My First "Baby".

I'm 17 weeks pregnant as of yesterday.

Lately I find myself experiencing a tighter bond with my pup, Noodles, than ever before. I didn't think that was possible. I always miss him when I'm away. I am always excited to see him when I come home. Those things still exist, just magnified. I am a bit more aware of his mortality, though I try to shove those thoughts away. I want to believe that he will always be this happy, healthy, energetic, and a part of my life.

It's like I am seeing him clearer than ever before. I truly see him. I see what he does for me. I am in awe over the protection and comfort he gives me. It is never ending and completely unwavering. I can't believe his ability to be this way. Words fail me. He is incredible. He is on another level, more enlightened than any human I've ever known. No human will ever give me quite what only he can. 

When I call him baby, or pup, it's never felt quite right. I mean he is to the outside, but I've known him forever. We've always been together, and in so many forms. Maybe we've been everything to each other. He feels far too old a soul, and the reincarnation of too many forms to be called those things. 

I'm not sure why I feel the spiritual connection with him is so palpable at the moment. I don't know why I am so open to it. I'm not sure if it's because we're in the final five months of it just being us? Because he'll soon share me with a baby? So things are heightened, he is showing me what he is? 

I can't stop snuggling, petting, and kissing him. I need him, and I can't imagine one day I'll have to figure out life without him. I can't. 

How will things change when the baby is here? Will he pull away? Will he be okay? Will he only heighten in his love, protection and care of the both of us? Is something telling me to experience and savor, because it's all about to change? 

One thing I am most excited about is that the baby gets to grow up with Noodles in his life. What a lucky, lucky baby.

DM

To love more.

I never thought I'd love anything more than my career.
Than being on a stage.
Than acting.
Than creating. A name for myself. Art.
I never thought I'd love anything more than I loved myself.
Then I met my husband.
I became his wife.
I loved him more.
More than work.
More than me.
Now that we're bringing a baby into the mix,
I can't imagine that there was ever a time where work was the cap.
It. 
No matter how life changing and
transformative moments on the stage have been,
there's so much more! 
I had no idea the levels that were still out there to reach.
I can't believe how much more there is left to experience.
Yet another beginning.
I am not the same.
I haven't seen anything yet.




DM

In case I never see you again...

Too many women spend too much time hating on their bodies. I used to be one. When I was 19 I had a an eating disorder, and didn't get my period for months. I simply was not eating. My case was not the norm. I never had a weight problem, I was just so bombarded with the media telling me to be skinny (and too young to know better) that I figured whatever I was wasn't good enough. That if everyone had to be skinny, that must mean I should be skinnier. I remember wearing my new coat that winter, and thanks to my newfound body dysmorphia, I chose to freeze rather than attempt zipping it up. I was convinced it wouldn't fit. A year or two later when I tried it, it zipped of course, with plenty of room to spare. I was small to begin with, and even smaller at the time.

Soon after, I moved to NYC. I rebelled. I'd drink many sugary alcoholic drinks in the evening and end the night with a giant burrito. I'd start the next morning with a caramel macchiato and cinnamon coffee cake. I stuffed myself. My diet had never been so out of control. I felt myself purposely rebelling, and for the first time in my life, I gained weight. I remember going home that first Christmas, excited to get more of my clothes to take back with me, only nothing fit. Luckily my break was long, I spent time working out, and the weight began to shed. It came off completely over the next few months. It was short lived.

I spent much of my youth a perfectionist. Over the years I slowly eased up on myself. I would was still aware of what I was putting into my body, but over time I stopped counting calories and restricting. In fact, the last few years I've paid no attention whatsoever. As in I just eat what I want when I want (just not out of control like in NYC). I'm no longer worried about it. I just live my life. I love food. I love sweets. And I've realized how lucky I am. I don't have a weight issue. I stay fairly small, and fairly the same. I don't have to stress about calories, and I don't have to be a slave in the gym.

