Sep 30, 2011

My New York Diaries - Part 30

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The day of the audition came. "Balm in Gilead". I was obsessed with playing Darlene. I had to get that role. Every student in my class would obviously play a part, and in some cases there would be roles that were double (and even triple) cast. I don't remember my audition, but I do remember observing and being surprised at the nerves of my classmates. I walked into the bathroom to see a fellow student practicing in the mirror. In the mirror? I'd never heard of or thought of such a thing. That certainly wasn't anything we'd been taught...so why was she doing that? Lynne laughed and told her she'd been guilty of the same thing. I couldn't believe it. They were breaking acting rules!

I was nervous about Lynne. She was such a great actor, what if she got Darlene? And then something totally unexpected happened. She quit the play. She felt so overwhelmed with the school load and her work [bartender] load she knew she wouldn't be able to take on the play as well. She had a big talk with our teachers, remained on good terms, and was going to sit this experience out. How she could do that? I couldn't relate. This was it! This was what we were all working for! Then why was she even here? It made me a little disappointed in her. But I didn't get what it would have been like to work and go to school. I can only imagine looking back on it now how impossible it must have seemed. It seemed nearly impossible for me at times as it was.

When the cast list went up...there was good news...and there was bad news.

Myself and one other girl, Claire were the only two names not yet assigned to a role. What?! Tucker said he wasn't sure where he was going to put us. I didn't know how to take that. Why? What had he seen, or not seen in me? Why wasn't I his Darlene? Was this going to be "Museum" all over again? I dreamt of going out with a bang, with a starring role. What did this mean? Give me something to do!

The role of Darlene was to be played by Kim. Kim! Who had set up the meeting with Adam Pascal backstage on my birthday the previous year.

I'm not sure how it unfolded, but shortly after that Tucker announced Darlene was going to be played by Kim, Claire...and me! The way the performances broke down, Kim would still have more shows than us.

Then rehearsals began. It was incredible. And everything changed. It became very clear that myself and Claire were the better fits for Darlene. And then we were given the majority of performances.

I'll never forget walking into the bathroom on a very upset and crying Kim. I felt so awkward. On one hand I felt bad her performances had been taken away from her...but Claire and I were the reasons...so what was I supposed to say?

As Darlene, I'd be tackling a twenty two minute monologue and full nudity. I worked hard on memorizing every day, with the help of Sean and Oscar at school. We'd sit out on the chairs in the hall between classes and they'd be on book for me as I added on page after page after page.

I couldn't believe it. I got my dream. I was Darlene. I had the lead of the big show at the end of my New York training. To this day I can't even express how much it all meant (and still means) to me.

There was a lot that was going to go into putting on this show. I was going to get a taste of what it was like to take on such a large role and challenge myself in ways I'd wanted to but hadn't had the chance to do yet.

I was also getting ready to celebrate a big deal birthday. Twenty One. Finally.

What should I do for the big night? Where should I go? Who should be there? This had to be memorable. Two friends from back home, Jack and Julie had decided they were going to fly out to celebrate with me and I couldn't wait to see them and show them my new city.






Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html
Part 22: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_20.html
Part 23: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-23.html
Part 24: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-24.html
Part 25: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-25.html
Part 26: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-26.html
Part 27: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-27.html
Part 28: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-28.html
Part 29: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-29.html

Sep 29, 2011

My New York Diaries - Part 29

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Jan 22

"...something else that's been on my mind, deceit. So here is the Old Flame. Head over heels for me. Writing me these e-mails that just keep topping the last ones. They sound like wedding vows...

...but here is the Old Flame, obviously he thinks I feel the same way about him. I don't say nearly as much back to him, but I guess because I kissed him while he was here and once I kissed him so he'd shut up. I love that he's back in my life. I hope he always is. He's someone I always want to know. I want him for a best friend. I don't think anything more. But he thinks I'm into him and here I am, very seriously into someone else. Very wrapped up in something very real for me and I think on some level it's very real for The Guy since he didn't walk away...

...I don't think I'm being deceitful. I mean, on purpose. I don't think I'm a bad person. In a lot of ways I think I'm a good and pure person. But if it's so easy for me to do this, are they all doing it to? But I then I think how being with The Guy but kissing other guys means absolutely nothing to me...

...I find as I get older I get a little more cynical. A little more let down. This is something I vowed not to lose - ever - since grade school. It's very confusing, the lines between youth and adulthood, optimism and pessimism, fantasy and real life...

...I'm determined not to become jaded. Ideas and ideals can and do change, but I want to make a clear distinction between what is true and what is settling. The other day my mom was saying things my aunt Lydia had been saying about how lucky I am, how she wishes she was doing all that I'm doing, I get to go back and forth between SLC and NYC blah blah blah. If she only knew. If she only knew! Is there something I'm missing here?

...this whole experience with The Guy kinda shook me out of the weirdness I was building around it. I was getting too focused in, too narrow, pinpointing anything ad. So jealous. I existed too much for him and put a semester of school on the back burner. I got a lot of confidence back when I went to SLC, I'm wanting to work harder again. I don't care about the label anymore. I don't want to get caught up in that pettiness when now I see that actions definitely speak louder than words with him. It is what it is. I know it. I can feel it. With my head clearer I see more of who he is and why he's about what he's about. Patience..."




Jan 30

"Jenny and [her boyfriend[] are apparently doing very well. She said something today about how perfect it all is. She's missing everything but a rock...

...marriage does scare me shitless, but I'm getting ready to find that...

...I've never been practical, but I hope to always take the frantic, whirlwind, confusion of the one who makes me weak in the knees rather than the safety net. The Guy has quite the affect on me. He leaves me absolutely addicted and drained and captured and yearning and wanting and frustrated. 'That which nourishes me also destroys me.' "




February 10

"...I'm supposed to be memorizing but all I want to do is write. I wonder more often than not lately if I should not be with The Guy anymore. I just wonder if this is how it's supposed to be. If it's really supposed to be that hard. If I spend more time in torment rather than bliss...is that the chaotic love I've always dreamed of? Crazy, tormented love? Because it's not much fun. I'm trying hard to listen to my instincts. If I'm constantly feeling up in the air and suspicious and unsatisfied, is there a reason? Or is it in my head? For everything he says or does to take away a security or a happiness, he'll do another do make me stay. Why do I stay? What is it I can't walk away from? I don't even know anymore. Is it because [he had lost his mother a few years back] he keeps me at a distance? Will he never get attached? And is there a woman out there who can handle that?"




