For as long as I can remember

For as long as I can remember, I have been Christian in "Moulin Rouge". Driven by my, "ridiculous obsession with love."

For as long as I can remember, romantic relationships have been the thing. The quest for love has consumed, been the most desired, what I want most, the ultimate goal, and I (mostly) haven't thought twice about it, it simply was. But, if love's the thing, and the ultimate goal, that means I've put my ultimate happiness and measure of success in someone, and something else, for as long as I can remember.

With that gone, I am left up to my own devices to find out what else brings me joy.

I have spent the majority of my adult life in one long-term relationship after another, with virtually no breaks in between, from the time I was 19, until three years ago. You do the math. Married to two different people, yet spanning a decade total, I spent a part of my 20's and the better part of my 30's as someone's wife, in someone else's house, or working towards that, with someone else supporting me, and often, willingly giving to them the prime position...right at the helm to steer my ship.

I had two drastically different married experiences, for a whole bunch of reasons, but there were often times that I longed for what I didn't have. There were unsettled bits, flashes of longing for the lives I didn't choose, and the occasional pang that something still wasn't satisfied within me. I could never pinpoint it.

Those days are long behind me, and when I became a mom, all of the longing, the wondering, the restlessness, all but sealed up.

I also think about how even though I say I was single for the last three years, I truly wasn't for majority of that time. I was in a relationship with a court case. It was all consuming, and nearly killed me. I have only recently began to dip my toe in the pool of trust that I can relax, and flourish into a newfound life.

When I glimpse my strength, I am so full and satisfied with my ability to provide, and take care of myself, to do all the things I was made to feel I could never do...but also have emphasis on new aspects with my life and self, I am still re-shuffling, re-prioritizing, entire. Things are still shifting into place, and in many ways, I am only at the beginning of seeing where they will land.

This time leaves me to really figure it out, what I want, rather than choose what was really available and presenting itself, because now there is nothing to present, other than what I am creating.

It is a waiting game of learning, discovery, and being hopeful that life will still surprise me.

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Man

When asked what I’ll look for in a future partner, an image immediately pops into my brain. Not of a person, a type, or a look. No. I picture a strong, vibrant tree. Straight lines, fleshed out, and beautiful. The roots traveling deep, reaching into the earth. I can smell the soil. Above the leaves, sunshine, and clouds. But above that, are planets and nebula. Swirling deep purples and blues. I can hear the motion. Boundless expansion. This is what I will hold out for, and there’s no time frame. A wise soul, endlessly growing in both directions. Feet firmly planted. Mind blown open. A man of both earth, and the infinite.

One big goodbye

I've been thinking a lot about something an ex once said. This ex was my longest relationship. 8 years. While I wasn't ready for him, nor did I experience the romantic love needed to keep me there, looking back years later I can appreciate lessons he taught me in a whole new way. With time, distance, and the ability to compare, and contrast, I see that what I took as "too simple" was pretty darn enlightened. 

Our nights, and our Sunday's were filled with conversation of incredible range. Socialism, theatre, the universe, love, the seven wonders of the world, our dog, our childhoods, you name it and we would discuss it at length. Nighttime was often like a slumber party. We'd talk, and talk, subjects bouncing all around. We'd dig in, he'd entertain my curiosity as a willing, and equal participant. Always gentle, always open to philosophizing, he taught me to embrace, and appreciate my sensitivity. He loved my inquisitive nature, my deep thoughts, and big feelings. He allowed me to unabashedly and unapologetically be ME. I wasn't quite aware of it then, because he did it so simply. 

He was there through the first of the two hardest times I've lived through, the first being back in 2012. At this point, I knew I needed to be out of the relationship, but didn't know how to say or do it. Just then, I experience a slew of losses, and stayed put awhile longer.

We talked for months about loss, and goodbye. You'd have to scroll a ways back to find it, but there's a post here where I talk about him saying  life's a series of goodbyes, how "we all meet in the middle of one big long goodbye." I remember when he said this. It seemed uncharacteristicly profound to me at the time, although l think now I wasn't aware of his profundity that probably happened regularly. 

Five years later, I imagine him saying this, in our old kitchen. The way the light filtered in, the sound of his voice. He seemed to be discovering these words and idea in the moment as he spoke. 

This memory makes me sad, but the good kind of sad. A wave of nostalgia hits my heart, but a small smile spreads across my lips. 

His words are  a reminder for me to embrace the goodbyes. To accept, to release, to move forward knowing I will always encounter them. It's all life is...we all just meet in the middle of one big long goodbye. 

So small, and so big, isn't it?

Each goodbye teaching you how you will invest your time from here on out, what kind of people are needed next to sooth your soul, or teach the next lesson. With each goodbye, we are one evolution closer to our greatest wisdom. 

The reminder of our inevitable departure from this earth fills me with love, entire. Even when I think back the moments I thought I would die from heartbreak, I find comfort. It's all IN. It all counts. It all happened. It's all OKAY.

It's just life. This is the way it has to be.

One of my favorite quotes comes to mind, "we are all just walking each other home." We are all teaching each other along this blip of a walk, and I am grateful for each of my radically different gurus along the way. 

I am okay with where I am, presently. I can see it, it's almost tangible. Like a dot moving slowly across a line, approaching a finite end. We are all meant to be EXACTLY where we are in this EXACT moment. 

The dot is seeking...moving toward something brand new, and very much earthed.

I look forward to the next goodbye, and the next, and the next...

