Neither here nor there

You know the space between sleep and awake? The hazy and mystical place where new ideas flow freely, and revelations are had? Where you are neither here nor there, but existing somewhere other than this plane? Where dreaming and reality meet? You know how sometimes it's a little more revelatory than others? Me too.

I had one of these visions/experiences the other night. My dad recently sent me the above photos. They speak to me so strongly as familiar and right and me, and only now when I thought to post them did I realize how closely they resemble to what I saw and felt the other day/night.

I was in and out. I was deeply aware of a stillness through the universe. A vastness, a beautiful darkness. All was quiet, calm, peaceful, and so still. All existing as it always had and always will. No time. There is no time. There is no clock, no need nor way to mark a date, or an hour, or the minute.

All was one, breathing together, and time felt suspended and infinite.

I was comforted, remembering that I'm part of that. The most natural thing in the world. Home. I could see the planets through a purple and blue and feel myself around them, and everywhere, for I was (am) part of everything.

It's one of those things you can't quite experience the same when fully conscious, no matter how hard you try. It's fleeting, but so real. So deep. A reminder, a re-awakening, a comfort sent your way. Letting you know that you know more than you think, to believe, and to trust.

For a brief moment, I was let out. Of my physical body, out of this world, out of time. Back to my origins. Back to my home. It's so beautiful there.

In the neither here nor there I've seen heaven. I wrote about it a couple of years ago. After Chuck died, I saw it. It is gold and grand and moves slowly.

In the neither here nor there I've seen my Grandpa and Chuck. They were young, they were happy, they were playing with a baby in a meadow. The grass was so green, the sun was shining, it was warm although they both wore jackets. They had huge smiles on their faces as they spun him around. This little blonde boy.

In the neither here nor there, the same night I was released to the cosmos for awhile, I also felt my future baby. My daughter? All around me. She is there. She is near me. It will soon be time. We're connected already.

A few nights ago my mom had a dream Chuck was teaching me a dance on a stage. He was around 30. He was in a tuxedo. He looked great. As he taught me, others gathered behind us. I think I'm supposed to share a message of his.

A few nights after that, she had another dream that Chuck was buckling a little baby girl into a car seat. She was wearing a dress. All I know, is they are together. She is in good hands. And she will soon be on her way.

She is waiting, watching over me. He'll send her when we're ready.

She knows best.


Thanks for reading,

Deena Marie

xo

A snippet.

I am about fifteen.
I've recently met a boy.
He has blonde hair.
We have gone out a few times.
He has come to my house.
We have modeled together.  We have roller skated together.
One night, something happens.  Some sort of argument.
I couldn't tell you what it's about.
But, as quickly as we began, we are over.
I am on my way home, it's night.  A friend is dropping me off.
As we make the turn onto my street, the unexpected happens.
There, in my driveway, is his car.
The old white one with rust spots everywhere.
He's standing, leaning against the outside.
Peeking out from under that blonde hair.
We have a conversation and make amends.  Something about him not wanting to lose me, how he felt the first time he saw me when we modeled.
Some apology.

But.  Someone told me this.  I only remember him.  As in I remember who he was, his name, and what he looked like.  I remember the way he looked, leaning against the car, waiting for me.  Like something out of a movie.  I think I remember kisses one night on a dance floor.  And getting in trouble for it.  But as for the rest of it, the details, I'm at a loss.  I only know about this particular night because my grandparents told me.  You see, right above the driveway was their bedroom.  And they overheard it all.  Two fickle teenagers breaking up and making up.

Not so long ago when my Grandma told me the story, her face lit up and she laughed throughout.  She even quoted him.  "When I saw you, I knew you were special."  I'm sure both of my grandparents got a kick out of it.  I'm sure the two of them fell asleep with smiles on their faces that night.  I can picture it.  I can still smell their bedroom.  My beloved childhood home that has never stopped haunting my dreams.

I was struck by this the other day, out of nowhere.  Struck with the thought that the two of them seemed to know this memory of mine better than I do. And now, there is only one.  My Grandma.  One day she too will be gone, and nobody will know this anymore.  A witnessed memory.  A story about me.  The ones who could tell it best will no longer be.

How strange.  They are the possessors of this tiny slice of my life.  Maybe it seems so big because it's the only one I know of for certain.  The only memory like this truly belonging to someone else.  Something I should remember, but don't.  Perhaps there are others.  Other nights under the window.  Other boys. More stolen moments.  Maybe some take place outside the front door, next to my moms window.