And then there was my living situation. A big misunderstanding happened and things were going from bad to worse. My teacher, Tucker, was dating a former student who now worked at the front desk. Even though he had to have been in his early thirties and she was probably mid twenties, it seemed so grown up to me. An older man, a teacher. Dating a former student? Wow. It was foreign for me but I got so used to them as a couple that when they broke up at the end of the year, that blew my mind even more. Then I heard another teacher, the girl who had been an understudy and performer in The Donkey Show was now apparently seeing Steve (who'd hooked me up with the manhattan apartment) and it was hush hush. I heard this news from Jenny, who'd seen them in the park together, looking cozy. By this point I wasn't all that surprised by hearing these kind of things and I really didn't care or think twice about it. One night I was out with Jenny and Charles and she jokingly said something about Steve and the teacher. Charles was good friends with Steve and when she said that, his eyes looked like they were about to pop out of his head. I felt a pang of worry, not wanting Charles to think I was gossiping about them, but laughed it off and changed the subject. Soon after, my roommate Liz who owned the apartment came knocking on my door. She had a lengthy letter from Steve going on and on about how terrible it was that she'd told me about he and the teacher. Oh god, here we go. Obviously she'd said nothing, and now things were getting messy. I can only guess Charles told Steve that Jenny and I knew, and naturally Steve would think Liz had told me rather than he plain got seen in the park. Turns out, he had told Liz he was seeing the teacher. Now Liz was standing in my doorway, confirming it. I wanted to cover my ears, I'm not hearing this! Looking back on it, it was funny that it was such a secret, because everyone kinda knew anyway. Unfortunately this would prove to be a drama we'd never recover from. I was now somehow involved in a he said she said that I didn't want to be. Steve would now keep me at arms length and it would only start the ball of awkward between Liz and I. For some reason, seeds of doubts were planted all around. Oh god. Would I seriously need to think about moving...again?







Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html
Part 22: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_20.html
Part 23: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-23.html
Part 24: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-24.html
Part 25: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-25.html
Part 26: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-26.html
Part 27: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-27.html
Part 28: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-28.html

Sep 27, 2011

My New York Diaries - Part 28

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


Jan. 22

"So, picking up where we left off...it's getting fuzzy to me at this point. But we talked. We were able to talk. Seriously, rationally. We ended up going to [champagne bar] right across from Ty's restaurant. Finally we were alone. We walked down there arm in arm. He asked about the Old Flame and if I'd heard from "that guy". And when I said I was going back to Utah, he asked if it was to see "that guy". I told him we were still talking and he writes me [emails]. Anyway, we're drinking lots of champagne. I've had a sneaking suspicion he's slept with [more girls than he'd let on] and cheated before. So later in the night I ask. He's slept with more than he can count at this point but he guesses [double the number he'd told me before]. He said he cheated on the Ex Girlfriend with her best friend. He was saying he just didn't have a connection with the Ex Girlfriend. He said she knew he cheated. I was finding out she really was never the threat I thought, which made more sense.

This turned out to be the weirdest night ever. He was saying some fucked up things. It sounded like he was having an identity crisis. He was talking about going to visit the Ex Ex Girlfriend in LA, buying a suit to "schmooze" in, and trying to be "the guy" that he used to be. The one that "had men and women falling all over him." Full of I guess, "charm, charisma, personality." He was saying he needs to get that back. I felt like I said all the right things that night. I don't know if I did or not, but I did for that moment. I told him it sounded like he wanted to be fake. I told him he should ask me what I see in him sometime. That I wouldn't tell him, then. I asked him at one point, "are we gonna be okay?" And he said gently, "we'll be okay, I just need some space." He got up a couple times and both times this man ran over to me trying to get my number. I gave it to him the second time and he asked what the point was of being out with The Guy. He never called. One point - him.

Come to find out this night, The Guy and *Little Actress did have a something once but she was "too weak" for him.

*Little Actress was a year ahead of me and in class with The Guy. I remember seeing her in a scene from "Hamlet" and she was fantastic. She was very petite and had a shaved head. Her face was absolutely stunning. I know her and the guy were friends and I felt a little threatened by her. A few times when they'd hung out or talked on the phone I was worried about it and always wondered if something had gone on.

I was seeing weakness in him for the first time and I felt myself growing more and more confident. He was talking in oxymorons. No relationship, blah blah but then he's like, "I'm getting old. I'm so old, I gotta start thinking about marriage and fatherhood." He said he wants a wedding in Greece, in an old theatre. I thought that was the most beautiful thing I'd ever heard. I am still wondering if it's his own dream or a dream with someone else. Anyway, to my surprise we end up going home together. Ty meets us, exhausted, but seems to like me more than ever. Maybe he thought all was well. So once we're in the cab, he puts his arm around my waist. We get back and sit and talk to Ty for awhile. Ty goes to bed. We kiss and go in his room...

...we get up, ride the subway, but he's not making an effort to keep a conversation with me whatsoever. He wont even stand near me. I make the mistake of asking him to a movie on tuesday. He looks at me smiling like, "you know that's not going to happen." He does kiss me goodbye. And that's that. This next little bit, this waiting, was the worst few days, well almost week, ever. It was an absolute eternity. At first I felt empowered by seeing him weaken. I felt fierce and doted on and carless the first two days or so. Then as time went on I just wanted to forgive and forget and take back the awful night and be with him. I couldn't imagine my life without him suddenly. I wasn't ready for this. I thought he was out of my life. I didn't know how I was going to handle this. I thought I had ruined everything I'd worked so hard for. I had made up my mind for him that he was never going to call me again.

Lynne left Ty a message, saying we'd be at the show thursday. I was getting more and more paranoid about this. I thought it might be too soon. Then wednesday night Jenny and I went to a movie. [She slept over at my place] We had crazy dreams that night. I dreamt of The Guy out on a date, drinking wine. Toasting, clinking glasses, getting to know a new girl. We're on the phone and I ask him if he's on a date and he says yes but that he and I will remain "good friends". It's a girl he met on Ty's show. So I wake up the day of the show with a sinking feeling. I feel the most negative yet. I am sure it will be a disaster, I wake up in tears. I'm completely at a loss. All signs point to no. Even last night, that song that says, "how's it gonna be when you don't know me anymore" came on. I haven't heard it in years. It's been in my head and what are the odds it would play? So then I get up and to go a rehearsal. I'm having my coffee [where I always had coffee and lunch by ATC] when my phone rings with a message. I'm expecting it to be my director with rehearsal info. But it's The Guy. And it's good. And he's saying he hopes to see me at the show. "Please come. We'd like to see you there tonight. I'll see you tonight. If not, I'll be put off". His tone is upbeat. I cry. I can breathe."




