My New York Diaries - Part 37

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

WE'RE ALMOST DONE! I'm going to try to wrap this all up with #40 being a sort of epilogue / where are they now.
Wow. So hang in there, this is it!


June 25

"...yesterday was terribly strange. I went through some panic, panic of feeling smothered. Trapped by this. Wondering if I really, deep down was feeling held back. From living, youth, adventures. Wondering why I'm not living in bliss. Wondering if there are phases where excitement goes but hoping it comes back. If this is settling in, getting comfortable...or not a good match.

...what is missing. Wondering, questioning, if he's the one. Not knowing if I want him to be the one. Thinking that if we got married, would that even be enough for me? Why I always want him to do more. I know I'm not done with him. I really wonder if he meant all the "best girlfriend, future, hope we don't burn out" talk. If I'm really the best, does he love me? That's the big question these days. Does he love me? And do I love him? I must. There are times when it's all I can do to keep from yelling it out...

...another big issue with me lately. I've been a complete psycho. Completely...

...suspicious of everything and everyone...

...I know he was someone else with her [The Ex Girlfriend] than he is with me...

...I just can't believe someone could sucker The Guy into thinking they'd be married and live happily ever after. Time passes quicker than you think...

...although I do feel like an old soul, the rest of me thinks I'm [forever] 19. What I wouldn't give to be 19. 18. 17. I wonder, in relationships, if I expect too much. If the prince on the stallion really does exist. If you really can live happily ever after. I have to believe it. I do believe it. Do you have to try that hard? Girls stay because they think nothing better is out there...

...what if I risk and I lose? What if I never find anything to compare to this? I'll admit there are times when I wonder if The Guy didn't look the way he did, if the sex wasn't what it is, would I still be here? And I don't know that I can reach deep enough to find the answers. I think I'm scared. If it's a whole lot of attraction, maybe that's all you really do need. I don't know. I know that there are times when I look at him and I have to look away, I am still so in awe of his beauty and it makes me flustered...

...I wonder what will happen come August. I'm thinking a decision will have to be made at the beginning of August. I know that if he's the one to say it's not a good idea, then I wonder if I could stay with him [The Guy, Ty and myself were in talks about moving elsewhere for September and would it be three? Or two? And by two would it be me and The Guy on our own?]. "It's been too many nights of being with, to suddenly be without" [a line from a poem by Jewel]. I don't want to backtrack. I wonder if it would really be all or nothing with me. And that makes me wonder if I've thrown myself in it for the long haul. Or sometimes...I feel like it's a contest I'm trying to win. To see if I can keep making the "cuts". These next steps...

...why be with someone if all I'm ever going to do is wonder how and when something will go wrong and end...

...nothing is known. Without trust you've got nothing. He's right when he says I take things too personally...

...I want The Guy to be my best friend. I want him to know me more intimately than Jenny. But what if he can't give it? What if this is just it?"




Did he love me? All or nothing. Both were stuck in my head and heart on repeat. But I was about to find out if it would be all or nothing, and if The Guy, my guy did in fact love me. And it would happen sooner than I ever could have imagined.







Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html
Part 22: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_20.html
Part 23: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-23.html
Part 24: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-24.html
Part 25: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-25.html
Part 26: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-26.html
Part 27: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-27.html
Part 28: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-28.html
Part 29: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-29.html
Part 30: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-30.html
Part 31: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/10/my-new-york-diaries-part-31.html
Part 32: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/01/my-new-york-diaries-part-32.html
Part 33: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/01/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 34: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-34.html
Part 35: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-35.html
Part 36: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-36.html

My New York Diaries - Part 36

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


WE'RE ALMOST DONE! I'm going to try to wrap this all up in the next four posts, with #40 being a sort of epilogue / where are they now. Wow. So hang in there, this is it!



I don't remember much else of what happened during that trip back to UT, or hanging out with the Old Flame and I didn't write about it. I don't know if I talked to The Guy again or waited until I was home. The next entry is when I'm already back in NYC.


