Sep 26, 2011

My New York Diaries - Part 27

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

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So there I am with The Guy for the third night in a row.

Jan 19

"We watch movies and I keep falling asleep. In between movies The Guy plays the answering machine. Let me just interject here that if I were a psychic I would have looked into my crystal ball that day and I would have known to call it a night before going back to Brooklyn. This was going to be a very grave mistake. So anyway, he's checking the machine and it's a girls voice. "Hey The Guy, I'm in California. Partying it up in San Francisco. Happy New Year, tell Ty happy New Year as well. Love you, bye." I look closely at them. Neither react. This completely turns me upside down yet again. I can't concentrate on this next fucking lame movie. I spend the time on the phone with Jenny and then Lynne in The Guys room. Lynne bitches about the Ty thing, I bitch about the message. I decide I have to ask. I go out in time for the end. I think they're sensing something is off, but maybe not. We go to bed...

...I try to slide into who was that on the answering machine. It was the Ex Ex Girlfriend. I thought it would be the Ex Girlfriend. The Ex Girlfriend was the one I always thought was the threat. I'd find out I was wrong tonight.

*The Ex is the one I've mentioned before, who he'd moved to NYC with and who he'd broken up with just before we got together. The Ex Ex happened before, I'd only heard snippets and none seemed good.

One thing leads to another. He's being more stubborn than ever. He's talking in circles. He's fucking with me on purpose. I'm crying again. Everything is snowballing out of control. I don't remember what my point was, or if I ever had one, or why I'm talking by this time, but now it's back to what we "are" and it's worse than ever. He evades the question and I tell him his answers every other time were taken back by something he'd say later and I was constantly up in the air. This only digs my grave faster because he says, "If I'm not making you happy then..." and we know where that is headed. We talk a lot. We talk about exes. I get out of him that it was the Ex Ex Girlfriend who was the only one he ever really thought it could possibly still have worked out with. I tell him about the Old Flame, in so many words. How the Old Flame is offering me the world and I was once completely in love with him, blah blah, fill the grave faster. Pile that dirt. He asks me if I was "with" the Old Flame in UT. If I made out with him. "Of course not". I'm getting nowhere fast. My ship is sinking so I surrender. My white flag goes something like this, "Okay let's drop it. I am happy with you. You do make me happy. Do you believe me?" He says yes. "Promise?" zzzzzzzzzzzz

Next day we're up late. He's late for work and seems pissed. Calls work, only to be told he "needs manners". And yes, he has to go in. I know something is wrong. I want to rub out the previous night. But I can't. We do kiss goodbye and that's that. So I leave a message like this, "I just wanted to say I'm glad we got to hang out these last few days, because I missed it. And about last night, let's never talk about that again, because it's just not worth's not worth it." I went on to talk about auditions, and that was that. I didn't hear from him for forever after that and I just knew something was wrong. I relayed messages to my friends of our talk, all saw it in different ways... I wait...wait...wait. I'm in agony, of course. Finally he calls on a sunday night. We talk for a bit. I think it seems okay. I tell him to call me tomorrow and maybe we can do something. He says he sill. So the next day I never hear from him. I leave two messages. Nothing. I try him the next afternoon but don't even bother to leave a message. I'm so scared and can't believe it could all be going so dreadfully wrong. But now there isn't anything left to do. So once again, I wait. And wait...and wait. And it's worse. It kills me ten times more. I think I should go back home and begin to question a lot about myself and what I want. January 4th I admit to myself, and then to others I love him. Jesus Christ I must love him. Then one day I'm out to lunch with Jenny, the one night I turn off the phone I've kept glued to my hand and checking 24/7. As I walk away from her work I listen to my message...his message. Saying how he's been working a lot, got my messages, working on Tys show now, etc. Call him back. I do, but can't get ahold of him right then. I leave a message saying I'd given up on him, thought he'd fallen off the face of the earth but was glad he called and wanted to talk to him.

Then I'm on the phone with the Old Flame for half an hour and he calls. Phone tag, you're it. Then I end up trying for ages, no answer - phone is off. I figure he's at work. I call late leaving a message saying I still really want to talk or meet up, I could come up to his work, he could come down to my place, even for a little bit. Finally I decide to try his apartment [landline phone]. He's been there all night. We make a plan to meet the next night. He says nothing is wrong when I ask, and that if it was he would tell me when I ask. So he calls the next night at seven. We'll meet at [bar next to ATC] at ten. He shows at ten thirty . Of course I had been out of my mind. Sean was with him, they'd been at a play at ATC. We meet up with some girl [friend of theirs] who is too loud and too opinionated and obnoxious for me. She seems to know me, but I don't recognize her. I'm bummed. I'm bored. He's directed 90% of conversation to them. There's only so many times I can get up to go to the bathroom.

He tells me. He comes clean. He'd been completely freaked out since our last conversation. Seriously freaked. So serious it crossed his mind to walk away. To never call again. To become anonymous and disappear into New York City."

To become anonymous and disappear into New York City?! Hearing those words hit me like a ton of bricks. Now I was seriously freaked.

Part 1:
Part 2:
Part 3:
Part 4:
Part 5:
Part 6:
Part 7:
Part 8:
Time to Press Pause:
Part 9:
Part 10:
Part 11:
Part 12:
Part 13 (with an extra shot)
Part 14:
Part 15:
Part 16:
Part 17:
Part 18 (September 11th)
Part 19:
Part 20:
Part 21:
Part 22:
Part 23:
Part 24:
Part 25:
Part 26:

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