Remember a few blogs back when I talked about the "Amelie" crumble? It happened again. But this time, in a good way.




"So we go to the show, The Guy changes the scenes. He walks on. Lynne gasps, "he looks so handsome". Always. And it's so weird. I don't even dare to write these things...but I saw for a minute, or felt for a minute what it would be like for him to be my husband. And as he bent down to lift a table, I pictured how he'd bend down to lift a child. I saw him as a father. Oh god! Shake this off! So afterward we see each other but he's still "shy". We go to a bar for drinks and Lynne and Ty are cuter than ever and I want The Guys undivided attention but know it's not going to happen just yet. We go back home and Lynne makes The Guy sit up front [in the cab] which reall put me off, actually since she knew we were just getting back to normal...

...in the morning things are good and he's smiling again. The night before he says he's a lot happier, especially without the restaurant [he's just quit]. I told him I worry about him, he said not to. I I told him that all those things in him he thinks he's "lost" are the things I see.

I go to rehearsal happy...

...I can't believe it could all feel this way. And I just love him...

...I want to see him every morning by me. I have no desire to build this up with someone else, if that could even be possible. I don't know what all this means or how to word it or what to say...I just have to leave it with this right now. I'm in the airport now, in the cab. On the way here I couldn't stop thinking about how we almost - how that was almost it. How close I came to losing him and realizing, maybe, just what he is to me. For better or worse."




So much had happened in such a short amount of time. I thought I'd wanted to escape back to SLC for a minute and now I didn't want to. He thought he needed to escape from me for a minute and now he didn't want to. So what way would this go from here? Better? Or worse? I'd now realized, or at least admitted I was in love. And I was trying my hardest not to let him take over every last ounce of me. There was still school...you know, the reason why I'd moved here. And there was still the casting of the big show to stress over. What way would it all go?




Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html
Part 22: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_20.html
Part 23: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-23.html
Part 24: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-24.html
Part 25: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-25.html
Part 26: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-26.html
Part 27: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-27.html

Sep 26, 2011

My New York Diaries - Part 27

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

So there I am with The Guy for the third night in a row.




Jan 19

"We watch movies and I keep falling asleep. In between movies The Guy plays the answering machine. Let me just interject here that if I were a psychic I would have looked into my crystal ball that day and I would have known to call it a night before going back to Brooklyn. This was going to be a very grave mistake. So anyway, he's checking the machine and it's a girls voice. "Hey The Guy, I'm in California. Partying it up in San Francisco. Happy New Year, tell Ty happy New Year as well. Love you, bye." I look closely at them. Neither react. This completely turns me upside down yet again. I can't concentrate on this next fucking lame movie. I spend the time on the phone with Jenny and then Lynne in The Guys room. Lynne bitches about the Ty thing, I bitch about the message. I decide I have to ask. I go out in time for the end. I think they're sensing something is off, but maybe not. We go to bed...

...I try to slide into who was that on the answering machine. It was the Ex Ex Girlfriend. I thought it would be the Ex Girlfriend. The Ex Girlfriend was the one I always thought was the threat. I'd find out I was wrong tonight.

*The Ex is the one I've mentioned before, who he'd moved to NYC with and who he'd broken up with just before we got together. The Ex Ex happened before, I'd only heard snippets and none seemed good.

One thing leads to another. He's being more stubborn than ever. He's talking in circles. He's fucking with me on purpose. I'm crying again. Everything is snowballing out of control. I don't remember what my point was, or if I ever had one, or why I'm talking by this time, but now it's back to what we "are" and it's worse than ever. He evades the question and I tell him his answers every other time were taken back by something he'd say later and I was constantly up in the air. This only digs my grave faster because he says, "If I'm not making you happy then..." and we know where that is headed. We talk a lot. We talk about exes. I get out of him that it was the Ex Ex Girlfriend who was the only one he ever really thought it could possibly still have worked out with. I tell him about the Old Flame, in so many words. How the Old Flame is offering me the world and I was once completely in love with him, blah blah, fill the grave faster. Pile that dirt. He asks me if I was "with" the Old Flame in UT. If I made out with him. "Of course not". I'm getting nowhere fast. My ship is sinking so I surrender. My white flag goes something like this, "Okay let's drop it. I am happy with you. You do make me happy. Do you believe me?" He says yes. "Promise?" zzzzzzzzzzzz

Next day we're up late. He's late for work and seems pissed. Calls work, only to be told he "needs manners". And yes, he has to go in. I know something is wrong. I want to rub out the previous night. But I can't. We do kiss goodbye and that's that. So I leave a message like this, "I just wanted to say I'm glad we got to hang out these last few days, because I missed it. And about last night, let's never talk about that again, because it's just not worth it...it's not worth it." I went on to talk about auditions, and that was that. I didn't hear from him for forever after that and I just knew something was wrong. I relayed messages to my friends of our talk, all saw it in different ways...

...so I wait...wait...wait. I'm in agony, of course. Finally he calls on a sunday night. We talk for a bit. I think it seems okay. I tell him to call me tomorrow and maybe we can do something. He says he sill. So the next day I never hear from him. I leave two messages. Nothing. I try him the next afternoon but don't even bother to leave a message. I'm so scared and can't believe it could all be going so dreadfully wrong. But now there isn't anything left to do. So once again, I wait. And wait...and wait. And it's worse. It kills me ten times more. I think I should go back home and begin to question a lot about myself and what I want. January 4th I admit to myself, and then to others I love him. Jesus Christ I must love him. Then one day I'm out to lunch with Jenny, the one night I turn off the phone I've kept glued to my hand and checking 24/7. As I walk away from her work I listen to my message...his message. Saying how he's been working a lot, got my messages, working on Tys show now, etc. Call him back. I do, but can't get ahold of him right then. I leave a message saying I'd given up on him, thought he'd fallen off the face of the earth but was glad he called and wanted to talk to him.

