Ever feel like you're stuck in a loop, learning the same lesson again and again? This week I realized that I am. I have had such a roller coaster with friendships the last year or two. Ending friendships, rekindling friendships, meeting and growing closer with new people, etc. But one thing I keep going through is constant disappointment in the friendship department.
I keep getting my feelings hurt.
I keep feeling as though I care more than others.
I feel like I give more than I get.
I'm constantly inviting friends to things or sending info to something that might interest them. I try my damnedest to make it to their events. I am by no means a perfect friend and I've canceled on people before but I also know how bad that sucks and I remember what it feels like before I do it. I try my hardest not to bail. But I get the last second text that friends are bailing all the time.
I let a lot slide. Probably too much. I don't think I would have cared or noticed when I was younger. It's funny, you'd think as you got older your friendships would take a backseat to career, marriage, family, etc. But I find that the older I get the more important others become. As I grow up I care about others more, I'm not so hyper focused on myself, therefore I can get my feelings hurt easier.
I know we are all the center of our own universes and we're all busy, but sheesh.
I know long gone are the days of hanging out with friends every weekend, that's not what I'm after. But if we're only seeing each other once every six months or so? How is that a friendship? I just want a little effort returned.
This is why I love/hate the internet and texting. Sure, you can keep each other updated on Facebook and stay in touch with long distance friends or relatives, or even meet new people. But when it comes to your "real" relationships, I don't want to communicate with you in ONLY this way. And when I think you're going to come somewhere, I get excited to see you and can't wait to tell you what's going on or even -gasp- ask your opinions about things going on with me. But then I never get the chance.
In many of my friendships I've set myself up to be the listener. Which normally I don't mind, until I realize I'm never asked how I'm doing, or how I'm not thought of.
I am a firm believer that when something repeats, it's time to take a look at the common denominator. In this case, it's me. I'm more than willing to take a long hard look at myself and if I'm doing something wrong I will admit it and work on it. I'm still pondering this...but so far I don't feel as though I'm a bad friend to anyone. In fact, I think the problem is that I'm too concerned with it. I'm giving to much of myself, expecting too much from people in return. I hate to say this...in fact this has been making me really sad the last few days...but I think I need to both invest and expect less. I need to turn my attention elsewhere and conserve my efforts. I need a little self preservation now. I keep putting out my energy, my feelings, and I keep getting wounded.
Maybe if I stop inviting, stop trying so hard I won't be able to be bummed out when I get turned down. I'm not trying to be passive aggressive, I'm being serious. I also don't want to feel or build up any kind of anger. I need a little time...I am able to shrug it off and move on. I want to accept what is and not be upset by the way people behave just because it's not the way I wish they'd behave.
It just seems like it's easy for people to let things slip away. I don't know the meaning of giving up. And if I love you? I fucking love you like crazy and am loyal to a fault.
What I'm guilty of repeating is fighting against, well, most everything. Accept & allow is a slow process, but I'm learning. If "what you seek is seeking you" (see previous post) then I know what I need now is to trust and accept that the life, relationships and connections I desire is just right around the corner.
This has also been happening at a time when things in my family have shifted. I'm not going to go into too many details right now, but a sick family member makes you think about a whole bunch of things you haven't though of before. Like how you never know when you're going to lose someone, or who it's going to be. It doesn't necessarily start with the oldest relatives.
With all of this going on, it sure points out who is there and who does support you and once again my mind is absolutely blown at the incredible person that is my sweetheart. I get choked up just thinking about him. How can one person you can meet by chance, and who is not a family member by blood, care and love you so much? The kind of a commitment between a husband and a wife is like no other. Unreal.
I've said it before and I'll say it again, I truly don't know what I'd do without him. I am very, very, very lucky. I know what we have is special and rare.
I know it's time to grow up, focus elsewhere and change my life.
There is no perfect time to change it, but there are times that are better than others.
All signs point to now.
There are other fish in the sea.
There's more than one way to skin a cat ;)
Thanks for reading. The next post won't be so debbie downer, I promise!
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