How to Ruin Your Life - response

How to Ruin Your Life (Without Even Noticing That You Are)  
By Bianca Sparacino on Thought Catalog 

"You are allowed to figure out what inspires you. You are allowed time, and I think we often forget that. We take the next step, and the next step, and the next step, thinking that we are fulfilling some checklist for life, and one day we wake up depressed. What is it with our need to fast-track relationships? Why are we so enamored with the idea of first becoming somebody’s rather than somebodies?"

I've blogged about this, but I've never said it in these exact words. I wanted to respond to this post that resonated so deeply in hopes others hear Bianca's words, and my words. What she writes about in the blog above is exactly what I would tell my younger self. I regret nothing, as it made me who I am, but with that I can now help someone else learn these lessons earlier than I did, or find comfort or inspiration in these words.

I got caught up living the checklist and not my truth. 

If I go back and read over old journal entries I am blown away by the girl in the pages. She wants acting school in NYC to hurry and be done. She wants to be a success and she wants people to know her name now. She wants love. She wants to be married. She feels like the clock is ticking and there is a deadline and she is panicked. She needs these things to happen and she needs it now. I'm not sure she understands the why behind the wants, but nevertheless, she feels she must hurry. She has her checklist and as she begins to knock each one off, she feels a bit more successful. She is getting it done. She is getting what she wants, right? And by the way, she is so so terribly young. Of course she doesn't know this. She just knows that time is never on anyone's side. She even lists age she is sure she needs to be married by! And by the way, this age is so, so terribly young. 

I knew nothing back then of self awareness. I hadn't dug deep, gotten to know truly and deeply who I was or what I wanted. I had yet to find out what city felt like home, what "success" meant to me in this career, my strengths and my shortcomings, let alone what kind of partner would best serve me. I simply hadn't experienced enough. I hadn't lived enough life. But there is no time to explore the world, your mind, or your heart when you have tunnel vision and only see the list in front of you.

But I had a list. The list gave me a purpose and a focus and I knocked the items off, more often than not so desperate for it that I lived almost always in the future. All that mattered was what came next. 

Fast forward a number of years later. Checklist completed. And you know what was most surprising? I felt young. So, so terribly young. I was. I am. I'd completed my list. I was done. 

I had nothing left on it and I was at the very beginning of the rest of my life. 

Oh shit. And it's in the moments of the biggest "oh shits" we learn and grow the most. I was only starting to dig, to uncover who I was, and what I wanted. I reflected on the choices I had made and I realized that each time I said yes to the next step, I said yes to the checklist, but not always to what was true for me. I'd led myself right down the most unsatisfied, stagnant, and small path I could have.

Suddenly, I had never felt so convoluted in my whole life. It was the scariest, and messiest time. For a couple of years I stayed bound to the checklist. The funny thing was, from the outside, I had it all. But nobody knew my internal journey. Nobody knew what had governed me inside up to this point. I had made a string of choices based on fear. Fear of running out of time, and now I was trapped. I had no plan, no list, to guide me through what happens next. Yet there I was. The boat had been cruising along at a high speed, when suddenly the motor gave out. I was stuck. Still. Feeling the weight of the waves and water now upon me. 

I know I'm not the only one. I know I am describing a lot of people. This is the crucial point. Where you stay bound, or you leave to find what truly aligns with your soul. It took me some time to make the leap, but I chose to do it. I chose to live completely differently. No guidelines, lists, or rules. I jumped. I only knew I had to follow my gut. What I'd done before wasn't working, so I went the other way. The way of the unknown. I started be patient with myself. I started saying yes to the things and the people that lit me up. That made me feel like me. That felt like passion, and joy. 

Everything changed. My relationship status, my home, my car, my jobs, you name it and it was shaken up in all kinds of ways. 

I said yes to the right things for me for once. I tuned in. I finally realized there is no rushing anything, just like there is no forcing a fit. I spent time with men who hurt me, who I hurt, who were mean to me, who were good to me, but who were not it no matter how much I tried to tell myself they were. When I did meet the love of my life (and now husband), it happened much later than my old diary would have liked, but that's ok when you know there is no deadline. Do you hear me? There is no deadline. Hold out. Hold out for anything that you are still looking for to fuel your soul if you haven't found it yet. It's there, and you won't get a chance to see it or live it if you are filling your life with what "should" be, or settling for mediocrity because it's good enough, and you're afraid great isn't out there. 