Then I'm on the phone with the Old Flame for half an hour and he calls. Phone tag, you're it. Then I end up trying for ages, no answer - phone is off. I figure he's at work. I call late leaving a message saying I still really want to talk or meet up, I could come up to his work, he could come down to my place, even for a little bit. Finally I decide to try his apartment [landline phone]. He's been there all night. We make a plan to meet the next night. He says nothing is wrong when I ask, and that if it was he would tell me when I ask. So he calls the next night at seven. We'll meet at [bar next to ATC] at ten. He shows at ten thirty . Of course I had been out of my mind. Sean was with him, they'd been at a play at ATC. We meet up with some girl [friend of theirs] who is too loud and too opinionated and obnoxious for me. She seems to know me, but I don't recognize her. I'm bummed. I'm bored. He's directed 90% of conversation to them. There's only so many times I can get up to go to the bathroom.

He tells me. He comes clean. He'd been completely freaked out since our last conversation. Seriously freaked. So serious it crossed his mind to walk away. To never call again. To become anonymous and disappear into New York City."




To become anonymous and disappear into New York City?! Hearing those words hit me like a ton of bricks. Now I was seriously freaked.





Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html
Part 22: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_20.html
Part 23: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-23.html
Part 24: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-24.html
Part 25: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-25.html
Part 26: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-26.html

Sep 25, 2011

My New York Diaries - Part 26

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I got my first tattoo over that christmas break back in SLC. It was on a total whim. I was headed over to see my aunt Lydia and almost as soon as I walked in the door she said, "let's get a tattoo!" I had been in tattoo shops before to get an idea of what I might want someday if I were to get one, and I'd seen Rachel get tattooed. I said yes, I'd do it. Lydia showed me a package of fake tattoos she'd bought and showed me a fairy sitting on a crescent moon. She said she was thinking about getting that design. I thought it was really pretty and so we decided to get matching tattoos. She would get hers on her ankle, I'd get mine on my left shoulder blade. I figured that was a safe spot for an actress, not too visible. We went to the place I'd been before and talked to Rachels artist. He was able to get us in that afternoon. I was getting scared but I was excited. She gave me half a pain pill. I watched as Lydia was tattooed first. I wanted to make sure she lived through it. She could hardly talk, she said it hurt so much. Uh oh. But when my turn came, I loved every minute of it. It might have been that half a pill but it didn't hurt, and I'm smiling or laughing in every photo she took of me getting tattooed. I was so proud of that tattoo and so happy with it. A first tattoo is a right of passage, I was feeling very grown up. I couldn't wait to show it off to just about every one I knew.

I also got a new hair color when I was home. We took out the black and lightened it up to brown with blonde streaks and gave me bangs. My hair had grown out to past my shoulders from that first short cut I'd done when I'd moved. I had a new winter coat and clothes from Christmas, I felt like a whole new woman. I was excited to show it all off as I headed home to NYC.


When I got back home and back to school, we found out what our big end of year and end of the program play would be. It was "Balm in Gilead" by Lanford Wilson and directed by one of my favorite teachers, Tucker. I read it and my heart was instantly set on the lead, Darlene.




Jan 19

"...Tomorrow and monday is the showcase. "Leaving Las Vegas". I feel pretty good about it, I just gotta find a costume. I'm having fun at school right now. I'm excited about it for once, again. It's so true that you don't realize you are in your prime or having the time of your life when you actually are. This is more fun than "Museum". "Museum" didn't feel like much to me. I can't stop thinking about "Balm in Gilead". I'm going to get that role or die trying. God, I wan't that role so bad. I really don't know who can pull it off the way I know I could. And Tucker is directing. I want to know now, right now, if I can just be Darlene! Anyway...tuesday I'm going back to Utah. Julie's mom gave me a $50 roundtrip buddy pass. I planned this at a time when I thought my world was crashing down upon me, which it seems to do from time to time. But then it always picks up again. Let me back up. I arrive in NYC once again. And once again The Guy calls immediately and saves me. Thank god he does this, I think, or I'd go mad. Anyway, he'd called the night before as well, when I had been roller skating with Julie, Jack and the Old Flame. So we planned to see each other the next night. So I'm in the cab and he calls twice. It's taking me forever to get home, I'm still in desperate need of showering and he's like two blocks from my apartment. But he waits. I'm on my way over to [store in times square where we were meeting]. I spot him down by the magazines, moment of truth, and nothing is out of place for me! It's all there...as if I really didn't know. He's in a black coat, scarf, and oh lord, a fedora. We end up at a very nice bar by [another bar Jenny used to work at]. Eventually Sean and Lynn come. The Old Flame calls at some point but I don't remember what was said. It feels like another world now. We go to [another bar] and Ty comes, but I'm oblivious to all that isn't The Guy. We're at another place. We're all wrapped up in each other. Ty and Lynne leave, then awhile later so do we...

...we go into the [The Guys] apartment he says he hopes they're not up. We walk in, I get there first and say. "They're up!" He comes straight for me and bulldozes me right into the bedroom...

...next day is New Years Eve. I go home, unpack, lounge and get ready to meet Sean, his friend and Jenny at [the new bar Jenny is working at]. It kinda blows. I talk to the Old Flame at midnight but once again I don't really know what's said, or care, really. We go up to Lynne's bar. We meet up with Charles, his friend from out of town and another guy from school. Anyway. The Guy finally gets there [having been at work] at like 2:00. He comes in carrying a big bunch of balloons from his restaurant for me. Some drunk man runs up and steals one. The Guy tells me to go pop it with a cigarette, but I don't. I tie down the balloons, I'm dancing all over the place, some older guy touches my ass, I freak out. Lynne's friend yells at him, so he gives her $20 [?!?!] We have fun. Not the New York New Years of my dreams by a long shot, but as long as I'm with The Guy that's what counts. So The Guy ends up drunker than I've ever seen him. Everyone leaves, we're in the back room and he's Mr. Broadway song and dance man, making up lyrics and singing about the black mans oppression. Ty sits by the fireplace on the phone with an ex girlfriend for half an hour. Lynne is not a happy camper. The Guy is going to be sick. He gets up and can't walk straight to the bathroom. We need to leave. So we're going back to Brooklyn, having fun, putting on glitter and talking about our "stage names" for our "band"...