🖤

August blurbs

A couple of musings from August 16th, the anniversary that wasn't.

one

In 2012, I shattered, entire. As I built myself back over a summer, fall, and winter, I was never more open. The omens were everywhere, and that's when I learned the universe is tailored just for me, as it is for you. 

Relatives who had passed on came to visit me in animal form. The animals were everywhere. There were notes scrawled on the sidewalks, and the walls. I had visions of the child I would one day mother. I had dreams where I traveled from this plane, I saw heaven. 

Never again, have I experienced that kind of connection to the universe. Never again, have I been that earthed.

Maybe I didn't need it. Until now. "I could sure use an omen or two", I've been whispering to the cosmos. 

But I know it requires just as much effort on my part. 

I must not be cloudy. 

I must pay attention. 

I must know it when I see it. 

The visit from my ancestors yesterday was one. 

When you left me, I experienced a dream like those from five years ago. This time it was to be embraced by a real, and equal love. How different.

Today's omen came in the reminder that there are no coincidences, and time is magical.

A chance conversation with a stranger to give me all the right reminders, and to send me on my way...okay. 

two

What I would say to you today, if I could?

Today, I sat where we sat every year. I had to go to our spot, because where else would I go? Buried deep, or not so deep at all, was my hope to see you. To see you had taken the day off. To be here. 

"Your last name is Wride?" Surely someone would say. "How funny, there is a man here with that same last name!"

I wanted to write you. "Please, as someone who was so recently your wife, and love, give me a moment off the record. Please, if there is any part of you, I don't care how small, who doubts this...meet me tonight. If somewhere in there, past ego, past pride, you feel you don't want this, this emotional, financial, mental, devastation of us, meet me. Meet me in the lobby of our spot. 6 pm. The time we said our vows three years ago today. I'll be waiting for you with a glass of champagne. And if you choose not to, please don't use this against me. Please disregard this, as someone who was so recently your wife, and love."

In my minds eye, he he comes. He walks in, wearing his suit. He doesn't want our destruction. He wants to come home. "Yes," I say. But I approach delicately. I ask we just try for a day, or a weekend. It's so fragile. 

And that's where it stops. I can't see further. And I know I am not allowed to ask this of him, although this is my biggest wish. 

Come home, my heart says. Come home. 

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Happy Anniversary

Tomorrow is our anniversary. Three years since the most beautiful day of my life. My beautiful husband cried beautiful tears and spoke beautiful words he'd written, promising to love me forever. There are certain lines that still play in my head.

Today, I am sad. I am on day three of sad. After feeling pretty good for awhile, I'm experiencing a small setback. I am still so confused. I don't understand how one minute a family vacation is being booked, we are talking of purchasing burial plots, I am suddenly told I must have another baby or our relationship is over, then six days later, it's really done.

I told you on the spot I would do anything for you. Yes to anything, yes to everything. You tricked me. Did you mean to? I spent six days agonizing. Searching myself to see how quickly I could have another baby. At my deepest interior I found I could. I caught myself up, up to the immediate yes I gave you. Here I am. Our son is 17 months tomorrow. My hormones have settled. The haze has cleared. I am ready for our baby and my option is gone.

I may never be able to have another baby again, and you took it all away from me. 

So here I am. Sad, today. 

"I still feel like he is my husband, I still feel like I belong to him", I say out loud. I am certain if I try hard enough, I can wish it back into existence. He will reach out. He'll say it's gone too far. He'll be ready to put in the work. To apologize for ever scaring me, calling me names. The weight of this is just too much, today. 

I don't want to go it alone. I don't want to lose my life. My home. My family. I can't see into the future, and that's so, so scary. 

I am outside with my mom, and son. I am swirling inside with my thoughts and my should-haves and can't-haves. I am imagining various timelines for myself. I let myself linger in the one where I am still married to my love. Where we wake up in the same place. Where he comes home after work. Where I am pregnant. Where my time goes to raising my babies. Its a cozy, small life. The small life.

Right then, a breeze blows, and I feel the energy of my female ancestors pass through me. For a moment, I am frozen, chills run though my body. I feel the size and shape of my physical self, the space I take up, and I am more deeply rooted in my being than I have been in months. I am momentarily statuesque. "I can feel my armor", is what comes into my head. I let myself wear it in that moment, it all happens so fast, and I hear them whisper to me loud and clear, "oh no, you are not meant for small. There is big out there. There is big for you." And just like that, they are gone...

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Nowhere to go.

"Grief is just love with nowhere to go." 

I've stumbled upon the perfect quote, and I'm thinking of it throughout the day. I ping-pong between moments of rest, and being seized with sadness. For a minute I think I'm going to be okay, and then my heartbreak is debilitating. 

I can't help but feel this is a monstrous waste. A rash, hurried, angry waste. The depths of what this is are unbearable. I do not want this. I do not want this for me. I do not want this for him. I do not want this for our boy. 

My boy no longer lives under the same roof as his mother and father. 

He will never see us kiss. 
He will never bound into our bed, waking us up early on a Christmas morning. 
He will never sit between us on the couch, watching a Disney movie. 
He will not take another family vacation. 
He will not be given a sibling from the two of us. 
He will never hear us tell the other, "I love you." 
He will not remember how hard it got for the two of us, but also how much love was there. 

All time is happening at once. We are speaking our wedding vows, we are watching our son be born, we are divorcing. Divorcing. And what can I do? What was I to do when I was being taunted with the word, divorce, for over a year? What was I to do, but beg and plead and nearly lose my dignity in the process? Don't leave me. What could I do, if I alone was willing to walk through the fires, to the ends of the earth, to fix anything and everything that came our way? 

