I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!
*All names are changed
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"So, picking up where we left off...it's getting fuzzy to me at this point. But we talked. We were able to talk. Seriously, rationally. We ended up going to [champagne bar] right across from Ty's restaurant. Finally we were alone. We walked down there arm in arm. He asked about the Old Flame and if I'd heard from "that guy". And when I said I was going back to Utah, he asked if it was to see "that guy". I told him we were still talking and he writes me [emails]. Anyway, we're drinking lots of champagne. I've had a sneaking suspicion he's slept with [more girls than he'd let on] and cheated before. So later in the night I ask. He's slept with more than he can count at this point but he guesses [double the number he'd told me before]. He said he cheated on the Ex Girlfriend with her best friend. He was saying he just didn't have a connection with the Ex Girlfriend. He said she knew he cheated. I was finding out she really was never the threat I thought, which made more sense.
This turned out to be the weirdest night ever. He was saying some fucked up things. It sounded like he was having an identity crisis. He was talking about going to visit the Ex Ex Girlfriend in LA, buying a suit to "schmooze" in, and trying to be "the guy" that he used to be. The one that "had men and women falling all over him." Full of I guess, "charm, charisma, personality." He was saying he needs to get that back. I felt like I said all the right things that night. I don't know if I did or not, but I did for that moment. I told him it sounded like he wanted to be fake. I told him he should ask me what I see in him sometime. That I wouldn't tell him, then. I asked him at one point, "are we gonna be okay?" And he said gently, "we'll be okay, I just need some space." He got up a couple times and both times this man ran over to me trying to get my number. I gave it to him the second time and he asked what the point was of being out with The Guy. He never called. One point - him.
Come to find out this night, The Guy and *Little Actress did have a something once but she was "too weak" for him.
*Little Actress was a year ahead of me and in class with The Guy. I remember seeing her in a scene from "Hamlet" and she was fantastic. She was very petite and had a shaved head. Her face was absolutely stunning. I know her and the guy were friends and I felt a little threatened by her. A few times when they'd hung out or talked on the phone I was worried about it and always wondered if something had gone on.
I was seeing weakness in him for the first time and I felt myself growing more and more confident. He was talking in oxymorons. No relationship, blah blah but then he's like, "I'm getting old. I'm so old, I gotta start thinking about marriage and fatherhood." He said he wants a wedding in Greece, in an old theatre. I thought that was the most beautiful thing I'd ever heard. I am still wondering if it's his own dream or a dream with someone else. Anyway, to my surprise we end up going home together. Ty meets us, exhausted, but seems to like me more than ever. Maybe he thought all was well. So once we're in the cab, he puts his arm around my waist. We get back and sit and talk to Ty for awhile. Ty goes to bed. We kiss and go in his room...
...we get up, ride the subway, but he's not making an effort to keep a conversation with me whatsoever. He wont even stand near me. I make the mistake of asking him to a movie on tuesday. He looks at me smiling like, "you know that's not going to happen." He does kiss me goodbye. And that's that. This next little bit, this waiting, was the worst few days, well almost week, ever. It was an absolute eternity. At first I felt empowered by seeing him weaken. I felt fierce and doted on and carless the first two days or so. Then as time went on I just wanted to forgive and forget and take back the awful night and be with him. I couldn't imagine my life without him suddenly. I wasn't ready for this. I thought he was out of my life. I didn't know how I was going to handle this. I thought I had ruined everything I'd worked so hard for. I had made up my mind for him that he was never going to call me again.
Lynne left Ty a message, saying we'd be at the show thursday. I was getting more and more paranoid about this. I thought it might be too soon. Then wednesday night Jenny and I went to a movie. [She slept over at my place] We had crazy dreams that night. I dreamt of The Guy out on a date, drinking wine. Toasting, clinking glasses, getting to know a new girl. We're on the phone and I ask him if he's on a date and he says yes but that he and I will remain "good friends". It's a girl he met on Ty's show. So I wake up the day of the show with a sinking feeling. I feel the most negative yet. I am sure it will be a disaster, I wake up in tears. I'm completely at a loss. All signs point to no. Even last night, that song that says, "how's it gonna be when you don't know me anymore" came on. I haven't heard it in years. It's been in my head and what are the odds it would play? So then I get up and to go a rehearsal. I'm having my coffee [where I always had coffee and lunch by ATC] when my phone rings with a message. I'm expecting it to be my director with rehearsal info. But it's The Guy. And it's good. And he's saying he hopes to see me at the show. "Please come. We'd like to see you there tonight. I'll see you tonight. If not, I'll be put off". His tone is upbeat. I cry. I can breathe."
Remember a few blogs back when I talked about the "Amelie" crumble? It happened again. But this time, in a good way.
"So we go to the show, The Guy changes the scenes. He walks on. Lynne gasps, "he looks so handsome". Always. And it's so weird. I don't even dare to write these things...but I saw for a minute, or felt for a minute what it would be like for him to be my husband. And as he bent down to lift a table, I pictured how he'd bend down to lift a child. I saw him as a father. Oh god! Shake this off! So afterward we see each other but he's still "shy". We go to a bar for drinks and Lynne and Ty are cuter than ever and I want The Guys undivided attention but know it's not going to happen just yet. We go back home and Lynne makes The Guy sit up front [in the cab] which reall put me off, actually since she knew we were just getting back to normal...
...in the morning things are good and he's smiling again. The night before he says he's a lot happier, especially without the restaurant [he's just quit]. I told him I worry about him, he said not to. I I told him that all those things in him he thinks he's "lost" are the things I see.
I go to rehearsal happy...
...I can't believe it could all feel this way. And I just love him...
...I want to see him every morning by me. I have no desire to build this up with someone else, if that could even be possible. I don't know what all this means or how to word it or what to say...I just have to leave it with this right now. I'm in the airport now, in the cab. On the way here I couldn't stop thinking about how we almost - how that was almost it. How close I came to losing him and realizing, maybe, just what he is to me. For better or worse."
So much had happened in such a short amount of time. I thought I'd wanted to escape back to SLC for a minute and now I didn't want to. He thought he needed to escape from me for a minute and now he didn't want to. So what way would this go from here? Better? Or worse? I'd now realized, or at least admitted I was in love. And I was trying my hardest not to let him take over every last ounce of me. There was still school...you know, the reason why I'd moved here. And there was still the casting of the big show to stress over. What way would it all go?
Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html
Part 22: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_20.html
Part 23: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-23.html
Part 24: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-24.html
Part 25: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-25.html
Part 26: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-26.html
Part 27: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-27.html