...we sleep well into the next day. He finally gets up, leaving me with "Star Wars" thinking I'll get up faster that way. To defy him I stay and watch almost an hour of the damn thing, thinking he's showering and getting ready. he finally comes in and he's been sitting around and doesn't believe I've really been awake, watching it. So we get up and hang out with Ty and watch tv and laugh at Cirque du Soleil. Then we all go out to eat japanese food, meeting up with Sean and his friend. After they leave and Ty gets a head start home, we try to go to a movie but everything has started. We go to [store], he wants to buy a dvd. He goes something that I know right away I'll have no interest in. So then it's kinda assumed I'm going back home with him again for the third night in a row. Ty has friends coming in the next day and he was saying they needed to clean, but I still go."




What do they say about too much of a good thing? I was about to find out that a three consecutive nights was not going to be such a good idea.











Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html
Part 22: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_20.html
Part 23: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-23.html
Part 24: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-24.html
Part 25: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-25.html

Sep 23, 2011

My New York Diaries - Part 25

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

That kiss. What in the world? How had I just allowed that to happen? I'd just run into the Old Flame again. This was night one! My only goal had been to hear his apology and flaunt my new New York life in front of him. It wasn't my intention to kiss him. Was I really stirring things up to protect myself from being hurt by The Guy? Was I really so scared of him behaving this way that I wanted to beat him to it? Or did I just like the drama? Why hadn't I listened to Jack and stayed away from the cookies? Ugh.



"We kissed. Not for very long, but a really real kiss. We ended up falling asleep up there. He put his arm around me and we went to sleep. In the morning I crept out of there. Benny was downstairs and his boyfriend was on his way to get us. Benny seemed kind of weirded out about me kissing the Old Flame, let alone falling asleep with him. So I left the Old Flame my number and said thanks, all on an envelope, and left. I felt a little...I don't know the word but now the Old Flame really had a lot to prove to me. He needed to call me asap. I wanted him to show me just how new and improved he was. And sure enough he left me a message, wanting to make sure I was okay and wanting to see what I'd be up to that night. He wanted me to call Adams. So I did. I talked to Adam and didn't ask for the Old Flame. I said I'd call again later and then [when I called again] left a message saying I was too sick from the night before, but for the Old Flame to give me a call. So Christmas Eve he calls and invites me to their Christmas party the next night. So tuesdays party turned into hanging out wednesday, thursday, friday and saturday. We hung out at Adams, with Julie, at Jacks, with his brother, went to movies, watched movies at my moms, had dinner, went to a bar, went roller skating. So much happened in that time. The Old Flame, I think, fell in love with me. He told Jack, and me, so many things my mind is just blown. He said when we kissed, "everything just stopped, and I really missed her." He was telling people how we'd been high school sweethearts. How we were "boyfriend / girlfriend" once. He told me on the way home from [one of the movies we went to] how he was just crazy about me. How he thought I was so amazing. For so many things, for my beauty, who I am, "thank you for being who you are." How he always had fun with me and felt comfortable with me. And something about how that's why none of his relationships worked out after me. He asked if he could still chase me. He was so honest. He was so real, so awkward. He just is who he is."




I couldn't believe I'd gotten myself involved in all this. Of course I liked the attention. Of course I liked knowing that there were other guys, and not just anyone but a someone who meant something to me, interested. Here was someone else, saying all the right things. But I couldn't help wish I was hearing these things from The Guy.

Who was the right choice?

What a whirlwind two weeks. I couldn't believe all that had happened in that short amount of time. I had a blast seeing family, old friends and the Old Flame. The only part that wasn't a blast was being so sick after that night at Adams that thinking back on it now still makes my stomach turn.

What would all of this mean now? What would it be like to return home and see The Guy?

And do I tell him everything about my Christmas vacation?





Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html
Part 22: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_20.html
Part 23: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-23.html
Part 24: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-24.html

Sep 22, 2011

My New York Diaries - Part 24

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Dec 15

"On my way home to Utah. Longest span away, six months! Last night I got my validation. My ending on a good note. The Guy calling me, seeing him, spending the night, him saying cute things. Us in good spirits. Him telling me [I was going to get hit on while away at home] "of course you'll get hit on, you're Deena!" Ty's boss asking if we were together, him assuredly saying yes. Well, "mm-hmm" and a positive head nod. I was completely crazy about him. [That night] I woke up and couldn't stop staring at him. I thought he was the cutest thing in the world. It made me smile. He told me he was going to miss me...

...Ty and Lynn are together. Have been since mid October. It can create a weird dynamic, the four of us. Sometimes I don't want it because The Guy was all mine, the whole adventure, discovery of him was mine. I guess now Lynn is a part of that. And it's a lot of fun to talk about and having Ty distracted is nice. Anyway.

...This break is at the right spot. It ended on a good note, the note I needed. Good to reflect, get away now. Play in another land and see what that does to both of us. How it makes us feel. I'll talk to him on Christmas if he doesn't call before then. Times like these I'm very grateful to have Lynn to hold down the fort and report to me. The Guys best female friend and "very attractive" little sister are coming to stay with him which was driving me nuts for awhile but now not my priority to stress over. I need to have more confidence in why he's with me. Still working on the jealousy...

..[the ex] he put her number into his new cell phone. He said before they don't talk. I can't compete with history. So I need to write this here and leave it here for now. An hour and a half to go and it's back to the homeland. It'll be so weird. I wonder how I'll feel there."




I didn't write at all for those two weeks at home. I saved up all that happened and got it out as soon as I was on the plane back to NYC. I somehow ended up being upgraded to first class. I don't know how or why and I remember watching the lady next to me to know what to do. I had no idea what the hot towel was for, so I took my time while watching her out of the corner of my eye and then trying my best to wash my hands with it as if I flew this way all the time. I so badly wanted to order a glass of wine, but I was scared they'd card me. I sure could have used one to go along with all that I was ready to pour onto the page.




