Loving your loved ones.

Ever feel like you're stuck in a loop, learning the same lesson again and again? This week I realized that I am. I have had such a roller coaster with friendships the last year or two. Ending friendships, rekindling friendships, meeting and growing closer with new people, etc. But one thing I keep going through is constant disappointment in the friendship department.

I keep getting my feelings hurt.
I keep feeling as though I care more than others.
I feel like I give more than I get.

I'm constantly inviting friends to things or sending info to something that might interest them. I try my damnedest to make it to their events. I am by no means a perfect friend and I've canceled on people before but I also know how bad that sucks and I remember what it feels like before I do it. I try my hardest not to bail. But I get the last second text that friends are bailing all the time.

I let a lot slide. Probably too much. I don't think I would have cared or noticed when I was younger. It's funny, you'd think as you got older your friendships would take a backseat to career, marriage, family, etc. But I find that the older I get the more important others become. As I grow up I care about others more, I'm not so hyper focused on myself, therefore I can get my feelings hurt easier.

I know we are all the center of our own universes and we're all busy, but sheesh.

I know long gone are the days of hanging out with friends every weekend, that's not what I'm after. But if we're only seeing each other once every six months or so? How is that a friendship? I just want a little effort returned.

This is why I love/hate the internet and texting. Sure, you can keep each other updated on Facebook and stay in touch with long distance friends or relatives, or even meet new people. But when it comes to your "real" relationships, I don't want to communicate with you in ONLY this way. And when I think you're going to come somewhere, I get excited to see you and can't wait to tell you what's going on or even -gasp- ask your opinions about things going on with me. But then I never get the chance.

In many of my friendships I've set myself up to be the listener. Which normally I don't mind, until I realize I'm never asked how I'm doing, or how I'm not thought of.

I am a firm believer that when something repeats, it's time to take a look at the common denominator. In this case, it's me. I'm more than willing to take a long hard look at myself and if I'm doing something wrong I will admit it and work on it. I'm still pondering this...but so far I don't feel as though I'm a bad friend to anyone. In fact, I think the problem is that I'm too concerned with it. I'm giving to much of myself, expecting too much from people in return. I hate to say this...in fact this has been making me really sad the last few days...but I think I need to both invest and expect less. I need to turn my attention elsewhere and conserve my efforts. I need a little self preservation now. I keep putting out my energy, my feelings, and I keep getting wounded.

Maybe if I stop inviting, stop trying so hard I won't be able to be bummed out when I get turned down. I'm not trying to be passive aggressive, I'm being serious. I also don't want to feel or build up any kind of anger. I need a little time...I am able to shrug it off and move on. I want to accept what is and not be upset by the way people behave just because it's not the way I wish they'd behave.

It just seems like it's easy for people to let things slip away. I don't know the meaning of giving up. And if I love you? I fucking love you like crazy and am loyal to a fault.


What I'm guilty of repeating is fighting against, well, most everything. Accept & allow is a slow process, but I'm learning. If "what you seek is seeking you" (see previous post) then I know what I need now is to trust and accept that the life, relationships and connections I desire is just right around the corner.

This has also been happening at a time when things in my family have shifted. I'm not going to go into too many details right now, but a sick family member makes you think about a whole bunch of things you haven't though of before. Like how you never know when you're going to lose someone, or who it's going to be. It doesn't necessarily start with the oldest relatives.

With all of this going on, it sure points out who is there and who does support you and once again my mind is absolutely blown at the incredible person that is my sweetheart. I get choked up just thinking about him. How can one person you can meet by chance, and who is not a family member by blood, care and love you so much? The kind of a commitment between a husband and a wife is like no other. Unreal.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, I truly don't know what I'd do without him. I am very, very, very lucky. I know what we have is special and rare.

I know it's time to grow up, focus elsewhere and change my life.

There is no perfect time to change it, but there are times that are better than others.
All signs point to now.

There are other fish in the sea.
There's more than one way to skin a cat ;)

That's it.

Thanks for reading. The next post won't be so debbie downer, I promise!

Tweet me: @DeenaMarie

"What you seek is seeking you"

"What you seek is seeking you" - RUMI

The following is copied and pasted from:
http://lessonsinlawofattraction.blogspot.com/2008/02/what-you-are-seeking-is-also-seeking.html

What are your thoughts? Agree? Disagree? Personal experiences?


* * * * * * * * * *

What You Are Seeking is Also Seeking You

Stop searching. Stop trying.

What you are seeking is seeking you. If what you are seeking is in alignment with who you are and what you truly desire (versus what you think you "should" be after in life), the universe will align itself in service to what you want.

So what does this mean?

1) You can stop the pain staking struggle to "get it right". The illusion that something is "out there" that you need to get or find keeps you in a state of scarcity. With scarcity, there is the idea that something may not happen. You may not find the answer. You may miss the golden opportunity. This is a story. And the story is fed by the very notion that you have to seek something out.

2) The universe wants you to succeed. That's right! If what you are seeking is also seeking you, it's safe to say that things are lined up in service to making what you want happen.
Welcome this paradigm. The universe actually is designed to help you create what you want because it rejoices in your joy and abundance! Joy and health are your birthright.

3) You already are in alignment. Because you are another expression of the life force that the universe is comprised of, you are naturally connected to the very essence of the life giving source. Actually, you are the life giving source. As such, you are meant to succeed. As such, you are already connected to that which will enable you to know what you desire. You don't need to try, you just need to allow yourself to become what is true for you and receive. You need to realize this truth and then act as if so that you let that which you are seeking come to you. It wants to. Let it!

So what can you do instead of searching and trying?

1) Relax.
2) Trust.
3) Affirm.
4) Open.
5) Recieve.

BRB

Oh my goodness I was on such a roll with "My New York Diaries" and then rehearsals began. When I'm rehearsing my brain is completely full. I'll get back to them when I can.

Week #2 of rehearsals complete! Halfway. Got the flu. Ick. Cancelled all weekend plans to stay in and rest up.

Joined Pinterest. IN LOVE. I have gathered quite the collection of photos over the last couple of years and it's the perfect place to have them all uploaded, organized and not cluttering up my desktop.


http://pinterest.com/thedeenashow/


Join me! I've got great boards such as: Dreamboats, The Army I'm building, Creepies & Cuties, My Entourage, Sweetie Treaties and a zillion others.

BRB!


Tweet me: @DeenaMarie

Dead...but not dead.

