Apr 25, 2015

The wrong story.

I did. 

It was the hardest and best thing I ever did for myself. At first, it seemed selfish. I was doing this for myself. It wasn't until later that I realized it was a gift in disguise to let other people who were part of the story at that time go. In doing so, I freed them of being trapped in the wrong story as well. Had it been the other way around, I would have wanted to know so I could leave. Wouldn't you? You can't have a healthy whole when half is forcing a fit. 

It didn't start out that way. I simply didn't know better. I had a checklist of things that needed to be done. I made decisions based on a timeline. 

After awhile, something started to nag at me. A gut feeling I tried hard to ignore. I distracted myself and found myself running at a high stress level almost all the time. I would get frustrated in everything. I should be happy, so what was wrong? I kept misplacing my feelings, because I wasn't ready to face them. I didn't know that. I didn't know what was causing this. I just knew something was off. Missing. Wrong. I kept searching, but for what I didn't know. I hadn't yet learned that you should never ignore your gut. 

When I finally found out the cause, when I was finally ready and honest with myself to realize what it was, it was awful. It meant hurting someone else. Hurting someone in order to be true to myself. 

I didn't know how to do it. I made a bit of a mess of it for awhile, and blamed myself for a long time. I lived with a new fear after, thinking I should be and would soon be punished. 

I couldn't see the part where following my heart was a good thing, letting someone go was the right thing, and that it was okay to finally be happy. I wasn't used to the happy and I was on pins and needles waiting for it to be taken from me. I didn't think I deserved it. 

But I had already been living in fear for so long. First of what people would think, then to wonder where I would live, what I would drive, what I'd do with no insurance, then to how awful this would be to hurt another person. A person I so very much cared about.  

But I eventually realized that staying because of those reasons was terrible! It's a terrible thing to live in the wrong story and pretend things are okay. It's a terrible thing to stay because you're scared. It's a terrible thing to live any other way than what is authentic to you.

If you're not living authentically, you're not living. 

The leap was inevitable. It happened in a way I never expected. But when I jumped, the universe rose up and caught me! Some of the things I was worried about came true, but it wasn't as bad as I'd anticipated. And the necessities all fell into place!

Sure I dealt with heartache, with blame, with nearly a year and a half of anxiety and panic attacks. But if that's what it took to get me to my truth, so be it. 

Do I have regrets? I don't believe in regrets.  I believe everything happens just as it needs to to teach us the lessons we need to learn.

Do I feel like I wasted time? No. Nothing can be forced. That's one of the biggest lessons I learned. Nothing can happen before you are truly ready. 

Do I wish I could have spared others pain? Absolutely. 

Would I do things differently? Maybe. Would I change where it led me? No freaking way. 

When I compare where I am now, what it feels like to live in my truth, with where I'd been, I can't explain the feeling that wells up inside me. I know what it's like to live in a world of black and white, and a world of color.

It would blow my mind now that people don't choose to live in only what is true for them, if I didn't understand so deeply the fear.

Not everyone will understand. Not everyone will see your choices as brave. Not everyone will be able to adapt to who you really are. That's okay. It's not for them. You are the one who lives your story, and you know the truth by the way it feels. Even though (and I truly believe this) if we all tried hard enough, we could find ways to relate to each other, and begin to understand. 

I guess I just want to say that there are ways to get though that fear. You will survive it. You will. Even when you really don't think you'll be able to. And that you really are meant to live in truth and peace. It takes massive amounts of courage to be honest with yourself. It's often the hardest thing to do. To truly get to know you, who you are, what you want, and then to proceed accordingly. I wish I could hug everyone who is both struggling in getting to their truth, and those that were brave enough to leap.

The choices are to play pretend, not to live at all, or to be braver than you ever thought possible…and be okay.  Better than okay.  Freaking great. You come out a warrior, and nothing will ever seem as scary.

It's okay to make mistakes.
It's okay to apologize.
It's okay to forgive.
It's okay to forgive yourself.
It's okay to follow your heart.
And not only is it okay, it is necessary. 

Thanks for reading, 


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