Feb 15, 2013

The Meteor

Right now a meteor is passing above us.
Above you, above me.
Above the blue planet everyone you have ever known or heard of dwells.

Can you feel it? 
Can you feel the stir of the cosmos?

I long to see past the sky beyond the blue and into the infinite
I try to imagine the rush, the sound, the look, the spinning, even the smell

Ancestor in motion,
I wish I could meet you.

Feb 14, 2013

Sun pierced

When the sun peeks through and lasts the day
When it's finally too warm for my mittens
And I feel the slightest bit of sweat under my coat on the back of my neck
It begins to feel as though spring really will come,
And I will once again believe even though
I forget the miracle each and every year

Two oppositions being to stir in me.
I feel both claustrophobia, trapped by my physicality and yet
I remember I am limitless

I long to shapeshift, to leave my human form

In spring I can reset myself
My youth encompasses me
And I am freed

When you are meant to be everyone
and do everything,

nothing is ever enough

Feb 8, 2013

Short Hair don't care.

I did a NAHA shoot last month.

Yup, this means I changed my hair AGAIN.  I have some great behind the scenes photos I can't post.  The sneak peeks I got of the actual shoot are outta this world.  I can't wait for the reveal.  I wanted to show the new hair transition so I made the shots from the day of the shoot black & white and didn't show too much so you can't see the color my hair was, or the makeup, or any other details.

In my aim to have no attachment to my hair, I decided to go with the flow of what comes.

You know what? I really like having short hair and especially having some part of it shaved.  It feels rebellious against the standard of beauty we have had in our society for so long,  but that standard is definitely changing.  It's such an exciting time for women with what's becoming the norm for our hair (that sounds much more archaic than I hoped, but you know what I mean :) ).

I LOVE the current short hair trends.

Here's the latest transformation to pixie on the top, party in the back :)

Follow me on INSTAGRAM :)

Feb 4, 2013

At the beginning, there was...

Have you ever felt like your life was just about to begin?

I am standing at the precipice of a great beyond.  I am not scared.  I have been led by everything I've ever done, every experience I've ever had, and everyone I've ever known to get to this very spot.

I had no idea how many times we can be reborn in the course of one physical life.  Sometimes it is involuntary.  Sometimes it is a conscious decision.  Sometimes one leads to the other.

I am buzzing from head to toe.  I am a flutter.  Something is happening in me and around me and I knew this was the year for it to be so.

I want to shout from the rooftops all of my plans and all of the new directions I'm about to take.

I craved these changes for the last few years but didn't recognize what it was I needed, and often found the wrong thing.

Everything in its time.  When things align, when we learn the right lessons, when we begin to awake...only then we know what is calling us and what direction to take.

I will be a new person.

The old skin is shed.

I don't think I've been this excited for what is next.  I can't believe what lifting your limits, tuning in, and truly following your heart can do.

When things don't feel right, they simply aren't big enough for you.  Keep seeking.  Let the universe be your guide.  You wont go wrong.

I could never have guessed I'd be who I am and wanting what I want right now.  But I couldn't feel a stronger sense of right.

There is so much more to life that I'm supposed to explore.  When the world opens for you, you want to laugh and cry and tell everyone you know just how limitless we are.

I don't know if this is coming off vague, maybe.

Obviously I've been talking about really big life changes a lot.  I can't wait to dive in.  I can't wait for all of them to be official.

I get a lump in my throat thinking of all the new possibilities...

Near-death experiences occur when the soul leaves the nervous system and enters the universe, claim two quantum physics experts

What used to be "enough" for me before, simply isn't anymore.  :)

More later.

Everything in its time.

Feb 3, 2013

I want.

I want.
I want to explore places far from here and feel my size in each.
I want to feel tiny while suspended in immensity.
I want to feel limitless while on my own two feet.
I want each moment to feel different.
I want to travel for hours, enter new time zones
and see things I don't yet know exist.
I want to learn constantly of my smallness on the earth
and try in vain to understand how grand the universe is
a little more with each bit of new.

I want to leave earth.
I want to see it from the outside in
I want to break my own heart with the beauty of the beyond
Only then will I feel like I've returned to my roots,
to where I was born.
in stars,
in sky.
I want my ears to ring with the music of the spheres.

I want to feel extreme climates and every texture of the earth
I want to see color that never ends
I want to grow bigger with each bit of new
I want to forget I'm human
I want to forget what I look like, my name, all I've done
I want to dissolve into oneness
dissipate into the whole...