June 17

"I just finished reading "Prelude to a Kiss" and it was so beautiful. So, so beautiful. It was exactly what I needed right now. I am that character. She is so scared. Scared of life. Wanting to see what it's like to skip the hard part. Just to go right to the end. Last night I was in one of my moods with The Guy. One of my moods that I can say time and time again I can't let become a pattern. We were talking about how we don't know how to do this. He feels like he doesn't know if he's supposed to entertain me or leave me on my own, or what, what to do until I "find my place on the couch". I'm always nervous, jumpy, timid lately. I don't know why. It keeps me held back from my confidence. My passion. My motivation. But after last night, after picking arguments and crying and feeling so skeptical and wary of absolutely everything, I realized I can't live my life that way. Doubting everything and not trusting everyone because it's ruining me. Do something every day that scares you. I'm limiting myself...

...I've got a world of opportunities in front of me right now and it's all about the decisions I make and making them positive and sticking to tit and trying it out instead of thinking it's one more thing that will get fucking up and wanting to run away from it and "start over". In a new place with new people. Why is that the answer? Why don't I give a change to what I have in front of me right now? Am I so scared to be hurt? The Guy says he's worked on not needing people from an early age. What good is that doing to keep shutting people out? I keep shutting out people and experiences because I'm so afraid to be hurt I'm not experiencing a thing. I'm trying to keep a safe world around me and thriving on any little happiness I may happen to get and needn't that reassured over and over because it's all I have...

...It will be a very lonely, bare world for me if I keep thinking of what ISN'T happening. Of what MIGHT happen. And exist in NOW. Because I'll wake up and it will be gone and it could have been good."




June 18

"So just when I'm thinking all's well, something happens. Something get's all fucked up. On the very day. It's 1 a.m. all I want is for The Guy to be home and share with him my newfound happiness. Tell him of my day. Tell him things. I finally find his long lost keys and call him at once to tell him. He's been off work, he's just "fucking around behind the bar waiting for Ty and his New Girl to get there for a cocktail." He'll see me soon, "bye". I call back. Was he going to invite me? He tells me again to get the car service number off the board and come down. Well, if you just wanted to hang with Ty and his New Girl...he says he's just waiting until they get there and all he really wants to do is come home. Okay then, I'll stay here. Time is passing...it's now 3 a.m. Call twice. No answer. Then they all walk in. He comes into the bedroom where I'm reading my script, "you called so I decided to come over!" God. For all he knows here I am waiting up for him to know if I need to let him in. Then he says how a bartender quit and it's because of him and now he's gonna help out behind the bar blah blah blah. Then [he says] they [him, Ty and his New Girl] were all in a cab on the way home when Ty's new girl got a call from a friend and they stopped off at another bar for a drink and how this guy comes in and he's like, "Oh! So you're New Girl's boyfriend!" And when he saw he was wrong, he was like, "well you should be, you should go for New Girl" blah blah. Jesus God. It just gets better and better with him...

...then this morning he seemed like he was in a pissy mood and was being a little bitch about changing the message on the answering machine [to include my name along with his and Ty's now]. Then he did it. Got in the shower. And I left without saying goodbye. I'm probably going to go to bed before he gets home. It is so hard. I don't know how to do this. Is it so hard because it's new and we're feeling each other out? But is he so set in his ways and will never understand compromise or consideration? Can I DO this? Am I ready for this? Could I EVER get married? Why don't things feel like they did in the days before we went out of town? The romance. The ease. The tenderness."




Little did I know that in just eleven days my entire world was about to change. And I mean really change. What was about to happen would change me. For life.







Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html
Part 22: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_20.html
Part 23: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-23.html
Part 24: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-24.html
Part 25: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-25.html
Part 26: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-26.html
Part 27: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-27.html
Part 28: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-28.html
Part 29: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-29.html
Part 30: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-30.html
Part 31: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/10/my-new-york-diaries-part-31.html
Part 32: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/01/my-new-york-diaries-part-32.html
Part 33: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/01/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 34: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-34.html
Part 35: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-35.html

My New York Diaries - Part 35

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


And off I went back home to Utah for a couple of weeks. Before I left my new NYC home, I cleaned up our room and left a little present and note on our bed for The Guy.



May

"Today was the best day! Today was the day when I felt like my vacation was beginning. It was like I'd never left. I didn't want to think about leaving. I wanted to be stuck in this moment. To continue what I'd left behind. As far as friendships go. Relationships. The older I get I see who the core friends are. It's surprising. It's home. It's family...

...I feel so old there now. No that I've gone to New York and surpassed this life in leaps and bounds. I feel so out of place and wonder if everyone sees a maturity or sees me as an adult, or not like them, or how I'm seen...

