do not always understand their healing abilities. It can often frighten and confuse them or cause them to feel overwhelmed. These rare souls are often physically fragile and delicate.

Because of their unusual sensitivity, they can only heal one person at a time. They then need to go to a peaceful place to cleanse their aura. Working with too many people can short-circuit their system.


Greens are some of the most powerful and intelligent people in the aura spectrum. Greens are extremely bright. They process information and ideas quickly; jumping from steps one to ten. They do not like dealing with all the steps and details in between.

A project that is too detailed is tedious and boring for Greens . They prefer to develop an idea, organize a plan, and then delegate someone else to take care of the details.

Greens are very drawn to money, power, and business. These quick-thinkers are very organized and efficient. They write lists and efficiently check off the items on the list as they are completed. Greens recognize patterns and discover solutions very quickly.

When Greens are in their power, they can accomplish anything. They love to set goals and are determined to achieve them. Greens are “movers and shakers” when it comes to taking action. They are also typically the workaholics on the planet.

Greens are highly competitive and enjoy challenges. They thrive on taking risks. Gambling is common for Greens , especially if there is a potential for large winnings.

Being strong-willed, these powerful personalities are determined to have their own way, which they usually feel is the right way. A person is rarely able to win an argument with Greens.