"Undead. Dead...but not dead."



by one of my favorite artists, Natalie Shau



I've started rehearsals for my next play, today is day three. This play is so layered, so rich. Really beautiful. Yesterday a line jumped out at me and I've been pondering it since. In a nutshell, the play takes place over one afternoon/evening where a family is getting ready to throw a party for their grandma and they speculate if the father the two adult children haven't seen in twenty years will be there. I play the wife to the son. In a series of scenes that are both real time as well as fantasies, we get many different glimpses into the versions of their father as they imagine him to be now and what it would be like to confront/rekindle/ask their questions/tell him how they feel.

In one scene he is imagined in a vampire costume and when asked if he's dead he replies, "undead. Dead but not dead." When this line was discussed there were so many meanings and all seemed very much correct. He's in the vampire getup to be imagined as looking foolish/because he's sucked the life out of the family/because he's had the life sucked out of him/etc. There was much more but I can't remember them all. What struck me, was the fact that I'd literally just described losing a person (and not because they've actually died) in your life as a death.

Obviously as I've been writing my "New York Diaries" I've had a lot resurface through the last few months. I've slowly begun to learn more about why I was attached to people I was attached to, what role September 11th played, what has changed over the last decade and surprisingly what hasn't changed. I consider blogging about it the bare bones, the timeline. Expanding it into a book will be a different beast. But right now what I can say is that obviously it was the time of greatest impact...yet it's a time I'm so far away from. When I write it, I feel as though I'm living two timelines at once. They're almost happening to me simultaneously, viscerally, yet I can't go back to those places or talk to so many of those people.

It's almost a mind fuck as I work on the NY Diaries project. I know they're out there, they're just no longer a part of my life. I can only speculate what life is for them now. I can remember, I can romanticize but I can't pick up a phone or send a message or bump into them on the street. So very much as the characters do in this particular play, I can only imagine my versions of those I once knew, and what it would be like to run into them now.

It's like some of those people who seem so alive in my story are the undead. They're dead but not dead. They can't be here, but they're out there. Very much alive, but not able to be...or maybe even meant to be in my life. Bitter sweet. Life is so funny. It's amazing that whatever you're going through at any given moment will shape both what you hear and the way you interpret.

Tweet me @DeenaMarie

Natalie Dee. You're welcome.

So funny. Thanks to my friend Nell who introduced her to me at the beginning of the year. If you haven't seen her comics before, I suggest you take a look: nataliedee.com

My New York Diaries - Part 31

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

My birthday was just around the corner. The Guy got me a present, two great seats to a play starring famous actors, including Willem Dafoe. I thought that was all kinds of cool, until he told me he couldn't go with me and I'd be going with his brother Sean. I loved Sean and actually went to a few shows with just him, but it was my birthday present and The Guy wasn't even going? There was always a catch. I don't know if I was getting used to it or didn't want to scare him again so I didn't make an issue of it. I was happy to get something.

The play turned out to be awesome and I loved getting to see Willem that close and personal. He wore a loincloth the entire play and I don't think I'd ever seen someone in that kind of shape before. His body was unreal. He was skinny, but ripped. Not one ounce of fat on that guy.

Taking tickets was one of the girls from school. From way back in the beginning who I had once done a scene with. One that had lied about her age that first day when Tucker had us all say out loud how old we were. When I found out she'd lied by three years and had been offended I couldn't believe it. I hadn't known about the whole actor/age thing yet. She'd since left school and as I saw her from across the theatre I wondered why she had ended up behind the scenes, and if she was happy.



Jack and Julie arrived in NYC. They came straight to school to meet me. We'd planned that Julie would be staying with me and Jack would stay at Jennys. I was surreal to have them there. I'd actually been to NYC with Jack before as a senior trip right after graduation. He was swindled trying to buy a fake ID, all his money was taken and he was left ID-less. It's always an adventure with him and I couldn't wait to see what was going to happen this time.

This was one time in my life I was proud of my age, actor or not. The bar I chose for us to celebrate at was the place to be and be seen. I was holding off on going there because I was sure they wouldn't overlook me "forgetting my ID" or crying until I got in. They'd definitely ID me and I was so excited about it.

I headed over with Jack, Julie and Jenny. Lynne and The Guy would be meeting us later. I walked up to the bar...and walked right in. The one time I wanted to get carded, and nothing! Despite feeling like I'd missed a right of passage, I was determined to have a great night. We had dinner upstairs and them moved downstairs for drinks. Jack kept ordering midori sours and every time he'd come back to our group and set one down, he'd turn to talk to some other people we'd just randomly met. Julie and I would then drink his drink and when he turned around we'd blame it on someone else. It went on for awhile and we thought we were so funny. And sneaky.

Lynne came. The Guy came. I think Sean stopped by. The Guy had just come from some kind of a performance, I don't remember what, but he looked handsome in a suit and tie. He met my friends and had a drink but was in a mellow mood and was going to be leaving soon. What? Leaving my party? I told him I wanted to go with him. And I did. I left poor Julie and Jack in the hands of Lynne and Jenny and took off.

At the time I was happy to do so. And thank goodness I had great friends who didn't mind. On both parts. To be left, or to take in those I'd left.

The next morning when my head was clearer I was worried and wondered where poor Julie'd ended up for the night. She'd spent the night at Lynne's and had gone to another bar where you can not only dance on the bar but you can give them your bra for their decoration. I'll never forget her telling me, in almost a whisper, "I donated my brassiere!"

Jenny and I had recently discovered a bar in the east village that had kind of become our new spot. We'd drink then walk right across the street into the burrito place at four am and eat the biggest burritos you've ever seen. Remember what I told you about this kind of diet doing nothing for the figure? Yeah.

But we loved this place and we took Jack and Julie there. I remember Jack brought up the Old Flame and was telling me things about him and his ex girlfriend that I didn't really want to hear. The girl that the Old Flame said had ripped his heart out. It weirded me out, I didn't want to know stories or details.

When I was at school, Jack and Julie would sight see and then we'd all meet back up. Jenny met us one day near school and we were all talking about where we'd be going next as we were getting on the subway. Right then, the doors closed with Jack and Julie still outside and Jenny and I on! It was right out of a movie. How had it happened that my two out of towners just got left? It was also really funny. Mostly because Jenny shrieked and put her hands up on the glass that looked like she was seeing them for the last time. Thank goodness they'd heard enough to know where to go, and we met them quickly.

