To my husband, who is everything.

“Everything you do seduces me. All you need to do is breathe and I would do anything for you.”

I never knew love until I met my husband. I didn't know that I didn't know it prior. How could I? I had nothing to compare. I knew I was missing something, but I didn't know what it felt like. Or how it would be different. When I found it, everything was naturally there. Everything that wasn't before. 

I think of him first in all things. I want to spare him any pain. I want to rush to his defense. I want to give up anything and everything if it means he gets something great in return. He would never ask me to, of course. But I've never known this want. This knowing that I would in a heartbeat, should I need to. I want him to go first. I want him to have the last bite. I want him to soar. I want him to succeed. I want him to be happy. I want him to feel loved. I want to create the best environment for him that I can. I want to make him proud. I want to shout form the rooftops how proud I am of him. I want everyone, everywhere, to look at him and stand in awe the way I do. I want each good person I know to know him. I want everyone who does know him to truly understand how lucky they are to get him in their life. I want everyone to agree with me that he is in fact the most talented, the most handsome, and the smartest. I want him to have peace. I want him to achieve his ideas of success. I want to burst and cry whenever I think about how much I love him. I want to freeze time so I can have him forever.


~DM

Above all else.

What is it that you desire above all else? 
What do you hold in the highest regard? 
What one thing do you choose to have, 
if you could only have one thing in life?

For me? Love.  A romantic love.  I've been searching for it for as far back as I can possibly remember.  I'd give it all up for love.  I have always kept close a list of my hearts desires, but one thing would always take the lead.  Love.  I often misplaced it.  I wanted it to be, so I would try my hardest to make it so.  I would "love" instantly.  I'm talking from the time I was barely a teenager.  Maybe younger.  With each one, the goal was to make him stay.  Make him love me.  Make him The One.  So, I forced it.  I labeled it at once and was instantly afraid of losing it.

Why? What did it mean?

I guess the second thing  I've always wanted above all else, is to be loved.  But to feel it from my beloved as truly as I could give it.

I'd never experienced the balance before.  I seemed to love harder, the ones who didn't love me.  I seemed to love less, the ones who loved me most.  But more often than not, I felt it was I who won the game of how much I could love someone without a return.

I have always been full of love.  I have so much in me to give, it runs out of room inside my frame, and soul.  If anything, it has hurt more often than not.

I guess the third thing I've always wanted above all else, is a balance of love.

I wanted love.  To love, to be loved, and the balance.

I'd finally resigned myself to the fact that it wasn't meant for me.  Just when I'd accepted defeat, I won.  I'd be lying if I didn't say I have days when I am terrified I could lose it.  It's just that I've waited so long.  I'd stopped thinking it was possible, let alone that I deserved it.  Sometimes I push and dig and prod and test.  Fear.  It's that thing called fear.

Just like each one that came before was not clung to from a true love, but from fear.

You see, it's just that when you've wanted something more than anything for your entire life, and finally get it, when the other half of your soul finds you and makes with you a whole love at last, when the greatest mirror of your life drops directly in front of you, deeply rooted, with no intention to run, well, it's a lot for a weary heart to take.


~ Deena Marie

My wish for you.

My wish for you:
I wish for you to have love.
To keep searching if you haven't found it yet,
and to never settle.
To experience a love that comes easy, 
and not force a fit because you wish it would be so,
or you've told yourself you're running out of time.
I wish for you to follow your truth to love,
because that's where it leads you. 
Every time.
I wish for you to release a love,
if it isn't the right love.
It is a hard and ultimately selfless act
to cut the strings
and free them to seek their love.
I wish for you to love someone more
than you love yourself, or a career.
I wish for you to be relieved, home, made whole, by love.
To be freed and enhanced.
I wish for you to wholeheartedly believe that you deserve love,
that you are perfect and worthy
of love just as you are,
That love is not selfish and does not
have to be conditional.
It should fill you, not deplete you. 
And if it is, and if it does, then it is not IT. 
Keep seeking.
Miracles happen every day. 

Unsettled soul at rest...

I've never been at such a loss for words.  I have tried several times now to sit down and begin to write all that is in my heart.  Filling it up to the brim so that it feels it will burst.  To release what's swirling around so intensely in my soul.  To put language to the newfound happiness that is so strong, it is nearly distracting to me.

I have tried, I have failed.  I do not know these words.

I've never felt so much, so strongly.
These feelings are so new I must still be catching up.

How do I begin to tell you what is? How do I translate this?

I will try.  I will still fail.

I found the other.  Part.  Half.  Soul.  Soul mate.  That belongs with me.  There is only one, and it cannot be denied.  It is nothing like any before.  Or any could be.  Nothing else could be.  Nothing.  It is palpable.  It is nearly visible.  It is a full completion of what wasn't before.  I've never been so internally...right.

I've never had my searching, my yearning, my unsettled soul feel rest like this.

I've never felt that I'm home like this.  I no longer desire to be away.  I think of him first.  The way it should be is now automatically there.  I never knew what I was missing before, only that something was.  He reveals to me only what is essential.  I see clearly the facades of who we think we are, what we do, versus our sweet reality.  I now know the meaning of being grounded.  I see the value.  All that's there is easy.  It would be no other way.  No confusion.  No wondering or questioning of what I could want, what will be.  It's everything.  It's all.  Because it's him.  Because it's me with him.  For the first time in my life, I long for nothing.  I lack for nothing.  I understand what it is to feel strengthened by a love.  So strong.  It should be no other way.

I can't go on in my own words…


* * * * * * * * * *


Earlier this year I found my favorite words.  Ever.  I sent it to him.  I did not post it anywhere.  It was so beautiful it hurt.  I still can't read it without a wave of emotion, and tears rushing up to my eyes.  It is the most stunning thing I've ever read.  I don't know where it's from, I've searched and keep coming up empty.  I wasn't ready to share it yet, but I knew I would eventually.  This.  This is it.  Let this tell you better than I can...

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Thanks for reading,

Deena Marie