It is. I promise that it is. Make the space in your mind, life, and heart for it so you can find it. Don't give yourself to the job or relationship that is only okay, because you're scared that its as good as it gets. That doesn't make you an ideal partner, employee, or person, nor is it fair to those around you. Nobody grows up excited to only get so far, only so happy, to choose to live life at half mass. And are you drawn to the people who do live at half mass? Do they inspire you? Do they bring you to life? No. 

This is everything I would have told my younger self. While she was stubborn and wouldn't have listened, maybe now I needed to write this simply as my love letter to her in order to forgive her. To tell her I now understand, and it's going to be okay. 

Going forward all I can say is that fear is so often not real, and it passes. All is temporary. Good and bad. And time is both endless and fleeting. And there is no reason to be in this world other than to live your truth. No one else can do it. You are here, and that is your one job. That's it. Whatever it means, whatever it looks like, whenever it happens. You don't have to look like, or do, or be anything. And you can change your mind. And change it again. Be many things and anything that makes you happy. 

There are no rules. 

Only the boundaries you learn to set for yourself over time. The ones that are authentic to your soul. What kinds of things and people you should learn to say yes to, and should learn to say no to. 

Life didn't begin for me until I set myself free,
and released the "should be's". 
The world cracked open, and it turned out she loved me. 
I loved her back, and I soared. 

You are here to live, and thrive, and shine. 
The more you do, the easier things get. 

Free yourself, the world needs you to. 



DM

The wrong story.

I did. 

It was the hardest and best thing I ever did for myself. At first, it seemed selfish. I was doing this for myself. It wasn't until later that I realized it was a gift in disguise to let other people who were part of the story at that time go. In doing so, I freed them of being trapped in the wrong story as well. Had it been the other way around, I would have wanted to know so I could leave. Wouldn't you? You can't have a healthy whole when half is forcing a fit. 

It didn't start out that way. I simply didn't know better. I had a checklist of things that needed to be done. I made decisions based on a timeline. 

After awhile, something started to nag at me. A gut feeling I tried hard to ignore. I distracted myself and found myself running at a high stress level almost all the time. I would get frustrated in everything. I should be happy, so what was wrong? I kept misplacing my feelings, because I wasn't ready to face them. I didn't know that. I didn't know what was causing this. I just knew something was off. Missing. Wrong. I kept searching, but for what I didn't know. I hadn't yet learned that you should never ignore your gut. 

When I finally found out the cause, when I was finally ready and honest with myself to realize what it was, it was awful. It meant hurting someone else. Hurting someone in order to be true to myself. 

I didn't know how to do it. I made a bit of a mess of it for awhile, and blamed myself for a long time. I lived with a new fear after, thinking I should be and would soon be punished. 

I couldn't see the part where following my heart was a good thing, letting someone go was the right thing, and that it was okay to finally be happy. I wasn't used to the happy and I was on pins and needles waiting for it to be taken from me. I didn't think I deserved it. 

But I had already been living in fear for so long. First of what people would think, then to wonder where I would live, what I would drive, what I'd do with no insurance, then to how awful this would be to hurt another person. A person I so very much cared about.  

But I eventually realized that staying because of those reasons was terrible! It's a terrible thing to live in the wrong story and pretend things are okay. It's a terrible thing to stay because you're scared. It's a terrible thing to live any other way than what is authentic to you.

If you're not living authentically, you're not living. 

The leap was inevitable. It happened in a way I never expected. But when I jumped, the universe rose up and caught me! Some of the things I was worried about came true, but it wasn't as bad as I'd anticipated. And the necessities all fell into place!

Sure I dealt with heartache, with blame, with nearly a year and a half of anxiety and panic attacks. But if that's what it took to get me to my truth, so be it. 

Do I have regrets? I don't believe in regrets.  I believe everything happens just as it needs to to teach us the lessons we need to learn.

Do I feel like I wasted time? No. Nothing can be forced. That's one of the biggest lessons I learned. Nothing can happen before you are truly ready. 

Do I wish I could have spared others pain? Absolutely. 