New York seems so impossibly big, but I was learning all the time how small it really was. In fact, from the moment I'd set foot there I kept seeing people I knew. Once I even ran into a girl from high school in the middle of times square. She was vacationing and I was running out for ice cream, looking like a hot mess. It never fails. Those times when you run out not wanting to bump into anyone, you do. Even in times square. I would see many of the same people at auditions too.

One night Jack was at Jenny's and Julie and I were together. We went to a store so she could get a CD. This was a CD that reminded me of The Guy. We played it a lot and this was also a store we'd meet at regularly if we were going back to Brooklyn. We walked in, got her CD and ran right into, who else? The Guy. We ended up going to a bar I'd never been to before and having a great night. We danced on the bar and talked to all kinds of "new friends". It was the kind of night where you wake up the next morning, look at your pictures and wonder who these strangers are in them.

We went back to Brooklyn and I was pretty excited about taking Julie back to meet Ty. Julie was super cute and single. Ty was going to die. Except...he was out of town. The one time I have my available friend with me (Ty and Lynne were not exclusive). But at least this meant Julie would get to stay in his room and have a night in a bed to herself rather than squishing in with me on my futon.

Jack, Julie and I also shopped and Jack bought the infamous Jesus Christ Action Figure. We hopped on the subway and, lucky us, got into a car with a crazy person. A guy ranting and raving about something religious. Jack pulled out the action figure and held it up. The car was full and they all laughed and applauded. The ranter was actually completely silenced!

It was time for them to go. The way the flights worked they'd be going to LA and spending one night there before going back to SLC. And they'd be staying with the Old Flame. Of course.

Everything just kept connecting.

And also ending.

Endings of the most unexpected kinds and strange turns of events were, I was about to find out, going to happen over the next few months.

I just didn't know that I was already in those final months.





Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html
Part 22: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_20.html
Part 23: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-23.html
Part 24: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-24.html
Part 25: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-25.html
Part 26: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-26.html
Part 27: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-27.html
Part 28: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-28.html
Part 29: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-29.html
Part 30: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-30.html

My New York Diaries - Part 30

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The day of the audition came. "Balm in Gilead". I was obsessed with playing Darlene. I had to get that role. Every student in my class would obviously play a part, and in some cases there would be roles that were double (and even triple) cast. I don't remember my audition, but I do remember observing and being surprised at the nerves of my classmates. I walked into the bathroom to see a fellow student practicing in the mirror. In the mirror? I'd never heard of or thought of such a thing. That certainly wasn't anything we'd been taught...so why was she doing that? Lynne laughed and told her she'd been guilty of the same thing. I couldn't believe it. They were breaking acting rules!

I was nervous about Lynne. She was such a great actor, what if she got Darlene? And then something totally unexpected happened. She quit the play. She felt so overwhelmed with the school load and her work [bartender] load she knew she wouldn't be able to take on the play as well. She had a big talk with our teachers, remained on good terms, and was going to sit this experience out. How she could do that? I couldn't relate. This was it! This was what we were all working for! Then why was she even here? It made me a little disappointed in her. But I didn't get what it would have been like to work and go to school. I can only imagine looking back on it now how impossible it must have seemed. It seemed nearly impossible for me at times as it was.

When the cast list went up...there was good news...and there was bad news.

Myself and one other girl, Claire were the only two names not yet assigned to a role. What?! Tucker said he wasn't sure where he was going to put us. I didn't know how to take that. Why? What had he seen, or not seen in me? Why wasn't I his Darlene? Was this going to be "Museum" all over again? I dreamt of going out with a bang, with a starring role. What did this mean? Give me something to do!

The role of Darlene was to be played by Kim. Kim! Who had set up the meeting with Adam Pascal backstage on my birthday the previous year.

I'm not sure how it unfolded, but shortly after that Tucker announced Darlene was going to be played by Kim, Claire...and me! The way the performances broke down, Kim would still have more shows than us.

Then rehearsals began. It was incredible. And everything changed. It became very clear that myself and Claire were the better fits for Darlene. And then we were given the majority of performances.

I'll never forget walking into the bathroom on a very upset and crying Kim. I felt so awkward. On one hand I felt bad her performances had been taken away from her...but Claire and I were the reasons...so what was I supposed to say?

As Darlene, I'd be tackling a twenty two minute monologue and full nudity. I worked hard on memorizing every day, with the help of Sean and Oscar at school. We'd sit out on the chairs in the hall between classes and they'd be on book for me as I added on page after page after page.

I couldn't believe it. I got my dream. I was Darlene. I had the lead of the big show at the end of my New York training. To this day I can't even express how much it all meant (and still means) to me.

There was a lot that was going to go into putting on this show. I was going to get a taste of what it was like to take on such a large role and challenge myself in ways I'd wanted to but hadn't had the chance to do yet.

I was also getting ready to celebrate a big deal birthday. Twenty One. Finally.

What should I do for the big night? Where should I go? Who should be there? This had to be memorable. Two friends from back home, Jack and Julie had decided they were going to fly out to celebrate with me and I couldn't wait to see them and show them my new city.






Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html
Part 22: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_20.html
Part 23: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-23.html
Part 24: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-24.html
Part 25: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-25.html
Part 26: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-26.html
Part 27: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-27.html
Part 28: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-28.html
Part 29: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-29.html

My New York Diaries - Part 29

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Jan 22

"...something else that's been on my mind, deceit. So here is the Old Flame. Head over heels for me. Writing me these e-mails that just keep topping the last ones. They sound like wedding vows...

...but here is the Old Flame, obviously he thinks I feel the same way about him. I don't say nearly as much back to him, but I guess because I kissed him while he was here and once I kissed him so he'd shut up. I love that he's back in my life. I hope he always is. He's someone I always want to know. I want him for a best friend. I don't think anything more. But he thinks I'm into him and here I am, very seriously into someone else. Very wrapped up in something very real for me and I think on some level it's very real for The Guy since he didn't walk away...

...I don't think I'm being deceitful. I mean, on purpose. I don't think I'm a bad person. In a lot of ways I think I'm a good and pure person. But if it's so easy for me to do this, are they all doing it to? But I then I think how being with The Guy but kissing other guys means absolutely nothing to me...

...I find as I get older I get a little more cynical. A little more let down. This is something I vowed not to lose - ever - since grade school. It's very confusing, the lines between youth and adulthood, optimism and pessimism, fantasy and real life...