I wonder where that not a care in the world feeling went. I felt lighter then. It's hard to explain. But it's fun to get caught up in this game of pretend...to hide my secret of how wise I am beyond my years...

...[went roller skating and then to Jack's] we talked of the Old Flame and to the Old Flame. I'm picking him up from the airport. I'm not dreading talking to him about "us", about The Guy as much now. I think it'll go okay. I have to have him in my life. I have to keep him close. I'm looking forward to the rest of this vacation now...

...I can't imagine what The Guy's world is [back home in Louisiana]. He goes back [to NYC] tomorrow. I'm scared out of my mind to see what happens now. I keep dreaming he'll have a change of heart, or panic or...I don't know. I'm having fun playing pretend here. But New York...New York is my heart and The Guy is my heart. My heart is They Guy's and New York has my soul."



May

"The Guy is home today...I'm getting nervous because he hasn't called...

...time lapses scare me. They're never a good thing. At least not for me. I can't wait to see him..."



June 4

"...I pick up the Old Flame from the airport tomorrow..

...who knows what's going on with The Guy. It's been four days. I'm so panicked! What's going on? What?! It could be so many things. He could have cheated and feels guilty. He could have heard some bad advice and swayed his opinions. He could have a had a new perspective on things and realized he isn't ready for a relationship and we moved in way too fast and it's not going to work. He could be in a panic over his "New York life", or the destruction of. He could want to move home, or to Los Angeles in September and is avoiding telling me. He could've run into Lynne and she could have talked smack. The Ex Ex Girlfriend could have come back, slept in our bed, and messed up the gift and note. Ty could have been with Lynne and heard smack and passed it on. I don't know what to do or think...



June 5

"Guess who finally fucking remembered how to dial the phone? Yup. Instead of leaving me happy as hell, it left me in tears. Something about being home and almost getting his ass kicked. Something about a friends ex wife being a looker so guys start and I don't know what anything had to do with anything. I don't know what he was talking about, what importance it was I knew how hot this chick was and how that relates to him almost getting his ass kicked? He sounded happy. Me: Do you miss me? Him: What? Me: Do you miss me? Him: "Of course - insert what seemed like a sixty second pause - not! Me: I don't miss you either! At all! Him: Good! And the fun ensues. The Ex Ex Girlfriend is back. Oh, and where is she sleeping? Yup. You know, I never, in a million years would've guessed that if she came back, which I knew I hadn't heard the end of her, The Guy would let her stay in his goddamn bed! The bed we both sleep in! OUR fucking from? Is he retarded? Does it get any more disrespectful than that?! I'm not being irrational. I'm sticking by this and this is most definitely getting talked about when I get home! Some ex girl in my bedroom, my bed?! Who does she think she is? "Who's stuff is this?" And, "where were you all night, I was so worried about you!" [said Ex Ex Girlfriend to The Guy] What does that mean? Why would she dare ask questions like that unless The Guy has purposely hidden the fact I am his girlfriend? Or does he do it thinking it's just plain none of her business? I told him to make her sleep on the futon. When I asked what goes on in that bed, all he said was, "uh, she sleeps." I called back and asked about [my] rent and he kept ending the conversation. I called again. "One more thing. Is Ex Ex Girlfriend going to be there when I get back?" He said something about her being really stupid to try and she'd find some guy to take care of her. I said, "promise she'll sleep on the futon?" God dammit! I'm so hurt! I'm so mad and so helpless and I hate going back to a big fucking nothing when all of my friends are here. Fuck!"







Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html
Part 22: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_20.html
Part 23: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-23.html
Part 24: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-24.html
Part 25: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-25.html
Part 26: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-26.html
Part 27: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-27.html
Part 28: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-28.html
Part 29: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-29.html
Part 30: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-30.html
Part 31: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/10/my-new-york-diaries-part-31.html
Part 32: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/01/my-new-york-diaries-part-32.html
Part 33: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/01/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 34: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-34.html

My New York Diaries - Part 34

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Right before the end of school I missed another class. By accident (again), you could say.

I remember witnessing several breakdowns over the course of our school experience. We'd all seen our fellow classmates cry at this point. We're in acting school for god's sake. We were nerves exposed daily. I saw Kim go through a breakup with a long time boyfriend. It was scary to me. It seemed like just the other day she was saying they'd decorated their Christmas tree. It had seemed so romantic and grown up and I wondered if I'd ever know what it was like to decorate a tree with the one I loved. It was even scarier the day Bobby came in announcing his split from his long time boyfriend. What?! How? Why? I'd seen their amazing rent controlled apartment. Who would be moving out? Who would be staying? How would life go on?