Would I do things differently? Maybe. Would I change where it led me? No freaking way. 

When I compare where I am now, what it feels like to live in my truth, with where I'd been, I can't explain the feeling that wells up inside me. I know what it's like to live in a world of black and white, and a world of color.

It would blow my mind now that people don't choose to live in only what is true for them, if I didn't understand so deeply the fear.

Not everyone will understand. Not everyone will see your choices as brave. Not everyone will be able to adapt to who you really are. That's okay. It's not for them. You are the one who lives your story, and you know the truth by the way it feels. Even though (and I truly believe this) if we all tried hard enough, we could find ways to relate to each other, and begin to understand. 

I guess I just want to say that there are ways to get though that fear. You will survive it. You will. Even when you really don't think you'll be able to. And that you really are meant to live in truth and peace. It takes massive amounts of courage to be honest with yourself. It's often the hardest thing to do. To truly get to know you, who you are, what you want, and then to proceed accordingly. I wish I could hug everyone who is both struggling in getting to their truth, and those that were brave enough to leap.

The choices are to play pretend, not to live at all, or to be braver than you ever thought possible…and be okay.  Better than okay.  Freaking great. You come out a warrior, and nothing will ever seem as scary.

It's okay to make mistakes.
It's okay to apologize.
It's okay to forgive.
It's okay to forgive yourself.
It's okay to follow your heart.
And not only is it okay, it is necessary. 

Thanks for reading, 

DM

When to leave the one you love.

I came across this article yesterday, The only 8 times it's excusable to leave someone you truly love.   

The 8 conditions listed: 
You're unhappy and it's clearly because of the relationship
The good times are outweighed by the bad
You don't see yourself spending your life with your partner
You have lost trust in your partner
Your partner doesn't treat you the way you deserve to be treated
Your partner cheated on you
You fell in love with someone else
You're not capable of loving your parter the way your partner deserves to be loved.

I was about to repost, but couldn't formulate the sentence or two that would accompany why I was posting.  I realized I needed to think about it a little longer, and tackle it in a blog post instead.  When searching for the article online today, I found another.  10 Ways to Know It's Time to Leave Your Relationship. 

The 10 conditions listed:
Physical Abuse
Verbal/Emotional Abuse, Overly Controlling Behavior
Child Abuse
Financial Abuse
Substance Addictions
Affairs
Different Paths
Lack of Support for Being All You Can Be
Different Needs for Intimacy
One foot out the Door - Fear of Commitment

Before my now husband, I spent years in a relationship.  I'm still learning from the experience.  The why's.  Why I went into it, why I stayed in it, and why I got out of it.  I learned so much and while I want to protect my ex and and keep details private, there's a big part of me that wants to share what I learned in hope I might inspire another woman, or man to have courage to leave a situation that no longer serves them, or their partner.  Staying stuck serves neither, and until you are both free to find your truth, you are existing at half capacity.  When you are truly ready to believe that, when you are ready to set yourselves free, you'll see there was nothing to fear.  It's excruciating, yes.  But necessary.  And guess what? The weight lifts.  The healing happens.  Then comes truth and happiness.

In the first article, I was 4/8.  In the second, 5/10.  However, there is one more I'd like to add that wasn't on either list.  It won't be make or break for everyone, but for some it's reason enough to move on,  and hopefully to a partnership where you feel like an active participant.

You exist in their already established world and routine.

In the end I learned that I didn't need it easy.  I didn't need to move right into a world that was already set in many areas.  The home, the furniture, the decor, and the finances.  Instead, I needed to begin a journey on equal footing,  I wanted to create from the ground up alongside someone.  I wanted someone to budge a little more for me, and inspire me to budge a little more for them.  I wanted room to grow, and to grow together.  I wanted to stumble through it to find the us.

I said goodbye.  To forcing a fit.  To a dynamic that had become anything but a romantic relationship.  To material security.  To a house.  To a car.  To insurance.  To not having to pay for many of the bills.  I jumped.  I set myself free. I set him free, in the only way that I could.  I leapt into my truth and left him to do the same.