...I'm determined not to become jaded. Ideas and ideals can and do change, but I want to make a clear distinction between what is true and what is settling. The other day my mom was saying things my aunt Lydia had been saying about how lucky I am, how she wishes she was doing all that I'm doing, I get to go back and forth between SLC and NYC blah blah blah. If she only knew. If she only knew! Is there something I'm missing here?

...this whole experience with The Guy kinda shook me out of the weirdness I was building around it. I was getting too focused in, too narrow, pinpointing anything ad. So jealous. I existed too much for him and put a semester of school on the back burner. I got a lot of confidence back when I went to SLC, I'm wanting to work harder again. I don't care about the label anymore. I don't want to get caught up in that pettiness when now I see that actions definitely speak louder than words with him. It is what it is. I know it. I can feel it. With my head clearer I see more of who he is and why he's about what he's about. Patience..."




Jan 30

"Jenny and [her boyfriend[] are apparently doing very well. She said something today about how perfect it all is. She's missing everything but a rock...

...marriage does scare me shitless, but I'm getting ready to find that...

...I've never been practical, but I hope to always take the frantic, whirlwind, confusion of the one who makes me weak in the knees rather than the safety net. The Guy has quite the affect on me. He leaves me absolutely addicted and drained and captured and yearning and wanting and frustrated. 'That which nourishes me also destroys me.' "




February 10

"...I'm supposed to be memorizing but all I want to do is write. I wonder more often than not lately if I should not be with The Guy anymore. I just wonder if this is how it's supposed to be. If it's really supposed to be that hard. If I spend more time in torment rather than bliss...is that the chaotic love I've always dreamed of? Crazy, tormented love? Because it's not much fun. I'm trying hard to listen to my instincts. If I'm constantly feeling up in the air and suspicious and unsatisfied, is there a reason? Or is it in my head? For everything he says or does to take away a security or a happiness, he'll do another do make me stay. Why do I stay? What is it I can't walk away from? I don't even know anymore. Is it because [he had lost his mother a few years back] he keeps me at a distance? Will he never get attached? And is there a woman out there who can handle that?"




And then there was my living situation. A big misunderstanding happened and things were going from bad to worse. My teacher, Tucker, was dating a former student who now worked at the front desk. Even though he had to have been in his early thirties and she was probably mid twenties, it seemed so grown up to me. An older man, a teacher. Dating a former student? Wow. It was foreign for me but I got so used to them as a couple that when they broke up at the end of the year, that blew my mind even more. Then I heard another teacher, the girl who had been an understudy and performer in The Donkey Show was now apparently seeing Steve (who'd hooked me up with the manhattan apartment) and it was hush hush. I heard this news from Jenny, who'd seen them in the park together, looking cozy. By this point I wasn't all that surprised by hearing these kind of things and I really didn't care or think twice about it. One night I was out with Jenny and Charles and she jokingly said something about Steve and the teacher. Charles was good friends with Steve and when she said that, his eyes looked like they were about to pop out of his head. I felt a pang of worry, not wanting Charles to think I was gossiping about them, but laughed it off and changed the subject. Soon after, my roommate Liz who owned the apartment came knocking on my door. She had a lengthy letter from Steve going on and on about how terrible it was that she'd told me about he and the teacher. Oh god, here we go. Obviously she'd said nothing, and now things were getting messy. I can only guess Charles told Steve that Jenny and I knew, and naturally Steve would think Liz had told me rather than he plain got seen in the park. Turns out, he had told Liz he was seeing the teacher. Now Liz was standing in my doorway, confirming it. I wanted to cover my ears, I'm not hearing this! Looking back on it, it was funny that it was such a secret, because everyone kinda knew anyway. Unfortunately this would prove to be a drama we'd never recover from. I was now somehow involved in a he said she said that I didn't want to be. Steve would now keep me at arms length and it would only start the ball of awkward between Liz and I. For some reason, seeds of doubts were planted all around. Oh god. Would I seriously need to think about moving...again?







Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html
Part 22: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_20.html
Part 23: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-23.html
Part 24: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-24.html
Part 25: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-25.html
Part 26: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-26.html
Part 27: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-27.html
Part 28: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-28.html

Remember remember the end of September...in pictures.

Photo shoot yesterday with Laurens Photogrpahy. Find her on facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Laurens-Photography/187329591315640











Updated headshots...

My New York Diaries - Part 28

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


Jan. 22

"So, picking up where we left off...it's getting fuzzy to me at this point. But we talked. We were able to talk. Seriously, rationally. We ended up going to [champagne bar] right across from Ty's restaurant. Finally we were alone. We walked down there arm in arm. He asked about the Old Flame and if I'd heard from "that guy". And when I said I was going back to Utah, he asked if it was to see "that guy". I told him we were still talking and he writes me [emails]. Anyway, we're drinking lots of champagne. I've had a sneaking suspicion he's slept with [more girls than he'd let on] and cheated before. So later in the night I ask. He's slept with more than he can count at this point but he guesses [double the number he'd told me before]. He said he cheated on the Ex Girlfriend with her best friend. He was saying he just didn't have a connection with the Ex Girlfriend. He said she knew he cheated. I was finding out she really was never the threat I thought, which made more sense.

This turned out to be the weirdest night ever. He was saying some fucked up things. It sounded like he was having an identity crisis. He was talking about going to visit the Ex Ex Girlfriend in LA, buying a suit to "schmooze" in, and trying to be "the guy" that he used to be. The one that "had men and women falling all over him." Full of I guess, "charm, charisma, personality." He was saying he needs to get that back. I felt like I said all the right things that night. I don't know if I did or not, but I did for that moment. I told him it sounded like he wanted to be fake. I told him he should ask me what I see in him sometime. That I wouldn't tell him, then. I asked him at one point, "are we gonna be okay?" And he said gently, "we'll be okay, I just need some space." He got up a couple times and both times this man ran over to me trying to get my number. I gave it to him the second time and he asked what the point was of being out with The Guy. He never called. One point - him.

Come to find out this night, The Guy and *Little Actress did have a something once but she was "too weak" for him.

*Little Actress was a year ahead of me and in class with The Guy. I remember seeing her in a scene from "Hamlet" and she was fantastic. She was very petite and had a shaved head. Her face was absolutely stunning. I know her and the guy were friends and I felt a little threatened by her. A few times when they'd hung out or talked on the phone I was worried about it and always wondered if something had gone on.