I also witnessed girls getting into fights and crying and teachers having to get involved.

I also saw students cry when butting heads in class with teachers.

I guess you could say that one day, things added up for me and I found myself in tears outside of a class. I can't remember what it was that set it off, I'm sure a combination of stress with moving, with The Guy, with Lynne, with school ending. It was all just a lot at once.

I'll never forget this particular teacher rushing past me as to "not see me" and I kind of wished she would stop and make sure I was okay. I probably could have used a little wisdom and guidance from one of them in that moment. But Oscar stayed with me. Even though it meant he'd be locked out. He said it was okay and he talked and comforted me the entire time.

Then before I knew it, school was done. I was graduated. It was over, just like that.

I did it. I fucking did it. I'd moved to New York. I'd gotten into my dream school. I'd played my dream role in our final show. Holy shit.

But now what?

It was time to move in with The Guy. Once again, Jenny was there for me to drive the van we'd rented and help me pack. Oscar came too. We got out of my manhattan apartment in record time. I didn't have much to pack up anyway. I took one last look at my completely empty room, knowing I'd be leaving the convince of this location but excited to get to Brooklyn where The Guy was. Jenny and Oscar were truly incredible friends.

They don't make 'em like that anymore.



May 30

"...I had to be rested to move in the next day. Well, I ended up with two hours of sleep...

...The Guy went to meet his parents for brunch, so I did it all [the moving] and had everything organized when he got home. My side of the closet. He got home and seemed very happy and excited to see my things there. We looked through some of my things, it was fun. It was all so brand new, it was like a sleepover. But one to last a loooooong time! I had to stay up until my plane to Utah that was leaving at six a.m. I don't know how I did it, but I did it. Two hours of sleep in two days...

...we stay up with beer an ice cream in front of the tv. It's finally time to call a car. We almost fall asleep hugging each other standing up. He tells me to call when I get there. I check in. Flight looks good. They start calling the standby list. [I had used a buddy pass from Julie's mom several times in the past, and had never had a problem] Don't get on. Get on the flight at for seven a.m. to Huston. Very pissed but willing to do it. Then...Oh, you'll be waiting in Huston until nearly nine pm. No...wait...that one's booked. You'll never make it. I'll put you on for tomorrow morning. What could I do but call my dad, crying, call The Guy, crying, and come back. I was barely able to pay for the ride home. A wasted fifty dollars. No sleep for nothing. I felt sick. I felt sad. I went inside and couldn't even say a word. The Guy just hugged me, steered me to the bedroom and held me. Kissed my forehead, said, "I'm sorry", and we fell asleep. It was all I asked. It was safe. It was right. He's my savior. We woke up and he asked if I wanted to go into the city to get his nikes. I got ready while he made me my own set of keys. I loved it. Can I tell you how much I loved waking up with him, this time in our room. Taking my shower there now. Riding the subway. Looking over his shoulder ads he reads "Time" magazine. Quiet. Peaceful. Comfortable. Shopping together uptown. Having lunch, pizza together. Kissing goodbye on the street corner as we parted ways. Him calling me to tell me he saw a guy on the subway wearing the shoes he'd wanted. I went home and went to sleep. While I slept he'd called, wanting me to go to his restaurant. I called at like 11:30pm and he said he only had one more table, so I stayed home and started watching a movie with Ty and his new girl. It was getting later and later. I was getting nervous. I called him after two hours had gone by and he said he was having a beer and had had that late table but he'd be there in a half hour. I was having all sorts of visions of him cheating on me. I couldn't believe he wasn't home when he knew he had to pack [he was also taking a trip back home to Louisiana] and wouldn't see me for over three weeks. Here I'd just moved in and he wasn't there. I didn't want to nag, or get upset. I just wanted to be with him. And really be with him on our last day. I'd even thought to just give up and go to bed but I couldn't let it end that way. Finally, another hour or so later I heard his keys. The keys I kept thinking I was hearing every ten minutes. Sean was now there. Ty and his girl still snuggling. Me half asleep on the corner of the couch. He came in looking so happy. All smiles. Threw his hands in the air saying, "one big happy family!" I smiled weakly. But he reached out to scoot me over and hopped over to lay with me. I didn't say anything, just hugged him tightly. When he got up I went into our bedroom. He came in, we lied down and talked...