This is when it's excusable to leave someone you love.  When your inner voice starts whispering that little word, "go" that eventually turns to a shout, "GO!" It's telling you to go for a reason.  It's telling you that this isn't your fit.  If it's not your fit, how can it be theirs? If you are miserable, how can they not be? And if they don't know that you are, then they are not in tune with you.  And if they are not in tune with you, how much can this truly be the best fit for them?

Sometimes, setting someone free is the most loving thing you can do.

And sometimes, leaving the one you love is not only okay, but crucial.

You're free.  

No option other than to flourish.  

Go.


Thanks for reading,

Deena Marie

Three Times the Charm.

I've been proposed to three times.  That's right.  By three different men.  At three different times in my life, the man I was in a relationship with got down on one knee (or not) and asked me to be his wife.  That means I've had three different wedding dresses.  Three different rings.  Is your mind blown yet?

I've been a little more open in talking about my past relationships in this blog with my last post, and now this one.  The older I get, the more authentically I live.  As in, I just want to be, surround myself with, and seek out the real.  I crave it.  I've also realized there is no such thing as pretending big experiences didn't happen.  Burying it is not sustainable, and you can only pretend to forget, or deny.  And why should you want to? That's the big one.  Everything that happens to you, the good and the bad, is your story.  It makes you who you are.  It alters you, it informs you, and you grow from it.  

This isn't to say I feel my life or my past is anybody's business I don't want it to be. And I've learned that I don't owe an explanation to anyone.  Boom! Power back! But there are some things I'm willing to share.  I've done my work to clear out, heal, and I'd like to give it to you as I approach my wedding day. 

Have you seen the movie, Mr. Nobody? There are three timelines in which he makes a choice, propelling him down a path.  Each one is very different.  In each one there is a different wife.  There are variations on each path, as well.  If you don't chose, everything is possible.  But there's no such thing as not choosing anything, because even nothing is something.  In the end the lesson is that there is no wrong choice.  There are just choices (I've blogged about this concept before).  But there are also some things that simply do seem to be part of our destiny.  

We decide what to do in any given situation based on what we know at the time.  How much life experience we have behind us, how we perceive the world, the type of personality we are, who we are genetically, who we think we should be, etc.  

There is no wrong choice. 

The first time a boyfriend got down on a knee, he had no ring.  He was nervous.  He was shaking.  He was on his way to work at the bookstore.  He took the ring I was wearing (a birthday present from my parents) and moved it to my ring finger, saying to wear it there for now.  He went to work.  I was on my way somewhere, stopped at the train tracks when I called my mom to tell her I was engaged.  Silence, followed by, "Oh."  She wasn't happy about it.  Later, we bought our engagement rings and my wedding band. I bought a wedding dress.  We had a downpayment on a reception center.  He called it off.  I thought I would die.  I survived.  It was back on.  We were going to elope.  It was called off again.  It blurs from here, the cycle of on then off.  It was a long time ago.  It was juvenile.  It wasn't real.  It wasn't to be.  It turned out fine. 

The second time I was proposed to, he had a ring.  He'd picked it on his own.  It was enormous.  Gorgeous.  I don't even want to tell you what it cost.  It was a planned proposal.  It was Halloween.  I remember what I was wearing.  I'm not going to tell you all of the details, because they are mine.  I married him.  We eloped.  Little planning is required for eloping.  No way will I share that day with you.  It's mine, all mine.  We were married for six years.  It was real.  It wasn't to be.  I thought I would die.  It turned out fine.  Except when it wasn't.  And then it was fine again, and then it wasn't.  It blurs from here, the cycle of fine, then not.  It wasn't that long ago.  It wasn't juvenile.  

The third time I was proposed to, he had a ring.  We picked it out together.  It's absolutely perfect.  I look down at my left hand now, and with this one there is no sense of playing house, being unprepared, or wearing a symbol of defiance for my parents' sake.  There is no underlying question when I see my ring deep down (so deep) that maybe this ring is too extravagant, and not quite me.  Gone is the most secret of feelings that I tried to deny and never, ever wanted.  The feeling that getting married was what I thought I was supposed to do at that time.  That the ring felt off, because it represented being trapped in the wrong choice.  

