I found out I was pregnant on July 18th. It was one of the most surreal days of my life. I've now said that about the day we saw our baby on the ultrasound, and again when we found out the gender. I want to share my journey because as I was hoping to embark on it, I often felt so in the dark. I couldn't always find the answers I wanted, or the hope. I mean, just read my previous posts for yoU Magazine, Are You Pregnant Yet? and The Women We Don't Speak Of.
But first things first. Let's start with that day the test was positive.
July 18, 2015.
And just like that, everything has changed. It happens in a split second. So simple and so profound at the same time. Everything that had worried you before,
it's taking forever
will I ever get pregnant
what If I can't
how many pregnancy tests will I have to buy
when do I get a positive
when do I get to tell my husband
when
when
when
Is simply over. Gone. You instantly feel your entire world shift.
July 18, 2015 the test was positive. I was so one hundred percent ready to see the negative, that I truly didn't believe my eyes as I watched the two lines appear this time. I couldn't comprehend it. I was so confused. My fantasy of telling my husband in a cute and calm way was forgotten. I called him right away, breathless, heart pounding, "I think I'm pregnant". I'm not even sure what else I said. I kept thinking this positive sign might mean I am. I think it's telling me I am. Maybe.
I kept thinking I'd know I was pregnant before a test told me. I'd feel it. But it was a total surprise. I'd also taken a test on July 4th that was negative. I wasn't even nervous watching the results this next time, because I was sure it was just another wasted test. I was actually holding off because I was getting sick of spending money on tests. I called my mom next. I spent the day in a total daze. Late afternoon it started to sink in a little more. This was Saturday. Saturday and Sunday I was so distracted. How do I go back to my old life? How do I see anyone if I'm not able to mention anything? How would I just talk about the same old stuff? It's real. It's really happening. Yet it still feels so surreal.
I feel so excited. I feel a female energy. I'll be surprised if she's a he. My first thought, "she's here." I also feel all sorts of worried. I want her safe, I want her healthy, and I want to know that she is okay right this second. I'm anxious, I'm bursting, I want to shout it from the rooftops.
I've had the coolest life up until now. I've gotten to do so many amazing things. I've felt so lucky and so satisfied in what I've done for so long. I've longed for this next phase. Something to take me outside of myself. It was time.
It was time.
*I had 5 negative months before my positive. Six negative tests total if you count the one I took two weeks before my positive. I know in hindsight it was a short amount of time, and I'm lucky. But the negatives can sure play mental and emotional games with a woman.
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