Over the years I've come to appreciate my body. It's what houses my soul, and lets me experience this life. I saw loved ones pass away, and felt honored to still be here in the healthy body I'd been dealt. Thank you, body. I met the love of my life, and felt humbled I am in a body right now on earth to meet him and experience this love. Thank you, body. I got pregnant. Our son is growing in me right now. I am creating life. Thank you, body.

But. Will I be okay if I never see my old body again? What does pregnancy, childbirth, and recovery have in store for me? Will I look the same? What if I don't? I didn't gain any weight during my first trimester, but it's coming. How will I feel? It's the first time in my life in years (while I'm aware of the miracle that is happening) that I feel out of control over my body, and what's in store feels foreign. I admit, it's a little scary. I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel concerned about impeding weight gain and body changes, and I'm also sad at how shallow this worry is. It's strange. On one hand, I never knew life could feel this elevated, magical, and right. It's another level. On the other hand, I don't know yet how to wrap my head around this fear of what's to come.

I'm full of contradictions. I want to see it. I want to see my bump. I want to know the baby is growing, and feel him move. But what will I really look like?

What if I don't feel comfortable in my own skin? 
What if I don't feel like myself? 

I know all is temporary. It's already going by so quickly. I do think I'm good at accepting. I've been so grateful for my body as I've gotten older, I hope it's tenfold once I truly experience what it's going to do for myself and my husband.

So, I wanted a place to document the old me. The me that I've been for (almost) all of my life this far. I swear I'm not trying to be annoying, or self indulgent, or brag. I just want to remember, in case I never see this me again.

Maybe I'm scared to lose what I finally learned to love so much.

I don't believe in regret, but if I did, it would be that I didn't always love and appreciate my body throughout my entire life. I hope and long for this to carry forward into the unknown.

Winter 2015, I had been sick and hadn't been able to eat much. 

Summer 2015 

                                                                    Summer 2015

                                                                       May 2015

                                                                      May 2015

                                                                    August 2015




DM

Flash back / forward

I didn't always know I wanted to be a mom. I didn't grow up knowing it was in my future, or dreaming of the day it would happen. I never felt a strong desire for a child in any long term relationship I was in. If anything, I was confused about it. I thought that I should want it, and almost felt bad that I couldn't truly say I did.

When I met my husband everything changed. Not only was he the first man I'd ever been with to tell me how much he wanted it, and wanted it with me, but he'd point to moms with their babies and whisper, "that's going to be you." Chills would run through me.

Because it was him, it felt like the most natural thing in the world. There was no confusion. There was no question. There was no lack of desire. It was simply there. It was simply what we would do.

Isn't it always so crazy to look back, before you known what's in store for your journey?

We wrote our own wedding vows. They were stunning. In mine I started with the first time I saw him. Around 4 & 1/2 years ago now. I was in a zumba class and he walked by. I noticed 1.) How tall he was 2.) That he was the most good looking man I'd ever seen. I mean, double take. Close to running out of class to get another look. I thought to myself how if he were to walk by again, I would in fact leave to get a peek.

It would be another few months before our paths crossed again. I remember that second encounter just as clearly. Our eyes meeting in a mirror. I believe in love at first sight. It may not be quite as literal as it sounds, but there is something that can (does, and did) happen that's very close. It's electric and it's instant and it's unmistakable. It would be awhile before our timing was right, but years later I'd learn it was always him. Only him. The only person I've really truly loved.

What if I could have had a flash of our future at either encounter #1 or #2? What if I would have been able to see, or if I could have just known that he that would be my husband. My love. The handsome man who walked past zumba was it. The one I locked eyes with in the mirror was him. The father of my baby. That one day, years later we'd be seeing our first ultrasound together. Picking out clothes. Naming our baby. Adding a little human, half of each of us to the world.

I would have never believed it. Yet it's the most natural thing in the world.



Deena Marie

It's A Boy!

