Dec 31, 2011

2011 Year in Review

Another year has gone! I'm going to break this one into two parts, career and personal.

CAREER
The beginning of 2011 was "The Persian Quarter". This one ended up being quite the journey for me. It was one of my favorite theatrical experiences and it will be hard to top the place this one has in my heart. It began with a staged reading the year before, to the world premiere at Salt Lake Acting Company to being asked if I'd be interested in auditioning for the next production at Merrimack Rep. I found myself in New York at the callback this summer, and while that would be the end of my journey, I loved, appreciated and learned from every moment of all of it.


I was in a national magazine, and got to see it on opening day of "The Persian Quarter". How cool was that timing?


I modeled for Black Chandelier quite a bit this year, including a photo shoot for the website, a shoot to promote a runway show that took place in the summer, walking in the runway show in body paint and little else, and then a rooftop photo shoot with mannequins, boys, swords and daggers. It doesn't get cooler than that, people!


I modeled for OpieFoto (boudior) for the second time, this time it included a promo video that turned out beautifully.
http://opiefoto.com/boudoir/video

I walked in the SLC Fashion Stroll for designers Jordan Halversen and Danny Nappi and Misc Boutique.

I modeled for the cover of City Weekly for the first time.


I did my second SLAM with Plan-B theatre company and this one I especially enjoyed because I had such a hilarious piece written by Matthew Ivan Bennett.
It was so much fun that I wished there had been another opportunity to perform it. Or perhaps put this one on film in the future.


Had some great gigs through my agency, TMG.

Workshopped a couple projects with Plan - B.

Recorded a couple radio sketches with Matt Bennett and Jay Perry.

Did the Plan-B reading of "A Doll House"


Modeled Krista Nielson swimsuits in Fashion Night Out, runway at the Gallivan Center.




Modeled with my baby dog, Noodles for the upcoming Pinups for Pups calendar!

"A Man Enters". The world premiere of this play at SLAC went so well we even extended a week! I loved my cast and performing this piece, playing Dana who I liked to think of as a glamourous hippie.


I modeled for the cover of The Mix of the Salt Lake Tribune in beautiful dresses from Whimsy Boutique.






PERSONAL
The ten year anniversary of September 11th came this year, and I dealt with some feelings I'd been ignoring for quite some time. I also got to talk to one of my dearest friends who I rarely see anymore, but was with that night. I blogged it all.
http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html

I saw old friends who I don't see much of now because we no longer live close by or life just gets in the way of getting together. I made new friends who became surprisingly close. I also grew closer with existing friends who I found have the ability to make my very soul happy. These are the people to keep connected to.

I had one of my favorite Halloweens ever. And by Halloween you know I don't just mean the day itself, but a total of three huge celebrations. 'Tis the season!


This also happened to be my year that I began down a new path of spirituality. Synchronicity led me to discovering Shirley MacLaine, reading "I'm Over All That", "The Camino", "The Pilgrimage", "Sage-ing while Age-ing", and "Many Lives, Many Masters". My life has significantly changed and is continuing to. For the first time in my whole life I have a spiritual path with a name (I never thought I'd want that). I've never felt more comfort or wanted to learn more about what I've only just begun to discover.

I have my first item for my bucket list. To walk The Camino. While I didn't get to this year, I am not concerned. I now know that "it is a privilege to be called to The Camino" and I am certain I'll find myself on it exactly when I'm supposed to be.

I branched out physically. Instead of just zumba I incorporated the gym itself. I never knew how much I'd love weights and machines and how much I need working out, for every aspect. Mental, emotional, physical, etc. It's all tied together and if I miss a couple of days the difference is huge.

We all know I have had my hair every color and every length over the last, well, nearly 15 years. But this year I found my favorite shade of red to date and have felt most like myself. Thank you, Steven Robertson!


I went shampoo free and decided to wash my hair significantly less. It simply doesn't need it. It's been nearly a month and so far, so good!
http://simplemom.net/how-to-clean-your-hair-without-shampoo/

I changed my skincare routine the end of the year. Thanks to Amanda Mahoney for letting me borrow "The Skin Type Solution" by Leslie Baumann, MD I learned I was still doing things wrong for my particular skin. I have struggled for years. Two rounds of accutane were expensive and hard on me. I try very hard with my sensitive skin to make it look as good as possible. But you can imagine my surprise after taking this test to learn that the current over the counter products I was using were exactly the opposite of what I should be using? I learned about new products I didn't even know existed, ordered them, and guess what? So far, so good. My dry skin has never looked better! I strongly recommend giving this book a try.

I went to NYC twice this year! I saw "Spider-Man" twice, "War Horse", "Godspell", and "Venus in Fur". How one person could see such incredible theatre all in the same year is beyond me. I feel so lucky to have seen each one of these. Each one was absolutely stunning and fantastic for many different reasons and I leave so inspired I could burst. "Venus in Fur" is my dream role. I need to play Vanda. Not just want, it's a need.

I also got to meet Reeve Carney, my biggest celebrity crush. A boy in band, a rockstar, cast as Peter Parker in a "Spider-Man" musical on Broadway? And he looks like that? If I made up what my ideal celeb crush would be and described his appearance, you'd have Reeve. And guess what? He's super freaking nice.


There were also a few scary family moments this year. With my uncle and my grandma, both on my moms side. It was an eye opener and a reminder for how much family matters.


The biggest lessons I have earned this year:
1.) Things will happen and you will feel nothing like you expected. It will be completely different from what you've imagined it to be like in your head.
2.) That timing can be ironic and you'll feel it's completely unfair and impossible but that everything is unfolding exactly as it should.
3.) No matter how old you are you still need your momma and your daddy.
4.) It's about what you do have, not what you don't have.
5.) If not now, when? You are never ready for profound life changes. But you don't always get to decide when things are going to happen.
6.) I heard the words accept and allow for the first time. Really heard them. It's life changing. I don't always remember this, but I'm learning and applying.
7.) It's okay to feel exactly how you feel about something, anything.
8.) We really are all one.
9.) We decide how time passes. Allocate your time. Use it wisely. Be in charge of your time, don't let time control you.
10.) Don't be in a hurry. Throw out the checklist. Life is long. There is so much more to go.
11.) We create our own reality.