I was seeing weakness in him for the first time and I felt myself growing more and more confident. He was talking in oxymorons. No relationship, blah blah but then he's like, "I'm getting old. I'm so old, I gotta start thinking about marriage and fatherhood." He said he wants a wedding in Greece, in an old theatre. I thought that was the most beautiful thing I'd ever heard. I am still wondering if it's his own dream or a dream with someone else. Anyway, to my surprise we end up going home together. Ty meets us, exhausted, but seems to like me more than ever. Maybe he thought all was well. So once we're in the cab, he puts his arm around my waist. We get back and sit and talk to Ty for awhile. Ty goes to bed. We kiss and go in his room...

...we get up, ride the subway, but he's not making an effort to keep a conversation with me whatsoever. He wont even stand near me. I make the mistake of asking him to a movie on tuesday. He looks at me smiling like, "you know that's not going to happen." He does kiss me goodbye. And that's that. This next little bit, this waiting, was the worst few days, well almost week, ever. It was an absolute eternity. At first I felt empowered by seeing him weaken. I felt fierce and doted on and carless the first two days or so. Then as time went on I just wanted to forgive and forget and take back the awful night and be with him. I couldn't imagine my life without him suddenly. I wasn't ready for this. I thought he was out of my life. I didn't know how I was going to handle this. I thought I had ruined everything I'd worked so hard for. I had made up my mind for him that he was never going to call me again.

Lynne left Ty a message, saying we'd be at the show thursday. I was getting more and more paranoid about this. I thought it might be too soon. Then wednesday night Jenny and I went to a movie. [She slept over at my place] We had crazy dreams that night. I dreamt of The Guy out on a date, drinking wine. Toasting, clinking glasses, getting to know a new girl. We're on the phone and I ask him if he's on a date and he says yes but that he and I will remain "good friends". It's a girl he met on Ty's show. So I wake up the day of the show with a sinking feeling. I feel the most negative yet. I am sure it will be a disaster, I wake up in tears. I'm completely at a loss. All signs point to no. Even last night, that song that says, "how's it gonna be when you don't know me anymore" came on. I haven't heard it in years. It's been in my head and what are the odds it would play? So then I get up and to go a rehearsal. I'm having my coffee [where I always had coffee and lunch by ATC] when my phone rings with a message. I'm expecting it to be my director with rehearsal info. But it's The Guy. And it's good. And he's saying he hopes to see me at the show. "Please come. We'd like to see you there tonight. I'll see you tonight. If not, I'll be put off". His tone is upbeat. I cry. I can breathe."




Remember a few blogs back when I talked about the "Amelie" crumble? It happened again. But this time, in a good way.




"So we go to the show, The Guy changes the scenes. He walks on. Lynne gasps, "he looks so handsome". Always. And it's so weird. I don't even dare to write these things...but I saw for a minute, or felt for a minute what it would be like for him to be my husband. And as he bent down to lift a table, I pictured how he'd bend down to lift a child. I saw him as a father. Oh god! Shake this off! So afterward we see each other but he's still "shy". We go to a bar for drinks and Lynne and Ty are cuter than ever and I want The Guys undivided attention but know it's not going to happen just yet. We go back home and Lynne makes The Guy sit up front [in the cab] which reall put me off, actually since she knew we were just getting back to normal...

...in the morning things are good and he's smiling again. The night before he says he's a lot happier, especially without the restaurant [he's just quit]. I told him I worry about him, he said not to. I I told him that all those things in him he thinks he's "lost" are the things I see.

I go to rehearsal happy...

...I can't believe it could all feel this way. And I just love him...

...I want to see him every morning by me. I have no desire to build this up with someone else, if that could even be possible. I don't know what all this means or how to word it or what to say...I just have to leave it with this right now. I'm in the airport now, in the cab. On the way here I couldn't stop thinking about how we almost - how that was almost it. How close I came to losing him and realizing, maybe, just what he is to me. For better or worse."




So much had happened in such a short amount of time. I thought I'd wanted to escape back to SLC for a minute and now I didn't want to. He thought he needed to escape from me for a minute and now he didn't want to. So what way would this go from here? Better? Or worse? I'd now realized, or at least admitted I was in love. And I was trying my hardest not to let him take over every last ounce of me. There was still school...you know, the reason why I'd moved here. And there was still the casting of the big show to stress over. What way would it all go?




Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html
Part 22: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_20.html
Part 23: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-23.html
Part 24: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-24.html
Part 25: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-25.html
Part 26: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-26.html
Part 27: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-27.html

My New York Diaries - Part 27

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

So there I am with The Guy for the third night in a row.




Jan 19

"We watch movies and I keep falling asleep. In between movies The Guy plays the answering machine. Let me just interject here that if I were a psychic I would have looked into my crystal ball that day and I would have known to call it a night before going back to Brooklyn. This was going to be a very grave mistake. So anyway, he's checking the machine and it's a girls voice. "Hey The Guy, I'm in California. Partying it up in San Francisco. Happy New Year, tell Ty happy New Year as well. Love you, bye." I look closely at them. Neither react. This completely turns me upside down yet again. I can't concentrate on this next fucking lame movie. I spend the time on the phone with Jenny and then Lynne in The Guys room. Lynne bitches about the Ty thing, I bitch about the message. I decide I have to ask. I go out in time for the end. I think they're sensing something is off, but maybe not. We go to bed...

...I try to slide into who was that on the answering machine. It was the Ex Ex Girlfriend. I thought it would be the Ex Girlfriend. The Ex Girlfriend was the one I always thought was the threat. I'd find out I was wrong tonight.

*The Ex is the one I've mentioned before, who he'd moved to NYC with and who he'd broken up with just before we got together. The Ex Ex happened before, I'd only heard snippets and none seemed good.