What if what came our way damaged me emotionally, mentally, and physically in the process? My appetite vanished, my anxiety mounted, and I questioned my self worth. My worth. To feel unworthy is a scary spot to be. 

But what if I still I wanted to fight for us? What happens when one won't stop fighting, and the other won't start? What's to be done when you're desperate to draw someone out of communication shut-down, and they aren't a willing participant? What do you do when you ask for help for him, for you, for your baby, and nobody answers your cries? 

What if, despite it all, you don't want it to end? 

To end without a fight is such a devastating shame. In these moments, where I can't catch my breath, I am sinking. My love with nowhere to go is suffocating. So abrupt. 

I longed to talk about the depths of motherhood. But depth became off limits. Wasn't this just a season of life? Weren't we just getting back to dates? Planning our first getaway early next year for just the two of us? We had just begun. Barely at three years of marriage. I couldn't even have three, and I would have given every single one I had left. I am forever altered by this. 

How could so much be taken from me? This is a low, low grief. 


And when I see him...how will I ever look at him and not see my husband? I will miss him forever. I will love him for always. I move forward off-kilter, housing something broken inside. 

It is gone. It is all gone. 

Maybe this was never mine to keep. This is not the first time my heart has been shattered by my Great Love. The one who left me behind once for eight months. From that I barely recovered. Here we go again. 

My Great Love who talked of our future up until the moment our lives exploded. My Great Love who tried to leave me so many times. It was inevitable. How many times must I be left, or told I'm going to be left, before I believe it, and act on it as well? How many more days can I stay, scared? Physically, mentally, and emotionally declining? Scared of an anger that my Great Love came with, and one that seems to be amplified by life with me. 

Yet my heart still screams: Stop this! Stop all of this! End it now! Fight for this! This is can't be how our story ends! Don't run away! Look ahead! This shattered life is not for us!

Grief is just love with nowhere to go. I've been broken, but my love stayed intact. 

Thank goodness for our son. Our beautiful, magical son. He is a bit of what was, of what I believe should still be, and all the reason in the world to press on. The brightest spot in my life. The boy who I'm said to love too much. To me, there will never be any such thing as too much. 

Thank god for my capacity to love, and my role as his mother. 

This tiny boy has saved my life. 

Mother's Day

It's a Wednesday morning. Middle of the week. I have a minute to myself, and I notice how present I am. Completely dropped in. I think of eighth grade, when I went away to camp for a week for the first (and only) time. I'll never forget how Wednesday felt. I hated the camp, the kids were rude, and I desperately wanted to go home. When Wednesday hit, I had such an overwhelming feeling that I was stuck. Time was at a standstill and I was trapped in the thick of it. This particular day of the week, smack dab in the middle, felt like a non-day. I was no longer at the beginning, but I certainly wasn't at the end. I was present then too, but years later, the difference is that I no longer want out.

I have a one-year old son. One. I have been made mother for over one year. One. With such a big birthday and with Mother's day approaching again I am swirling with feelings trying to make their way out in the form of words. 

I am now a mother, but I am still so many people. They are all very much alive in me. I am that little girl, heartbroken on a Wednesday, on the outside looking in. I am nineteen. I've just moved to New York City where nightlife will explode open, my heart will be crushed, and my teardrops will be left quite literally on the sidewalks. My passions will bloom, my artistry will grow, and I will leave there a real actor. I am a first grader, hurt by getting my one time-out over a complete misunderstanding, and losing my chance at the end-of-year prize from the treasure chest. I am in my early twenties, years into the wrong story. I change my fate. I meet the man who is designed just for me, we have a child. 

Now there is you, my boy.

You were born, and my soul hit the earth with a boom. Mother. Cracked open, everything fell away. Only my purest self remained. I'd had yet to met her.

You have reframed the universe, and restructured time. I have never been so in awe of a person. You, who upon first glance I thought, "who is this?" Looking nothing like I'd thought. Surprising me at every turn. I don't see much of me in you. You are your own little creature. This makes you even more magical. The Little Prince, and I am the curious one, having landed on your planet. 

You. You are everyone who came before and those yet to be. You, who after the most beautiful delivery suddenly got sick. They said to us, "if this happened 100 years ago, he wouldn't be here." But it didn't happen 100 years ago. Time was kind to us, my darling, and let us meet now. We are here, and I still can't grasp it. That you are mine, for keeps. But I've often felt that way about your dad. Six years since we met and I still have to pause and catch my breath. 

There is simply not time for anything that is not urgent. Or important. For time is liquid gold. If it takes me away from you it has to be worth it. There is no other option. 

You remind me that we are all perfect exactly as is from the second we burst into being. More than ever, I laugh at the labels we draw with the earth and with each other. We are all so much more than human and the silly rules we've made. I want such a much bigger, opened-minded earth for you, my boy. 

I saw you years before I knew you. I felt you close by just before you came to us. 

Life exploded into color when you arrived. I will be forever grateful for you, for making me a mother. For leading me my truest self. Little love of my life.

My boy, who shifted all of my selves into perfect harmony. Who taught me to love time, every second of the existence I've chosen (eternel retour) and even to love every Wednesday.


Previous post:  THE BOY 
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Baby = The death of your relationship.

It hit me me one day that the version of "us" we were pre-baby is gone.

Gone for good.
Gone forever.
Dead.

There's no way to prepare. You don't get to say goodbye.

You only realize it long after the baby is born, when you are reborn as mother, your spouse as father.

Then you must mourn. You must reflect and grieve and reminisce of the days before you were parents. The easy freedom, late nights. Laughing. So much love, that topped out with each other. The days when your world didn't expand so wide, your heart was still on the inside, and your priorities were simpler.