...he asked if it felt sudden. Yes. Good. You? Very. He said it was the first time he's been gone and thinking how he has someone to come home to. How it was scary. But he liked it. How all through the night things would go through his mind like how my stuff was in his room. "But she smells good". That tv is too small. All her musical theatre stuff. Just deal with it. "But she smells good."

He said, "Heather should be your best friend." Why? "All this is her doing". I still don't know the details. Whatever she said must have really gotten to him. He went on to talk about how it had been over a year and not only was I his girlfriend but I was the best girlfriend he'd ever had! There was a million things I wanted to say to him at that moment. But instead I said, "wanna see my new shoes?" He said, "thank you for breaking the uncomfortable silence" and I said, "Oh no! Thank your for getting drunk and telling me this!"

...I could tell he was looking at me a lot. I wanted to look at him...but I was scared. Too nervous I'd tell him how much I loved him...

...he said something else about our future...something about how scary it is and how exciting and how he hopes he doesn't freak out and I don't lose interest in him and he wonders how this will play out and he hopes we don't burn out. Then that really got me thinking. About what that means. The concept of burning out. How do you not burn out? I think it's always so much simpler than everyone makes it. If you're meant to be, then you're meant to be. All I know is from the minute I saw him I knew he was it. I knew we were destined to be together. Even when I didn't know how or when we'd ever meet, or that he had a girlfriend, it didn't matter. Maybe you could say it was love at first sight."






Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html
Part 22: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_20.html
Part 23: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-23.html
Part 24: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-24.html
Part 25: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-25.html
Part 26: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-26.html
Part 27: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-27.html
Part 28: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-28.html
Part 29: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-29.html
Part 30: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-30.html
Part 31: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/10/my-new-york-diaries-part-31.html
Part 32: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/01/my-new-york-diaries-part-32.html
Part 33: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/01/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html

My New York Diaries - Part 33

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


As much as I hate to say it...Lynne and I had slacked off...a little. I didn't think late nights with The Guy and Ty had affected us, but maybe? One day the two of us were in the green room waiting for our next class to start. It was getting close so as we checked the board with the schedule one last time, we saw that class that day wasn't in that building but at the theatre. Now, this was sometimes the case but we had made an honest mistake in not seeing this. We booked it out of there and ran the couple blocks up and avenues over as fast as we could. It felt like we were running in molasses, like it does in a dream. We weren't going to get there fast enough. We rushed in and ran up the stairs only to have this teacher tell us he was sorry, and in a rather unapologetic tone, and shut the door in our faces. Shit. Remember what I said about not wanting to miss class? It was very frowned upon. And I think Lynne and I were starting to get on our classmates nerves with being in our own little world. I'll never forget the two of us laying on the stairs, panting, knowing that what had just happened was not good. Like I often do, I tried to make light of it and laugh once the initial shock had passed, but she wasn't having it. I didn't know why her reaction was quite that strong. We weren't in danger of getting kicked out. But I think this was the beginning of our "falling out".

When we were no longer in the same classes the final semester, I was bummed. Things began to get awkward between us. She seemed to be befriending those we had complained about before. I was realizing we'd slowly been isolating ourselves, but she was the one I still wanted to hang out with most. I had no interest in bonding with classmates I hadn't gotten close to by this point. I wasn't going to suddenly have a new bestie, so instead I had spring fever.

I had found some of her behavior questionable but never would have stopped being her friend. Like when she chose not to be involved with "Balm in Gilead". She said her bartending job plus school load made it too hard. I was surprised, I mean, why were here then? But I figured she needed to do what she needed to do.

Ty also broke things off with her around this time when he met someone new that he was pretty crazy about.

I remember her telling me that she'd had a conversation with this older red head that was also a student. She was someone the two of us previously said we couldn't stand. She was more of a teachers pet than I'd ever seen anyone be, including elementary school. I got the vibe she thought our behavior was inappropriate, but I found hers to be, too. She was married, but could always be found sitting on the lap of another student who was also married. They were constantly flirting and pretty inseparable and I was always super uncomfortable about it. It was the first time I'd really observed something like that.