One thing leads to another. He's being more stubborn than ever. He's talking in circles. He's fucking with me on purpose. I'm crying again. Everything is snowballing out of control. I don't remember what my point was, or if I ever had one, or why I'm talking by this time, but now it's back to what we "are" and it's worse than ever. He evades the question and I tell him his answers every other time were taken back by something he'd say later and I was constantly up in the air. This only digs my grave faster because he says, "If I'm not making you happy then..." and we know where that is headed. We talk a lot. We talk about exes. I get out of him that it was the Ex Ex Girlfriend who was the only one he ever really thought it could possibly still have worked out with. I tell him about the Old Flame, in so many words. How the Old Flame is offering me the world and I was once completely in love with him, blah blah, fill the grave faster. Pile that dirt. He asks me if I was "with" the Old Flame in UT. If I made out with him. "Of course not". I'm getting nowhere fast. My ship is sinking so I surrender. My white flag goes something like this, "Okay let's drop it. I am happy with you. You do make me happy. Do you believe me?" He says yes. "Promise?" zzzzzzzzzzzz

Next day we're up late. He's late for work and seems pissed. Calls work, only to be told he "needs manners". And yes, he has to go in. I know something is wrong. I want to rub out the previous night. But I can't. We do kiss goodbye and that's that. So I leave a message like this, "I just wanted to say I'm glad we got to hang out these last few days, because I missed it. And about last night, let's never talk about that again, because it's just not worth it...it's not worth it." I went on to talk about auditions, and that was that. I didn't hear from him for forever after that and I just knew something was wrong. I relayed messages to my friends of our talk, all saw it in different ways...

...so I wait...wait...wait. I'm in agony, of course. Finally he calls on a sunday night. We talk for a bit. I think it seems okay. I tell him to call me tomorrow and maybe we can do something. He says he sill. So the next day I never hear from him. I leave two messages. Nothing. I try him the next afternoon but don't even bother to leave a message. I'm so scared and can't believe it could all be going so dreadfully wrong. But now there isn't anything left to do. So once again, I wait. And wait...and wait. And it's worse. It kills me ten times more. I think I should go back home and begin to question a lot about myself and what I want. January 4th I admit to myself, and then to others I love him. Jesus Christ I must love him. Then one day I'm out to lunch with Jenny, the one night I turn off the phone I've kept glued to my hand and checking 24/7. As I walk away from her work I listen to my message...his message. Saying how he's been working a lot, got my messages, working on Tys show now, etc. Call him back. I do, but can't get ahold of him right then. I leave a message saying I'd given up on him, thought he'd fallen off the face of the earth but was glad he called and wanted to talk to him.

Then I'm on the phone with the Old Flame for half an hour and he calls. Phone tag, you're it. Then I end up trying for ages, no answer - phone is off. I figure he's at work. I call late leaving a message saying I still really want to talk or meet up, I could come up to his work, he could come down to my place, even for a little bit. Finally I decide to try his apartment [landline phone]. He's been there all night. We make a plan to meet the next night. He says nothing is wrong when I ask, and that if it was he would tell me when I ask. So he calls the next night at seven. We'll meet at [bar next to ATC] at ten. He shows at ten thirty . Of course I had been out of my mind. Sean was with him, they'd been at a play at ATC. We meet up with some girl [friend of theirs] who is too loud and too opinionated and obnoxious for me. She seems to know me, but I don't recognize her. I'm bummed. I'm bored. He's directed 90% of conversation to them. There's only so many times I can get up to go to the bathroom.

He tells me. He comes clean. He'd been completely freaked out since our last conversation. Seriously freaked. So serious it crossed his mind to walk away. To never call again. To become anonymous and disappear into New York City."




To become anonymous and disappear into New York City?! Hearing those words hit me like a ton of bricks. Now I was seriously freaked.





Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html
Part 22: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_20.html
Part 23: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-23.html
Part 24: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-24.html
Part 25: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-25.html
Part 26: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-26.html

My New York Diaries - Part 26

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I got my first tattoo over that christmas break back in SLC. It was on a total whim. I was headed over to see my aunt Lydia and almost as soon as I walked in the door she said, "let's get a tattoo!" I had been in tattoo shops before to get an idea of what I might want someday if I were to get one, and I'd seen Rachel get tattooed. I said yes, I'd do it. Lydia showed me a package of fake tattoos she'd bought and showed me a fairy sitting on a crescent moon. She said she was thinking about getting that design. I thought it was really pretty and so we decided to get matching tattoos. She would get hers on her ankle, I'd get mine on my left shoulder blade. I figured that was a safe spot for an actress, not too visible. We went to the place I'd been before and talked to Rachels artist. He was able to get us in that afternoon. I was getting scared but I was excited. She gave me half a pain pill. I watched as Lydia was tattooed first. I wanted to make sure she lived through it. She could hardly talk, she said it hurt so much. Uh oh. But when my turn came, I loved every minute of it. It might have been that half a pill but it didn't hurt, and I'm smiling or laughing in every photo she took of me getting tattooed. I was so proud of that tattoo and so happy with it. A first tattoo is a right of passage, I was feeling very grown up. I couldn't wait to show it off to just about every one I knew.

I also got a new hair color when I was home. We took out the black and lightened it up to brown with blonde streaks and gave me bangs. My hair had grown out to past my shoulders from that first short cut I'd done when I'd moved. I had a new winter coat and clothes from Christmas, I felt like a whole new woman. I was excited to show it all off as I headed home to NYC.


When I got back home and back to school, we found out what our big end of year and end of the program play would be. It was "Balm in Gilead" by Lanford Wilson and directed by one of my favorite teachers, Tucker. I read it and my heart was instantly set on the lead, Darlene.




Jan 19

"...Tomorrow and monday is the showcase. "Leaving Las Vegas". I feel pretty good about it, I just gotta find a costume. I'm having fun at school right now. I'm excited about it for once, again. It's so true that you don't realize you are in your prime or having the time of your life when you actually are. This is more fun than "Museum". "Museum" didn't feel like much to me. I can't stop thinking about "Balm in Gilead". I'm going to get that role or die trying. God, I wan't that role so bad. I really don't know who can pull it off the way I know I could. And Tucker is directing. I want to know now, right now, if I can just be Darlene! Anyway...tuesday I'm going back to Utah. Julie's mom gave me a $50 roundtrip buddy pass. I planned this at a time when I thought my world was crashing down upon me, which it seems to do from time to time. But then it always picks up again. Let me back up. I arrive in NYC once again. And once again The Guy calls immediately and saves me. Thank god he does this, I think, or I'd go mad. Anyway, he'd called the night before as well, when I had been roller skating with Julie, Jack and the Old Flame. So we planned to see each other the next night. So I'm in the cab and he calls twice. It's taking me forever to get home, I'm still in desperate need of showering and he's like two blocks from my apartment. But he waits. I'm on my way over to [store in times square where we were meeting]. I spot him down by the magazines, moment of truth, and nothing is out of place for me! It's all there...as if I really didn't know. He's in a black coat, scarf, and oh lord, a fedora. We end up at a very nice bar by [another bar Jenny used to work at]. Eventually Sean and Lynn come. The Old Flame calls at some point but I don't remember what was said. It feels like another world now. We go to [another bar] and Ty comes, but I'm oblivious to all that isn't The Guy. We're at another place. We're all wrapped up in each other. Ty and Lynne leave, then awhile later so do we...