When the baby comes Earth-side, your heart flips outside, and a new love fills you, entire. So much so you almost forget there are others to love, they way you did in your previous life.

Then one day you have a vacation, all three together, nearly 7 months in, and you start to remember. A fever-dream of they way you were. You can start to make sense of it all now that the baby is a little older. The anxiety is less.

This is where your heart starts re-adjusting.

Time has become liquid gold, since you spun into mother. You'd swear it was tangible. You know how to cherish every minute and every moment. You've never been more present, because you understand nothing lasts in a new way.

And the night after you're back at home and the little love of your lives is asleep in the next room, you and your husband entwine in each other's arms. You hold him close. You breathe him in. His hair smells so good. For a split-second, it's just the two of you. You are completely aware of how much you loved him before, but also how much you love him after, now that he's spun into father.

And you're reminded that even after death, the heart just wants to love, so it keeps on loving. It loves right into the next version of you, and your "us", and the next version, and the next. There is still room, and nothing has truly been lost because your love just keeps expanding...and expanding...and expanding...







My very favorite pictures never go up on social media because they feel too intimate. I'm breaking my rule for the first time with this one. There you have it, the two loves of my life:

Progress weeks 21-25!

Yesterday marked week 25. It's time for the next set of progress pictures. To see pre-pregnancy through week 20 (and to read about my experience and feelings so far) make sure to start with this post! I'm still feeling good physically, and haven't been slowed down by pregnancy. I'm feeling my Charlie move quite a bit these days. Matt finally got to feel him move, and has now felt him twice! At my last Dr. appointment she told me how active he is as we were listening to the heartbeat. He has been since the first ultrasound in August. He is hyper!

I'm sad to have missed my photo for week 24. We were out of town for Thanksgiving and I forgot. Progress pictures have turned out to be just amazing to me. The changes happen so gradually, and seeing these week to week show me so much more than living in my body day to day, surprisingly. I haven't had to buy any maternity clothes yet, but I'm sure that's coming soon. I haven't worn anything form-fitting yet, because I'm still not sure it looks enough like a bump (rather than a big lunch) to show it off. So people still don't know I'm pregnant if I'm just out and about in a loose top! 

Being used to your body being a certain size through your adult life, it's definitely strange (and at times very hard) to transform. I keep looking back at previous weeks when I thought I was big, and now it makes me laugh at how crazy I was for thinking that! It really took a long time to start showing much of anything. Three weeks until the LAST TRIMESTER. I'm trying to savor every day before I get huge!

It feels more real every day. I can't believe how much love I feel for my baby already. I can't wait to see him with his Dad, too.

It's yet to be determined if social media will ever see our son, so like I said in a previous post, I won't be sharing his ultrasounds. But man, if you could see how beautiful he is already! I can't help but stare at his pictures all the time.

~DM

Marriage Advice - Top 10

I was recently asked to write something for my husband's cousin to read the morning of her wedding. The ladies in the family compiled notes and advice for her to have as she got ready. I chose to do a simple top ten.

1.)Patience is so important. Gently remind yourself of this from time to time, and continue to grow it.

2.)Remember that you are on the same team, and try to put yourselves in each others shoes.

3.)Listen.

4.)Focus on what’s good. About your partner, and about the relationship. Say it out loud. Tell one another what it is you love, what they excel at, what you notice.

5.)Surprise each other. From a flower, to a favorite candy, to a loving note, to a chore.

6.)Speak up if something is bothering you. Don’t let feelings fester. Don’t try to guess. Just tell the truth, don’t hide your feelings, and talk it out. All feelings inside each of you are valid and should be heard.

7.)Learn each other’s love languages. What is most important to you? To your spouse? Words? Actions? Touch? Read about the five love languages and know yours and your partners. Make the effort to communicate to each other in these ways whenever you can.

8.)Make your home a safe space. Take pride in the place you call home. It doesn’t matter how big or small or decorated or bare. "Home" is made by the people in it, anyway. Speak well of it, keep it clean, and make it a place you want to be.

9.)Don’t let pride or ego stand in the way when it comes to arguing. Don’t keep score. Don’t be the one who has to win for the sake of winning. Don’t let nonsense and trivial issues get in your way.

10. )Focus on the moment. Time goes quickly. Be careful you don’t give too much of yourself to either the past or future. There is only right now. Life together will go faster then you think. Be fully present as often as possible. Savor each phase you’ll have as a couple. Your relationship will grow, change, and be many things throughout your lives together. Be open to your journey, and to growing together.

~ DM

Ten months, four years.

Today we went up to Solitude Ski Resort where we were married last August. Ten months in. When we turned the corner and I saw the spot where we exchanged our vows, my eyes instantly filled with tears. Four years ago this month, we met. I still can't believe our story, and what was in store for us. I've said this before, he is my greatest mirror and guide in this lifetime. With him, I've learned many lessons. While some were incredibly hard, all were needed. His presence has shown light on so much for me. Hard and beautiful truths. I've taken a good long look inward, and I continue to learn. I continue to grow, to become the best me. Loving him has taught me what I want, who I am, how to be myself, live truthfully, and in turn, made me whole. I still can't believe we ended up together, and that he became what I always knew he should be. My husband.


DM

The women we don't speak of.

I've been thinking about this for awhile. This is probably one of the most personal entries I could ever write. The internet and social media is saturated with mommy bloggers. Women posting about their pregnancies, and what they're learning as they set off on the journey of new mom. It's a club you don't belong to until you become a mother yourself. Babies. Toddlers. Everywhere. Women sharing jokes, and advice, and parenting tips among themselves, all able to relate to each other. This isn't hard to find. You're probably a click away from finding one now.