Anyway, Lynne told me one day that they'd talked and she'd explained to the red head that the two of us were younger and had bonded and really needed each other and related to each other. The red head explained that since she was much older, she couldn't behave any other way than taking school as seriously as possible. I guess they came to some kind of understanding and I felt both the need to also explain myself to the red head, too (which I never truly would have) and also a bit of betrayal from Lynne.

As we slowly drifted apart, Lynne seemed to get stockholm syndrome from being in class with the red head and really started trying to shape up, or kiss butt, or...I'm not sure what. But it seemed like her final semester was going to include me less and less.

The day she stormed in, I think I asked if she was okay. She responded with "I'm pissed". I asked, "at who?" Truly surprised. She just glared at me. "At me?!" I asked. "Yes!" She said. I can't remember what was said but I was mostly speechless as she told me that she was upset that I had missed another class and was basically upset I wasn't behaving like her. This was the first time I'd ever been on this end of a confrontation and I didn't know how to respond. I do remember that Steve (who was also no longer speaking to me since he thought I'd ratted out his forbidden relationship) was sitting nearby and went into the green room to announce to everyone that Lynne was yelling and we were fighting.

I didn't know what to do. I felt isolated, my feelings were hurt and the thought of school ending was now even more bittersweet. I don't remember if that was our last conversation, but we didn't have many more days left. So we spent them avoiding each other.

How had this happened?

Looking back on it I think it was her version of "tough love" but it was an uncharacteristic way for her to go about it.

All I knew was that the days of myself, The Guy, Lynne and Ty were done. In fact, the days of Lynne were done.


May 30

"...The Guy was now working at a new restaurant. A mexican restaurant in Brooklyn. One night I went to meet him and we got into a little argument over his upcoming Industry Night. Apparently he'd been talking to Lynne about doing a scene together! I was getting upset, I didn't want to, I did not like where it was going. He thought I was mad because I wasn't doing a scene with him. Which had never even crossed my mind. Anyway, that's when he said it. All on his own...he called me his girlfriend! At first I didn't even realize it. He was saying, "I can't do scenes with girlfriends". I was like, "I don't care, I'm doing a scene with Oscar already" blah blah blah. Anyway he had to point it out to me that he was saying the G word. Then when I got it he hurried away to get more drinks. He came back and we went over it again and it seems to stem from talking with Heather. He said he can't bullshit her. She knows how to get things out of him. He figured out how long we've been together - and about time - just what he has! He got jealous hearing about The Star, and seeing a work friend hit on me...

...he said we should try out living together now, when I get back from UT! I said okay and that was it! I'd been wanting to but was going to turn it down if he said it was just for saving money or convenience. I thought we'd really have to sit and hash it all out. But all of a sudden it was just going to happen, and most importantly I wanted to do it because it felt right...

...so fast forward to [a few nights later] searching for the Ex Ex Girlfriend [Who I guess was in town again?] to get MY KEYS, couldn't find her, whatever, went and drank and had a fabulous time. Lots of talking. Getting to know more and more about each other. Getting closer and closer. Loving how he's referring to me as his girlfriend. The next night I went to his play, everyone knew I was the girlfriend at last, I'm introduced, well...yet to hear him introduce me that way, but loving he'd already told people. At the bar he said he's been counting us as 1 & 1/2 years! And at his restaurant when he'd introduced me as a friend, he said it had made him cringe. How I give him his space, all those things added up to his realization...

...being at his show as his girlfriend was awesome. Sitting with his director, talking about him, [and about another student you might have heard of, named Kristin Bell, just before she hit it big!] him kissing me in front of everyone. Watching the next few plays side by side closerthanthis. Acting like - my boyfriend?!"





So for a moment, despite my loss of Lynne and my uncertainty of life after graduation...all was right in the world. The Guy had not only called me his girlfriend but had asked me to move in! The Guy. Maybe I really was about to get everything I'd wanted and waited for for so long!






Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html
Part 22: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_20.html
Part 23: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-23.html
Part 24: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-24.html
Part 25: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-25.html
Part 26: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-26.html
Part 27: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-27.html
Part 28: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-28.html
Part 29: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-29.html
Part 30: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-30.html
Part 31: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/10/my-new-york-diaries-part-31.html
Part 32: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/01/my-new-york-diaries-part-32.html

My New York Diaries - Part 32

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


My mom, Adrianna and her husband flew to NYC to see me in "Balm in Gilead". My dad was too sick at the time to come. And believe me, if my dad couldn't come to something that I was part of then he was sick. Those were the years when he was really in the throes of his illness. Adrianna and her husband were staying in a hotel, my mom with me.