IT'S A BOY!

Two weeks ago today, we found out the gender. First read my previous post, Positive, on the day I found out I was pregnant. I talk about how I was certain it would be a girl. My husband was, too. For the last two years we've talked about our future daughter as if we just knew, and there was no other option. We were surprised to find out there were optional screening tests you could do early (end of the first trimester) that would pick up the chromosomes to reveal the gender. I have strong intuition and I could feel it was a she. I would have bet anything on it. Imagine my surprise when I answered the phone the day my results were in. The Dr. was calling with good news, all is well and the baby is healthy. I'd been on the edge of my seat until I heard those words. Then she asked if I was ready for the gender. I said yes, and she said it was a boy! 

I'll never understand how my gut feeling could be so off, and I didn't know what my husband would say when I called him to tell him we were wrong. But his reaction was one of the most special things I've ever experienced. Thinking about it still chokes me up. I spent the day shocked. Never disappointed, just mind blown that we were wrong. I never saw this in my future. I never pictured a boy. But over the next few hours I started to realize that this surprise came to us because we needed it. It's what is meant to be. Whoever is supposed to come to us, to be our baby, to be alive at this time is who needs to be. The shock's now worn off and we've already started our collection of little boy onesies, bibs, blankets, and toys!

We're getting a son! I can't wait to meet him. I already love him. I want to hold him and kiss him and smell him right now. Our boy. Yet at the same time I don't want a single day of this to be rushed. In six months we'll have him! It's already flying by and I want to savor every single moment. 

He has a name, and hearing it out loud feels like pure magic. 

Photos: Lauren's Photography (straight out of the camera, I was too excited and impatient for edits!)

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POSITIVE

Now that we've officially announced the news, I can start blogging about it!

I found out I was pregnant on July 18th. It was one of the most surreal days of my life. I've now said that about the day we saw our baby on the ultrasound, and again when we found out the gender. I want to share my journey because as I was hoping to embark on it, I often felt so in the dark. I couldn't always find the answers I wanted, or the hope. I mean, just read my previous posts for yoU Magazine, Are You Pregnant Yet? and The Women We Don't Speak Of.  

But first things first. Let's start with that day the test was positive.



July 18, 2015.

And just like that, everything has changed. It happens in a split second. So simple and so profound at the same time. Everything that had worried you before,

it's taking forever
will I ever get pregnant
what If I can't
how many pregnancy tests will I have to buy
when do I get a positive 
when do I get to tell my husband 
when 
when 
when 

Is simply over. Gone. You instantly feel your entire world shift. 

July 18, 2015 the test was positive. I was so one hundred percent ready to see the negative, that I truly didn't believe my eyes as I watched the two lines appear this time. I couldn't comprehend it. I was so confused. My fantasy of telling my husband in a cute and calm way was forgotten. I called him right away, breathless, heart pounding, "I think I'm pregnant". I'm not even sure what else I said. I kept thinking this positive sign might mean I am. I think it's telling me I am. Maybe.

I kept thinking I'd know I was pregnant before a test told me. I'd feel it. But it was a total surprise. I'd also taken a test on July 4th that was negative. I wasn't even nervous watching the results this next time, because I was sure it was just another wasted test. I was actually holding off because I was getting sick of spending money on tests. I called my mom next. I spent the day in a total daze. Late afternoon it started to sink in a little more. This was Saturday. Saturday and Sunday I was so distracted. How do I go back to my old life? How do I see anyone if I'm not able to mention anything? How would I just talk about the same old stuff? It's real. It's really happening. Yet it still feels so surreal.

I feel so excited. I feel a female energy. I'll be surprised if she's a he. My first thought, "she's here." I also feel all sorts of worried. I want her safe, I want her healthy, and I want to know that she is okay right this second. I'm anxious, I'm bursting, I want to shout it from the rooftops.