The third time feels like the only time.  The real time.  The conscious choice.  The choice I make as a healthy adult who's been through it.  The self-aware choice to embark on a marriage and a life with this person, at this time, knowing what I know now.  Knowing who I am, and what my strengths and faults are in a relationship. Knowing my deal breakers.  Knowing what it feels like to be loved by good guys and not so good guys.  Knowing what I'm looking for.  Now when I look down at this ring, I see the symbol of what fits me, literally and emotionally.  I'm reminded that I was brave as hell and survived the worst of the worst.  I fought! I refused to settle! By god, there is such a thing as finding the love of your life!

There is no wrong choice.  And boy, this is very much my choice.

And I'm so deeply in love with this choice.

This time, I am freed.  I'm empowered.  I'm enhanced.  Whole, home, real.  

xo

Deena Marie 

The Truth

I'm committed to my truth.  To discovering, to following, and to living my truth.  This hasn't always been the case.  Simply because I didn't know any better.  I didn't know how many layers my truth was under, or how to find it.  I knew I wanted it.  I knew I was unsettled.  I was searching.  But for what? A current of dissatisfaction always running through me.   At times the volume was up and at times it was barely audible. But it was always there.  

The truth cannot be forced.  I've said it before and I'll say it again, sometimes the truth looks different than others want it to.  In the beginning, it might even look different than what you want it to.  But guess what? Your truth is yours and yours alone.  What is true for you is what matters.  Your personal life is yours.  And guess what? It affects nobody else.  And if it "does"? That's because you no longer fit into the role/view/image they've assigned to you, and that's their issue to deal with.  It's not about you.  

You owe it to yourself to be the best, most authentic version of yourself.  I cannot stress that enough.  I.  Promise.  You.  Everything will fall into place around that.  Relationships change around you and so do your reactions.  For the better. 

Again, the truth cannot be forced.  Sometimes it takes years, or the majority of a lifetime (or maybe it never happens) to peel back your layers.  To rid yourself of "what should be".  You can trick yourself.  You can be in denial and not be aware of it.  You can let fear hold you back.  You can stay in a life that's stagnant, small, because your not sure that if you jump that the universe will be there to catch you.

I promise you it will.  A wise friend of mine told me, "the universe will rise up to meet you every time", and it's the honest to god truth.  

Leap.  Just leap.  

Tune in.  Be still.  Be quiet.  When you sense something is off, it's because it is.  When you sense something is right, it's because it is.  No matter how small.  No matter how many times you shrug it off, or explain it away.  This is where we trip up.  This is where we convolute the simplicity of life.  Because we tell ourselves we are a certain way, with a certain role to play, and life must go accordingly.  When things don't "fit" we try to dismiss them.  

Don't.  That's your truth knocking. 

No one can tell you your truth.  They can only tell you their opinion based on the role they've assigned you to their own life / world view.  You owe no one an explanation.  Who is anyone else to tell you what's right or wrong for you? Who is anyone to stop you from growing? From living? From escaping restraints, and falsehoods? 

Finding your truth is a messy, destructive process.  It is not without ramifications.  It is not without hurt.  You will hurt loved ones along the way.  You will break your own heart.  

"You have to keep breaking your heart until it opens" - Rumi

Open it. 

Thanks for reading, 

Deena Marie

Instagram: @deena_marie

twitter: @DeenaMarie

FB: /TheDeenaShow

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What is an Enlightened Relationship?

Below is a snippet taken from a blog titled - The Moksha Express: What is an Enlightened Relationship?  by Laurie Frazier.  Click to read the whole beautiful entry.

I'm not dependent on my partner's physical presence to feel connected.  Because of the relationship and connection we have recognized and consciously created, we *feel* each other through time and space and sometimes lifetimes.  We realize that separation is an illusion - that time and/or distance apart has no bearing on our connection to each other.  

Under this system, I love who you are and I have no need to attempt to change you.  If we no longer resonate, we simply and joyfully go our separate ways.  I have no need to try to control you or own you.

You and I are both FREE to stay or go...there is no binding contract hand-cuffing us together for better or for worse.  All that keeps us together is pure love, interest, passion, peace, harmony.

I invite you to go deep and do the personal work necessary to create amazing, conscious, enlightened relationships.  A few things to remember: 

1.) You must be that which you seek.

2.) The most important enlightened relationship you can have is with yourSelf

3.) It's ALL worth it.

4.) It's a work in progress.

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Thanks for stopping by,

Deena Marie