December 30

"On the plane again. Getting ready to fly back - home. This is the first time I can confidently say that. I mean it. I'm in a big ass plane, it's like the one I was on going to Hawaii. I'm wondering if [where I'm sitting] is a mistake and if someone will come and tell me to move. I can't get over how big it is, how nice everyone is. Anyway. Jesus God, this is such a significant vacation back here. I spent the first week just with family. Christmas shopping, dinner with Adrianna, dinner with the parents, Christmas eve at Adrianna's. But the second week was pretty much spent with someone else. The Old Flame. [See part 19 of my New York Diaries for more regarding the Old Flame. We'd dated in high school, had gone to prom and when he moved away to college he broke my heart by cheating on me and lying to his friends that he had slept with me when he hadn't.) I hadn't gone out until Saturday, then I went to [a club] with Benny, Julie, her boyfriend and his friend. Then - to Adam's.

* Benny was one of my closes friends. I'd known him since Junior high. I remember when he came out. He soon started dating a handsome boy and they're still together to this day! He was a hell of a dancer and has since moved into the medical profession. We don't live in the same state and I very, very rarely see him now but he was around for a lot of significant things in my life and I will always love him dearly. Julie was one of my best girl friends and we have remained close to this day. Adam was the Old Flame's best friend through high school and I'd had my share of nights hanging out with him. He was nice, but crazy. I hadn't been able to quite figure him out back then. Now, he lived in a house with some other guys and they were known for it being quite the party house.

I thought for awhile I'd go. I wanted to go. I wanted the Old Flame to see me. I was ready this time. The Old Flame and the First Kiss were the two I wanted to see. On the way to Adam's I find out the First Kiss is getting married - that VERY day! So I was a little bummed, a little weirded out. Anyway, we're at Adam's, he's not home and we're sitting with guys I've never met.

*First Kiss...pretty self explanatory. The timing was never right. I had kind of kept him in the back of my mind. I was hoping to run into him at a local spot he still went to, and the place I'd met him. Roller skating. More than anything I was just curious, and I wanted him to see me in my fancy New York glory.

*Remember when I talked about the synchronicity of things a few blogs back? Here was another one of those strange past, present and future kismet moments. The First Kiss was getting married. I was about to see the Old Flame, and years later I'd learn that the man I'd end up marrying lived just across the street!

I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to ask or get ahold of the Old Flame. We call Adam, the Old Flame calls back. At first I won't say who I am. I finally tell him who I am, he doesn't believe me, almost. He says they'll hurry. He sounds excited. Then Julie wants to hide from them. We're in the bathroom when they come in. I hug Adam first, then the Old Flame. We all stand around in the kitchen for awhile drinking wine. A tequila shot. The Old Flame goes ON and ON about his career, (The Old Flame was an actor too and had also left the state. He was now in LA and back in SLC for Christmas vacation.) how he wants to take Starlet Who Was Very Famous to his premiere, how he wants to go on a date with Very Famous Rockstar, he hung out with Very Famous Singer, etc. He said he had an ex girlfriend who he fell completely in love with and she ripped his heart out. It bothered me a little to hear him say he'd been in love, but at the same time I thought, "well he got it back!" We all go upstairs where they want to partake of Adams bong. I'd seen Jack earlier in the night and he said to, "steer clear of the cookies", so I go ahead and ask for one.

*Jack was a close guy friend and although it's rare I see him now, I absolutely adore him still. Julie and Jack will be coming back into the story in the spring, when they come to visit me in NYC.

Plus I involve myself in the passing around of a joint and a pipe. Plus I drink a jack and coke. I move over to sit by the Old Flame and we're in our own little world for what seems like quite awhile. I didn't realize how far gone I'd be. It always hits suddenly. I've never had so much fun on weed. I laughed my ass off over everything. I could barely breathe . Then the Old Flame said I was, "so incredibly hot". At the beginning of the night he gave me a heartfelt apology. Ending in will I forgive him? He kept saying how good it was to see me. He said I had no idea how long he's been wanting to get that off his chest. I was his only regret, he had to apologize. He'd played it over and over in his mind. As the night when on he told me more and more how glad he was to see me. He said his heart skipped a beat when he saw me. Anyway, so we're all upstairs and I don't know where Julie is. Benny is running around with his pants down. Then he comes upstairs with my pashmina wrapped around his head and starts telling a joke that went on forever and kept repeating himself. Then I started getting sick. Trying to fight it but I couldn't do it. I felt like I was being forced down. I started getting queasy and went to lay down on Adams bed. I ended up barfing. Quite a bit, I think. I don't think the Old Flame ever saw. How embarrassing. I don't really remember the way things panned out from there but he totally took care of me. He stayed when I asked him and chose to be by my side up there. He went downstairs at some point and came back up saying how he's hearing things down there about me and a someone in New York. How if that's a good thing he doesn't want to mess it up. I said, "I wouldn't let you." Anyway, I guess Benny told him I had a boyfriend. But I don't know what I said. I don't know how I worked my way out of that one. I think I just said I didn't. Anyway, I think it was probably before this that...we kissed."




What was it The Guy had said about getting hit on...?








Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html
Part 22: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_20.html
Part 23: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-23.html

Sep 21, 2011

My New York Diaries - Part 23

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I kissed another boy. Maybe you're thinking it was The Star? Nope. I hadn't even seen The Star since Jenny and I had gone to see him play softball in the park, shortly after the night of his birthday. All the plans we'd made the night of his birthday had fallen to the wayside because it was obvious my heart was elsewhere. But I still had to self preserve.




"...While I'm leaving these demons on the page - which is a very good idea, I think - let me get out that I kissed another boy. Like two days after Thanksgiving. His name was Random Boy and he was twenty five. Jenny kissed his friend. It was at Charles and Oscars housewarming party [Charles, his on again / off again girlfriend and Oscar were now roommates at a new place in Washington Heights] which was an absolutely ridiculous drama filled night. I gave Random Boy my number. He called twice. I broke plans. No plans or desire now to see him. But not forever. He was such a nutcase I'll probably call him up one night and have him meet up with me to entertain me and my friends."




He looked a little like my old friend from home, Rob. Rob who I'd had such a hard time leaving at the beginning of this NYC journey and who I'd missed so much. He was becoming more like a distant memory. A friend from the past. I think the fact Random Boy looked a little like Rob had something to do with it. But more than that, it was me thinking I was protecting myself. The Guy wouldn't tell me we were committed so I wanted to show myself that I could still do whatever I wanted. I could keep my options open and I could get some ammo in case I were to need it. I was so worried that The Guy would be in a position to do just this...kiss someone else...and it would kill me. So I wanted to do it first. But kissing someone else wasn't really what I wanted, and I never saw or spoke to Random Boy again.