The Star came to one of my performances and sat with my mom and Jenny. Sean, The Guy's little brother happened to be there, too. In the hall at the end of the show The Star rushed up to me and planted one on me. Not a big kiss, but a kiss nonetheless and everyone saw. Including Sean. I thought his eyes were going to pop out of his head.

Later I found out that Sean had told The Guy and it made The Guy jealous! I was never more grateful for having met The Star.

The Guy came to see my show and afterwards we went out for drinks with Jenny.




May 30

"...I got up to go to the bathroom at some point. I came back and The Guy got up and Jenny start telling me how she had said, "you have a great girl there", and he said he knew, I was great, I was amazing and how the one thing he wished he could give me was confidence. Confidence in "us". That when he talks to another girl friend or hangs out with another girl it doesn't mean anything. I'm Deena. Well that did it. That's all I needed to hear. And that's when everything changed. The rest of the night was awesome..."

"...I did school and shows and hung out with my mom. How crazy the next time we're in NY it's me living there, shes' staying in my apartment instead of a hotel, seeing my play in which I am the lead, my graduation!"

"...The Guy called one night but I couldn't go out, so we planned tuesday. My mom would be leaving in the morning and it was his day off. "



My mom met Sean, the three of us went out to my favorite mexican restaurant one afternoon. But she never did meet The Guy. Adrianna and her husband met him, though. After the two of them saw my show we went out for drinks. Sean came too. I remember having a great time but later her husband told my mom he didn't see the two of us working out. I wonder what we came across like, so many years ago. I wonder what he observed. Something? Maybe nothing. Who knows. I don't remember the conversations of that night but I still have the pictures.

I remember putting my mom in a cab then heading downtown to meet The Guy for a movie.



"...things were still different. Good different for once in my life. Walking and talking, his hand on the small of my back. Saying, "I finally confessed to Heather." (*Heather had been a teacher of both of ours. She was smart and tough and great. He kept in touch with her since he'd graduated and would meet her for lunch occasionally.) Telling me how he told her how long we'd been dating and then freaking out about it. Then at the movie he kept a hand on my leg. We went out for wine with Sean then back home I was complaining about how I was about to be homeless and he said, "yeah, we gotta talk about that.". I got a funny feeling when he said that, but said nothing. The next morning we were laying on the couch wrapped in sheets when he said, "let's have a relationship talk". Let's not! "I was thinking, since we both need a place to live, for the sake of saving money, we could conceivably move in together." Ten million thoughts just went through my mind in a split second. Did he really just say that? He went on to say how he doesn't know if it would work, he's been talking it over with Ty for awhile, Ty didn't think it was such a good idea since he's about, "seen us kill each other a couple of times" and how he didn't even think it was a good idea. He pulled out a notebook and started going over mathematical figures of what it would cost to move into and live in a two bedroom apartment. How it was small and we'd all need to have our lives outside of it for it to work. This was all coming at me so fast. I couldn't process it. He wanted us to debate, to take turns arguing sides. He kept asking me what I thought. I couldn't say. I needed to let this in! He said to talk to Lynne and Jenny to get clarity, opinions, etc. He said Lynne would be against, Jenny for (of course). He said I needed to talk to them because, "there are too may smiles right now". I said, "I'm just surprised". He said, "well it's a surprising question." I said, "can I think about it and we'll talk about it over the next little while?" He said, "like over the next few months?" Yes. Okay. He used a term that caught my attention. He said, "we could potentially break up." Break up? He was also talking in long term, like if it didn't work out we'd just be signed for that first year. Year? He did say some typical things that I could have done without. Like, "and if you decide to date other people you just can't have sex at our place". God. Then we got into a huge discussion about the Ex Ex Girlfriend. She had been in town! She slept in the same fucking bed as him! She'd try to cuddle up to him! He said he didn't tell me because he thought I'd freak out. He didn't bring her to my play because she wasn't worthy. She got upset when he didn't come home that night and why do I think we slept at my place that night? He kept saying how disgusting she was, how she had no soul. Anyway, I'm getting sick just writing about her..."



