Apr 25, 2014

Six minutes.

I am running from my front door to get my car, which is at a lot at the end of the road.
I will time it.  It will take six minutes.
In six minutes I will try to discover the secrets of the universe.

I start with remembering the Summer of Sad.  2012.
I always seem to find myself there at times like this.  In the in between.
How I can't do anything I used to before, or during, the Summer of Sad.
The association, you see.  This is the first time I've run outside since that summer.
Back when all I did was run outside.  Anything to keep moving.
This makes me sad.

Everything has changed, I'm a far cry from where I was.
Life is rich.  But I'm doing what I did then.
This running.  Outside.
Sumer of sad.  Sad, sad summer.

I am seized.  I almost slow down, but instead I pick up the pace.
If only you could know that summer.  Then you'd understand.
Why nothing could remain the same.
Why I tumbled inside and out until I was new.

It's sunny.  It's getting warm.
This makes me sad.
I'm sad because I'm so happy.
I have the realization that I'm always in a state of perpetual heartbreak.
Who would I be, without my undercurrent of melancholia?
The haunting nostalgia that so few get to see?
It must comfort me.  It must be familiar.
I know longer worry I'm the strangest person on the earth.
The only one who feels too deeply for her own good.
I'm proud to know my lineage of archetypes, and that the line of me
goes both backward and forward, endlessly...├ęternel retour.

I want to cry because I used to be so sad, because I overcame it,
because I'm so deeply in love, because my life is so incredibly good, because I don't get to keep it, because I'll die one day, because I can't imagine my parents getting old, because I never want to be alive without the people I love here with me, because I don't ever want to part from the love of my life, because I want us all to leave the earth in hundreds of years from now, painlessly, at the exact same second.

Because it is all so, so painfully beautiful.

I think about eyes.  Two tiny eyes to be shown the entire world with.
What I would do if I suddenly couldn't see.
How despite not hearing music anymore, I think I'd rather not hear.
Blocking out the noise of the world is something I suddenly feel I could do,
but if I didn't have my eyes…

I think about my love.  Again and again I return to my love.
Soul partner, sent to me.  The only one.  My everything.
Words cheapen here.  I haven't discovered the right words yet.
It hurts.  My love is constantly on the verge of spilling out of me at any given moment.
I am so full of love inside.  Swollen.  It's sometimes too much to bear.
I'm positive I will explode.

I play the game of back and forth between the present, and Sad Summer.
I wonder what the future will hold, and if I'll ever be that sad again.
I wonder if I'll always be this happy.
What could be worse? What could be better?
I am seized.  I almost slow down, but instead I keep running...