Charles and his on again off again girlfriend living together turned out to be a disaster. Charles was awesome...if you weren't dating him. In his relationship he was bat shit crazy. Jenny, Oscar and I witnessed screaming, crying, door slamming, running out of the apartment kind of drama. They were a bad combination and poor Oscar was living in the middle of it.

There was only a little time left at school now before I'd be going back home for christmas vacation. I hadn't missed school again. We were working on something that all the second years do, called the "Through Line". This was a lengthy scene you were assigned by the instructors to work on all year. They chose your partner as well. Once again, it was interesting to see how they see you, what they want to see from you and how they'd cast everyone. I fell in love with mine, playing the title role in "Electra". I really liked this project. There was always more to do. One of my favorite things was to choose the piece of music that fit the story to me, and use it with my scene partner (the girl playing Electra's sister Chrysothemis) in a physical improv in a movement class. Music and movement I'd found were invaluable and magic to my acting. My song was "Deliver Me". I couldn't have found it more perfect for my Electra.

*Song is posted at the end of this entry

The beginning of the new year would bring a showcase and the scene assigned to me was from "Leaving Las Vegas". I read it and thought it was absolutely beautiful. The end was so sad to me. I was heavy and emotional when I finished the script. My partner would be Steve. I was pleased with what I'd been assigned and with my scene partners.

We'd also all soon be hearing what our final, full length play would be. I couldn't wait.

But with just a few days left in NYC before the break, I wanted to see The Guy as much as I could.




December 2

"...One year ago today I was in a stairwell with a boy named The Guy. One year later we're waking up together, having our coffee, dying his hair. I never write about him. Really write about him. So one year to the date of our first kiss I will try. I got him to go to 'Moulin Rouge' on wednesday. It didn't start off perfectly the way I'd envisioned. We went out to eat and he was talking about an ex girlfriend whom he'd lived with when he was 18 or 19. She met him, 'lot's of chemistry', whatever. She ends up moving in, both their 'socks in the same drawer', etc. Later on down the road she tells him she has a miscarriage. He says he never knows if it was true or not. WHAT?! So he said from then on he spoke his mind and hated labels. Lately he talks about other women, famous or random women who he thinks are sexy and it only adds to my insecurities. He thinks every other woman is hot. I keep reminding myself that his ex wasn't cute and I'm much cuter.

*His type seemed to be dark haired, badass, gothic beauties. Something that seemed so different from me. The ex mentioned (who I'd only seen in pictures) was not at all that type. Light hair and average. I felt in the middle. What category did I fit into? Did he find me as beautiful as the girls he flat out said were beautiful? Or was I the other kind of beautiful? The kind that got to be in a real relationship with him?

Anyway, I hate to hear these things, and it was on 'Moulin Rouge' day! So we watch the movie and I cry (the eleventh time I've seen it). I just wish we'd been holding hands or something. Then we sit through the credits. I didn't have to ask him to, which was nice. Later - fast forward to when we're in bed - and it's 'Moulin Rouge' day for gods sake and I feel like he doesn't want to kiss me. So I start pouting and turn away, like I've been doing because I have this built up resentment to him because of the label issue. Anyway, he puts his head really close to mine and nothing happens. "What are you thinking?" He asks. "Nothing", I reply. "You're lying", he tells me, "You're funny". I ask, "Why? Tell me why?" He responds, "Not until you tell me what you're thinking first." Silence. "Why didn't you kiss me just now?" Moral of the story it was all about him wanting to see if I'd make the first move. I told him I had thought he didn't want to kiss me...

...[later] he says, (quoting 'Moulin Rouge') "Did you think life wasn't wonderful now that you're in the world?" WHAT?! "What did you say?" He continued, "cause his life is damn wonderful now that you're in the world." I wanted to cry. I felt weird all the next day. I 'm so torn up. I start concentrating on the negative, the jealousy takes over and I can't stop thinking about his exes or other girls out there. I create these scenarios in my head. I've got to stop dwelling on the bullshit or I'll wreck the best thing that's ever happened. I'm completely torn, split in two when it comes to him. Half of me says this is it, bus stops here. Since day one I saw him and he's the guy. I think I might love him, or am falling in that direction. I just want to be with him, could very well spend the rest of my life with him. On the other hand I think, how can I wait this out? How can I keep letting it be all about him? Biting my tongue, biding my time? Not speaking my mind for fear of ruining it. These extreme highs or lows. And somewhere in the middle I tell myself to be patient, not to fuck it up, not to be that girl. To be myself more. I keep thinking how he's staying with me. We've had some shit. He's seen me cry. He's had to say, "I don't want to lose you". Words I've heard before, but never gotten passed. So I almost get angry. Why? Why is he sticking by me? *I keep expecting him to fade (reference to a poem, posted in it's entirety at the end of blog)...Jesus I do have an obsession with love. Why do I want it so badly? What happens if I'm free? Maybe for two weeks in Utah I'll see..."




And once again, life was about to take a very unexpected turn. I never could have imagined what was about to happen in those two weeks, and back home in SLC of all places!

Someone was about to come back into my life...and ultimately change it forever.


"Deliver Me" by Sarah Brightman





*I Keep Expecting You To
a poem by Jewel that I have had memorized for years, before I even moved to NYC

keep expecting you
to fade
to wake up one morning
and not care
so I
keep myself
one carefully measured step away
in anticipation
of your love's decline

so when your check turns
and you attention
wanders
elsewhere
my heart will not be left
all awkard
hanging
from an elastic thread
you forgot to pull off
your old pair of socks

for it's in your nature to
lose interest suddenly
we are both artists
who suck the marrow out
of each lovely bone

It just happens to be
my lovely bones
this time

How Bare




Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html
Part 22: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_20.html

Sep 20, 2011

My New York Diaries - Part 22

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


November 8

"It happened. He's...mine?! I'm going to his place for Thanksgiving, I'm meeting his parents. It's been an unexpected and interesting turn of events. I went from thinking we weren't on the same page to being consumed by jealousy to...this. It's hard for me to say it, because I'm not used to it and I still have reservations, even though I'm floating. After Industry Night he asked me what I liked about him. And I realized I had so much to say. I said, "I like that you're patient with me. I like that you're honest and straightforward. There's a vulnerability in you that I don't think even you see. And a something else I can't quite put my finger on that I saw before I ever knew you." I also like the way we can be silly and weird and laugh and I bring out the kid in him that I don't think anyone else does."




