Nov 5, 2015


The way life can completely change within only one year is mind blowing. Every so often, an entire lifetime is crammed into just one year. I've only experienced this one other time, in 2012. It's was then and is now, a complete rebirth. Here we are in 2015, with a lifetime having taken place in the last 11 months. And once again, it's leaving me completely and forever altered. Only this time, my life is being added to. Things aren't being taken away from. Everything balances out over time. My year of great loss has lead me to my year of great gain. I'm halfway through my pregnancy. I'm 21 weeks along as of yesterday. The 20 week ultrasound was a game changer. Finding out the gender early (late August) gave us plenty of time for things to sink in. We went from thinking we were having a girl to being so in love with our son that my eyes well up with tears every time I think about him. Which is all the time. I feel it in my bones, this was exactly as it was meant to be. He is exactly who is meant to come to us. This also meant that by the time we had our 20 ultrasound and saw him so clearly, I already knew who was in there. What a change from the first ultrasound two months prior, when I my feeling was overwhelmingly, "who is that?" This time, I knew him. It was a long appointment. One where I felt like I got to spend the afternoon with him. I got to hang out with him. And I know him now. It's taken me to a very spiritual and deep place with him. The most mind blowing this about this, something I never could have guessed would happen, is how it feels to have a soul inside me. It is the most profound, divine, spiritual experience I never knew existed. Another soul. My son's soul is in my body. It is only temporary. We are in the same body for only four and a half more months. For some reason, through this pregnancy, I have not been scared of the pain of childbirth. This was something I feared my entire life. Then I got pregnant, and it just seemed like something I could do. Or I should say, something I was suddenly willing to do. Even more so now. I'll do whatever it takes to protect this soul and bring him to the world safely. Below are pictures of me through January 2015 - now. What transformation. What rebirth. In every sense of the word. He's forever changed me already. 

Jnuary 2015. I'd been sick and hadn't had much of an appetite. I'm not quite this thin all the time.

This is my regular pre-pregnant body. I started documenting at the beginning of the year in hopes that this was the year I'd be pregnant.

My first attempt at a picture to document any changes. I wasn't seeing much yet, but weeks 15 - 17 brought the first of the changes. 

Something's happening!

And to think I thought this was big! This was the last I saw of any abs or hipbones! Bye bye, hope to see you again someday! 

And here we are. A few blogs back I wrote about my fear of losing my pre-baby body, just when I'd come to be a woman who loves and appreciates her body. I find myself having struggles from time to time, but I'm slowly learning to appreciate what my body is capable of. This becomes easier as time goes on and things get more real. Life is pretty incredible. The fact that I'm here at this time, that I met my husband, that he loved me back, that we made a life. It just doesn't get any more powerful than that.  Because we chose to try to (and were able to) have a baby, this specific life is coming into being at this specific time. I am the vessel to bring him here. Because of my specific parents and my mother being the vessel, I get to be here. I want to savor every moment of this, but I also want to see him in person so badly I can't stand it. It's like being little and waiting for Christmas. Times a million.

I have chosen not to share ultrasound photos, because I feel way too protective. I am constantly torn every time I talk about my pregnancy on social media, because so many people I don't know have something to say (it's almost always good), but I feel so private and protective of him, and this time. I'm not interested in unsolicited advice (unless I know, love, and trust you). I'm not interested in the "but just wait until you…" since this is my journey, I am where I am each day, and I am choosing to to savor each moment of my journey at a time. All of this experience is extremely valid, and extremely personal, as I live it for the first time each new day.  I'm torn between wanting to share the things that seemed like such a mystery before I was a mom-to-be, and not wanting to say a word.

We'll see how it goes. 


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