Here's to a new year, the unknown adventures and learning that await us all!

Tweet me @DeenaMarie

Dec 27, 2011

The Definition of Deena.

If you could look me up in the dictionary, this is what you'd find.

Deena, Noun :



Tweet me: @DeenaMarie

Dec 25, 2011

Christmas, 2011

Among my favorite gifts today were an iPod touch, a Dwight K. Schrute bobble head, a sweater I've been wanting from Urban Outfitters and a big candy unicorn horn. Last night's favorites were a Legend of Zelda bag and a canvas painting of my dog.

I love Christmas eve. It's fun and feels special and you know there is still more to come. Christmas morning is always a little cozy, a little magical and a little anticlimactic. Because when the day is over, then what? There's that awkward week in between leading up to New Years Eve then when January 1st hits it's back to real life and the cozy magical time is over and it's time to get back to work. And usually with a burst of extra vim and vigor. Christmas day begins the reflection for me, and I already start thinking of what I'd like to take with me into the New Year. I will write a lengthier blog wrapping up this year but for now there are a few things I'm going to be mulling over and trying to apply starting now and into 2012.








Tweet me: @DeenaMarie

Dec 11, 2011

True Calling

Saying yes to your true calling gives way to the power to bring your ultimate success to life. You no longer waste precious time and energy on things that are not of utmost importance to you. Rather, you awaken the wealth that lies within you and easily find ways to share your greatest gifts with the world!" ~ Marsh Engle

Dec 7, 2011

I cried at "Breaking Dawn" and I'm not ashamed!

I've said it before and I'll say it again. I'm either a teenage boy trapped in a chick's body or a gay man. A really fabulous gay man.

I don't cook.
I don't clean.
I don't decorate.
I don't make crafts.
I don't like kids (unless they're related to me or an offspring of a VERY close friend).
I like to shop by myself, super fast. Or order online.

Okay so it's looking more like teenage boy.

It doesn't even dawn on me to do things most girls do.
Not to mention...

I laugh at fart jokes.
I make too many fart jokes.
I think most chicks are crazy.
I have more dude friends than chick friends.
I love video games.
I love superheros.
I swear like a sailor.

But I do like coffee dates, lunch dates, fashion, dressing up, and Twilight.

Okay so now it's looking more like fabulous gay man.

The moral of this story is that a week or so ago I had one of those emotional reactions that only my fellow females will understand. I went to see "Breaking Dawn" and I cried pretty much through the whole thing as I ate my ice cream. Seriously. Only chicks will get this, when I ask what happened to Kristen Stewart? How was she actually so good in this one? She didn't twitch or fidget and she looked gorgeous. Girlfriend is growing up. It was totally Bella's movie. You could feel everything she felt. Her walk down the aisle. How nerve racking it is until you see your dude standing at the other end. The way she was looking at herself in the mirror before she finally got to knock the boots with Edward, the way she looked at herself after that milestone. I seriously liked it. I can't wait to go again.

And even though I'm not ashamed to admit how much I love Twilight, that even when it's so bad it's still good, you know I like to poke fun at...well...most everything. So here you go. My reenactment / summary of my Breaking Dawn experience in 2 minutes.

http://www.cityweekly.net/utah/article-357-15105-deena-marie-watching-breaking-dawn.html




Tweet me: @DeenaMarie
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/TheDeenaShow

Nov 29, 2011

My New York Diaries - Update

Oh my! It's been almost exactly two months since my last post! The show I am in ends on December 11th and then I'm heading out of town. To New York, in fact! I then plan to take the rest of the month easy and enjoy the holidays before January comes and I have to crack down on memorizing my next script. I do, however, plan to take the time to finish my New York Diaries. Yup. Finish.

This is a project VERY close to my heart that I started at the beginning of June and is described at the top of each entry like this.

"I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!"

As it gets time to get back into this and wrap it up I want to make sure anyone out there who is reading is caught up. Or anyone who wasn't aware and wants to read, is now made aware.

After I wrap up my story, the final entry will be a "where are they now". I'm also debating about adding photos and the best way to do that, since names are changed. Blurred faces? Just as they are? Or none at all to keep it all a mystery?

Then? Slowly, over time, I attempt putting this together in book form. Any tips on doing that are welcome. Here are the links in order to where we are so far. My blog isn't letting them show up if I make them clickable so sorry for the copy & paste. Anyone out there know why or how to fix that, please let me know!

Tweet me @DeenaMarie

Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html
Part 22: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_20.html
Part 23: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-23.html
Part 24: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-24.html
Part 25: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-25.html
Part 26: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-26.html
Part 27: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-27.html
Part 28: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-28.html
Part 29: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-29.html
Part 30: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-30.html
Part 31: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/10/my-new-york-diaries-part-31.html

Nov 28, 2011

Hey! I have eyes, too!

I'm sooooo sick of reading stuff like this:

"Men and women are built differently. Men are visually stimulated and women are more emotionally driven, so the temptations for a man to be attracted to a person of the opposite sex, based simply on looks, are far greater than for a woman. On the other hand, women are more enticed by touch, by closeness and by emotional understanding."


I don't agree. This does NOT apply to every woman (men, I can't speak on your behalf). I don't feel like this is the norm that I've necessarily experienced or even observed.

Sure, I may be a taken woman but I have eyes.

Trust me when I tell you that women are JUST as visual as men. I can certainly appreciate the following and if in a fantasy land I certainly DON'T need them to reach an emotional understanding with me.

Better yet, they don't even need to TALK. :)









Tweet me: @DeenaMarie

Nov 24, 2011

I flew!



Last night I had my first flying dream! At least as I think it was my first. If I've had one before, I can't remember it. Just a week or two ago I was talking about dreams in the dressing room at the theatre with the other two girls in the cast. When they mentioned flying dreams I said I'd never had one, and wished that I would.

I'm into dreams. I'm into the meaning of dreams.

I have the same dreams. As in I'll get into a cycle with a recurring theme and then after I've dreamt that a few times it will be something else. I first noticed it with the apocalyptic dreams, then it was water. I always dream about my dog. And sometimes a terrible dream about my dog in water. Sometimes I know exactly where they stem from, and sometimes I have no idea but it makes such an impact on me that I know it must mean / represent something.

