Sep 21, 2011

My New York Diaries - Part 23

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

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I kissed another boy. Maybe you're thinking it was The Star? Nope. I hadn't even seen The Star since Jenny and I had gone to see him play softball in the park, shortly after the night of his birthday. All the plans we'd made the night of his birthday had fallen to the wayside because it was obvious my heart was elsewhere. But I still had to self preserve.

"...While I'm leaving these demons on the page - which is a very good idea, I think - let me get out that I kissed another boy. Like two days after Thanksgiving. His name was Random Boy and he was twenty five. Jenny kissed his friend. It was at Charles and Oscars housewarming party [Charles, his on again / off again girlfriend and Oscar were now roommates at a new place in Washington Heights] which was an absolutely ridiculous drama filled night. I gave Random Boy my number. He called twice. I broke plans. No plans or desire now to see him. But not forever. He was such a nutcase I'll probably call him up one night and have him meet up with me to entertain me and my friends."

He looked a little like my old friend from home, Rob. Rob who I'd had such a hard time leaving at the beginning of this NYC journey and who I'd missed so much. He was becoming more like a distant memory. A friend from the past. I think the fact Random Boy looked a little like Rob had something to do with it. But more than that, it was me thinking I was protecting myself. The Guy wouldn't tell me we were committed so I wanted to show myself that I could still do whatever I wanted. I could keep my options open and I could get some ammo in case I were to need it. I was so worried that The Guy would be in a position to do just this...kiss someone else...and it would kill me. So I wanted to do it first. But kissing someone else wasn't really what I wanted, and I never saw or spoke to Random Boy again.

Charles and his on again off again girlfriend living together turned out to be a disaster. Charles was awesome...if you weren't dating him. In his relationship he was bat shit crazy. Jenny, Oscar and I witnessed screaming, crying, door slamming, running out of the apartment kind of drama. They were a bad combination and poor Oscar was living in the middle of it.

There was only a little time left at school now before I'd be going back home for christmas vacation. I hadn't missed school again. We were working on something that all the second years do, called the "Through Line". This was a lengthy scene you were assigned by the instructors to work on all year. They chose your partner as well. Once again, it was interesting to see how they see you, what they want to see from you and how they'd cast everyone. I fell in love with mine, playing the title role in "Electra". I really liked this project. There was always more to do. One of my favorite things was to choose the piece of music that fit the story to me, and use it with my scene partner (the girl playing Electra's sister Chrysothemis) in a physical improv in a movement class. Music and movement I'd found were invaluable and magic to my acting. My song was "Deliver Me". I couldn't have found it more perfect for my Electra.

*Song is posted at the end of this entry

The beginning of the new year would bring a showcase and the scene assigned to me was from "Leaving Las Vegas". I read it and thought it was absolutely beautiful. The end was so sad to me. I was heavy and emotional when I finished the script. My partner would be Steve. I was pleased with what I'd been assigned and with my scene partners.

We'd also all soon be hearing what our final, full length play would be. I couldn't wait.

But with just a few days left in NYC before the break, I wanted to see The Guy as much as I could.

December 2

"...One year ago today I was in a stairwell with a boy named The Guy. One year later we're waking up together, having our coffee, dying his hair. I never write about him. Really write about him. So one year to the date of our first kiss I will try. I got him to go to 'Moulin Rouge' on wednesday. It didn't start off perfectly the way I'd envisioned. We went out to eat and he was talking about an ex girlfriend whom he'd lived with when he was 18 or 19. She met him, 'lot's of chemistry', whatever. She ends up moving in, both their 'socks in the same drawer', etc. Later on down the road she tells him she has a miscarriage. He says he never knows if it was true or not. WHAT?! So he said from then on he spoke his mind and hated labels. Lately he talks about other women, famous or random women who he thinks are sexy and it only adds to my insecurities. He thinks every other woman is hot. I keep reminding myself that his ex wasn't cute and I'm much cuter.

*His type seemed to be dark haired, badass, gothic beauties. Something that seemed so different from me. The ex mentioned (who I'd only seen in pictures) was not at all that type. Light hair and average. I felt in the middle. What category did I fit into? Did he find me as beautiful as the girls he flat out said were beautiful? Or was I the other kind of beautiful? The kind that got to be in a real relationship with him?

Anyway, I hate to hear these things, and it was on 'Moulin Rouge' day! So we watch the movie and I cry (the eleventh time I've seen it). I just wish we'd been holding hands or something. Then we sit through the credits. I didn't have to ask him to, which was nice. Later - fast forward to when we're in bed - and it's 'Moulin Rouge' day for gods sake and I feel like he doesn't want to kiss me. So I start pouting and turn away, like I've been doing because I have this built up resentment to him because of the label issue. Anyway, he puts his head really close to mine and nothing happens. "What are you thinking?" He asks. "Nothing", I reply. "You're lying", he tells me, "You're funny". I ask, "Why? Tell me why?" He responds, "Not until you tell me what you're thinking first." Silence. "Why didn't you kiss me just now?" Moral of the story it was all about him wanting to see if I'd make the first move. I told him I had thought he didn't want to kiss me...

...[later] he says, (quoting 'Moulin Rouge') "Did you think life wasn't wonderful now that you're in the world?" WHAT?! "What did you say?" He continued, "cause his life is damn wonderful now that you're in the world." I wanted to cry. I felt weird all the next day. I 'm so torn up. I start concentrating on the negative, the jealousy takes over and I can't stop thinking about his exes or other girls out there. I create these scenarios in my head. I've got to stop dwelling on the bullshit or I'll wreck the best thing that's ever happened. I'm completely torn, split in two when it comes to him. Half of me says this is it, bus stops here. Since day one I saw him and he's the guy. I think I might love him, or am falling in that direction. I just want to be with him, could very well spend the rest of my life with him. On the other hand I think, how can I wait this out? How can I keep letting it be all about him? Biting my tongue, biding my time? Not speaking my mind for fear of ruining it. These extreme highs or lows. And somewhere in the middle I tell myself to be patient, not to fuck it up, not to be that girl. To be myself more. I keep thinking how he's staying with me. We've had some shit. He's seen me cry. He's had to say, "I don't want to lose you". Words I've heard before, but never gotten passed. So I almost get angry. Why? Why is he sticking by me? *I keep expecting him to fade (reference to a poem, posted in it's entirety at the end of blog)...Jesus I do have an obsession with love. Why do I want it so badly? What happens if I'm free? Maybe for two weeks in Utah I'll see..."

And once again, life was about to take a very unexpected turn. I never could have imagined what was about to happen in those two weeks, and back home in SLC of all places!

Someone was about to come back into my life...and ultimately change it forever.

"Deliver Me" by Sarah Brightman

*I Keep Expecting You To
a poem by Jewel that I have had memorized for years, before I even moved to NYC

keep expecting you
to fade
to wake up one morning
and not care
so I
keep myself
one carefully measured step away
in anticipation
of your love's decline

so when your check turns
and you attention
my heart will not be left
all awkard
from an elastic thread
you forgot to pull off
your old pair of socks

for it's in your nature to
lose interest suddenly
we are both artists
who suck the marrow out
of each lovely bone

It just happens to be
my lovely bones
this time

How Bare

Part 1:
Part 2:
Part 3:
Part 4:
Part 5:
Part 6:
Part 7:
Part 8:
Time to Press Pause:
Part 9:
Part 10:
Part 11:
Part 12:
Part 13 (with an extra shot)
Part 14:
Part 15:
Part 16:
Part 17:
Part 18 (September 11th)
Part 19:
Part 20:
Part 21:
Part 22: