Sep 29, 2011

My New York Diaries - Part 29

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Jan 22

"...something else that's been on my mind, deceit. So here is the Old Flame. Head over heels for me. Writing me these e-mails that just keep topping the last ones. They sound like wedding vows...

...but here is the Old Flame, obviously he thinks I feel the same way about him. I don't say nearly as much back to him, but I guess because I kissed him while he was here and once I kissed him so he'd shut up. I love that he's back in my life. I hope he always is. He's someone I always want to know. I want him for a best friend. I don't think anything more. But he thinks I'm into him and here I am, very seriously into someone else. Very wrapped up in something very real for me and I think on some level it's very real for The Guy since he didn't walk away...

...I don't think I'm being deceitful. I mean, on purpose. I don't think I'm a bad person. In a lot of ways I think I'm a good and pure person. But if it's so easy for me to do this, are they all doing it to? But I then I think how being with The Guy but kissing other guys means absolutely nothing to me...

...I find as I get older I get a little more cynical. A little more let down. This is something I vowed not to lose - ever - since grade school. It's very confusing, the lines between youth and adulthood, optimism and pessimism, fantasy and real life...

...I'm determined not to become jaded. Ideas and ideals can and do change, but I want to make a clear distinction between what is true and what is settling. The other day my mom was saying things my aunt Lydia had been saying about how lucky I am, how she wishes she was doing all that I'm doing, I get to go back and forth between SLC and NYC blah blah blah. If she only knew. If she only knew! Is there something I'm missing here?

...this whole experience with The Guy kinda shook me out of the weirdness I was building around it. I was getting too focused in, too narrow, pinpointing anything ad. So jealous. I existed too much for him and put a semester of school on the back burner. I got a lot of confidence back when I went to SLC, I'm wanting to work harder again. I don't care about the label anymore. I don't want to get caught up in that pettiness when now I see that actions definitely speak louder than words with him. It is what it is. I know it. I can feel it. With my head clearer I see more of who he is and why he's about what he's about. Patience..."

Jan 30

"Jenny and [her boyfriend[] are apparently doing very well. She said something today about how perfect it all is. She's missing everything but a rock...

...marriage does scare me shitless, but I'm getting ready to find that...

...I've never been practical, but I hope to always take the frantic, whirlwind, confusion of the one who makes me weak in the knees rather than the safety net. The Guy has quite the affect on me. He leaves me absolutely addicted and drained and captured and yearning and wanting and frustrated. 'That which nourishes me also destroys me.' "

February 10

"...I'm supposed to be memorizing but all I want to do is write. I wonder more often than not lately if I should not be with The Guy anymore. I just wonder if this is how it's supposed to be. If it's really supposed to be that hard. If I spend more time in torment rather than that the chaotic love I've always dreamed of? Crazy, tormented love? Because it's not much fun. I'm trying hard to listen to my instincts. If I'm constantly feeling up in the air and suspicious and unsatisfied, is there a reason? Or is it in my head? For everything he says or does to take away a security or a happiness, he'll do another do make me stay. Why do I stay? What is it I can't walk away from? I don't even know anymore. Is it because [he had lost his mother a few years back] he keeps me at a distance? Will he never get attached? And is there a woman out there who can handle that?"

And then there was my living situation. A big misunderstanding happened and things were going from bad to worse. My teacher, Tucker, was dating a former student who now worked at the front desk. Even though he had to have been in his early thirties and she was probably mid twenties, it seemed so grown up to me. An older man, a teacher. Dating a former student? Wow. It was foreign for me but I got so used to them as a couple that when they broke up at the end of the year, that blew my mind even more. Then I heard another teacher, the girl who had been an understudy and performer in The Donkey Show was now apparently seeing Steve (who'd hooked me up with the manhattan apartment) and it was hush hush. I heard this news from Jenny, who'd seen them in the park together, looking cozy. By this point I wasn't all that surprised by hearing these kind of things and I really didn't care or think twice about it. One night I was out with Jenny and Charles and she jokingly said something about Steve and the teacher. Charles was good friends with Steve and when she said that, his eyes looked like they were about to pop out of his head. I felt a pang of worry, not wanting Charles to think I was gossiping about them, but laughed it off and changed the subject. Soon after, my roommate Liz who owned the apartment came knocking on my door. She had a lengthy letter from Steve going on and on about how terrible it was that she'd told me about he and the teacher. Oh god, here we go. Obviously she'd said nothing, and now things were getting messy. I can only guess Charles told Steve that Jenny and I knew, and naturally Steve would think Liz had told me rather than he plain got seen in the park. Turns out, he had told Liz he was seeing the teacher. Now Liz was standing in my doorway, confirming it. I wanted to cover my ears, I'm not hearing this! Looking back on it, it was funny that it was such a secret, because everyone kinda knew anyway. Unfortunately this would prove to be a drama we'd never recover from. I was now somehow involved in a he said she said that I didn't want to be. Steve would now keep me at arms length and it would only start the ball of awkward between Liz and I. For some reason, seeds of doubts were planted all around. Oh god. Would I seriously need to think about moving...again?

Part 1:
Part 2:
Part 3:
Part 4:
Part 5:
Part 6:
Part 7:
Part 8:
Time to Press Pause:
Part 9:
Part 10:
Part 11:
Part 12:
Part 13 (with an extra shot)
Part 14:
Part 15:
Part 16:
Part 17:
Part 18 (September 11th)
Part 19:
Part 20:
Part 21:
Part 22:
Part 23:
Part 24:
Part 25:
Part 26:
Part 27:
Part 28:

No comments:

Post a Comment