Like my dog sinking in water. Usually in a bathtub, not being able to swim, just sinking. What is that?!

When I dream out of the "cycle", when something breaks the norm it's usually very vivid and I think about it for days and again, I am curious as to what it means and why I thought it up.

Before this play opened, I dreamt of my childhood home. It was my old porch, my old backyard and round tables were set up for all of my family to sit at and eat. It was a reunion or a party of some kind. It was a sunny day. I think I was in a long dress. I don't remember who exactly was there, other than I knew it was family. I was also there as a baby, around 1 year old. I was in a fuzzy yellow onesie that I've seen myself in, in pictures in my moms photo album. It wasn't supposed to be another baby, it was me. But nobody seemed weirded out by that. I got to meet me, and spent most of the party carrying me around. I could feel the baby me so realistically. I was heavy. I could feel the texture of the onesie. I loved and cared for this little baby me.

I am pretty sure of why I dreamt this one. It was a combination of things in my life and lines in the play. Family was weighing heavy on my mind, what with what's going on in my real life and doing a play all about a family. But I do wonder if there is deeper meaning because it was me. My inner child? Something that needs extra care right now? I'm not sure.

The next big dream after that was running from a tiger who was eating everyone in it's path. It wasn't bloody, it wasn't gory. I just knew it was happening. I kept climbing up high but the tiger could climb too. One of the actresses in the show brought me her dream dictionary and there were a few things it could have meant. One being ego! I just don't know.


Then last night I finally got to fly. It was outside, it was day time and I think I was near a beach. My Sweetheart was a part of this one. He stood behind me and I told him to hold on. I went to spread my arms like wings, and stuck out my right arm. He hugged around my shoulders, my left arm was still pinned to my side. I told him to hold me lower, so I could "use my wings", or something along those lines, even though I didn't actually have wings.

Then we flew.

I think there were moments he was in control, too, but then I took over completely and told him I could do tricks. It was fun and I could go high, dip down low, twist, etc. I began to realize while we were flying what I was doing, and I couldn't believe I was just finding out I had this ability. In my dream I had a plane ticket somewhere, across a sea, and I said if I could do this (and I could fly fairly fast) then I would be able to cancel my plane ticket because I was pretty sure I could make it the distance across the sea...



Right now I think this dream represents one big freeing sigh of relief. I feel that I'm learning so much lately and after some ebbs and flows with what I feel I should be doing, where I should be in my life, my creativity, my relationships, my family, I'm getting into a spot where I feel such gratitude my eyes tear up when I think about what I DO have. I feel things shifting and settling and happening all around me and I feel good. I feel things have cleared the way to show me what is right. There are no coincidences. Things change so quickly in a life. I feel things are moving to show me what is important. I feel my focus has done a 180 and it's suddenly become about what IS, not what ISN'T. Another ever so tiny step toward a higher consciousness, you might say.


Oh soul, you worry too much. You have seen your own strength. You have seen your own beauty.You have seen your golden wings. Of anything less, why do you worry? You are in truth the soul, of the soul, of the soul.
- Rumi



Nov 20, 2011

20 Things I currently LOVE.

Things I currently love.

1.) Turkey Lasagna.
My dad bought one for us from Costco a few months ago and I was scared of the turkey-instead-of-beef part. I haven't had beef, pork or sea food in over a decade and even chicken and turkey can make me a little nervous. I am not food adventurous. I like what I like. I eat like a five year old. I could live on pizza and bean burritos. Oh and pickles. And candy. But when I tried it? New favorite! Now we eat them as much as humanely possible.

2.) Eggnog Lattes.
'Tis the season! Is it just me, or did starbucks get them early this year? Every year my friend and I have a contest to see who can drink more. Last year I doubled her number with my 30 nogs. So far this year I am at 9 she is at 6. Who will win? The anticipation.

3.) The stage.
We have extended the run of "A Man Enters" at SLAC which is rare and exciting and I couldn't be having a better time. Acting is a constant state of learning and growing no matter where you are in your career or what you've done. The stage is my safe, sacred space.

4.) My family.
The timing of family members getting sick couldn't be worse. It sure starts making you face and think of things you didn't think you'd have to anytime soon. It also puts things into perspective and surprises the hell out of you.

5.) Reading.
When winter comes and it gets cold out I hibernate. I just want to stay inside in my jammies, cuddle my pup and read. I love ordering my books from Amazon. I get excited when they get here. I just can't switch to a kindle yet, I just can't.

6.) Working out.
I can't believe how regularly I've been working out for over a year now. It really has changed my life and I can't believe what it does for me mentally. Especially in winter. What a mood booster. All ya'll should do it for your mental health alone.

7.) New Adventures.
There are both career adventures and family adventures I'm excited for in the near future and ready to make happen.

8.) Not expecting.
Don't set yourself up to fail or set yourself up to be let down. It's not fair to you and the other person or situation. Just accept, allow and surrender. It's all unfolding as it should.

9.) Reeve Carney.
What can I say? I'm still in awe of his beauty and talent. Now he's dating Ashley Greene so she is now (sorry Ashley) on my people to punch in the face list ;)

10.) Wax Tailor.
Try the Wax Tailor station on pandora. It hasn't let me down yet.

11.) Being me.
Just being myself regardless of what anyone will think, or do, or expect of me.

12.) Gin.
And I thought vodka was my favorite?

13.) Beavis and Butt-head
Oh lord, I am SO happy they're back. Butt-head has always been my favorite.

14.) Photo shoots & runway.
Always have, always will. I'm very aware that time is fleeting and one day I won't be asked to do such fun things.

15.) Gratitude.
I'm learning more than ever before that being grateful for what you do have is the name of the game.

16.) Making time.
Making time to do what you want, what nourishes your soul. Shirley MacLaine says we decide how time passes. It's so true. Allocate your time. Use it wisely. What a difference it makes when you're a little more aware rather than letting time control you.

17.) Quotes.
This isn't a new love, but it is such a gift when you find one or more that fit you at an exact moment and give you comfort every time you think of them.

