Jan 19, 2018

A little bit sad.

I love this one...even though it will always make me a little bit sad. 


Jan 16, 2018

Online Dating.

Online dating? No. Never. Ever. Ever. Not. In. A. Million. Years. Ever. 

That was me...up until the end of October.

Over the course of my life, I've been proposed to three times. I took two of the three up on their offers. I had very little turn around time between husband one and two, which basically means that I'd been a married woman for about 10 years. Prior to that were two other somewhat significant co-habitating relationships which lasted for a couple of years each. This means I haven't been single since I was a teenager.

At seven months in, this is the longest I’ve ever been single. Imagine being in a relationship for all of your adult life, then bam! The unexpected happens, and there you are. A grown woman, and mother who has never dated. Suddenly, I am in unchartered territory...this including online dating. Women friends close in age who are happily married hear this, and clutch their husbands a little tighter. Horrified, they tell me they could never imagine being in my position, and couldn't possibly do it. I get it. I had the same reaction to stories of the unthinkable over the years.

I can totally remember hearing about something called match.com for the first time close to a decade or so ago. This was a place where you looked for a partner online! I thought that if people had to resort to this, then they must be totally and completely desperate. How sad for them. I also felt very lucky, if not a bit smug, because I would never need that sort of thing.

But here we are. And you better believe I had residual judgement coming with me into this new chapter of my life. But at almost three months into online dating, my thoughts about it are completely different than what I ever could have imagined.

I quickly learned that in 2018, having tinder and bumble is hardly different from having snapchat and instagram. Everybody's doing it. I've heard complaints of "hook-up culture", and the confusion of "hanging out" rather than legit dates. I'd gone out on a few set-ups which were complete duds (and ghosters). So, despite my nervousness about it, I knew I would need to take matters into my own hands. One night, I poured a glass of champagne and downloaded the first of the two.

I am going to be keeping my private life private for for now, but I will tell you what I’ve learned.

It is absolutely possible to meet men of quality online. Handome, successful, gentlemanly men. Yes, at times there is nonsense to weed through. Such as men reaching out who are completely inappropriate for you. Be it a man old enough to be your father (no), or a long time social media “friend” who feels he should now “take the opportunity to say something” (no). The countless men who fill my various inboxes with little more than a “hi”. No introduction, no questions, no effort to start an actual conversation (no). The men who will try more than once to contact me, even though I didn't reply to begin with (also no). The men who ask for a phone number in a first message (uh, NO).

But. There are the ones who are doing it right. Making an effort, and getting to know me both over social media, over text...and in real life.

I have to say that my situation is tricky, too. I am busy with mom duty most of the time, and rarely give it up unless my boy is away. So, to date me means respecting and working with that. But come on, everyone is busy, and it’s all very simple in the end. If a man wants to make an effort, he will. If a woman wants to make an effort, she will. Even if it’s going to be more slow-going with me than with women with older kids, or no kids at all. 

This also allows me to be extremely picky with who I give my rare free time to. I don’t have time for anything other than quality. I see myself through a new filter now, the filter of “Charlie’s Mother” and she can only accept the best.

But the greatest part I’ve realized, is that it’s put me into contact with men I would never normally meet! Our paths would otherwise never cross. It’s really opened my eyes and my mind that there are handsome, awesome guys everywhere and I had no idea. I had it in my head that the dating scene is bleak, options scarce, and  I would never be attracted to anyone ever again. But, it's actually been very positive! It lets you expand your world, and do it in a way that is far less time consuming than going out and about to put yourself in new settings and scenarios (which I also appreciate, don’t get me wrong. It’s just you know, all that stuff I said about a little toddler, and time).

Online dating has also made me relax. I’m a lot less rigid and scared of meeting new men, or men who want to meet me. I may accidentally swipe, or “super-like” someone that I didn’t mean to. But I find myself laughing about it, learning there is no harm in conversation, and everyone you brush paths with has something to teach you if you take a minute to let them. I'm also getting comfortable in my boundaries, being clear when I need to be, that it's a no. Clear communication is cool, ghosting is not.

I'm constantly learning more about what I do, and don't want. As I've gained experience and can compare, it's easy for me to see who I'm drawn to, and why. The why is important to me, as I want to be as smart as I can about this. I'm also able to learn and practice new skills that I hadn't had to before. It's been nice for me to build my confidence with dating, after feeling so low this summer. I don't know that I'm back at 100%, but I'm coming "back" more every day. And the only way to ensure this keeps happening, is forward momentum, and moving on with my life. 

I don’t know what the future has in store. I don’t have a single expectation at the moment. I honestly don’t. But what I do have, are the occasional butterflies, a nice evening with a nice guy, and something I hadn't felt in a really long time...hope.

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me, too

Written 1/7/2018

I’ve never posted about #metoo but after those POWERFUL Golden Globes tonight, I want to try to give words to what’s been swirling in me for months. First of all, I’ve learned I am incredibly lucky not to have a Me Too story to tell. I have never been a victim of sexual harassment or assault. Not in the way so many women have in the stories I’ve read. And for that, I’m SO fortunate. 

However, there are other ways men have wielded power over me, and I did NOT come out unscathed. I have encountered in my past privileged, entitled, holier-than-thou men who have never been stood up to. Who have never been told they’re wrong. Who have never been met with resistance. Who have never had a light shone on their weaknesses, to be faced and dealt with. Who have never owned up to their mistakes. Who never apologized for their mistreatment of women (me). Who never saw their mistreatment for what it was. And who always made sure I knew my place was under their rule and thumb. I first experienced this in my early 20’s. It would not be my last. I encountered men who tried to make me feel small, and question my own WORTH using fear tactics, threats...among other things. 

I’ve thought SO much about what a terribly sad disservice it’s been to these men, to have been brought up in a world where this behavior (and view of what a woman is in relation to them) is OKAY. In a household where this is OKAY. These days, as I move forward with a little man by my side, I’m constantly thinking about how I can make sure he is an integral part of this NEW wave. The new movement, and a part of the solution. My biggest hope is to preserve the softness, and sensitivities I see in him. To raise him to VALUE equality, empathy, compassion, and communication. To teach him that these things don’t make him less of a man, but a bigger and better person. To have respect for his fellow man/woman/human. And to know the inherent difference between right and wrong. 

The unity and the POWER of women right now is palpable. I can almost reach right out and touch the momentum. It has reminded me I am not alone. I am not small. And makes the ground under me feel a little more solid on days I still may wobble.


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"Part of what keeps you sitting in that chair in that room enduring harassment or abuse from a man in power is that, as a woman, you have rarely seen another end for yourself. In the novels you’ve read, in the films you’ve seen, in the stories you’ve been told since birth, the women so frequently meet disastrous ends."

-  The economics of consent by Brit Marling 

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