Then there are stories of women who tried to get pregnant, but weren't able to. There are blogs and articles dedicated to infertility. There aren't as many dedicated to this side, but they're out there.

Lately, I've found myself asking the question, "what about the in-between?" There is a group of us who lie in the haze of the middle. The group of women currently trying. We are floating in the grey area, without belonging to one category or the other. It's a strange, anxious, and superstitious place to be. Half of the month you may be sure you aren't. This is either a hopeful or hopeless phase, depending, I've found. More on that in a bit. The next half of the month you are with, and without. You proceed accordingly, but what does that mean? You may treat yourself as though you are, but if you find you're not, it's back to square one. 

This is the hardest place. It's hard not to be frustrated. To scare yourself by wondering if something is wrong. To put pressure on yourself. The emotional roller coaster is constant.

I find it spills over into many aspects of my life. It obviously affects what I eat and drink, but also my mood, and what activity I may choose to do on a weekend. It affects conversations, and how social I may feel. You must dance around your conversations and plans because you don't yet know yourself. You can't plan something months ahead since you have this priority, yet you don't know for sure, and you don't know when. You can't really talk about what you're going through, so you try to adapt as best as you can to this new existence where it all revolves around trying. A couple of weeks of extreme hope, and a couple of weeks of extreme disappointment. How I'm going to behave that month purely depends where you catch me. I'd say sorry, but I'm not. My husband, my well being, and this future family trumps everything. That's why this is hard. 

When you tell someone you're trying, in hopes of some support, you wish you hadn't more often than not. Even other women, and women who are mothers, seem to forget that before they had their babies they too went through this fragile, sacred time. A time that will be short for some, long for others. 

They ask you when. When hurts. It's impossible to know. If only we had control of what month we could get pregnant. What month we'd like a baby to be born. If only. Some know you're trying, but ask when anyway. Some make jokes. Some tease you that you are, or going to be soon, when they don't know what you've embarked on, and what you've already been experiencing. I've already written about the insensitivity of this for YoU Mag (Are you pregnant yet? Page 13) . You don't know your ultimate outcome, and what if (god forbid) you end up falling in the can't category?

Why aren't there blogs or articles dedicated to us? Who live in half hope, half disappointment each month? Who don't yet belong to a can or can't category? Who buy expensive test after test, heart pounding as we wait for the result. Who are dying for this to be the time we get to tell our husband, "I'm pregnant!" Who can sometimes power through, with faith that it's just not our time. But who sometimes spend the day crumbling, fighting back heartbreak, sure it's never going to happen. Those days, and very well the days that follow, I retreat from the world. I feel I have failed. Again.

I know I'm not alone, and I'd sure like to hear the words of others who get it. We're our own club. There is more to it here in the club of trying than I'd expected. It's definitely different than life before. I'm no longer a woman existing as I did before we decided to join.

I am reluctant to write this. This means letting even more people in on my most personal plans. But I'm in the category of women that we don't speak of, so I'm speaking about us. I'd like to meet my others. This is it's own club and I'd like to know where my women are that exist this way each month, emotionally exhausted, and wondering when it's finally going to end. 

~DM 

To my husband, who is everything.

“Everything you do seduces me. All you need to do is breathe and I would do anything for you.”

I never knew love until I met my husband. I didn't know that I didn't know it prior. How could I? I had nothing to compare. I knew I was missing something, but I didn't know what it felt like. Or how it would be different. When I found it, everything was naturally there. Everything that wasn't before. 

I think of him first in all things. I want to spare him any pain. I want to rush to his defense. I want to give up anything and everything if it means he gets something great in return. He would never ask me to, of course. But I've never known this want. This knowing that I would in a heartbeat, should I need to. I want him to go first. I want him to have the last bite. I want him to soar. I want him to succeed. I want him to be happy. I want him to feel loved. I want to create the best environment for him that I can. I want to make him proud. I want to shout form the rooftops how proud I am of him. I want everyone, everywhere, to look at him and stand in awe the way I do. I want each good person I know to know him. I want everyone who does know him to truly understand how lucky they are to get him in their life. I want everyone to agree with me that he is in fact the most talented, the most handsome, and the smartest. I want him to have peace. I want him to achieve his ideas of success. I want to burst and cry whenever I think about how much I love him. I want to freeze time so I can have him forever.


~DM

yoU Magazine

Have you heard about yoU Magazine?
The new creation from powerhouse Nineveh Dinha?
Talk about girl power, talk about inspiration, talk about empowerment! Women supporting women. Yes. More of that, please.

I got to contribute to the latest issue.  And I went there.
Take a look here! Are you pregnant yet? Page 13.

Full article:

Six months ago, I married the love of my life.  The morning after we got engaged and made the rounds telling family and friends our news, I was bombarded with questions.  Who would my bridesmaids be? What colors would I pick? What kind of dress did I want? Did we set a date? Meanwhile, I was just trying to process the fact I was now a fiancé.  I wanted to soak in the night, and the fact that I had just been proposed to by the man I love.  I wasn't anywhere near deciding what kind of cake I'd have! Fast forward through the process of making those decisions and pulling off the wedding of my dreams, settling in over the last half of a year, to the new question that I'm often asked.  The big one.  The, "so when are you going to have a baby?" I'm not sure what my reaction is supposed to be to this, or how most women respond, but it makes me cringe.  It's the quickest way to make me instantly uncomfortable.  I start sweating.  You see, I just don't think this is a casual question.  It's loaded.  It's the most sensitive of topics.  