18.) The Crucible.
I'm beginning to think that "The Crucible" might end up being "the one that got away". I've had several brushes with this show. My senior year of high school we put this on and I'll never forget my drama teacher taking me out into the hall and in a very upset tone, telling me that I, "really messed up The Crucible...big time!" When I chose to take the lead in "Cinderella" in a theater outside of school, he gave me a small role instead of a lead. I was okay with my decision, and looking back on it I wouldn't have changed it for the world. But it was a show that went on my dream list. I was recently up for it out of town and now it's coming up for the first time at a local theater. I'm already booked during this time and it's a theatre that rarely gives AEA contracts, unfortunately. But I can't wait to see it. I saw it on Broadway and I love the movie. It will always be a special one.

19.) Complimenting.
It doesn't take anything away from you to give a compliment, and it's not about keeping score. If you like what somebody did on stage, tell them so. You never know how it can make their day, and yours as well. We don't support and encourage each other enough. Cattiness and/or keeping yourself contained can be bad for both ends.

20.) The New Girl.
Zooey has the best hair. And this is definitely the best new series.

tweet me: @DeenaMarie
Facebook: Facebook.com/TheDeenaShow

Thanks for reading! :)

Nov 4, 2011

Loving your loved ones.

Ever feel like you're stuck in a loop, learning the same lesson again and again? This week I realized that I am. I have had such a roller coaster with friendships the last year or two. Ending friendships, rekindling friendships, meeting and growing closer with new people, etc. But one thing I keep going through is constant disappointment in the friendship department.

I keep getting my feelings hurt.
I keep feeling as though I care more than others.
I feel like I give more than I get
.

I'm constantly inviting friends to things or sending info to something that might interest them. I try my damnedest to make it to their events. I am by no means a perfect friend and I've canceled on people before but I also know how bad that sucks and I remember what it feels like before I do it. I try my hardest not to bail. But I get the last second text that friends are bailing all the time.

I let a lot slide. Probably too much. I don't think I would have cared or noticed when I was younger. It's funny, you'd think as you got older your friendships would take a backseat to career, marriage, family, etc. But I find that the older I get the more important others become. As I grow up I care about others more, I'm not so hyper focused on myself, therefore I can get my feelings hurt easier.

I know we are all the center of our own universes and we're all busy, but sheesh.

I know long gone are the days of hanging out with friends every weekend, that's not what I'm after. But if we're only seeing each other once every six months or so? How is that a friendship? I just want a little effort returned.

This is why I love/hate the internet and texting. Sure, you can keep each other updated on Facebook and stay in touch with long distance friends or relatives, or even meet new people. But when it comes to your "real" relationships, I don't want to communicate with you in ONLY this way. And when I think you're going to come somewhere, I get excited to see you and can't wait to tell you what's going on or even -gasp- ask your opinions about things going on with me. But then I never get the chance.

In many of my friendships I've set myself up to be the listener. Which normally I don't mind, until I realize I'm never asked how I'm doing, or how I'm not thought of.

I am a firm believer that when something repeats, it's time to take a look at the common denominator. In this case, it's me. I'm more than willing to take a long hard look at myself and if I'm doing something wrong I will admit it and work on it. I'm still pondering this...but so far I don't feel as though I'm a bad friend to anyone. In fact, I think the problem is that I'm too concerned with it. I'm giving to much of myself, expecting too much from people in return. I hate to say this...in fact this has been making me really sad the last few days...but I think I need to both invest and expect less. I need to turn my attention elsewhere and conserve my efforts. I need a little self preservation now. I keep putting out my energy, my feelings, and I keep getting wounded.

Maybe if I stop inviting, stop trying so hard I won't be able to be bummed out when I get turned down. I'm not trying to be passive aggressive, I'm being serious. I also don't want to feel or build up any kind of anger. I need a little time...I am able to shrug it off and move on. I want to accept what is and not be upset by the way people behave just because it's not the way I wish they'd behave.

It just seems like it's easy for people to let things slip away. I don't know the meaning of giving up. And if I love you? I fucking love you like crazy and am loyal to a fault.


What I'm guilty of repeating is fighting against, well, most everything. Accept & allow is a slow process, but I'm learning. If "what you seek is seeking you" (see previous post) then I know what I need now is to trust and accept that the life, relationships and connections I desire is just right around the corner.

This has also been happening at a time when things in my family have shifted. I'm not going to go into too many details right now, but a sick family member makes you think about a whole bunch of things you haven't though of before. Like how you never know when you're going to lose someone, or who it's going to be. It doesn't necessarily start with the oldest relatives.

With all of this going on, it sure points out who is there and who does support you and once again my mind is absolutely blown at the incredible person that is my sweetheart. I get choked up just thinking about him. How can one person you can meet by chance, and who is not a family member by blood, care and love you so much? The kind of a commitment between a husband and a wife is like no other. Unreal.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, I truly don't know what I'd do without him. I am very, very, very lucky. I know what we have is special and rare.

I know it's time to grow up, focus elsewhere and change my life.

There is no perfect time to change it, but there are times that are better than others.
All signs point to now.

There are other fish in the sea.
There's more than one way to skin a cat ;)


That's it.

Thanks for reading. The next post won't be so debbie downer, I promise!

Tweet me: @DeenaMarie

Oct 20, 2011

"What you seek is seeking you"

"What you seek is seeking you" - RUMI

The following is copied and pasted from:
http://lessonsinlawofattraction.blogspot.com/2008/02/what-you-are-seeking-is-also-seeking.html

What are your thoughts? Agree? Disagree? Personal experiences?


* * * * * * * * * *

What You Are Seeking is Also Seeking You

Stop searching. Stop trying.

What you are seeking is seeking you. If what you are seeking is in alignment with who you are and what you truly desire (versus what you think you "should" be after in life), the universe will align itself in service to what you want.

So what does this mean?

1) You can stop the pain staking struggle to "get it right". The illusion that something is "out there" that you need to get or find keeps you in a state of scarcity. With scarcity, there is the idea that something may not happen. You may not find the answer. You may miss the golden opportunity. This is a story. And the story is fed by the very notion that you have to seek something out.

2) The universe wants you to succeed. That's right! If what you are seeking is also seeking you, it's safe to say that things are lined up in service to making what you want happen.
Welcome this paradigm. The universe actually is designed to help you create what you want because it rejoices in your joy and abundance! Joy and health are your birthright.