I've had the coolest life up until now. I've gotten to do so many amazing things. I've felt so lucky and so satisfied in what I've done for so long. I've longed for this next phase. Something to take me outside of myself. It was time.

It was time.



*I had 5 negative months before my positive. Six negative tests total if you count the one I took two weeks before my positive. I know in hindsight it was a short amount of time, and I'm lucky. But the negatives can sure play mental and emotional games with a woman. 


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The heaviness.

There's a quote of mine years back on this blog, "Time heals all wounds, even if it takes ten years."

There is a heaviness I carry with me. It has become a part of me. Sometimes it feels like too big a part, and I wonder when it will lift. I'm dying for it to lift. I'm a broken record. I'm talking again about 2012. I'm still haunted. I'm still sad. I'm still mad. I hate 2012. I feel like if that year hadn't happened I would feel so incredibly whole. Healed. Probably completely happy. Or the closest to a regular state of happy I could imagine. The things that happened through that year altered everything. I feel ripped up. Sewn together, but carelessly. The seams still split. I didn't come out the same. Things didn't come out completely right. It flares up from time to time. Sometimes it feels like all the time. I hate the things I had to endure. I hate the things I had to survive. Hate, hate, hate, and I want to scream it out! I am not over it. I am not ready to be, I suppose. So here it stays. It hovers. It remains.

These days I feel like my heart takes up my entire chest. My entire being. It is so full of the heavy, and the happy, and love. Love flows through me like I never knew it could. It feels free, it feels good, it used to scare me but not so much anymore. Now I just let it be. I let myself love. I love through the heavy. Parallels, juxtaposition, opposites.

Exhausted from feeling and loving and the heavy and waiting on time.

Life hacks

Recently I've learned


One persons no is another persons yes
If it doesn't exist yet, create it
Know your worth
Draw healthy boundaries
Know when to persist
Know when to move on


Don't chase people who want to leave,
they make room for the right ones to enter
Let go gracefully


"No one would harm another human being unless they were confused. Fear is the cause of all confusion." - Byron Katie


I only have room for love, and for the ones who love me back.

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DM

Last night

The sudden summer storm outside feels like it's trying to tell me something.
Like something is about to happen.
The book I am reading is one of the best I've read in years, and I'm thinking and feeling in poetry.
When he comes home from work, he looks at me in a way that makes me feel he really sees me.
Sees into me. More so than he has in awhile.
It's been a busy time, and now I've been seen.
"My heart is going to crack wide open" I think.
It's almost too much. My eyes fill with tears. I pull away.
Later there is a moment nearly silent, except for the storm where slightly suspended,
I feel myself expand into one with everything,
And I breath in sync with all that is.
Fleetingly tapped into truth.
As we're falling asleep, I think about different versions of us that no longer exist.
How do we say goodbye? How do we make peace we'll never know them again?
How soon this version of us will no longer exist.
We're constantly looking back on "the best days of our lives."
People live in a state of perpetual perfection, yet we're always wanting something different.

Where to have a summer BBQ - INDOORS!

The last few weeks it's been over 100 degrees, and breaking records as some of the hottest weather we've had in years! If you need to escape the heat for an evening, but still want to do something that feels like summer, check out the new BBQ menu that just launched at Rodizio Grill in Trolley Square!

I got to try it out last night, and I was pleasantly surprised. I only say surprised because I am not a big meat eater, and I assumed Rodizio Grill wouldn't be very vegetarian (I do eat chicken) friendly. Well guess what? I was wrong! 

We had unlimited access to the salad bar, which was huge. Salads, pastas, breads, and more. I had two giant plates. And while they did bring around meat options of all kinds, there were many types of  chicken I was able to eat. I left completely stuffed! 

The staff was so nice, and a lot of fun. 

My gorgeous actress friend Jaci was my date for the night, check her out HERE.

Got to dine with some of my favorite bloggers, see old friends, and meet new ones!

