I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!
*All names are changed
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"On my way home to Utah. Longest span away, six months! Last night I got my validation. My ending on a good note. The Guy calling me, seeing him, spending the night, him saying cute things. Us in good spirits. Him telling me [I was going to get hit on while away at home] "of course you'll get hit on, you're Deena!" Ty's boss asking if we were together, him assuredly saying yes. Well, "mm-hmm" and a positive head nod. I was completely crazy about him. [That night] I woke up and couldn't stop staring at him. I thought he was the cutest thing in the world. It made me smile. He told me he was going to miss me...
...Ty and Lynn are together. Have been since mid October. It can create a weird dynamic, the four of us. Sometimes I don't want it because The Guy was all mine, the whole adventure, discovery of him was mine. I guess now Lynn is a part of that. And it's a lot of fun to talk about and having Ty distracted is nice. Anyway.
...This break is at the right spot. It ended on a good note, the note I needed. Good to reflect, get away now. Play in another land and see what that does to both of us. How it makes us feel. I'll talk to him on Christmas if he doesn't call before then. Times like these I'm very grateful to have Lynn to hold down the fort and report to me. The Guys best female friend and "very attractive" little sister are coming to stay with him which was driving me nuts for awhile but now not my priority to stress over. I need to have more confidence in why he's with me. Still working on the jealousy...
..[the ex] he put her number into his new cell phone. He said before they don't talk. I can't compete with history. So I need to write this here and leave it here for now. An hour and a half to go and it's back to the homeland. It'll be so weird. I wonder how I'll feel there."
I didn't write at all for those two weeks at home. I saved up all that happened and got it out as soon as I was on the plane back to NYC. I somehow ended up being upgraded to first class. I don't know how or why and I remember watching the lady next to me to know what to do. I had no idea what the hot towel was for, so I took my time while watching her out of the corner of my eye and then trying my best to wash my hands with it as if I flew this way all the time. I so badly wanted to order a glass of wine, but I was scared they'd card me. I sure could have used one to go along with all that I was ready to pour onto the page.
"On the plane again. Getting ready to fly back - home. This is the first time I can confidently say that. I mean it. I'm in a big ass plane, it's like the one I was on going to Hawaii. I'm wondering if [where I'm sitting] is a mistake and if someone will come and tell me to move. I can't get over how big it is, how nice everyone is. Anyway. Jesus God, this is such a significant vacation back here. I spent the first week just with family. Christmas shopping, dinner with Adrianna, dinner with the parents, Christmas eve at Adrianna's. But the second week was pretty much spent with someone else. The Old Flame. [See part 19 of my New York Diaries for more regarding the Old Flame. We'd dated in high school, had gone to prom and when he moved away to college he broke my heart by cheating on me and lying to his friends that he had slept with me when he hadn't.) I hadn't gone out until Saturday, then I went to [a club] with Benny, Julie, her boyfriend and his friend. Then - to Adam's.
* Benny was one of my closes friends. I'd known him since Junior high. I remember when he came out. He soon started dating a handsome boy and they're still together to this day! He was a hell of a dancer and has since moved into the medical profession. We don't live in the same state and I very, very rarely see him now but he was around for a lot of significant things in my life and I will always love him dearly. Julie was one of my best girl friends and we have remained close to this day. Adam was the Old Flame's best friend through high school and I'd had my share of nights hanging out with him. He was nice, but crazy. I hadn't been able to quite figure him out back then. Now, he lived in a house with some other guys and they were known for it being quite the party house.
I thought for awhile I'd go. I wanted to go. I wanted the Old Flame to see me. I was ready this time. The Old Flame and the First Kiss were the two I wanted to see. On the way to Adam's I find out the First Kiss is getting married - that VERY day! So I was a little bummed, a little weirded out. Anyway, we're at Adam's, he's not home and we're sitting with guys I've never met.
*First Kiss...pretty self explanatory. The timing was never right. I had kind of kept him in the back of my mind. I was hoping to run into him at a local spot he still went to, and the place I'd met him. Roller skating. More than anything I was just curious, and I wanted him to see me in my fancy New York glory.
*Remember when I talked about the synchronicity of things a few blogs back? Here was another one of those strange past, present and future kismet moments. The First Kiss was getting married. I was about to see the Old Flame, and years later I'd learn that the man I'd end up marrying lived just across the street!
I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to ask or get ahold of the Old Flame. We call Adam, the Old Flame calls back. At first I won't say who I am. I finally tell him who I am, he doesn't believe me, almost. He says they'll hurry. He sounds excited. Then Julie wants to hide from them. We're in the bathroom when they come in. I hug Adam first, then the Old Flame. We all stand around in the kitchen for awhile drinking wine. A tequila shot. The Old Flame goes ON and ON about his career, (The Old Flame was an actor too and had also left the state. He was now in LA and back in SLC for Christmas vacation.) how he wants to take Starlet Who Was Very Famous to his premiere, how he wants to go on a date with Very Famous Rockstar, he hung out with Very Famous Singer, etc. He said he had an ex girlfriend who he fell completely in love with and she ripped his heart out. It bothered me a little to hear him say he'd been in love, but at the same time I thought, "well he got it back!" We all go upstairs where they want to partake of Adams bong. I'd seen Jack earlier in the night and he said to, "steer clear of the cookies", so I go ahead and ask for one.
*Jack was a close guy friend and although it's rare I see him now, I absolutely adore him still. Julie and Jack will be coming back into the story in the spring, when they come to visit me in NYC.
Plus I involve myself in the passing around of a joint and a pipe. Plus I drink a jack and coke. I move over to sit by the Old Flame and we're in our own little world for what seems like quite awhile. I didn't realize how far gone I'd be. It always hits suddenly. I've never had so much fun on weed. I laughed my ass off over everything. I could barely breathe . Then the Old Flame said I was, "so incredibly hot". At the beginning of the night he gave me a heartfelt apology. Ending in will I forgive him? He kept saying how good it was to see me. He said I had no idea how long he's been wanting to get that off his chest. I was his only regret, he had to apologize. He'd played it over and over in his mind. As the night when on he told me more and more how glad he was to see me. He said his heart skipped a beat when he saw me. Anyway, so we're all upstairs and I don't know where Julie is. Benny is running around with his pants down. Then he comes upstairs with my pashmina wrapped around his head and starts telling a joke that went on forever and kept repeating himself. Then I started getting sick. Trying to fight it but I couldn't do it. I felt like I was being forced down. I started getting queasy and went to lay down on Adams bed. I ended up barfing. Quite a bit, I think. I don't think the Old Flame ever saw. How embarrassing. I don't really remember the way things panned out from there but he totally took care of me. He stayed when I asked him and chose to be by my side up there. He went downstairs at some point and came back up saying how he's hearing things down there about me and a someone in New York. How if that's a good thing he doesn't want to mess it up. I said, "I wouldn't let you." Anyway, I guess Benny told him I had a boyfriend. But I don't know what I said. I don't know how I worked my way out of that one. I think I just said I didn't. Anyway, I think it was probably before this that...we kissed."
What was it The Guy had said about getting hit on...?
Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html
Part 22: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_20.html
Part 23: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-23.html