Sep 19, 2011

My New York Diaries - Part 21

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

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Halloween happened. We went to a huge party in a warehouse. The Guy, Lynn, Ty and another friend from school named Charles. Oscar had recently moved in with Charles and his on again/off again girlfriend, who also went to school with us. I don't remember what everyone went as, other than Charles was Hugh Hefner and I was a Moulin Rouge dancer. I had stressed and scoured the city to find the perfect red and black pieces to put together for this night. At the last minute as I was trying on my costume I almost chickened out and went as a Disco Girl instead. I'd never been out in such little clothing. But after we'd been at the party awhile I couldn't believe how liberating it was to run around in, well, your skivvies. I found it really wasn't a big deal. In fact, I got so brave that when we saw Theresa (the girl from the NYU party that was there with The Guy the night I took him away from her), I grabbed The Guy by the hand and marched him over to her for the two of us to say hi.

The sun was coming up. We'd lost track of Lynn and Ty. Charles was certainly playing his part, surrounded by ladies and making out. He was in no hurry to leave. Later he told us that a limo had taken him home! The Guy and I left to go back to his place. Later when I'd woken up and was ready to head back home, I realized I had a subway ride ahead of me and no clothes to wear! The Guy had to find something that would fit me that I could wear home. I ended up in strange and ill fitting pin striped pants, a black t-shirt and my heels. I think it took me quite awhile to return the clothes. I didn't care how ridiculous I looked, they belonged to They Guy!

Industry Night happened. This was something for ATC Alums only. Once you'd graduated you were able to chose a scene partner, your scene, and perform for industry folk. The Guy was now a graduate and that meant he could perform. Lynn and I were meeting him at school. He'd performed and was inside chatting with people. I wanted to let him have some time. But then more time went by. And more time. And then even more. Lynn and I were ready to go. Ty was ready to meet up. Why I didn't just go in and politely see if he was ready to leave the schmoozing is beyond me. I can only chalk it up to youth and ignorance, but instead I thought it best to poke my head in and with a whole lot of attitude tell him, "bye!" In front of everyone.

Oh god. He jumped up and was out the door, so fast. He thought he was waiting on us and was just killing time. Later this comes back in the midst of a fight and he tells me how I'd "emasculated him".

That night, our foursome and one of their guy friends ended up at the restaurant The Guy worked at. It was a fine dining restaurant and I don't know why it was closed that night. But it was, and they had the keys. We had a private party and helped ourselves to food and booze and made out on a table in a kitchen that looked right out of "Jurassic Park". It was a long and late night and it resulted in Lynn and I missing the entire day of school the next day. Shit. You remember what I told you in the beginning about missing? Even being late was unacceptable. I felt horrible. But The Guy seemed at the time a good reason to miss. He didn't have to work until late afternoon so I was able to spend the day with him. Things were going well, we were in good spirits and laid talking for a long time "about childhood things", my journal tells me.

" forward, one night at our Usual Spot in Brooklyn. We drink, he introduces me as his friend. I comment on this and suddenly everything has snowballed out of control until I'm crying at his apartment. We can't come to an understanding on what we are. Him saying he has no interest of finding anyone else. He doesn't want to lose me...

...I ask him what I am to him, I need to hear something. He says, "you're my girl, you're my girl." I ask if he's sure. He says, "positive." But he says these things in a way that sounds 80% to shut me up and 20% to convince himself. So that's really where it was left. He's since then mentioned again hating labels, feeling trapped. So I feel stagnant again but am still sucking it up for him. Changing my own tune about it every day, anyway..."

Thanksgiving was about to happen. I was planning to spend it with my Holiday Kids, Jenny and Oscar but was secretly hoping The Guy would want to spend it with me. Would he? The big and final play would be announced and auditioned soon. What would it be? What kind of role would I get? I'd need to get my ass in gear and get to school. I didn't want to miss class again. I told myself it was not an option.

Part 1:
Part 2:
Part 3:
Part 4:
Part 5:
Part 6:
Part 7:
Part 8:
Time to Press Pause:
Part 9:
Part 10:
Part 11:
Part 12:
Part 13 (with an extra shot)
Part 14:
Part 15:
Part 16:
Part 17:
Part 18 (September 11th)
Part 19:
Part 20:

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