...we go into the [The Guys] apartment he says he hopes they're not up. We walk in, I get there first and say. "They're up!" He comes straight for me and bulldozes me right into the bedroom...

...next day is New Years Eve. I go home, unpack, lounge and get ready to meet Sean, his friend and Jenny at [the new bar Jenny is working at]. It kinda blows. I talk to the Old Flame at midnight but once again I don't really know what's said, or care, really. We go up to Lynne's bar. We meet up with Charles, his friend from out of town and another guy from school. Anyway. The Guy finally gets there [having been at work] at like 2:00. He comes in carrying a big bunch of balloons from his restaurant for me. Some drunk man runs up and steals one. The Guy tells me to go pop it with a cigarette, but I don't. I tie down the balloons, I'm dancing all over the place, some older guy touches my ass, I freak out. Lynne's friend yells at him, so he gives her $20 [?!?!] We have fun. Not the New York New Years of my dreams by a long shot, but as long as I'm with The Guy that's what counts. So The Guy ends up drunker than I've ever seen him. Everyone leaves, we're in the back room and he's Mr. Broadway song and dance man, making up lyrics and singing about the black mans oppression. Ty sits by the fireplace on the phone with an ex girlfriend for half an hour. Lynne is not a happy camper. The Guy is going to be sick. He gets up and can't walk straight to the bathroom. We need to leave. So we're going back to Brooklyn, having fun, putting on glitter and talking about our "stage names" for our "band"...

...we sleep well into the next day. He finally gets up, leaving me with "Star Wars" thinking I'll get up faster that way. To defy him I stay and watch almost an hour of the damn thing, thinking he's showering and getting ready. he finally comes in and he's been sitting around and doesn't believe I've really been awake, watching it. So we get up and hang out with Ty and watch tv and laugh at Cirque du Soleil. Then we all go out to eat japanese food, meeting up with Sean and his friend. After they leave and Ty gets a head start home, we try to go to a movie but everything has started. We go to [store], he wants to buy a dvd. He goes something that I know right away I'll have no interest in. So then it's kinda assumed I'm going back home with him again for the third night in a row. Ty has friends coming in the next day and he was saying they needed to clean, but I still go."




What do they say about too much of a good thing? I was about to find out that a three consecutive nights was not going to be such a good idea.











Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html
Part 22: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_20.html
Part 23: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-23.html
Part 24: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-24.html
Part 25: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-25.html

My New York Diaries - Part 25

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

That kiss. What in the world? How had I just allowed that to happen? I'd just run into the Old Flame again. This was night one! My only goal had been to hear his apology and flaunt my new New York life in front of him. It wasn't my intention to kiss him. Was I really stirring things up to protect myself from being hurt by The Guy? Was I really so scared of him behaving this way that I wanted to beat him to it? Or did I just like the drama? Why hadn't I listened to Jack and stayed away from the cookies? Ugh.



"We kissed. Not for very long, but a really real kiss. We ended up falling asleep up there. He put his arm around me and we went to sleep. In the morning I crept out of there. Benny was downstairs and his boyfriend was on his way to get us. Benny seemed kind of weirded out about me kissing the Old Flame, let alone falling asleep with him. So I left the Old Flame my number and said thanks, all on an envelope, and left. I felt a little...I don't know the word but now the Old Flame really had a lot to prove to me. He needed to call me asap. I wanted him to show me just how new and improved he was. And sure enough he left me a message, wanting to make sure I was okay and wanting to see what I'd be up to that night. He wanted me to call Adams. So I did. I talked to Adam and didn't ask for the Old Flame. I said I'd call again later and then [when I called again] left a message saying I was too sick from the night before, but for the Old Flame to give me a call. So Christmas Eve he calls and invites me to their Christmas party the next night. So tuesdays party turned into hanging out wednesday, thursday, friday and saturday. We hung out at Adams, with Julie, at Jacks, with his brother, went to movies, watched movies at my moms, had dinner, went to a bar, went roller skating. So much happened in that time. The Old Flame, I think, fell in love with me. He told Jack, and me, so many things my mind is just blown. He said when we kissed, "everything just stopped, and I really missed her." He was telling people how we'd been high school sweethearts. How we were "boyfriend / girlfriend" once. He told me on the way home from [one of the movies we went to] how he was just crazy about me. How he thought I was so amazing. For so many things, for my beauty, who I am, "thank you for being who you are." How he always had fun with me and felt comfortable with me. And something about how that's why none of his relationships worked out after me. He asked if he could still chase me. He was so honest. He was so real, so awkward. He just is who he is."




I couldn't believe I'd gotten myself involved in all this. Of course I liked the attention. Of course I liked knowing that there were other guys, and not just anyone but a someone who meant something to me, interested. Here was someone else, saying all the right things. But I couldn't help wish I was hearing these things from The Guy.

Who was the right choice?

What a whirlwind two weeks. I couldn't believe all that had happened in that short amount of time. I had a blast seeing family, old friends and the Old Flame. The only part that wasn't a blast was being so sick after that night at Adams that thinking back on it now still makes my stomach turn.

What would all of this mean now? What would it be like to return home and see The Guy?

And do I tell him everything about my Christmas vacation?





Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html
Part 22: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_20.html
Part 23: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-23.html
Part 24: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-24.html

My New York Diaries - Part 24

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Dec 15

"On my way home to Utah. Longest span away, six months! Last night I got my validation. My ending on a good note. The Guy calling me, seeing him, spending the night, him saying cute things. Us in good spirits. Him telling me [I was going to get hit on while away at home] "of course you'll get hit on, you're Deena!" Ty's boss asking if we were together, him assuredly saying yes. Well, "mm-hmm" and a positive head nod. I was completely crazy about him. [That night] I woke up and couldn't stop staring at him. I thought he was the cutest thing in the world. It made me smile. He told me he was going to miss me...

...Ty and Lynn are together. Have been since mid October. It can create a weird dynamic, the four of us. Sometimes I don't want it because The Guy was all mine, the whole adventure, discovery of him was mine. I guess now Lynn is a part of that. And it's a lot of fun to talk about and having Ty distracted is nice. Anyway.