3) You already are in alignment. Because you are another expression of the life force that the universe is comprised of, you are naturally connected to the very essence of the life giving source. Actually, you are the life giving source. As such, you are meant to succeed. As such, you are already connected to that which will enable you to know what you desire. You don't need to try, you just need to allow yourself to become what is true for you and receive. You need to realize this truth and then act as if so that you let that which you are seeking come to you. It wants to. Let it!

So what can you do instead of searching and trying?

1) Relax.
2) Trust.
3) Affirm.
4) Open.
5) Recieve.

Oct 16, 2011

BRB

Oh my goodness I was on such a roll with "My New York Diaries" and then rehearsals began. When I'm rehearsing my brain is completely full. I'll get back to them when I can.

Week #2 of rehearsals complete! Halfway. Got the flu. Ick. Cancelled all weekend plans to stay in and rest up.

Joined Pinterest. IN LOVE. I have gathered quite the collection of photos over the last couple of years and it's the perfect place to have them all uploaded, organized and not cluttering up my desktop.


http://pinterest.com/thedeenashow/


Join me! I've got great boards such as: Dreamboats, The Army I'm building, Creepies & Cuties, My Entourage, Sweetie Treaties and a zillion others.

BRB!


Tweet me: @DeenaMarie

Oct 5, 2011

Dead...but not dead.

"Undead. Dead...but not dead."



by one of my favorite artists, Natalie Shau



I've started rehearsals for my next play, today is day three. This play is so layered, so rich. Really beautiful. Yesterday a line jumped out at me and I've been pondering it since. In a nutshell, the play takes place over one afternoon/evening where a family is getting ready to throw a party for their grandma and they speculate if the father the two adult children haven't seen in twenty years will be there. I play the wife to the son. In a series of scenes that are both real time as well as fantasies, we get many different glimpses into the versions of their father as they imagine him to be now and what it would be like to confront/rekindle/ask their questions/tell him how they feel.

In one scene he is imagined in a vampire costume and when asked if he's dead he replies, "undead. Dead but not dead." When this line was discussed there were so many meanings and all seemed very much correct. He's in the vampire getup to be imagined as looking foolish/because he's sucked the life out of the family/because he's had the life sucked out of him/etc. There was much more but I can't remember them all. What struck me, was the fact that I'd literally just described losing a person (and not because they've actually died) in your life as a death.

Obviously as I've been writing my "New York Diaries" I've had a lot resurface through the last few months. I've slowly begun to learn more about why I was attached to people I was attached to, what role September 11th played, what has changed over the last decade and surprisingly what hasn't changed. I consider blogging about it the bare bones, the timeline. Expanding it into a book will be a different beast. But right now what I can say is that obviously it was the time of greatest impact...yet it's a time I'm so far away from. When I write it, I feel as though I'm living two timelines at once. They're almost happening to me simultaneously, viscerally, yet I can't go back to those places or talk to so many of those people.

It's almost a mind fuck as I work on the NY Diaries project. I know they're out there, they're just no longer a part of my life. I can only speculate what life is for them now. I can remember, I can romanticize but I can't pick up a phone or send a message or bump into them on the street. So very much as the characters do in this particular play, I can only imagine my versions of those I once knew, and what it would be like to run into them now.

It's like some of those people who seem so alive in my story are the undead. They're dead but not dead. They can't be here, but they're out there. Very much alive, but not able to be...or maybe even meant to be in my life. Bitter sweet. Life is so funny. It's amazing that whatever you're going through at any given moment will shape both what you hear and the way you interpret.

Tweet me @DeenaMarie

Oct 2, 2011

Natalie Dee. You're welcome.

So funny. Thanks to my friend Nell who introduced her to me at the beginning of the year. If you haven't seen her comics before, I suggest you take a look: nataliedee.com



Oct 1, 2011

My New York Diaries - Part 31

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

My birthday was just around the corner. The Guy got me a present, two great seats to a play starring famous actors, including Willem Dafoe. I thought that was all kinds of cool, until he told me he couldn't go with me and I'd be going with his brother Sean. I loved Sean and actually went to a few shows with just him, but it was my birthday present and The Guy wasn't even going? There was always a catch. I don't know if I was getting used to it or didn't want to scare him again so I didn't make an issue of it. I was happy to get something.

The play turned out to be awesome and I loved getting to see Willem that close and personal. He wore a loincloth the entire play and I don't think I'd ever seen someone in that kind of shape before. His body was unreal. He was skinny, but ripped. Not one ounce of fat on that guy.

Taking tickets was one of the girls from school. From way back in the beginning who I had once done a scene with. One that had lied about her age that first day when Tucker had us all say out loud how old we were. When I found out she'd lied by three years and had been offended I couldn't believe it. I hadn't known about the whole actor/age thing yet. She'd since left school and as I saw her from across the theatre I wondered why she had ended up behind the scenes, and if she was happy.



Jack and Julie arrived in NYC. They came straight to school to meet me. We'd planned that Julie would be staying with me and Jack would stay at Jennys. I was surreal to have them there. I'd actually been to NYC with Jack before as a senior trip right after graduation. He was swindled trying to buy a fake ID, all his money was taken and he was left ID-less. It's always an adventure with him and I couldn't wait to see what was going to happen this time.

This was one time in my life I was proud of my age, actor or not. The bar I chose for us to celebrate at was the place to be and be seen. I was holding off on going there because I was sure they wouldn't overlook me "forgetting my ID" or crying until I got in. They'd definitely ID me and I was so excited about it.

I headed over with Jack, Julie and Jenny. Lynne and The Guy would be meeting us later. I walked up to the bar...and walked right in. The one time I wanted to get carded, and nothing! Despite feeling like I'd missed a right of passage, I was determined to have a great night. We had dinner upstairs and them moved downstairs for drinks. Jack kept ordering midori sours and every time he'd come back to our group and set one down, he'd turn to talk to some other people we'd just randomly met. Julie and I would then drink his drink and when he turned around we'd blame it on someone else. It went on for awhile and we thought we were so funny. And sneaky.

Lynne came. The Guy came. I think Sean stopped by. The Guy had just come from some kind of a performance, I don't remember what, but he looked handsome in a suit and tie. He met my friends and had a drink but was in a mellow mood and was going to be leaving soon. What? Leaving my party? I told him I wanted to go with him. And I did. I left poor Julie and Jack in the hands of Lynne and Jenny and took off.

