Oct 20, 2011

"What you seek is seeking you"

"What you seek is seeking you" - RUMI

The following is copied and pasted from:

What are your thoughts? Agree? Disagree? Personal experiences?

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What You Are Seeking is Also Seeking You

Stop searching. Stop trying.

What you are seeking is seeking you. If what you are seeking is in alignment with who you are and what you truly desire (versus what you think you "should" be after in life), the universe will align itself in service to what you want.

So what does this mean?

1) You can stop the pain staking struggle to "get it right". The illusion that something is "out there" that you need to get or find keeps you in a state of scarcity. With scarcity, there is the idea that something may not happen. You may not find the answer. You may miss the golden opportunity. This is a story. And the story is fed by the very notion that you have to seek something out.

2) The universe wants you to succeed. That's right! If what you are seeking is also seeking you, it's safe to say that things are lined up in service to making what you want happen.
Welcome this paradigm. The universe actually is designed to help you create what you want because it rejoices in your joy and abundance! Joy and health are your birthright.

3) You already are in alignment. Because you are another expression of the life force that the universe is comprised of, you are naturally connected to the very essence of the life giving source. Actually, you are the life giving source. As such, you are meant to succeed. As such, you are already connected to that which will enable you to know what you desire. You don't need to try, you just need to allow yourself to become what is true for you and receive. You need to realize this truth and then act as if so that you let that which you are seeking come to you. It wants to. Let it!

So what can you do instead of searching and trying?

1) Relax.
2) Trust.
3) Affirm.
4) Open.
5) Recieve.

Oct 16, 2011


Oh my goodness I was on such a roll with "My New York Diaries" and then rehearsals began. When I'm rehearsing my brain is completely full. I'll get back to them when I can.

Week #2 of rehearsals complete! Halfway. Got the flu. Ick. Cancelled all weekend plans to stay in and rest up.

Joined Pinterest. IN LOVE. I have gathered quite the collection of photos over the last couple of years and it's the perfect place to have them all uploaded, organized and not cluttering up my desktop.


Join me! I've got great boards such as: Dreamboats, The Army I'm building, Creepies & Cuties, My Entourage, Sweetie Treaties and a zillion others.


Tweet me: @DeenaMarie

Oct 5, 2011

Dead...but not dead.

"Undead. Dead...but not dead."

by one of my favorite artists, Natalie Shau

I've started rehearsals for my next play, today is day three. This play is so layered, so rich. Really beautiful. Yesterday a line jumped out at me and I've been pondering it since. In a nutshell, the play takes place over one afternoon/evening where a family is getting ready to throw a party for their grandma and they speculate if the father the two adult children haven't seen in twenty years will be there. I play the wife to the son. In a series of scenes that are both real time as well as fantasies, we get many different glimpses into the versions of their father as they imagine him to be now and what it would be like to confront/rekindle/ask their questions/tell him how they feel.

In one scene he is imagined in a vampire costume and when asked if he's dead he replies, "undead. Dead but not dead." When this line was discussed there were so many meanings and all seemed very much correct. He's in the vampire getup to be imagined as looking foolish/because he's sucked the life out of the family/because he's had the life sucked out of him/etc. There was much more but I can't remember them all. What struck me, was the fact that I'd literally just described losing a person (and not because they've actually died) in your life as a death.

Obviously as I've been writing my "New York Diaries" I've had a lot resurface through the last few months. I've slowly begun to learn more about why I was attached to people I was attached to, what role September 11th played, what has changed over the last decade and surprisingly what hasn't changed. I consider blogging about it the bare bones, the timeline. Expanding it into a book will be a different beast. But right now what I can say is that obviously it was the time of greatest impact...yet it's a time I'm so far away from. When I write it, I feel as though I'm living two timelines at once. They're almost happening to me simultaneously, viscerally, yet I can't go back to those places or talk to so many of those people.

It's almost a mind fuck as I work on the NY Diaries project. I know they're out there, they're just no longer a part of my life. I can only speculate what life is for them now. I can remember, I can romanticize but I can't pick up a phone or send a message or bump into them on the street. So very much as the characters do in this particular play, I can only imagine my versions of those I once knew, and what it would be like to run into them now.

It's like some of those people who seem so alive in my story are the undead. They're dead but not dead. They can't be here, but they're out there. Very much alive, but not able to be...or maybe even meant to be in my life. Bitter sweet. Life is so funny. It's amazing that whatever you're going through at any given moment will shape both what you hear and the way you interpret.

Tweet me @DeenaMarie

Oct 2, 2011

Natalie Dee. You're welcome.

So funny. Thanks to my friend Nell who introduced her to me at the beginning of the year. If you haven't seen her comics before, I suggest you take a look: nataliedee.com

Oct 1, 2011

My New York Diaries - Part 31

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

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My birthday was just around the corner. The Guy got me a present, two great seats to a play starring famous actors, including Willem Dafoe. I thought that was all kinds of cool, until he told me he couldn't go with me and I'd be going with his brother Sean. I loved Sean and actually went to a few shows with just him, but it was my birthday present and The Guy wasn't even going? There was always a catch. I don't know if I was getting used to it or didn't want to scare him again so I didn't make an issue of it. I was happy to get something.

The play turned out to be awesome and I loved getting to see Willem that close and personal. He wore a loincloth the entire play and I don't think I'd ever seen someone in that kind of shape before. His body was unreal. He was skinny, but ripped. Not one ounce of fat on that guy.