I usually make a joke and quickly change the subject.  I know that when someone asks this it's coming from a place of excitement, and it seems to be what society has taught us is the natural question to ask a newly married couple.  Just like when you announce your engagement, the next questions are all about the wedding day itself.  

The reason why I get so sensitive, is because it I don’t think people realize it’s asking a slew of personal questions all at once.  Are you and your husband financially secure yet? Are you off birth control? How's your sex life? Are you actively trying? If not now, when will you be? Are you two emotionally and mentally on the same page? Are you tracking your ovulation cycle? When will you be at a place in your career when you can plan for a baby? Is your body ready? Are you prepared for the changes to your body? Have you two experienced enough to know how you’re going to raise, teach and explain the world to a brand new human being? It's also assuming you both want to become parents.  

Maybe it’s the day and age we live in.  Maybe it’s too much media and information overload, but I have witnessed a variety of stories from couples over the years.  I have learned that it’s not always smooth sailing for two people get married and automatically have a baby.  Some get married with no intention to have children.  Some can't seem to be on the same page at the same time.  One might even want one, and the other might not.  

I also know women who have suffered multiple miscarriages.  Women who have chosen to end pregnancies.  Women who have wanted nothing more than to become a mom, only to realize that due to health issues either for them or their partner, there was going to be a struggle ahead.  I've seen women go through rounds of in vitro.  Sometimes it's been a success, and sometimes it hasn't.  I've seen adoptions.  What I’m saying is, I've seen it all.  I've seen far too much for it to be an easily answered questions. 

It’s made me beyond superstitious.  Personally, I was always confused about motherhood.  My mom told me she knew her whole life she wanted to be a mom.  I've always been great with babies and kids, but I didn’t know that motherhood was something I desired.  That is, until recently.  Until I’d had a career for more than a decade, and met the love of my life.  Suddenly I’ve found myself in a place where work seems secondary.  And now that I've found my partner, it makes all the sense in the world.  Actually, and I'm reluctant to tell you this because of how long it took me to discover it, it’s what I want most.  

I’m not sure women can ever change being asked this question, but maybe we can change the way we think about it? Maybe we can approach it with a deeper sensitivity? Or maybe, we don’t ask at all.  But let a new mother to be let us in on the news.  So how do I answer the question, “When are you going to have a baby?” Well, it's a giant unknown.  And it's deeply personal.  I've already let you in on more than I should.  Yes, we want it.  As for the when? Maybe the first try, maybe the fiftieth.  That's between myself, my husband, and our future baby.  Whenever and however it happens.  And it’s only for us. 

Instagram: Deena_Marie
Twitter: @DeenaMarie
FB: Facebook.com/TheDeenaShow

Thanks for reading!


DM

Precipice.

It was spring, 2011. I stood outside of the restaurant on a sunny day, waiting for him. I pretended to be busy on my phone. I remember the dark denim shorts, striped shirt, and maybe even the necklace and hat I was wearing. I waited longer than I expected. You know how that goes, when you are energized and brave from whatever you'd just come from, on a high to go right into the next exchange? Then you find yourself waiting. You must sustain your nonchalance and bravery, but it inevitably starts to wane.

He finally pulled up, and I pretended to just have gotten there myself.  I was as casual as can be. We seemed to be the only ones in the restaurant. But it's possible I am now remembering it wrong. What I do remember was the fact that there was nothing to lose. This was the first time we were meeting outside of the place we knew each other. The place was the gym I went to regularly, and where he worked. It's always daunting to go outside the context of where you know someone for the first time. When I say there was nothing to lose, it was because I was certain of two things. Romance was not a possibility for me, and we'd have nothing to talk about. Not really. Not when it was just the two of us and the safety of the gym had been taken away.

Nearing four years later, I remember four things. That I was never truly sure about ruling out romance, or that I believed we'd have nothing to say. Not down in my bones. That he ordered a delicious vegetarian dish and gave me a bite, and that I have craved it to this day but still haven't gone back to get it. That he was dressed in all black, (and although he will argue with me on this) I was positive he took so long because he tried to find the perfect "I didn't try to hard" clothes. And the last thing (the one I see as clear as if it were yesterday) was the way strands of his long brown hair hung down over his eyes, and the look in his blue eyes as he peeked out from under his hair at me.  He knew his hair hung just that way. I knew he knew it. It was like he was almost posed. A look he'd mastered. He knew just what he looked like, and how to angle his face so his hair would so perfectly and nonchalantly fall. Unreal. I'd never seen a boy do this. But then again I'd never seen a boy so beautiful.

I don't remember how long we stayed, what was said when we parted ways, or how the hikes together started.

I can't remember much, other than that was the beginning of letting a new presence into my life. How can we ever know, each time we do that, just how impactful it might be…or not. Some relationships (both platonic and romantic) don't stick. But how do we know at the precipice of simplicity, at the start of it all, just how life changing it might be?

Go back with me again. It's nice weather. The sun is out. I'm in my denim shorts and striped shirt. I'm pretending to be busy on my phone. I've also put together an outfit that says I didn't try too hard, even though I've made sure my ponytail falls just over my shoulder like so, and my makeup is perfect.

I'm waiting for him. My bravery is waning. Am I nervous? Why am I nervous? Romance is off the table. We'll have nothing to talk about. This will be a one time thing, I'm sure of it. My life has been my life, every day, and every year, and every breath up until this moment.

This is all I know. This is my world.