Check out Sarah Tyau of Our Life is Beautiful, and Michelle Petersen of The Mumsy Blog!

I always love getting to see Michelle of Enjoy Utah! 

And Derek, you are the best! 

(Huge thanks to Ashlee Hille for the fantastic photos and event!)

And the rabanada (a warm cinnamon pastry with a creamy center, served with vanilla ice cream and laced with caramel sauce) pretty much changed my life. I mean, just look. 

Are you hungry yet?

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Thanks for reading, 

DM

Marriage Advice - Top 10

I was recently asked to write something for my husband's cousin to read the morning of her wedding. The ladies in the family compiled notes and advice for her to have as she got ready. I chose to do a simple top ten.

1.)Patience is so important. Gently remind yourself of this from time to time, and continue to grow it.

2.)Remember that you are on the same team, and try to put yourselves in each others shoes.

3.)Listen.

4.)Focus on what’s good. About your partner, and about the relationship. Say it out loud. Tell one another what it is you love, what they excel at, what you notice.

5.)Surprise each other. From a flower, to a favorite candy, to a loving note, to a chore.

6.)Speak up if something is bothering you. Don’t let feelings fester. Don’t try to guess. Just tell the truth, don’t hide your feelings, and talk it out. All feelings inside each of you are valid and should be heard.

7.)Learn each other’s love languages. What is most important to you? To your spouse? Words? Actions? Touch? Read about the five love languages and know yours and your partners. Make the effort to communicate to each other in these ways whenever you can.

8.)Make your home a safe space. Take pride in the place you call home. It doesn’t matter how big or small or decorated or bare. "Home" is made by the people in it, anyway. Speak well of it, keep it clean, and make it a place you want to be.

9.)Don’t let pride or ego stand in the way when it comes to arguing. Don’t keep score. Don’t be the one who has to win for the sake of winning. Don’t let nonsense and trivial issues get in your way.

10. )Focus on the moment. Time goes quickly. Be careful you don’t give too much of yourself to either the past or future. There is only right now. Life together will go faster then you think. Be fully present as often as possible. Savor each phase you’ll have as a couple. Your relationship will grow, change, and be many things throughout your lives together. Be open to your journey, and to growing together.

~ DM

Color Oracle Test

The color oracle test popped up on Facebook today. It's scary accurate. Take yours here. 