At the time I was happy to do so. And thank goodness I had great friends who didn't mind. On both parts. To be left, or to take in those I'd left.

The next morning when my head was clearer I was worried and wondered where poor Julie'd ended up for the night. She'd spent the night at Lynne's and had gone to another bar where you can not only dance on the bar but you can give them your bra for their decoration. I'll never forget her telling me, in almost a whisper, "I donated my brassiere!"

Jenny and I had recently discovered a bar in the east village that had kind of become our new spot. We'd drink then walk right across the street into the burrito place at four am and eat the biggest burritos you've ever seen. Remember what I told you about this kind of diet doing nothing for the figure? Yeah.

But we loved this place and we took Jack and Julie there. I remember Jack brought up the Old Flame and was telling me things about him and his ex girlfriend that I didn't really want to hear. The girl that the Old Flame said had ripped his heart out. It weirded me out, I didn't want to know stories or details.

When I was at school, Jack and Julie would sight see and then we'd all meet back up. Jenny met us one day near school and we were all talking about where we'd be going next as we were getting on the subway. Right then, the doors closed with Jack and Julie still outside and Jenny and I on! It was right out of a movie. How had it happened that my two out of towners just got left? It was also really funny. Mostly because Jenny shrieked and put her hands up on the glass that looked like she was seeing them for the last time. Thank goodness they'd heard enough to know where to go, and we met them quickly.

New York seems so impossibly big, but I was learning all the time how small it really was. In fact, from the moment I'd set foot there I kept seeing people I knew. Once I even ran into a girl from high school in the middle of times square. She was vacationing and I was running out for ice cream, looking like a hot mess. It never fails. Those times when you run out not wanting to bump into anyone, you do. Even in times square. I would see many of the same people at auditions too.

One night Jack was at Jenny's and Julie and I were together. We went to a store so she could get a CD. This was a CD that reminded me of The Guy. We played it a lot and this was also a store we'd meet at regularly if we were going back to Brooklyn. We walked in, got her CD and ran right into, who else? The Guy. We ended up going to a bar I'd never been to before and having a great night. We danced on the bar and talked to all kinds of "new friends". It was the kind of night where you wake up the next morning, look at your pictures and wonder who these strangers are in them.

We went back to Brooklyn and I was pretty excited about taking Julie back to meet Ty. Julie was super cute and single. Ty was going to die. Except...he was out of town. The one time I have my available friend with me (Ty and Lynne were not exclusive). But at least this meant Julie would get to stay in his room and have a night in a bed to herself rather than squishing in with me on my futon.

Jack, Julie and I also shopped and Jack bought the infamous Jesus Christ Action Figure. We hopped on the subway and, lucky us, got into a car with a crazy person. A guy ranting and raving about something religious. Jack pulled out the action figure and held it up. The car was full and they all laughed and applauded. The ranter was actually completely silenced!

It was time for them to go. The way the flights worked they'd be going to LA and spending one night there before going back to SLC. And they'd be staying with the Old Flame. Of course.

Everything just kept connecting.

And also ending.

Endings of the most unexpected kinds and strange turns of events were, I was about to find out, going to happen over the next few months.

I just didn't know that I was already in those final months.





Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html
Part 22: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_20.html
Part 23: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-23.html
Part 24: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-24.html
Part 25: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-25.html
Part 26: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-26.html
Part 27: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-27.html
Part 28: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-28.html
Part 29: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-29.html
Part 30: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-30.html

Sep 30, 2011

My New York Diaries - Part 30

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The day of the audition came. "Balm in Gilead". I was obsessed with playing Darlene. I had to get that role. Every student in my class would obviously play a part, and in some cases there would be roles that were double (and even triple) cast. I don't remember my audition, but I do remember observing and being surprised at the nerves of my classmates. I walked into the bathroom to see a fellow student practicing in the mirror. In the mirror? I'd never heard of or thought of such a thing. That certainly wasn't anything we'd been taught...so why was she doing that? Lynne laughed and told her she'd been guilty of the same thing. I couldn't believe it. They were breaking acting rules!

I was nervous about Lynne. She was such a great actor, what if she got Darlene? And then something totally unexpected happened. She quit the play. She felt so overwhelmed with the school load and her work [bartender] load she knew she wouldn't be able to take on the play as well. She had a big talk with our teachers, remained on good terms, and was going to sit this experience out. How she could do that? I couldn't relate. This was it! This was what we were all working for! Then why was she even here? It made me a little disappointed in her. But I didn't get what it would have been like to work and go to school. I can only imagine looking back on it now how impossible it must have seemed. It seemed nearly impossible for me at times as it was.

When the cast list went up...there was good news...and there was bad news.

Myself and one other girl, Claire were the only two names not yet assigned to a role. What?! Tucker said he wasn't sure where he was going to put us. I didn't know how to take that. Why? What had he seen, or not seen in me? Why wasn't I his Darlene? Was this going to be "Museum" all over again? I dreamt of going out with a bang, with a starring role. What did this mean? Give me something to do!

The role of Darlene was to be played by Kim. Kim! Who had set up the meeting with Adam Pascal backstage on my birthday the previous year.

I'm not sure how it unfolded, but shortly after that Tucker announced Darlene was going to be played by Kim, Claire...and me! The way the performances broke down, Kim would still have more shows than us.

Then rehearsals began. It was incredible. And everything changed. It became very clear that myself and Claire were the better fits for Darlene. And then we were given the majority of performances.

I'll never forget walking into the bathroom on a very upset and crying Kim. I felt so awkward. On one hand I felt bad her performances had been taken away from her...but Claire and I were the reasons...so what was I supposed to say?

As Darlene, I'd be tackling a twenty two minute monologue and full nudity. I worked hard on memorizing every day, with the help of Sean and Oscar at school. We'd sit out on the chairs in the hall between classes and they'd be on book for me as I added on page after page after page.

I couldn't believe it. I got my dream. I was Darlene. I had the lead of the big show at the end of my New York training. To this day I can't even express how much it all meant (and still means) to me.

There was a lot that was going to go into putting on this show. I was going to get a taste of what it was like to take on such a large role and challenge myself in ways I'd wanted to but hadn't had the chance to do yet.