And it's all about begin.




Thanks for reading,

Deena Marie

~ Insatiable ~

I am an insatiable person. As in:

(definitions)
Impossible to satisfy.
Incapable of being satisfied.
Voracious, wanting.
Not satiable.
Someone who is insatiable can never be full.
It can be used for spiritual as well as physical desires.

In what ways, you ask? In romantic relationships, mainly. It takes a lot to be my partner. In every relationship I've ever been in, I've known I've required a lot from my partner.  While each of them (and there have been four long term) were very different, there are always similarities with what I ask and what I need. This isn't necessarily new information for myself, but it's become clearer. I don't apologize for being me. I apologize if I've hurt you because of how I am. I always want to grow and be a better version of myself. I am aware I can be demanding and draining.

I love love. I love experiencing the kind of romantic love I'm finally experiencing. I am so in love with this love, there can never be enough of it to fill me. "Someone who is insatiable can never be full." Even when I have it, when I have someone who worships me it's never enough. When I have someone who loves me, I want to feel it more. I want to hear it, see it, breathe it, live it, tenfold every second of every day. I want it proven to me moment after moment. Even though I am a wife, it is not done. It is just beginning. It will never be done. More, more, more.

I am how I am, yet I am adaptable. I've experienced changes within me time and time again. I don't believe anyone is set in their ways. To say that and leave it at that is lazy, a cop out. It just takes work. It just takes experience, knowledge, perspective, an opening of the heart and mind.

To those of you who have been my partners, be it years or months, you have been warriors. You didn't know you were coming up against me, loving someone who will never have enough. Some of you battled longer and harder than others. But you were all brave, and all (mostly) gave a valiant effort. Some ran away from it. I was too much. They couldn't do it. Some I left behind. Drained, depleted. Done. For that I apologize. I know loving me is…the way it is. It takes someone special to stick with me. To be the man who will not waver. Who will not run. And even then, when I have you completely, I will push you.

So here we are now. Love of my life. And I find I still want more of you. I want you to give me all of you, in every moment. More, more, more. Yet I know I can't consume you, entire. You must have something for yourself. You must not let me drain you. How do I find a way to satiate myself in this love? How do I let myself rest, and breathe, and accept it? You are it though. Boy, are you it.

You are also the only one who ever pushed me back.  

I have so much love in me. I have so much to give. That's something I've recently learned. How lucky am I? To be made with such a heart. To have the capacity to love someone so fully and then some. The issue is, I need it back.

And then some.
And then some.
And then some.

Even when I have it, it's not enough.

The most insatiable girl in the world, me.


Thanks for reading,

Deena

Above all else.

What is it that you desire above all else? 
What do you hold in the highest regard? 
What one thing do you choose to have, 
if you could only have one thing in life?

For me? Love.  A romantic love.  I've been searching for it for as far back as I can possibly remember.  I'd give it all up for love.  I have always kept close a list of my hearts desires, but one thing would always take the lead.  Love.  I often misplaced it.  I wanted it to be, so I would try my hardest to make it so.  I would "love" instantly.  I'm talking from the time I was barely a teenager.  Maybe younger.  With each one, the goal was to make him stay.  Make him love me.  Make him The One.  So, I forced it.  I labeled it at once and was instantly afraid of losing it.

Why? What did it mean?

I guess the second thing  I've always wanted above all else, is to be loved.  But to feel it from my beloved as truly as I could give it.

I'd never experienced the balance before.  I seemed to love harder, the ones who didn't love me.  I seemed to love less, the ones who loved me most.  But more often than not, I felt it was I who won the game of how much I could love someone without a return.

I have always been full of love.  I have so much in me to give, it runs out of room inside my frame, and soul.  If anything, it has hurt more often than not.

I guess the third thing I've always wanted above all else, is a balance of love.

I wanted love.  To love, to be loved, and the balance.

I'd finally resigned myself to the fact that it wasn't meant for me.  Just when I'd accepted defeat, I won.  I'd be lying if I didn't say I have days when I am terrified I could lose it.  It's just that I've waited so long.  I'd stopped thinking it was possible, let alone that I deserved it.  Sometimes I push and dig and prod and test.  Fear.  It's that thing called fear.

Just like each one that came before was not clung to from a true love, but from fear.

You see, it's just that when you've wanted something more than anything for your entire life, and finally get it, when the other half of your soul finds you and makes with you a whole love at last, when the greatest mirror of your life drops directly in front of you, deeply rooted, with no intention to run, well, it's a lot for a weary heart to take.


~ Deena Marie

The Dress You Marry the Love of Your Life In

How I chose my wedding dress.

The hardest decision for me when planning my wedding was the dress.  I was not the girl who grew up dreaming of what my wedding day would be, or what my dress would look like.  I did not have my mind set on a time of year or style, so when I went shopping for my dress I was completely overwhelmed! I loved just about every dress I tried on.  

I wasn't allowed to take pictures in many dresses, including some of my very favorites, but I did get a few of the first options.

The first image is the very first dress I tried on! I loved it.  I wondered if I'd found it right off the bat.  The third image nearly was the one, and was even on hold for me.  When I try something on, I see the entire outfit.  The hair, makeup, the accessories.  With this one, I would have gone with a Marilyn Monroe inspired hairstyle.  Curled, lots of volume.  No veil.  I loved how flattering the last one was, but for me, it was boring.  The second image wasn't quite it for me, but it was so comfortable.  I liked the idea of wearing something flowy all night, just for the comfort level.  Speaking of flowy, take a look at this one that I liked even better.  