What other snippets are out there, known better by another than by me?
And what happens if I don't remember?
And if they never tell me?

Two people know a memory of mine better than I do.  And now, there is only one.  My Grandma.  One day she too will be gone, and nobody will know this anymore.  


Thanks for reading,

Deena Marie

Eternity in a decade.

I am leaving New York.  I'm laying on the couch of a Brooklyn apartment in pink pajama bottoms and a pink tank top and I am sure I'm going to die.  I will die of a broken heart right here.  Tomorrow when I leave, I will look my best.  I will pick myself up and do my hair and my makeup and I will singlehandedly lug these bursting-at-the-seams suitcases home.  I'll have a giant bruise to show for it on my thigh from where one of my bags will keep hitting me.  At the time, I won't notice the pain.  When the young man at the airport asks to help me and I say yes, I won't think that there is a tip involved.  And when he won't leave until I find my money I'll snap at him.  Can't he see the world as I know it just ended?

My life is over.

But little do I know, I'm only at the beginning.

Funny, isn't it? How looking back everything has fallen so perfectly into place? Yes, even the times you were certain all was lost, and you'd never survive.  As if the universe designed earth specifically for you.  Here is your planet, and your path is laid out.  It is designed to protect you.  In the times your heart shatters, it's because it needs to heal differently, bigger than before, with new knowledge that you needed.  But it's up to you to learn, and grow and listen.  To tune in and hear your truth.

I'm amazed how eternity can be crammed into one decade.  I've been so many people.  Who else will I be? At least now I can trust the process.  No fear.

You can only tune in when the time is right.  I couldn't have told the girl laying on the couch in the pink pajamas just how okay it would be.  That her big dreams will play out, what it will feel like to hold her puppy, that the best day of her life will be when she marries the man of her dreams in the mountains.  There will be a hard battle of fighting to be in the same place at the same time, emotionally, and physically.  But there will be love.  Every heartache will be worth it when she finally lands on this love.

I truly can't imagine what I might tell myself in another decade.  What will she say to to the girl who's sitting at her kitchen table typing on her laptop this December 2014, with a pup on her lap and a husband by her side, approaching their first Christmas married?

What eternities are in store?

I hope to remember heart shattering is survivable, and inevitable.  And okay.  And needed.  And the ebbs and flows are constant.  And to keep going, and growing, and tuning deeper into truth.  That life will be a constant experiment in feeling too much, and feeling nothing at all.  That you should sink fully into whatever the day calls for.

I feel both suspension, and forward motion.  A strange mix of being in the present, and looking ahead.

This is where the universe has me placed today, in time, for a needed reason on this blue planet.

And everything is okay.


Deena Marie

I think, therefore...

I'm on the freeway and I'm taking a minute to think about the magnitude of the universe.  I see it in my minds eye.  I start with my center of awareness and expand from there.  I see the pale blue dot called Earth.  I see how tiny it is.  I try in vain to keep expanding my view.  I know (although I don't really know) it's too big to every honestly comprehend.

I consciously like to remind myself daily of how big the scale is.  How small we are.  I like to remind myself of the fluke that we are.  That we still have a long way to go.  We've only gotten started.  This never fails to reset me.  It calms and comforts me.  I accept my place in time and all is bearable.  Dare I say, good.

I also think about something that's been in my head the last few days, and that's wondering why I experience my consciousness and awareness from the point of view of what those on earth know as Deena Marie.  This body.  This particular time in the history of the world.  This life.  Why this? Is it random? Or is it perfectly matched?

I think about how a man and a woman can create a human life, and how that means suddenly a new consciousness comes spinning into being.  Bam.  Just like that.  This leads me to struggle to remember the exact Rumi quote, "we come spinning out of nothingness, scattering stars like dust."  

I then realize it's not even 10 am and this is what I've spent my first few hours thinking about on a monday morning.  Then I think about the Frida Kahlo quote, "I used to think I was the strangest person in the world.  But then I thought, there are so many people in the world, there must be someone just like me who feels bizarre and flawed int he same ways I do.  I would imagine her, and imagine that she must be out there thinking of me too.  Well, I hope that if you are out there and read this and know that, yes, it's true I'm here, and I'm just as strange as you."