I was also getting ready to celebrate a big deal birthday. Twenty One. Finally.

What should I do for the big night? Where should I go? Who should be there? This had to be memorable. Two friends from back home, Jack and Julie had decided they were going to fly out to celebrate with me and I couldn't wait to see them and show them my new city.






Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html
Part 22: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_20.html
Part 23: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-23.html
Part 24: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-24.html
Part 25: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-25.html
Part 26: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-26.html
Part 27: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-27.html
Part 28: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-28.html
Part 29: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-29.html

Sep 29, 2011

My New York Diaries - Part 29

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Jan 22

"...something else that's been on my mind, deceit. So here is the Old Flame. Head over heels for me. Writing me these e-mails that just keep topping the last ones. They sound like wedding vows...

...but here is the Old Flame, obviously he thinks I feel the same way about him. I don't say nearly as much back to him, but I guess because I kissed him while he was here and once I kissed him so he'd shut up. I love that he's back in my life. I hope he always is. He's someone I always want to know. I want him for a best friend. I don't think anything more. But he thinks I'm into him and here I am, very seriously into someone else. Very wrapped up in something very real for me and I think on some level it's very real for The Guy since he didn't walk away...

...I don't think I'm being deceitful. I mean, on purpose. I don't think I'm a bad person. In a lot of ways I think I'm a good and pure person. But if it's so easy for me to do this, are they all doing it to? But I then I think how being with The Guy but kissing other guys means absolutely nothing to me...

...I find as I get older I get a little more cynical. A little more let down. This is something I vowed not to lose - ever - since grade school. It's very confusing, the lines between youth and adulthood, optimism and pessimism, fantasy and real life...

...I'm determined not to become jaded. Ideas and ideals can and do change, but I want to make a clear distinction between what is true and what is settling. The other day my mom was saying things my aunt Lydia had been saying about how lucky I am, how she wishes she was doing all that I'm doing, I get to go back and forth between SLC and NYC blah blah blah. If she only knew. If she only knew! Is there something I'm missing here?

...this whole experience with The Guy kinda shook me out of the weirdness I was building around it. I was getting too focused in, too narrow, pinpointing anything ad. So jealous. I existed too much for him and put a semester of school on the back burner. I got a lot of confidence back when I went to SLC, I'm wanting to work harder again. I don't care about the label anymore. I don't want to get caught up in that pettiness when now I see that actions definitely speak louder than words with him. It is what it is. I know it. I can feel it. With my head clearer I see more of who he is and why he's about what he's about. Patience..."




Jan 30

"Jenny and [her boyfriend[] are apparently doing very well. She said something today about how perfect it all is. She's missing everything but a rock...

...marriage does scare me shitless, but I'm getting ready to find that...

...I've never been practical, but I hope to always take the frantic, whirlwind, confusion of the one who makes me weak in the knees rather than the safety net. The Guy has quite the affect on me. He leaves me absolutely addicted and drained and captured and yearning and wanting and frustrated. 'That which nourishes me also destroys me.' "




February 10

"...I'm supposed to be memorizing but all I want to do is write. I wonder more often than not lately if I should not be with The Guy anymore. I just wonder if this is how it's supposed to be. If it's really supposed to be that hard. If I spend more time in torment rather than bliss...is that the chaotic love I've always dreamed of? Crazy, tormented love? Because it's not much fun. I'm trying hard to listen to my instincts. If I'm constantly feeling up in the air and suspicious and unsatisfied, is there a reason? Or is it in my head? For everything he says or does to take away a security or a happiness, he'll do another do make me stay. Why do I stay? What is it I can't walk away from? I don't even know anymore. Is it because [he had lost his mother a few years back] he keeps me at a distance? Will he never get attached? And is there a woman out there who can handle that?"




And then there was my living situation. A big misunderstanding happened and things were going from bad to worse. My teacher, Tucker, was dating a former student who now worked at the front desk. Even though he had to have been in his early thirties and she was probably mid twenties, it seemed so grown up to me. An older man, a teacher. Dating a former student? Wow. It was foreign for me but I got so used to them as a couple that when they broke up at the end of the year, that blew my mind even more. Then I heard another teacher, the girl who had been an understudy and performer in The Donkey Show was now apparently seeing Steve (who'd hooked me up with the manhattan apartment) and it was hush hush. I heard this news from Jenny, who'd seen them in the park together, looking cozy. By this point I wasn't all that surprised by hearing these kind of things and I really didn't care or think twice about it. One night I was out with Jenny and Charles and she jokingly said something about Steve and the teacher. Charles was good friends with Steve and when she said that, his eyes looked like they were about to pop out of his head. I felt a pang of worry, not wanting Charles to think I was gossiping about them, but laughed it off and changed the subject. Soon after, my roommate Liz who owned the apartment came knocking on my door. She had a lengthy letter from Steve going on and on about how terrible it was that she'd told me about he and the teacher. Oh god, here we go. Obviously she'd said nothing, and now things were getting messy. I can only guess Charles told Steve that Jenny and I knew, and naturally Steve would think Liz had told me rather than he plain got seen in the park. Turns out, he had told Liz he was seeing the teacher. Now Liz was standing in my doorway, confirming it. I wanted to cover my ears, I'm not hearing this! Looking back on it, it was funny that it was such a secret, because everyone kinda knew anyway. Unfortunately this would prove to be a drama we'd never recover from. I was now somehow involved in a he said she said that I didn't want to be. Steve would now keep me at arms length and it would only start the ball of awkward between Liz and I. For some reason, seeds of doubts were planted all around. Oh god. Would I seriously need to think about moving...again?







Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html
Part 22: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_20.html
Part 23: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-23.html
Part 24: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-24.html
Part 25: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-25.html
Part 26: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-26.html
Part 27: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-27.html
Part 28: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-28.html

Sep 27, 2011

My New York Diaries - Part 28

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


Jan. 22

"So, picking up where we left off...it's getting fuzzy to me at this point. But we talked. We were able to talk. Seriously, rationally. We ended up going to [champagne bar] right across from Ty's restaurant. Finally we were alone. We walked down there arm in arm. He asked about the Old Flame and if I'd heard from "that guy". And when I said I was going back to Utah, he asked if it was to see "that guy". I told him we were still talking and he writes me [emails]. Anyway, we're drinking lots of champagne. I've had a sneaking suspicion he's slept with [more girls than he'd let on] and cheated before. So later in the night I ask. He's slept with more than he can count at this point but he guesses [double the number he'd told me before]. He said he cheated on the Ex Girlfriend with her best friend. He was saying he just didn't have a connection with the Ex Girlfriend. He said she knew he cheated. I was finding out she really was never the threat I thought, which made more sense.