Taking tickets was one of the girls from school. From way back in the beginning who I had once done a scene with. One that had lied about her age that first day when Tucker had us all say out loud how old we were. When I found out she'd lied by three years and had been offended I couldn't believe it. I hadn't known about the whole actor/age thing yet. She'd since left school and as I saw her from across the theatre I wondered why she had ended up behind the scenes, and if she was happy.

Jack and Julie arrived in NYC. They came straight to school to meet me. We'd planned that Julie would be staying with me and Jack would stay at Jennys. I was surreal to have them there. I'd actually been to NYC with Jack before as a senior trip right after graduation. He was swindled trying to buy a fake ID, all his money was taken and he was left ID-less. It's always an adventure with him and I couldn't wait to see what was going to happen this time.

This was one time in my life I was proud of my age, actor or not. The bar I chose for us to celebrate at was the place to be and be seen. I was holding off on going there because I was sure they wouldn't overlook me "forgetting my ID" or crying until I got in. They'd definitely ID me and I was so excited about it.

I headed over with Jack, Julie and Jenny. Lynne and The Guy would be meeting us later. I walked up to the bar...and walked right in. The one time I wanted to get carded, and nothing! Despite feeling like I'd missed a right of passage, I was determined to have a great night. We had dinner upstairs and them moved downstairs for drinks. Jack kept ordering midori sours and every time he'd come back to our group and set one down, he'd turn to talk to some other people we'd just randomly met. Julie and I would then drink his drink and when he turned around we'd blame it on someone else. It went on for awhile and we thought we were so funny. And sneaky.

Lynne came. The Guy came. I think Sean stopped by. The Guy had just come from some kind of a performance, I don't remember what, but he looked handsome in a suit and tie. He met my friends and had a drink but was in a mellow mood and was going to be leaving soon. What? Leaving my party? I told him I wanted to go with him. And I did. I left poor Julie and Jack in the hands of Lynne and Jenny and took off.

At the time I was happy to do so. And thank goodness I had great friends who didn't mind. On both parts. To be left, or to take in those I'd left.

The next morning when my head was clearer I was worried and wondered where poor Julie'd ended up for the night. She'd spent the night at Lynne's and had gone to another bar where you can not only dance on the bar but you can give them your bra for their decoration. I'll never forget her telling me, in almost a whisper, "I donated my brassiere!"

Jenny and I had recently discovered a bar in the east village that had kind of become our new spot. We'd drink then walk right across the street into the burrito place at four am and eat the biggest burritos you've ever seen. Remember what I told you about this kind of diet doing nothing for the figure? Yeah.

But we loved this place and we took Jack and Julie there. I remember Jack brought up the Old Flame and was telling me things about him and his ex girlfriend that I didn't really want to hear. The girl that the Old Flame said had ripped his heart out. It weirded me out, I didn't want to know stories or details.

When I was at school, Jack and Julie would sight see and then we'd all meet back up. Jenny met us one day near school and we were all talking about where we'd be going next as we were getting on the subway. Right then, the doors closed with Jack and Julie still outside and Jenny and I on! It was right out of a movie. How had it happened that my two out of towners just got left? It was also really funny. Mostly because Jenny shrieked and put her hands up on the glass that looked like she was seeing them for the last time. Thank goodness they'd heard enough to know where to go, and we met them quickly.

New York seems so impossibly big, but I was learning all the time how small it really was. In fact, from the moment I'd set foot there I kept seeing people I knew. Once I even ran into a girl from high school in the middle of times square. She was vacationing and I was running out for ice cream, looking like a hot mess. It never fails. Those times when you run out not wanting to bump into anyone, you do. Even in times square. I would see many of the same people at auditions too.

One night Jack was at Jenny's and Julie and I were together. We went to a store so she could get a CD. This was a CD that reminded me of The Guy. We played it a lot and this was also a store we'd meet at regularly if we were going back to Brooklyn. We walked in, got her CD and ran right into, who else? The Guy. We ended up going to a bar I'd never been to before and having a great night. We danced on the bar and talked to all kinds of "new friends". It was the kind of night where you wake up the next morning, look at your pictures and wonder who these strangers are in them.

We went back to Brooklyn and I was pretty excited about taking Julie back to meet Ty. Julie was super cute and single. Ty was going to die. Except...he was out of town. The one time I have my available friend with me (Ty and Lynne were not exclusive). But at least this meant Julie would get to stay in his room and have a night in a bed to herself rather than squishing in with me on my futon.

Jack, Julie and I also shopped and Jack bought the infamous Jesus Christ Action Figure. We hopped on the subway and, lucky us, got into a car with a crazy person. A guy ranting and raving about something religious. Jack pulled out the action figure and held it up. The car was full and they all laughed and applauded. The ranter was actually completely silenced!

It was time for them to go. The way the flights worked they'd be going to LA and spending one night there before going back to SLC. And they'd be staying with the Old Flame. Of course.

Everything just kept connecting.

And also ending.

Endings of the most unexpected kinds and strange turns of events were, I was about to find out, going to happen over the next few months.

I just didn't know that I was already in those final months.

Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html
Part 22: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_20.html
Part 23: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-23.html
Part 24: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-24.html
Part 25: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-25.html
Part 26: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-26.html
Part 27: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-27.html
Part 28: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-28.html
Part 29: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-29.html
Part 30: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-30.html