That's how I feel when I see pictures like this:

Feb 2, 2013

The story of the Bluebird

I can't believe I'd forgotten to write about the bluebird.  I can only guess that at the time it felt private so I didn't get into it, and then so much has happened since I'd just never shared it.  I've meant to.

This happened when I was in NYC at the end of last year.  It was on the night I went to Sleep No More.  Looking back over my blog it was the night of October 8, only I know it was pretty late after the show, drinks, pizza, and finally getting on the subway.  So it must have been during the first moments of October 9th, 2012.

John (my friend who I stayed with) and I got on the subway and we were still wearing our masks from Sleep No More pushed up onto our heads.  We had a bit of a ride ahead of us, and we'd just started to settle in the doors opened and a lady got on and sat next to us.  She asked what our masks were for.

When I'm in NYC I have to change, I have to adapt to a new pace and lifestyle.  I have to toughen up and fight a little more, at all times.  I have to brave heckling and unwelcome conversation from men, homeless people, and strangers daily.  It's draining for me.  I purposely close off.  For some reason though, in the split second (that felt like a minute) of deciding how to proceed with this lady sitting down with us and clearly about to engage us in conversation something inside me said, "be open", so I changed my go to reaction to shut out this stranger, and instead turned toward her and told her we'd just come from a show.

I'm not sure how old I'd guess she was.  In her 60's? I'm really bad at telling age.  She was plump.  Happy.  Jolly.  She's someones mom, I thought.  She was by herself and had a lot of stuff with her.  I was instantly curious why she was alone so late.  What was someones mom doing so late on the subway alone? Where had she come from? Where was she going to?

I liked her immediately.  It was weird.  Like how you just know sometimes that someone is good, or even a little special.  She talked my ear off the entire way, and never once did I try to nudge John to save me or get him involved in the conversation.  I spent the whole ride listening to her and asking questions.  It was bizarre, but I felt like I was supposed to see what this was all about.

I'm friendly, but I am not nor will I ever be the person who plops down and meets a friend on a subway or plane or in a line at a store.  I just don't do that.  I don't talk to strangers.

She talked first about Liam Neeson which reminded me of my mom (her crush) which led into a very long story about her sister teaching Natasha Richardson in a Montessori school and how sad it was when she died, which somehow (and I'm still not sure how this even came up) led to her singing "There'll be bluebirds over the white cliffs of dover".  At times she was a little quite, hard to hear so bits got lost on me.  But when she sang this I perked right up.

That's my Grandpas song! He sang that all the time growing up.  That song and my Grandpa are synonymous.  I was so excited I told her she was the only other person I'd ever hear sing that song.  Then just as she'd begun to as me about my Grandpa, we reached our stop.

She was a bit eccentric, but so nice.  I knew there was something about this exchange that had been special, but the skeptic in me was still waiting for the crazy to come out as I had to abruptly end the conversation and get off.  Wait for it, wait for it, brace for the crazy, I thought.  But no.  Not ever.  Not one bit.  She made our goodbye the most natural thing in the world, and actually, I was the one who came off as a awkward when I left.

As we walked to the apartment, John said he wasn't sure if I'd needed him to save me.  I said no, she was great and how weird that was that I'd just met a sweet, not one bit crazy lady that sang me my grandpas song!

One month and one day later, my Grandpa died.

When we planned his funeral I said to my mom, we have to play "There'll be bluebirds over the white cliffs of dover".  She'd forgotten about the song! It was played.  I listened to it a couple of times when he first passed, then when it was played at the funeral.  I haven't been able to listen to it since.  I don't want to.  Yet.  I'll post it here, but even when I go to get it I won't have the sound on so I don't accidentally hear.  THE SONG. 

I still keep thinking about my strange exchange.  What was that? It was different.  It was meaningful.  I knew it then and I knew it now.

In writing about it, it seems like the conversation went mom, death, grandpa.  And my mom was there visiting my grandparents when he died.  Was this a foreshadowing? It didn't pick up on death or bad news on the subway or at all over the next month and one day.  I only picked up on my grandpa.  Whatever that meant.

I was talking about this again with my mom a couple of days ago.  She said that in the final weeks of his life, my Grandpa asked about me and talked about me more than anyone.  He was constantly asking how I was doing in NYC and when the hurricane hit he kept asking if I was okay.  She said I was on his mind, and that he'd gotten a message to me.

I don't know if I believe in guardian angles, or if I even know what that means, but that's what she felt like.  I don't know how else to explain it.

But it was something.


I knew it then.

I know it still.

My Grandpa.

My bluebird.