But this one trumped all of the above, and ended up coming in third in my overall search (which took days and hours, by the way).  

I can't even tell you how much I still love this dress.  I saw this one without a veil, and with a big bright purple orchid in my hair.  But.  When the sales woman asked me if I felt like a bride, I automatically and instinctually said no.  

The more I tried on, the more I started to get it.  

If I loved so many, and they were all such different styles, it would have to come down to who I want to be on that day.  

As the search was wrapping up, only two contenders remained.  The dress I ended up getting, and one that I wasn't able to photograph.  Picture if you can, a strapless mermaid dress embellished with amazing beading and lace detail, and a bit of a train.  Incredibly fitted and flattering, and a shade of silver.  It was stunning.  It was sexy.  I was torn for awhile.  I imagined my wedding photos.  What did I want immortalized forever? It wasn't this one.  Sexy is easy.  I needed a dress I couldn't wear to any other event.  

Back we went to try on for a second time the ball gown I couldn't stop thinking about.  I needed something special.  Spectacular.  Classy, classic, and timeless.  I needed to be Grace Kelly for the day. I needed the dress that you marry the love of your life in.  

When I came out in it for a second time, and dozens of dresses later, I knew.  As I stood in front of the mirror, two women rushed over and asked if they could look.  They said they just had to see.  "It's so timeless! You look like Grace Kelly!" One said.  The deal was sealed.  It was magic.  

I tried on veils with it, but they were all short.  I knew this dress called for a long veil.  The line needed to continue, not be cut off in the middle with such a full skirt.  I searched until I found the right one, in the right shade of blush.  

The look I went for on my wedding day turned out to be perfection.  To me.  Because it was just what I wanted.  I chose my look wisely.  It was the dress worthy of marrying the love of my life.  

I can't even believe I got to wear (and get to own) something so beautiful. 

My advice for future brides would be to match the fabric to the season, and to find something flattering to your body type.  Think about the venue, and where the photos will be shot.  Envision it, and go with your instincts.  In the end, ask yourself who you want to be on that day, and you want immortalized forever. And last but not least, rules are made to be broken.  If you feel it's the one, you can't go wrong.

If you are shopping in SLC, the quality, selection, and experience at The Perfect Dress and it's sister store The Brides' Shop are unparalleled.  And believe me, I went everywhere!

Thanks for reading,

Deena Marie 

Where are you going? Here are a few more for fun!

When to leave the one you love.

I came across this article yesterday, The only 8 times it's excusable to leave someone you truly love.   

The 8 conditions listed: 
You're unhappy and it's clearly because of the relationship
The good times are outweighed by the bad
You don't see yourself spending your life with your partner
You have lost trust in your partner
Your partner doesn't treat you the way you deserve to be treated
Your partner cheated on you
You fell in love with someone else
You're not capable of loving your parter the way your partner deserves to be loved.

I was about to repost, but couldn't formulate the sentence or two that would accompany why I was posting.  I realized I needed to think about it a little longer, and tackle it in a blog post instead.  When searching for the article online today, I found another.  10 Ways to Know It's Time to Leave Your Relationship. 

The 10 conditions listed:
Physical Abuse
Verbal/Emotional Abuse, Overly Controlling Behavior
Child Abuse
Financial Abuse
Substance Addictions
Affairs
Different Paths
Lack of Support for Being All You Can Be
Different Needs for Intimacy
One foot out the Door - Fear of Commitment

Before my now husband, I spent years in a relationship.  I'm still learning from the experience.  The why's.  Why I went into it, why I stayed in it, and why I got out of it.  I learned so much and while I want to protect my ex and and keep details private, there's a big part of me that wants to share what I learned in hope I might inspire another woman, or man to have courage to leave a situation that no longer serves them, or their partner.  Staying stuck serves neither, and until you are both free to find your truth, you are existing at half capacity.  When you are truly ready to believe that, when you are ready to set yourselves free, you'll see there was nothing to fear.  It's excruciating, yes.  But necessary.  And guess what? The weight lifts.  The healing happens.  Then comes truth and happiness.

In the first article, I was 4/8.  In the second, 5/10.  However, there is one more I'd like to add that wasn't on either list.  It won't be make or break for everyone, but for some it's reason enough to move on,  and hopefully to a partnership where you feel like an active participant.

You exist in their already established world and routine.

In the end I learned that I didn't need it easy.  I didn't need to move right into a world that was already set in many areas.  The home, the furniture, the decor, and the finances.  Instead, I needed to begin a journey on equal footing,  I wanted to create from the ground up alongside someone.  I wanted someone to budge a little more for me, and inspire me to budge a little more for them.  I wanted room to grow, and to grow together.  I wanted to stumble through it to find the us.

I said goodbye.  To forcing a fit.  To a dynamic that had become anything but a romantic relationship.  To material security.  To a house.  To a car.  To insurance.  To not having to pay for many of the bills.  I jumped.  I set myself free. I set him free, in the only way that I could.  I leapt into my truth and left him to do the same.

This is when it's excusable to leave someone you love.  When your inner voice starts whispering that little word, "go" that eventually turns to a shout, "GO!" It's telling you to go for a reason.  It's telling you that this isn't your fit.  If it's not your fit, how can it be theirs? If you are miserable, how can they not be? And if they don't know that you are, then they are not in tune with you.  And if they are not in tune with you, how much can this truly be the best fit for them?

Sometimes, setting someone free is the most loving thing you can do.

And sometimes, leaving the one you love is not only okay, but crucial.

You're free.  

No option other than to flourish.  

Go.


Thanks for reading,

Deena Marie