Aug 20, 2015

The heaviness.

There's a quote of mine years back on this blog, "Time heals all wounds, even if it takes ten years."

There is a heaviness I carry with me. It has become a part of me. Sometimes it feels like too big a part, and I wonder when it will lift. I'm dying for it to lift. I'm a broken record. I'm talking again about 2012. I'm still haunted. I'm still sad. I'm still mad. I hate 2012. I feel like if that year hadn't happened I would feel so incredibly whole. Healed. Probably completely happy. Or the closest to a regular state of happy I could imagine. The things that happened through that year altered everything. I feel ripped up. Sewn together, but carelessly. The seams still split. I didn't come out the same. Things didn't come out completely right. It flares up from time to time. Sometimes it feels like all the time. I hate the things I had to endure. I hate the things I had to survive. Hate, hate, hate, and I want to scream it out! I am not over it. I am not ready to be, I suppose. So here it stays. It hovers. It remains.

These days I feel like my heart takes up my entire chest. My entire being. It is so full of the heavy, and the happy, and love. Love flows through me like I never knew it could. It feels free, it feels good, it used to scare me but not so much anymore. Now I just let it be. I let myself love. I love through the heavy. Parallels, juxtaposition, opposites.

Exhausted from feeling and loving and the heavy and waiting on time.


  1. But, at the same time had 2012 NOT been the way it was could you say that you would be right where you are, right now in this moment?
    You are wonderful. And I promise you, it gets easier. Never heals fully, but it DOES get easier. One day you will look back on memories that once made you cry in agony and you will shed happy tears and smile.
    I love you. :)

  2. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.