Sep 16, 2015

Flash back / forward

I didn't always know I wanted to be a mom. I didn't grow up knowing it was in my future, or dreaming of the day it would happen. I never felt a strong desire for a child in any long term relationship I was in. If anything, I was confused about it. I thought that I should want it, and almost felt bad that I couldn't truly say I did.

When I met my husband everything changed. Not only was he the first man I'd ever been with to tell me how much he wanted it, and wanted it with me, but he'd point to moms with their babies and whisper, "that's going to be you." Chills would run through me.

Because it was him, it felt like the most natural thing in the world. There was no confusion. There was no question. There was no lack of desire. It was simply there. It was simply what we would do.

Isn't it always so crazy to look back, before you known what's in store for your journey?

We wrote our own wedding vows. They were stunning. In mine I started with the first time I saw him. Around 4 & 1/2 years ago now. I was in a zumba class and he walked by. I noticed 1.) How tall he was 2.) That he was the most good looking man I'd ever seen. I mean, double take. Close to running out of class to get another look. I thought to myself how if he were to walk by again, I would in fact leave to get a peek.

It would be another few months before our paths crossed again. I remember that second encounter just as clearly. Our eyes meeting in a mirror. I believe in love at first sight. It may not be quite as literal as it sounds, but there is something that can (does, and did) happen that's very close. It's electric and it's instant and it's unmistakable. It would be awhile before our timing was right, but years later I'd learn it was always him. Only him. The only person I've really truly loved.

What if I could have had a flash of our future at either encounter #1 or #2? What if I would have been able to see, or if I could have just known that he that would be my husband. My love. The handsome man who walked past zumba was it. The one I locked eyes with in the mirror was him. The father of my baby. That one day, years later we'd be seeing our first ultrasound together. Picking out clothes. Naming our baby. Adding a little human, half of each of us to the world.

I would have never believed it. Yet it's the most natural thing in the world.

Deena Marie

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