Jan 21, 2015

Above all else.

What is it that you desire above all else? 
What do you hold in the highest regard? 
What one thing do you choose to have, 
if you could only have one thing in life?

For me? Love.  A romantic love.  I've been searching for it for as far back as I can possibly remember.  I'd give it all up for love.  I have always kept close a list of my hearts desires, but one thing would always take the lead.  Love.  I often misplaced it.  I wanted it to be, so I would try my hardest to make it so.  I would "love" instantly.  I'm talking from the time I was barely a teenager.  Maybe younger.  With each one, the goal was to make him stay.  Make him love me.  Make him The One.  So, I forced it.  I labeled it at once and was instantly afraid of losing it.

Why? What did it mean?

I guess the second thing  I've always wanted above all else, is to be loved.  But to feel it from my beloved as truly as I could give it.

I'd never experienced the balance before.  I seemed to love harder, the ones who didn't love me.  I seemed to love less, the ones who loved me most.  But more often than not, I felt it was I who won the game of how much I could love someone without a return.

I have always been full of love.  I have so much in me to give, it runs out of room inside my frame, and soul.  If anything, it has hurt more often than not.

I guess the third thing I've always wanted above all else, is a balance of love.

I wanted love.  To love, to be loved, and the balance.

I'd finally resigned myself to the fact that it wasn't meant for me.  Just when I'd accepted defeat, I won.  I'd be lying if I didn't say I have days when I am terrified I could lose it.  It's just that I've waited so long.  I'd stopped thinking it was possible, let alone that I deserved it.  Sometimes I push and dig and prod and test.  Fear.  It's that thing called fear.

Just like each one that came before was not clung to from a true love, but from fear.

You see, it's just that when you've wanted something more than anything for your entire life, and finally get it, when the other half of your soul finds you and makes with you a whole love at last, when the greatest mirror of your life drops directly in front of you, deeply rooted, with no intention to run, well, it's a lot for a weary heart to take.

~ Deena Marie

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