May 30, 2010

Utopia, ghosts and time travel...oh my!

Did you watch the "Lost" finale? What did you think?

I came into "Lost" a season or two late and was immediately captivated by it like I've never been by a show before. It had my perfect elements. One of the most intriguing ideas to me is that of creating a utopian society. "Animal Farm" is in my top three books of all time. I love the movie "The Beach" (even thought nobody else did) and have watched it a zillion times. Love "Lord of the Flies". I am fascinated by the idea of a group of people trying to create a place in which to live in perfect harmony, without leaders, (hippies, too) and how it's destined to divide, fall apart. Absolutely intrigued. Perhaps because there is a part of me that wants it and desperately wants to believe it could work.

I remember reading this in a book in elementary, "Believe in everything until it's proven to be untrue". I was a little girl with a giant imagination and wholeheartedly believed the impossible. For a long time. As I've grown up and began to realize I'm of a much more post modern mind (which saddens me), I still love to feel inspired by a true believer that something magic can happen.

Enter John Locke.

Couldn't walk until he landed on The Island? Knew it was his calling to be there? To lead (out the window goes utopia)? Oh. Oh my.

I had my favorite character, the one I wished I was. I spent a childhood waiting for something like that to happen to me. Wasn't I destined to be whisked away to rule a magical land? Here we have a grown man who waited his whole life for it to happen. And it did.

This is what made "Lost" so great for me.

Then came end of the season where we learn we've been seeing flash forwards. They've left the island. The scene where Jack & Kate meet and he's a mess and tells her he's spending his time flying over the ocean, hoping to crash to get back on the island, how they were never supposed to leave? One of the best moments I've ever seen on tv. Again...the hope of a magical place that does exist, where you're meant to be.

After that it got messy to me. Time Travel. Aside from "Donnie Darko", I have a hard time with time travel. It's frustrating and confusing. Here I desperately want to believe in the impossible, but time travel is truly scientific, mathematical, and I need concrete proof. Explanation.

Locke wasn't Locke anymore. I felt like he'd died in vain. It began to get into a story about good vs. evil. Jacob vs. the man in black (and wait a minute...didn't we already have Locke vs Ben?). It got a bit too mystical for me. Left too much unanswered. It became a story about too many things, characters, elements, etc. There was no way for it all to tie together or wrap up. But I never gave up on it. I was nervous for the finale, I thought it might end up being a show about, well, nothing.

What was this? What was this about? Would I ever know?

The end came. I watched all four and half hours. The true finale was the last two and a half hours and when it began I realized how much I wasn't ready to say goodbye. I don't even know how to put into words how I felt while I watched it. I have never ever been like this (felt like that) about a tv show. Actually, I've only felt like that one other time in my life, after reading "Life of Pi". I was so impacted by that when I read it over a year ago, I still think about it daily. I still discuss it with my sweetheart.

I think I cried through the whole thing. I felt like as messy as it had gotten, it ended with perfection. The characters coming together again, to be together in another place, the meant to be.

And then they were dead. Dead!

Here's where I need to tell you how much I love that element. "Sixth Sense", yes. "The Others", even better. And "Lost"? Wow. I never see it coming and it gets me every time! Why is it so...well...sad? We know learn that the sideways flashes were a kind of purgatory. A possibility that was suspected all along, turns out it was true, yet was a total surprise.

Now we have new realms opened up. Religion, yes. But even better, reincarnation. Could the purgatory/sideways flashes have, in fact been another life where they corrected their wrongs?

I won't be good at wrapping this up...I just needed to write my thoughts. I needed to tell the world how profound it was to me and how rare. I know why, a little bit. But I also don't know why. I don't know why I'm getting teary even writing this. I don't know why it bled over to the next day and physically affected me. I had a "Lost" hangover and red, swollen eyes.

I guess it's because I was a child who desperately wanted to believe in it all. Who knew better than to ever 'grow up' and lose that childhood magic. The belief that all things are possible. It begins to go in spite of our decision not to let it. It's inevitable. And "Lost" was so lovely it let me truly escape back to remembering what it was to innocently and simply believe in magic again...the meant to be.

I don't think there will ever be another show like that in my lifetime...

May 17, 2010

♥ ♫ I Believe in Love ♫ ♥

It starts. Tonight is our first "HAIR" rehearsal. I have a feeling this will be one of those plays. More than a play. A life changer. One of lifes magic moments. I have waited so long. I want to give in, give over and give to this and get from this.

Today is a new day.
There's been a lot on my mind lately that I've been pondering and wanting to change and I think today is the perfect day to begin.

In our profession we are so critical, catty, full of judgement. We're all narcissistic and think our way is the only way. That's the negative side. And I need a break from it. I am going to try my hardest to knock it off when I'm guilty of it and to not let the negativity of others in.

I need to remember we create our own reality and "nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent". If you have that, you have it all.

I want to live in positivity. In good. In love. That's all.
Just simplify and be vibrant and believe in me and what I have to give, and give it.

And relax. And enjoy the ride. And be kind. And draw kindness to me.