Introduction You have selected the colors that you currently find most pleasing and most unpleasing. Read the interpretive texts for your selections in the following paragraphs. In the case of some colors, you will find an additional question or suggestion which can help you deal with a subject area in more depth. Keep in mind that your unconscious plays a major role in the selection of the colors. As it is the case when laying tarot cards, it is inadvisable to repeat the color test too often because otherwise, the quality of the interpretation quickly fades. Take in the texts, and let them work on you, even those you may find somewhat uncomfortable or provocative. The Color Oracle is a psychological color test developed by the Swiss art instructor, therapist and astrologer Johannes Schneider. Astrodienst also has on offer his "Color Horoscope"- the delineation of the birth chart in combination with psychological color interpretation. Your General Disposition At the present time, your behavior is characterized by your need for a feeling of success. You willingly invest a great deal of energy. At the same time, though, you feel that your actions receive too little attention, acknowledgment and recognition from the people your efforts are aimed at. You find this difficult to understand since your actions prove again and again that you are good willed and giving your best. Interpretation of the Colors You Find Most Pleasing Of great importance to you now is... ...vigorous self-assertion. You now want to pull out all the stops in order to achieve what you have planned. Your chances are good because if you feel something is important you are able to show initiative, grab the opportunity spontaneously and act with vigor. You can also display energetic efforts in your personal relationships: if you love or admire someone you are prepared to undertake quite a bit in order to win or hold on to his affection. You utilize a major portion of your powers for... You can ask yourself: ...vigorous effort. You need a task that inspires you and allows you to give your all. If serious demands are made on your abilities or your strengths, you mobilize all your creativity and really stay on the ball in order to prove to yourself and others what you are capable of. If your efforts are acknowledged, you are prepared to do your best. Should someone approach you with unfair demands or, even worse, with outright injustice, however, you resolutely fend them off. At present you are working particularly hard for... You can ask yourself: ...optimistic self-encouragement. Again and again, you consciously adopt a positive inner attitude. This helps you to better stand up under the hardships of the present. You create goals, projects or ideals for yourself that give you a boost and the hope that your life will be better and happier. You search for ways and means which allow you to enjoy life without care and to spend more time devoting yourself to the things that bring you joy. In order to forge ahead in good spirits you now need... ...making pleasurable contacts. You would like to leave everything unpleasant and burdensome behind and to relax spending time with nice, open-minded people with whom you can have a good conversation or undertake some activity that raises your spirits and takes your mind off things. Now and again, you need the stimulation of variety and the opportunity to break out of your daily routine. You now feel that hanging your head would not be as good for you as... ...solving difficulties autonomously. You want to attain complete control over a situation that concerns and touches you personally. You would also like to have such a good hold on yourself that you remain in control, no matter what, so that everything runs smoothly. Without being aware of it, you are also quite domineering in your dealings with others, and this doesn't sit well with all of them. You say to yourself: The thing I need to cope with my current situation is... ...objective assessment of the situation. Whatever you perceive – people, things or information – you analyze it, both critically and with a certain amount of skepticism, because you want to be certain whether it is beneficial to you or not. You are not easily misled, and in line with the motto “once bitten, twice shy”, you keep your distance from everything that could damage your wallet, your reputation, your wellbeing or your peace of mind. Interpretation of the Colors You Find Most Unpleasant At the moment you feel most anxious due to your... ...unpleasant contentiousness. The behavior of certain other people is a thorn in your side. You don't feel like putting up with just anything without objection, and because of this, you can give no guarantee you won't end up in an argument with the person in question. Your stubborn attitude could easily provoke confrontations. At the moment, your mood is somewhat gloomy due to your... Your unconscious advises you to:  ...oppressive sense of apprehension. You are concerned about a situation the outcome of which is uncertain. You contemplate various options of what you could do, so that everything turns out the way you think it ought to. In doing so, you cling too rigidly to your own views, and you have too little faith that it might also be good for you if, for once, events evolved differently from what you had imagined. By the way, no problem has ever been solved by worrying. You worriedly ask yourself how things will progress with regard to your... Your unconscious advises you to: Make it a habit to empathize with and understand others to the same degree that you expect from them. You will be amazed how happy and harmonious your relationships with others become as a result! ...distressing relationship problems. At the moment, you are more aware of your personal needs, worries and problems, and this makes contact with others more difficult. Your relationship difficulties make you all the sadder because, under the current conditions, you need loving attention more than usual. It would be easier for you to get what you need if you were better able to put yourself in the other person's shoes. You inwardly sigh over your... ...gruelling test of nerves. Your sense of wellbeing is negatively affected by stressful circumstances. You often feel misunderstood, unfairly treated or left at the mercy of the unacceptable behavior of a person who is important to you. You don't want to let on that you are aggravated by this, and you keep your irritation to yourself. Inside you, though, the accumulated resentment strains your nerves. For this reason, you are not very emotionally resilient at this time. You assume an air of exaggerated superiority despite your... ...adverse existential uncertainty. You are suffering from the fact that you have to do without certain amenities, enjoyments and pleasures because you don't have enough money to afford them. You have no lack of ideas for what you could do and buy but your uncertain existential situation hinders you in carrying this through. It is also possible you have decided to use your money for more important things. At the moment you are unsure what you should do about your... ...frightening lack of power. You constantly see yourself confronted with a mountain of difficulties and problems. At the same time, you don't want to let yourself be dragged down by feelings of despair and resignation. For this reason, you concentrate on achieving what is most important to you right now. The resources you employ in doing so range from winning affability to skillful manipulation all the way to authoritarian pressure because you want to get everything under control. Your fear of being powerless arouses exactly the opposite in you: a thirst for power. The Color Oracle This Color Oracle is a psychological color test developed by the Swiss astrologer and art instructor Johannes Schneider. During several decades of research and practice, he investigated the effect of color on the psyche. He first published his findings on these effects under the name "Color-O-Scope" which included 25 small colored wooden plaques for use in selecting the colors. The online version available here utilizes the same hues as the original product. The method of color selection is also identical. Since the representation of the colors is dependent on the color fidelity of the display screen in use, slight deviations in color may nonetheless occur, and Astrodienst has no control over this. Until further notice the Color Oracle will be offered to visitors free of charge. You will also find on this website another horoscope interpretation by the same author which is based on astrology and psychology, the "Color Horoscope" by Johannes Schneider.