I'm suddenly inspired to keep track of my thoughts through the day and decide to ask my friend JayC to do the same, and put it in a blog that we could both post tomorrow.  I think he'll dig the idea, I think it'll make a great joint post and I guess that he's probably already had a million ideas, deep thoughts, or profound moments this morning as well.

It's been coming and going for the last few days.  My suddenly remembering I'm driving a personalized car with not only my name on it, but three cartoon faces of me, and a unicorn.  I'm struck with the words, "this is my lot in life."  I find this so funny.  My life has always thrown me unexpected and strange turns.  Who gets to do these kinds of things? I do.  Why? Who knows.  But I'll take it.  It fits.

I get into the building where I've been headed and it's cold.  I start thinking about how soon it will be fall.  How last summer was the worst of my life and while this one has certainly come with it's share of surprises and transitions, it's also been the best in many ways.  A dream come true.  How I only have August now and that's it.  Done.  I'm already starting to mourn the sun and this summer and prepare for the nostalgia and melancholia that only fall can bring me.  But I don't want to.  I don't want to rush it.  I don't mean to rush.

This reminds me of being a little girl and discovering for myself the concept that as soon as we're born we start to die.  Sure I'm growing up, growing older, but I'm dying every day.  This didn't make me sad, it just made sense, and I didn't understand why people didn't like to teach this or to think of life that way.

Despite the dying and the rushing, I never have nor will I ever consider myself a pessimist.  It's just that I want more of everything, always.  I am better at being in the moment nowadays more often than not, but I just want more...time.  That's what it is.  More time to savor.  I want to savor.

I'm aware I'm thinking poetically again and I like that.  I'm getting back to the me that I am at the core, when I'm not covered up by too much of the goings on around me.  I'm settling in once again after another storm of change that kept me swept up over the last few months.

I think about how open I am now.  How if last year hadn't cracked me open and rebuilt me, I wouldn't be who I am today to receive what I'm being given and know how to deal with it.  The dark and light.  I've been braver than I ever thought possible and I feel the difference in what I'm doing now.  It's living.

I'm not existing, I am living.

Manifestation.  That word keeps bubbling up.  I'm contemplating.  Thinking that the old cliche, "be careful what you wish for" is absolutely true.  It may look different.  It may not come at the moment you think it should, but if you manifest it, get ready to live it.

I also think about manifestation in another way.  How holding too much in for too long, and never letting it out manifests itself physically.  Months of anxiety attacks, dizzy spells and feeling at times like I was losing my mind are finally behind me.  Be careful.  It's okay to let it out.  And follow your heart.  Listen, listen, listen.  Hear that voice? You can follow it.  I swear to god.  You can.

An F. Scott Fitzgerald quote comes up, "there are all kinds of love in this world, but never the same love twice."  Each love I've experienced brings out a different version of me.  It molds me ever so gently.  It is a delicate difference.  It turns me up in some areas, and turns me down in others.  I love differently each time.  I am so different as I awaken.  I am better at love as time goes on.  At loving.  At being loved.  At recognizing the right, or best, love for me.

That evening I find myself at a read through.  How strange it seems to me that I get to do this.  That this is what fuels me in this life.  That when I leave, I leave happier, having been surrounded by creative folk I very much admire in this community.  How smart they are, I think.  How lucky I am, I think.

Later, it hits me that the key to my feeling happier overall has to do with the word yes.  Over the last few months the yeses have replaced the nos.  It's been so slight it took a minute for me to see it.

Delicate differences.  Molding me ever so gently.  I tune into my truth a little more each day.  I am getting better at this life thing as time goes on.

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Ford Fiesta Movement 

Thanks for reading,

Deena Marie

The Meteor

Right now a meteor is passing above us.
Above you, above me.
Above the blue planet everyone you have ever known or heard of dwells.

Can you feel it? 
Can you feel the stir of the cosmos?

I long to see past the sky beyond the blue and into the infinite
I try to imagine the rush, the sound, the look, the spinning, even the smell

Ancestor in motion,
I wish I could meet you.

Shed a skin. Reconnect. Grow.

Time.  Life.  Evolve.  Live.  Transform.  Shed a skin.  Transition.  Rebirth.  Reconnect.  Reflect.  Find yourself in every moment.  Embrace change.  Each stage.  Life keeps marching on.  Forward is the only choice.  No fear.  Free.  Grow.  One year.

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