I want to savor my experiences, not stress so much. I choose to choose happiness at all times. Live peacefully. Everyone needs a reminder that we can't control what others will think or do, but we can control our actions and reactions. At the end of the day, we can be whoever we dream to be, to get all out of life that we want, to be happy...if we create it for ourselves. We can all use a reminder to stop and let the dust settle and focus on what matters most.

For me, I need to once again learn to go slow. To say no.

Yes. I think this is the perfect day to begin.

May 14, 2010

Ironman 2

Saw Ironman 2 last night. Wasn't as good as the first. Sequels seldom are. I swear to god every time I go to a movie the most annoying person in the crowd is next to me or behind me. Sure enough, two chicks behind us talked and laughed way too loudly through everything. I don't even like going to movies anymore. It's not comfortable, I shift the whole time 'cause the chairs hurt my bum and I cant stand strangers too close to me, chomping their food, texting, and talking like it's their own living room. Sofa king rude.

Anyway. Mickey Rourke was a badass. Now that's an actor for you. Such a small role, he had probably one page of dialogue and what a character he created! I wanted to see more of him. Sam Rockwell was great. You were so annoyed by him. Robert I'll always love but I wanted him to have cooler stuff to do, like in the first movie. The drunken fight in the house with Don Chedele was lame. Gwenyth I usually love, and she did a fine job, but I'm never sure what I think of the casting choice for Pepper. Then there was Scarlett Johanson. I don't think she holds her own alongside such heavyweights. She's the same in every movie. I didn't believe that she was that tough and kicking ass. She isn't physically right, she doesn't look strong. I read that Emily Blunt was supposed to play Black Widow originally. Now that would have been badass. Evangeline Lily would have been awesome, too.

I love superhero movies. I wanted to love this second one as much as the first, but I had moments where I zoned out. Granted, it was hard to concentrate with two chatterboxes behind me.

Spiderman is still my #1. I think I love just about everything about all three Spiderman movies. So far, nothing can beat it for me.

What is your favorite superhero series?

May 12, 2010

To be a "grown up"

Blogging is weird. I am private as can be all over the web...but what's the point of blogging if not to share yourself? Lucky you, whoever is reading this blog, you get the most insight into a day in the life of Deena Marie! :)

What does it mean to be a "grown up"? How do you know when you are? How do you know when you're an adult? I look at girls, er, women that I know who are starting families and I still can't quite fathom it. How do you know when you're ready to grow up and be a mom? How do you make the decision that you're not a kid anymore and it's time to go on to the next phase of your life? I see girls I went to high school with who have more than one baby and I just can't wrap my head around it. Right now I know countless ladies who have just had a baby, or gotten preg. I feel like such a baby myself I wonder if I'll ever feel differently. Should I? I have never been the girl who wanted to, in fact, grow up and be a mom. I have a mom. Mom. That's her job. That's not my job. I'm her baby. Mom. Seems so...old? But I look at the women I know and they certainly aren't old. I guess it's weird because I don't quite have those feelings and that...need? All I truly want is to keep performing. I can't imagine taking time out of doing what I am absolutely in love with to completely *change* my body and put myself through that. I can't imagine it almost at all. I'm not gonna lie, it's vanity. I'm in a vain profession. The thought of gaining baby weight and having to worry about losing it all stresses me the hell out. I can't imagine it would be an enjoyable physical condition for me. Don't get me wrong. Women who go through this are freaking rockstars. How unselfish and how awesome they are willing to do it. I just know when / if it's ever *gulp* me I have to be a zillion more times mentally ready than I am now. I would have to try to think of it as a break from, well, my life. Right now the last thing I want is a break. Is that wrong? Is it wrong I don't have those maternal instincts like other chicks? I love my puppy so much, as only other dog people will understand, I really can't imagine loving something more than him. He is my baby. He depends on me. I give him the best life ever. I can't imagine...more. The thought of a little baby sounds kinda cool..but then I think about it growing up, having to take it places, lessons, play dates, having to help it through heartbreak and hurt. Oh lord. At least I can protect my puppy at all times. I don't know that I'm cut out to be that responsible for someone else. Which brings me back to HOW DO YOU KNOW when it's time to grow up? I certainly don't have things 100% figured out! How could I ever be someones parent until I did? I don't want to lead any little baby astray. I very much have a sensitive side. I get my feelings hurt. How would I ever deal with a little human version of myself and my sweetheart getting their feelings hurt? Anyone who has anything negative to say about my puppy I want to punch in the face. I guess right now I like being the baby. I like my life just the way it is...and maybe that's totally ok. Maybe I'll be a slow bloomer in this respect, because I'm just not ready to grow up anytime soon.

In other news, yesterday was spent doing a photo shoot for Fresh Peaches swimwear. They sent me two lovely vintage inspired suits, photos will be used online and posters will be in their California store!

I also filmed you a video

Thanks for reading, watching, supporting, you know. :)

May 3, 2010

And so, it begins...HAIR

It's May! It came so fast! Do you know what this means? This is the month "HAIR" rehearsals start. I had such a busy April, with "Amerigo", "Persian Quarter" and on saturday, "And the Banned Slammed on". Other than a few auditions through the month, I'm now ready and able to immerse myself in full hippie-ness.

I've waited for this moment for so long. Years. I want to savor every second of this experience. Something tells me it will be life changing for all of us involved.


Deena Marie