How to Ruin Your Life - response

How to Ruin Your Life (Without Even Noticing That You Are)  
By Bianca Sparacino on Thought Catalog 

"You are allowed to figure out what inspires you. You are allowed time, and I think we often forget that. We take the next step, and the next step, and the next step, thinking that we are fulfilling some checklist for life, and one day we wake up depressed. What is it with our need to fast-track relationships? Why are we so enamored with the idea of first becoming somebody’s rather than somebodies?"

I've blogged about this, but I've never said it in these exact words. I wanted to respond to this post that resonated so deeply in hopes others hear Bianca's words, and my words. What she writes about in the blog above is exactly what I would tell my younger self. I regret nothing, as it made me who I am, but with that I can now help someone else learn these lessons earlier than I did, or find comfort or inspiration in these words.

I got caught up living the checklist and not my truth. 

If I go back and read over old journal entries I am blown away by the girl in the pages. She wants acting school in NYC to hurry and be done. She wants to be a success and she wants people to know her name now. She wants love. She wants to be married. She feels like the clock is ticking and there is a deadline and she is panicked. She needs these things to happen and she needs it now. I'm not sure she understands the why behind the wants, but nevertheless, she feels she must hurry. She has her checklist and as she begins to knock each one off, she feels a bit more successful. She is getting it done. She is getting what she wants, right? And by the way, she is so so terribly young. Of course she doesn't know this. She just knows that time is never on anyone's side. She even lists age she is sure she needs to be married by! And by the way, this age is so, so terribly young. 

I knew nothing back then of self awareness. I hadn't dug deep, gotten to know truly and deeply who I was or what I wanted. I had yet to find out what city felt like home, what "success" meant to me in this career, my strengths and my shortcomings, let alone what kind of partner would best serve me. I simply hadn't experienced enough. I hadn't lived enough life. But there is no time to explore the world, your mind, or your heart when you have tunnel vision and only see the list in front of you.

But I had a list. The list gave me a purpose and a focus and I knocked the items off, more often than not so desperate for it that I lived almost always in the future. All that mattered was what came next. 

Fast forward a number of years later. Checklist completed. And you know what was most surprising? I felt young. So, so terribly young. I was. I am. I'd completed my list. I was done. 

I had nothing left on it and I was at the very beginning of the rest of my life. 

Oh shit. And it's in the moments of the biggest "oh shits" we learn and grow the most. I was only starting to dig, to uncover who I was, and what I wanted. I reflected on the choices I had made and I realized that each time I said yes to the next step, I said yes to the checklist, but not always to what was true for me. I'd led myself right down the most unsatisfied, stagnant, and small path I could have.

Suddenly, I had never felt so convoluted in my whole life. It was the scariest, and messiest time. For a couple of years I stayed bound to the checklist. The funny thing was, from the outside, I had it all. But nobody knew my internal journey. Nobody knew what had governed me inside up to this point. I had made a string of choices based on fear. Fear of running out of time, and now I was trapped. I had no plan, no list, to guide me through what happens next. Yet there I was. The boat had been cruising along at a high speed, when suddenly the motor gave out. I was stuck. Still. Feeling the weight of the waves and water now upon me. 

