Six minutes.

I am running from my front door to get my car, which is at a lot at the end of the road.
I will time it.  It will take six minutes.
In six minutes I will try to discover the secrets of the universe.

I start with remembering the Summer of Sad.  2012.
I always seem to find myself there at times like this.  In the in between.
How I can't do anything I used to before, or during, the Summer of Sad.
The association, you see.  This is the first time I've run outside since that summer.
Back when all I did was run outside.  Anything to keep moving.
This makes me sad.

Everything has changed, I'm a far cry from where I was.
Life is rich.  But I'm doing what I did then.
This running.  Outside.
Sumer of sad.  Sad, sad summer.

I am seized.  I almost slow down, but instead I pick up the pace.
If only you could know that summer.  Then you'd understand.
Why nothing could remain the same.
Why I tumbled inside and out until I was new.

It's sunny.  It's getting warm.
This makes me sad.
I'm sad because I'm so happy.
I have the realization that I'm always in a state of perpetual heartbreak.
Who would I be, without my undercurrent of melancholia?
The haunting nostalgia that so few get to see?
It must comfort me.  It must be familiar.
I know longer worry I'm the strangest person on the earth.
The only one who feels too deeply for her own good.
I'm proud to know my lineage of archetypes, and that the line of me
goes both backward and forward, endlessly...éternel retour.

I want to cry because I used to be so sad, because I overcame it,
because I'm so deeply in love, because my life is so incredibly good, because I don't get to keep it, because I'll die one day, because I can't imagine my parents getting old, because I never want to be alive without the people I love here with me, because I don't ever want to part from the love of my life, because I want us all to leave the earth in hundreds of years from now, painlessly, at the exact same second.

Because it is all so, so painfully beautiful.

I think about eyes.  Two tiny eyes to be shown the entire world with.
What I would do if I suddenly couldn't see.
How despite not hearing music anymore, I think I'd rather not hear.
Blocking out the noise of the world is something I suddenly feel I could do,
but if I didn't have my eyes…

I think about my love.  Again and again I return to my love.
Soul partner, sent to me.  The only one.  My everything.
Words cheapen here.  I haven't discovered the right words yet.
It hurts.  My love is constantly on the verge of spilling out of me at any given moment.
I am so full of love inside.  Swollen.  It's sometimes too much to bear.
I'm positive I will explode.

I play the game of back and forth between the present, and Sad Summer.
I wonder what the future will hold, and if I'll ever be that sad again.
I wonder if I'll always be this happy.
What could be worse? What could be better?
I am seized.  I almost slow down, but instead I keep running...

New Year Surprise!

You guys.
This is still a work in progress, but I'm impatient.
So here you go!

THIS!  

Thanks for reading,

Deena Marie

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Welcome to a new year, a fresh start, a clean slate.
I feel like I've just hatched from an egg!
Things feel better already, don't they?

"Begin today. Declare out loud to the universe that you are willing to let go of struggle and eager to learn through joy." 

I'm finally using the Instagram I started (one year ago today) regularly.
I've posted several pics from last nights New Years Eve celebration.  That was the first NYE in years I've spent with my family rather than friends.  Tradition is important, but so is NEW.  So we combined the two.  We made reservations at our favorite New Years restaurant, the same one we've been to for years, only this time with the family.  Then came back to our house.  It was perfect.

The state I was in coming out of / entering a new year last year was toxic.  This year is completely opposite.  I've realized now that if your rebirth is in chaos and negativity you set yourself right up for a downward spiral.

Today I was born in lightness.  In air.  In happiness.


I wrote one last blurb of the year on my facebook yesterday:

An ending & a beginning: If you know me or follow my blog, then you know that 2012 was the worst year of my life. I am so glad that in a matter of hours 2012 will no longer exist, and that I made it through! There really is no way out, but through. I came out transformed. It was my 365 day crash course in life's hardest lessons. It was the year of loss and impossible goodbyes, but also the year of the soul. I found lessons in everything and grew more in a short time than I would have thought possible. It was the start of a major transformation and rebirth. I leap into the new year a new person. Nice to meet you, universe. 2013 is my time to dig deeper into the unexplored parts of myself that I've left waiting. It's time to fuel my spiritual scientist. It's the year to create, in all ways. To express in new mediums. To share my words further, and to learn all I can. To follow the lead each time my heart pulls me toward something. To remember I am responsible for my own happiness and happiness is something I can chose each new day. I am so grateful to embark with my family connected to each other. 

Goodbye. Hello. Forward...forward now. ♥