The wrong story.

I did. 

It was the hardest and best thing I ever did for myself. At first, it seemed selfish. I was doing this for myself. It wasn't until later that I realized it was a gift in disguise to let other people who were part of the story at that time go. In doing so, I freed them of being trapped in the wrong story as well. Had it been the other way around, I would have wanted to know so I could leave. Wouldn't you? You can't have a healthy whole when half is forcing a fit. 

It didn't start out that way. I simply didn't know better. I had a checklist of things that needed to be done. I made decisions based on a timeline. 

After awhile, something started to nag at me. A gut feeling I tried hard to ignore. I distracted myself and found myself running at a high stress level almost all the time. I would get frustrated in everything. I should be happy, so what was wrong? I kept misplacing my feelings, because I wasn't ready to face them. I didn't know that. I didn't know what was causing this. I just knew something was off. Missing. Wrong. I kept searching, but for what I didn't know. I hadn't yet learned that you should never ignore your gut. 

When I finally found out the cause, when I was finally ready and honest with myself to realize what it was, it was awful. It meant hurting someone else. Hurting someone in order to be true to myself. 

I didn't know how to do it. I made a bit of a mess of it for awhile, and blamed myself for a long time. I lived with a new fear after, thinking I should be and would soon be punished. 

I couldn't see the part where following my heart was a good thing, letting someone go was the right thing, and that it was okay to finally be happy. I wasn't used to the happy and I was on pins and needles waiting for it to be taken from me. I didn't think I deserved it. 

But I had already been living in fear for so long. First of what people would think, then to wonder where I would live, what I would drive, what I'd do with no insurance, then to how awful this would be to hurt another person. A person I so very much cared about.  

But I eventually realized that staying because of those reasons was terrible! It's a terrible thing to live in the wrong story and pretend things are okay. It's a terrible thing to stay because you're scared. It's a terrible thing to live any other way than what is authentic to you.

If you're not living authentically, you're not living. 

The leap was inevitable. It happened in a way I never expected. But when I jumped, the universe rose up and caught me! Some of the things I was worried about came true, but it wasn't as bad as I'd anticipated. And the necessities all fell into place!

Sure I dealt with heartache, with blame, with nearly a year and a half of anxiety and panic attacks. But if that's what it took to get me to my truth, so be it. 

Do I have regrets? I don't believe in regrets.  I believe everything happens just as it needs to to teach us the lessons we need to learn.

Do I feel like I wasted time? No. Nothing can be forced. That's one of the biggest lessons I learned. Nothing can happen before you are truly ready. 

Do I wish I could have spared others pain? Absolutely. 

Would I do things differently? Maybe. Would I change where it led me? No freaking way. 

When I compare where I am now, what it feels like to live in my truth, with where I'd been, I can't explain the feeling that wells up inside me. I know what it's like to live in a world of black and white, and a world of color.

It would blow my mind now that people don't choose to live in only what is true for them, if I didn't understand so deeply the fear.

Not everyone will understand. Not everyone will see your choices as brave. Not everyone will be able to adapt to who you really are. That's okay. It's not for them. You are the one who lives your story, and you know the truth by the way it feels. Even though (and I truly believe this) if we all tried hard enough, we could find ways to relate to each other, and begin to understand. 

I guess I just want to say that there are ways to get though that fear. You will survive it. You will. Even when you really don't think you'll be able to. And that you really are meant to live in truth and peace. It takes massive amounts of courage to be honest with yourself. It's often the hardest thing to do. To truly get to know you, who you are, what you want, and then to proceed accordingly. I wish I could hug everyone who is both struggling in getting to their truth, and those that were brave enough to leap.

The choices are to play pretend, not to live at all, or to be braver than you ever thought possible…and be okay.  Better than okay.  Freaking great. You come out a warrior, and nothing will ever seem as scary.

It's okay to make mistakes.
It's okay to apologize.
It's okay to forgive.
It's okay to forgive yourself.
It's okay to follow your heart.
And not only is it okay, it is necessary. 

Thanks for reading, 

DM

The Truth

I'm committed to my truth.  To discovering, to following, and to living my truth.  This hasn't always been the case.  Simply because I didn't know any better.  I didn't know how many layers my truth was under, or how to find it.  I knew I wanted it.  I knew I was unsettled.  I was searching.  But for what? A current of dissatisfaction always running through me.   At times the volume was up and at times it was barely audible. But it was always there.  

The truth cannot be forced.  I've said it before and I'll say it again, sometimes the truth looks different than others want it to.  In the beginning, it might even look different than what you want it to.  But guess what? Your truth is yours and yours alone.  What is true for you is what matters.  Your personal life is yours.  And guess what? It affects nobody else.  And if it "does"? That's because you no longer fit into the role/view/image they've assigned to you, and that's their issue to deal with.  It's not about you.  

You owe it to yourself to be the best, most authentic version of yourself.  I cannot stress that enough.  I.  Promise.  You.  Everything will fall into place around that.  Relationships change around you and so do your reactions.  For the better. 

Again, the truth cannot be forced.  Sometimes it takes years, or the majority of a lifetime (or maybe it never happens) to peel back your layers.  To rid yourself of "what should be".  You can trick yourself.  You can be in denial and not be aware of it.  You can let fear hold you back.  You can stay in a life that's stagnant, small, because your not sure that if you jump that the universe will be there to catch you.

I promise you it will.  A wise friend of mine told me, "the universe will rise up to meet you every time", and it's the honest to god truth.  

Leap.  Just leap.  

Tune in.  Be still.  Be quiet.  When you sense something is off, it's because it is.  When you sense something is right, it's because it is.  No matter how small.  No matter how many times you shrug it off, or explain it away.  This is where we trip up.  This is where we convolute the simplicity of life.  Because we tell ourselves we are a certain way, with a certain role to play, and life must go accordingly.  When things don't "fit" we try to dismiss them.  

Don't.  That's your truth knocking. 

No one can tell you your truth.  They can only tell you their opinion based on the role they've assigned you to their own life / world view.  You owe no one an explanation.  Who is anyone else to tell you what's right or wrong for you? Who is anyone to stop you from growing? From living? From escaping restraints, and falsehoods? 

Finding your truth is a messy, destructive process.  It is not without ramifications.  It is not without hurt.  You will hurt loved ones along the way.  You will break your own heart.  

"You have to keep breaking your heart until it opens" - Rumi

Open it. 

Thanks for reading, 

Deena Marie

Instagram: @deena_marie

twitter: @DeenaMarie

FB: /TheDeenaShow

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