...This break is at the right spot. It ended on a good note, the note I needed. Good to reflect, get away now. Play in another land and see what that does to both of us. How it makes us feel. I'll talk to him on Christmas if he doesn't call before then. Times like these I'm very grateful to have Lynn to hold down the fort and report to me. The Guys best female friend and "very attractive" little sister are coming to stay with him which was driving me nuts for awhile but now not my priority to stress over. I need to have more confidence in why he's with me. Still working on the jealousy...

..[the ex] he put her number into his new cell phone. He said before they don't talk. I can't compete with history. So I need to write this here and leave it here for now. An hour and a half to go and it's back to the homeland. It'll be so weird. I wonder how I'll feel there."




I didn't write at all for those two weeks at home. I saved up all that happened and got it out as soon as I was on the plane back to NYC. I somehow ended up being upgraded to first class. I don't know how or why and I remember watching the lady next to me to know what to do. I had no idea what the hot towel was for, so I took my time while watching her out of the corner of my eye and then trying my best to wash my hands with it as if I flew this way all the time. I so badly wanted to order a glass of wine, but I was scared they'd card me. I sure could have used one to go along with all that I was ready to pour onto the page.




December 30

"On the plane again. Getting ready to fly back - home. This is the first time I can confidently say that. I mean it. I'm in a big ass plane, it's like the one I was on going to Hawaii. I'm wondering if [where I'm sitting] is a mistake and if someone will come and tell me to move. I can't get over how big it is, how nice everyone is. Anyway. Jesus God, this is such a significant vacation back here. I spent the first week just with family. Christmas shopping, dinner with Adrianna, dinner with the parents, Christmas eve at Adrianna's. But the second week was pretty much spent with someone else. The Old Flame. [See part 19 of my New York Diaries for more regarding the Old Flame. We'd dated in high school, had gone to prom and when he moved away to college he broke my heart by cheating on me and lying to his friends that he had slept with me when he hadn't.) I hadn't gone out until Saturday, then I went to [a club] with Benny, Julie, her boyfriend and his friend. Then - to Adam's.

* Benny was one of my closes friends. I'd known him since Junior high. I remember when he came out. He soon started dating a handsome boy and they're still together to this day! He was a hell of a dancer and has since moved into the medical profession. We don't live in the same state and I very, very rarely see him now but he was around for a lot of significant things in my life and I will always love him dearly. Julie was one of my best girl friends and we have remained close to this day. Adam was the Old Flame's best friend through high school and I'd had my share of nights hanging out with him. He was nice, but crazy. I hadn't been able to quite figure him out back then. Now, he lived in a house with some other guys and they were known for it being quite the party house.

I thought for awhile I'd go. I wanted to go. I wanted the Old Flame to see me. I was ready this time. The Old Flame and the First Kiss were the two I wanted to see. On the way to Adam's I find out the First Kiss is getting married - that VERY day! So I was a little bummed, a little weirded out. Anyway, we're at Adam's, he's not home and we're sitting with guys I've never met.

*First Kiss...pretty self explanatory. The timing was never right. I had kind of kept him in the back of my mind. I was hoping to run into him at a local spot he still went to, and the place I'd met him. Roller skating. More than anything I was just curious, and I wanted him to see me in my fancy New York glory.

*Remember when I talked about the synchronicity of things a few blogs back? Here was another one of those strange past, present and future kismet moments. The First Kiss was getting married. I was about to see the Old Flame, and years later I'd learn that the man I'd end up marrying lived just across the street!

I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to ask or get ahold of the Old Flame. We call Adam, the Old Flame calls back. At first I won't say who I am. I finally tell him who I am, he doesn't believe me, almost. He says they'll hurry. He sounds excited. Then Julie wants to hide from them. We're in the bathroom when they come in. I hug Adam first, then the Old Flame. We all stand around in the kitchen for awhile drinking wine. A tequila shot. The Old Flame goes ON and ON about his career, (The Old Flame was an actor too and had also left the state. He was now in LA and back in SLC for Christmas vacation.) how he wants to take Starlet Who Was Very Famous to his premiere, how he wants to go on a date with Very Famous Rockstar, he hung out with Very Famous Singer, etc. He said he had an ex girlfriend who he fell completely in love with and she ripped his heart out. It bothered me a little to hear him say he'd been in love, but at the same time I thought, "well he got it back!" We all go upstairs where they want to partake of Adams bong. I'd seen Jack earlier in the night and he said to, "steer clear of the cookies", so I go ahead and ask for one.

*Jack was a close guy friend and although it's rare I see him now, I absolutely adore him still. Julie and Jack will be coming back into the story in the spring, when they come to visit me in NYC.

Plus I involve myself in the passing around of a joint and a pipe. Plus I drink a jack and coke. I move over to sit by the Old Flame and we're in our own little world for what seems like quite awhile. I didn't realize how far gone I'd be. It always hits suddenly. I've never had so much fun on weed. I laughed my ass off over everything. I could barely breathe . Then the Old Flame said I was, "so incredibly hot". At the beginning of the night he gave me a heartfelt apology. Ending in will I forgive him? He kept saying how good it was to see me. He said I had no idea how long he's been wanting to get that off his chest. I was his only regret, he had to apologize. He'd played it over and over in his mind. As the night when on he told me more and more how glad he was to see me. He said his heart skipped a beat when he saw me. Anyway, so we're all upstairs and I don't know where Julie is. Benny is running around with his pants down. Then he comes upstairs with my pashmina wrapped around his head and starts telling a joke that went on forever and kept repeating himself. Then I started getting sick. Trying to fight it but I couldn't do it. I felt like I was being forced down. I started getting queasy and went to lay down on Adams bed. I ended up barfing. Quite a bit, I think. I don't think the Old Flame ever saw. How embarrassing. I don't really remember the way things panned out from there but he totally took care of me. He stayed when I asked him and chose to be by my side up there. He went downstairs at some point and came back up saying how he's hearing things down there about me and a someone in New York. How if that's a good thing he doesn't want to mess it up. I said, "I wouldn't let you." Anyway, I guess Benny told him I had a boyfriend. But I don't know what I said. I don't know how I worked my way out of that one. I think I just said I didn't. Anyway, I think it was probably before this that...we kissed."




What was it The Guy had said about getting hit on...?








Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html
Part 22: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_20.html
Part 23: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-23.html