This turned out to be the weirdest night ever. He was saying some fucked up things. It sounded like he was having an identity crisis. He was talking about going to visit the Ex Ex Girlfriend in LA, buying a suit to "schmooze" in, and trying to be "the guy" that he used to be. The one that "had men and women falling all over him." Full of I guess, "charm, charisma, personality." He was saying he needs to get that back. I felt like I said all the right things that night. I don't know if I did or not, but I did for that moment. I told him it sounded like he wanted to be fake. I told him he should ask me what I see in him sometime. That I wouldn't tell him, then. I asked him at one point, "are we gonna be okay?" And he said gently, "we'll be okay, I just need some space." He got up a couple times and both times this man ran over to me trying to get my number. I gave it to him the second time and he asked what the point was of being out with The Guy. He never called. One point - him.

Come to find out this night, The Guy and *Little Actress did have a something once but she was "too weak" for him.

*Little Actress was a year ahead of me and in class with The Guy. I remember seeing her in a scene from "Hamlet" and she was fantastic. She was very petite and had a shaved head. Her face was absolutely stunning. I know her and the guy were friends and I felt a little threatened by her. A few times when they'd hung out or talked on the phone I was worried about it and always wondered if something had gone on.

I was seeing weakness in him for the first time and I felt myself growing more and more confident. He was talking in oxymorons. No relationship, blah blah but then he's like, "I'm getting old. I'm so old, I gotta start thinking about marriage and fatherhood." He said he wants a wedding in Greece, in an old theatre. I thought that was the most beautiful thing I'd ever heard. I am still wondering if it's his own dream or a dream with someone else. Anyway, to my surprise we end up going home together. Ty meets us, exhausted, but seems to like me more than ever. Maybe he thought all was well. So once we're in the cab, he puts his arm around my waist. We get back and sit and talk to Ty for awhile. Ty goes to bed. We kiss and go in his room...

...we get up, ride the subway, but he's not making an effort to keep a conversation with me whatsoever. He wont even stand near me. I make the mistake of asking him to a movie on tuesday. He looks at me smiling like, "you know that's not going to happen." He does kiss me goodbye. And that's that. This next little bit, this waiting, was the worst few days, well almost week, ever. It was an absolute eternity. At first I felt empowered by seeing him weaken. I felt fierce and doted on and carless the first two days or so. Then as time went on I just wanted to forgive and forget and take back the awful night and be with him. I couldn't imagine my life without him suddenly. I wasn't ready for this. I thought he was out of my life. I didn't know how I was going to handle this. I thought I had ruined everything I'd worked so hard for. I had made up my mind for him that he was never going to call me again.

Lynne left Ty a message, saying we'd be at the show thursday. I was getting more and more paranoid about this. I thought it might be too soon. Then wednesday night Jenny and I went to a movie. [She slept over at my place] We had crazy dreams that night. I dreamt of The Guy out on a date, drinking wine. Toasting, clinking glasses, getting to know a new girl. We're on the phone and I ask him if he's on a date and he says yes but that he and I will remain "good friends". It's a girl he met on Ty's show. So I wake up the day of the show with a sinking feeling. I feel the most negative yet. I am sure it will be a disaster, I wake up in tears. I'm completely at a loss. All signs point to no. Even last night, that song that says, "how's it gonna be when you don't know me anymore" came on. I haven't heard it in years. It's been in my head and what are the odds it would play? So then I get up and to go a rehearsal. I'm having my coffee [where I always had coffee and lunch by ATC] when my phone rings with a message. I'm expecting it to be my director with rehearsal info. But it's The Guy. And it's good. And he's saying he hopes to see me at the show. "Please come. We'd like to see you there tonight. I'll see you tonight. If not, I'll be put off". His tone is upbeat. I cry. I can breathe."




Remember a few blogs back when I talked about the "Amelie" crumble? It happened again. But this time, in a good way.




"So we go to the show, The Guy changes the scenes. He walks on. Lynne gasps, "he looks so handsome". Always. And it's so weird. I don't even dare to write these things...but I saw for a minute, or felt for a minute what it would be like for him to be my husband. And as he bent down to lift a table, I pictured how he'd bend down to lift a child. I saw him as a father. Oh god! Shake this off! So afterward we see each other but he's still "shy". We go to a bar for drinks and Lynne and Ty are cuter than ever and I want The Guys undivided attention but know it's not going to happen just yet. We go back home and Lynne makes The Guy sit up front [in the cab] which reall put me off, actually since she knew we were just getting back to normal...

...in the morning things are good and he's smiling again. The night before he says he's a lot happier, especially without the restaurant [he's just quit]. I told him I worry about him, he said not to. I I told him that all those things in him he thinks he's "lost" are the things I see.

I go to rehearsal happy...

...I can't believe it could all feel this way. And I just love him...

...I want to see him every morning by me. I have no desire to build this up with someone else, if that could even be possible. I don't know what all this means or how to word it or what to say...I just have to leave it with this right now. I'm in the airport now, in the cab. On the way here I couldn't stop thinking about how we almost - how that was almost it. How close I came to losing him and realizing, maybe, just what he is to me. For better or worse."




So much had happened in such a short amount of time. I thought I'd wanted to escape back to SLC for a minute and now I didn't want to. He thought he needed to escape from me for a minute and now he didn't want to. So what way would this go from here? Better? Or worse? I'd now realized, or at least admitted I was in love. And I was trying my hardest not to let him take over every last ounce of me. There was still school...you know, the reason why I'd moved here. And there was still the casting of the big show to stress over. What way would it all go?




Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html
Part 22: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_20.html
Part 23: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-23.html
Part 24: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-24.html
Part 25: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-25.html
Part 26: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-26.html
Part 27: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-27.html