I know I'm not the only one. I know I am describing a lot of people. This is the crucial point. Where you stay bound, or you leave to find what truly aligns with your soul. It took me some time to make the leap, but I chose to do it. I chose to live completely differently. No guidelines, lists, or rules. I jumped. I only knew I had to follow my gut. What I'd done before wasn't working, so I went the other way. The way of the unknown. I started be patient with myself. I started saying yes to the things and the people that lit me up. That made me feel like me. That felt like passion, and joy. 

Everything changed. My relationship status, my home, my car, my jobs, you name it and it was shaken up in all kinds of ways. 

I said yes to the right things for me for once. I tuned in. I finally realized there is no rushing anything, just like there is no forcing a fit. I spent time with men who hurt me, who I hurt, who were mean to me, who were good to me, but who were not it no matter how much I tried to tell myself they were. When I did meet the love of my life (and now husband), it happened much later than my old diary would have liked, but that's ok when you know there is no deadline. Do you hear me? There is no deadline. Hold out. Hold out for anything that you are still looking for to fuel your soul if you haven't found it yet. It's there, and you won't get a chance to see it or live it if you are filling your life with what "should" be, or settling for mediocrity because it's good enough, and you're afraid great isn't out there. 

It is. I promise that it is. Make the space in your mind, life, and heart for it so you can find it. Don't give yourself to the job or relationship that is only okay, because you're scared that its as good as it gets. That doesn't make you an ideal partner, employee, or person, nor is it fair to those around you. Nobody grows up excited to only get so far, only so happy, to choose to live life at half mass. And are you drawn to the people who do live at half mass? Do they inspire you? Do they bring you to life? No. 

This is everything I would have told my younger self. While she was stubborn and wouldn't have listened, maybe now I needed to write this simply as my love letter to her in order to forgive her. To tell her I now understand, and it's going to be okay. 

Going forward all I can say is that fear is so often not real, and it passes. All is temporary. Good and bad. And time is both endless and fleeting. And there is no reason to be in this world other than to live your truth. No one else can do it. You are here, and that is your one job. That's it. Whatever it means, whatever it looks like, whenever it happens. You don't have to look like, or do, or be anything. And you can change your mind. And change it again. Be many things and anything that makes you happy. 

There are no rules. 

Only the boundaries you learn to set for yourself over time. The ones that are authentic to your soul. What kinds of things and people you should learn to say yes to, and should learn to say no to. 

Life didn't begin for me until I set myself free,
and released the "should be's". 
The world cracked open, and it turned out she loved me. 
I loved her back, and I soared. 

You are here to live, and thrive, and shine. 
The more you do, the easier things get. 

Free yourself, the world needs you to. 



DM

What's your story?

Don't you want to know everyone's story? Don't you want to crack people open and dive in? I want to pull everything out, and I want to understand. I want to see them in the way only they can. I want to see what they feel and why they feel it. I want to dig deep and I want to connect. I want bigger. I want deeper. I want more.


DM

Ten months, four years.

Today we went up to Solitude Ski Resort where we were married last August. Ten months in. When we turned the corner and I saw the spot where we exchanged our vows, my eyes instantly filled with tears. Four years ago this month, we met. I still can't believe our story, and what was in store for us. I've said this before, he is my greatest mirror and guide in this lifetime. With him, I've learned many lessons. While some were incredibly hard, all were needed. His presence has shown light on so much for me. Hard and beautiful truths. I've taken a good long look inward, and I continue to learn. I continue to grow, to become the best me. Loving him has taught me what I want, who I am, how to be myself, live truthfully, and in turn, made me whole. I still can't believe we ended up together, and that he became what I always knew he should be. My husband.


DM