I would be spending Thanksgiving with The Guy, his brother Sean, their dad, stepmom, Ty, and another male friend of of theirs from work. I couldn't believe I got my wish! But of course, there was a catch. The Guy made it clear that I would not be introduced as a girlfriend.

Whenever I thought I was almost there...bam. Talk about so close yet so far away.

He claimed it was because he liked to keep that kind of stuff private and didn't want them to know his business or ask him a bunch of questions. I was just happy to be going and I told him it was fine with me. I mean, of course I would have loved to be introduced as his girl, but I was more than willing to let this one slide in order to spend this holiday with him. Once again, I scoured the city to find the perfect outfit.

I would also need to bring the perfect salad. Asking me to bring any kind of food I was going to have to make myself was like asking me to speak Chinese. I called Jenny for help and she was right there to accompany me to the grocery store and get all the right ingredients for a delicious Greek salad. We made it the night before at my apartment where nobody was home. All the while drinking Zimas. Yes, Zimas.

The next day, I was to meet up with his parents since their hotel was just down the street and we'd all take a cab to Brooklyn. Hoping to save money, I decided to walk there. It was only a block or two away. I was feeling good in my heels, jeans, and new top. I could carry this huge salad bowl a couple of blocks okay, couldn't I? Turned out to be a few more avenues over than I'd thought. Avenues are much longer than streets. I was sweating by the time I got to the hotel and I was sure my up-do would be ruined, but it stayed in place, thank goodness.

His folks were nice and everyone was in good spirits. Food was cooking, we were drinking wine. I remember thinking their friend from work was a little weird and thought it was pretty funny when he passed out from too much wine and stayed asleep on the couch almost the entire time.

I'm a picky eater. I did have turkey and I'm sure a few other things. There were many more dishes there that night than I'd ever be able to eat, the boys being from New Orleans and all. There were things I'd never even heard of. But at that point I would have sat there no matter what was being served. I will say that at some point in our "relationship", The Guy introduced me to grits and I loved them.

Before we ate, The Guy said we all had to "give thanks for the Deena". Now that was magical.

I did feel a little like I was betraying Jenny and Oscar, but being the great friends they are, they understood. I loved that Thanksgiving.

Afterward we had more wine and played video games. We were laughing and silly that night. Things went so well.

So I don't know why on earth just a few nights later...I kissed another boy.





Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html

Sep 19, 2011

My New York Diaries - Part 21

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Halloween happened. We went to a huge party in a warehouse. The Guy, Lynn, Ty and another friend from school named Charles. Oscar had recently moved in with Charles and his on again/off again girlfriend, who also went to school with us. I don't remember what everyone went as, other than Charles was Hugh Hefner and I was a Moulin Rouge dancer. I had stressed and scoured the city to find the perfect red and black pieces to put together for this night. At the last minute as I was trying on my costume I almost chickened out and went as a Disco Girl instead. I'd never been out in such little clothing. But after we'd been at the party awhile I couldn't believe how liberating it was to run around in, well, your skivvies. I found it really wasn't a big deal. In fact, I got so brave that when we saw Theresa (the girl from the NYU party that was there with The Guy the night I took him away from her), I grabbed The Guy by the hand and marched him over to her for the two of us to say hi.

The sun was coming up. We'd lost track of Lynn and Ty. Charles was certainly playing his part, surrounded by ladies and making out. He was in no hurry to leave. Later he told us that a limo had taken him home! The Guy and I left to go back to his place. Later when I'd woken up and was ready to head back home, I realized I had a subway ride ahead of me and no clothes to wear! The Guy had to find something that would fit me that I could wear home. I ended up in strange and ill fitting pin striped pants, a black t-shirt and my heels. I think it took me quite awhile to return the clothes. I didn't care how ridiculous I looked, they belonged to They Guy!

Industry Night happened. This was something for ATC Alums only. Once you'd graduated you were able to chose a scene partner, your scene, and perform for industry folk. The Guy was now a graduate and that meant he could perform. Lynn and I were meeting him at school. He'd performed and was inside chatting with people. I wanted to let him have some time. But then more time went by. And more time. And then even more. Lynn and I were ready to go. Ty was ready to meet up. Why I didn't just go in and politely see if he was ready to leave the schmoozing is beyond me. I can only chalk it up to youth and ignorance, but instead I thought it best to poke my head in and with a whole lot of attitude tell him, "bye!" In front of everyone.

Oh god. He jumped up and was out the door, so fast. He thought he was waiting on us and was just killing time. Later this comes back in the midst of a fight and he tells me how I'd "emasculated him".

That night, our foursome and one of their guy friends ended up at the restaurant The Guy worked at. It was a fine dining restaurant and I don't know why it was closed that night. But it was, and they had the keys. We had a private party and helped ourselves to food and booze and made out on a table in a kitchen that looked right out of "Jurassic Park". It was a long and late night and it resulted in Lynn and I missing the entire day of school the next day. Shit. You remember what I told you in the beginning about missing? Even being late was unacceptable. I felt horrible. But The Guy seemed at the time a good reason to miss. He didn't have to work until late afternoon so I was able to spend the day with him. Things were going well, we were in good spirits and laid talking for a long time "about childhood things", my journal tells me.




"...fast forward, one night at our Usual Spot in Brooklyn. We drink, he introduces me as his friend. I comment on this and suddenly everything has snowballed out of control until I'm crying at his apartment. We can't come to an understanding on what we are. Him saying he has no interest of finding anyone else. He doesn't want to lose me...

...I ask him what I am to him, I need to hear something. He says, "you're my girl, you're my girl." I ask if he's sure. He says, "positive." But he says these things in a way that sounds 80% to shut me up and 20% to convince himself. So that's really where it was left. He's since then mentioned again hating labels, feeling trapped. So I feel stagnant again but am still sucking it up for him. Changing my own tune about it every day, anyway..."




Thanksgiving was about to happen. I was planning to spend it with my Holiday Kids, Jenny and Oscar but was secretly hoping The Guy would want to spend it with me. Would he? The big and final play would be announced and auditioned soon. What would it be? What kind of role would I get? I'd need to get my ass in gear and get to school. I didn't want to miss class again. I told myself it was not an option.




Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html