We had one last showcase on the main stage to do before graduation. This was something our class put together ourselves. We each had to write a script. If I remember correctly it was about ten pages. They'd chose a few that we'd actually perform and we'd be cast and could even direct if we wanted. I wrote about a guy and a girl in a relationship where the guy wouldn't commit. As she leaves him, she gives (or maybe recites, I can't remember now) this poem she'd written:

THE HEART
I've spent a lifetime preparing for you.
Clearing my heart out for you.
Making your space ready.
But you aren't available to fill it.
But someone else will take it. One day.
The heart can wait.
It can listen.
It can hold out.
It can accept and it can reject.
But it makes it's own decisions
and on it's own time.
But it will be filled.
The heart does not remain vacant forever.
A love will find it that will be the perfect size.
An exact fit.
Made to measure.
And it will feed it.
And it will grow.
And it will be satisfied.



My "play" was more of a diary / fantasy of what I wasn't able to do in my real life. I knew it wasn't going to be chosen as a performance piece but I wrote what I knew. What I was living and I felt very brave to bare my soul to my classmates, as each play was read out loud.

School was almost over. What now? Was I really going to live with The Guy? When would I perform again? What kind of job would I get now? Could I do it? Survive in this city, in this life, with these people?

Little did I know a chain of events were about to happen that would leave me feeling like I'd just stood in front of a firing squad. The first was losing Lynne. She was a once in a lifetime friend and it never crossed my mind we wouldn't always be friends. But there had been some weirdness lately, and on one of the last days of school she came in like I'd never seen before. Fuming. When she loudly announced in front of everyone, "I am pissed", it took me a minute to realize she was saying she was pissed at me.





Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html
Part 22: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_20.html
Part 23: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-23.html
Part 24: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-24.html
Part 25: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-25.html
Part 26: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-26.html
Part 27: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-27.html
Part 28: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-28.html
Part 29: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-29.html
Part 30: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-30.html
Part 31: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/10/my-new-york-diaries-part-31.html

"Good Things Utah" appearance

On thursday I went on a local morning TV show, "Good Things Utah" I may be back on...you just never know! ;)

Here's the interview:

http://www.abc4.com/content/about_4/gtu/featured_on/story/Deena-Marie/CxeFmqihYkC7kvnS9eEXIA.cspx

Lana Del Rey

The other day I saw that my friend Billy had posted a video on facebook. I rarely watch videos people post, so I don't know why I clicked on it (if I do click on one, I almost never make it past the first 10 seconds).

When I started "Born to Die" by Lana Del Rey I was instantly in love. Her voice, the words, her look, the video. Oh my god. My new favorite. I've listened to it now more times than I can count, as well as all of her other songs that are online.

Her debut album comes out later this month.

Her music is so heartbreaking to me. So visceral. I can't get enough, it hurts so good.


"Sometimes love is not enough and the road gets tough I don't know why"

I'm baaaaack! Poetry writing me.

I used to write poetry like crazy. I have a large collection I'm very proud of and I WILL have them published somehow, someday. Over the years as life settled into routine and work and normalcy my poetry well dried up and went away. I missed it, but I couldn't force it. I thought it was something I would never need or be able to do again, even though I longed for it. But the last year and few months especially makes me think something is stirring in me once again. I have come into contact with new muses and new experiences and as I'm processing, I feel words bubbling.

I feel myself begin to need this once again. I think this is the year for some new...stuff.

I can only hope it will be as good as it once was.

My poetry collection:
http://deenamariepoetry.blogspot.com/

Love letters, submitted anonymously that really inspired me when I discovered this site last night.
http://collectiveexperience.org/love/sugar/letter.html

Tweet me: @DeenaMarie

2011 Year in Review

Another year has gone! I'm going to break this one into two parts, career and personal.

CAREER
The beginning of 2011 was "The Persian Quarter". This one ended up being quite the journey for me. It was one of my favorite theatrical experiences and it will be hard to top the place this one has in my heart. It began with a staged reading the year before, to the world premiere at Salt Lake Acting Company to being asked if I'd be interested in auditioning for the next production at Merrimack Rep. I found myself in New York at the callback this summer, and while that would be the end of my journey, I loved, appreciated and learned from every moment of all of it.


I was in a national magazine, and got to see it on opening day of "The Persian Quarter". How cool was that timing?


I modeled for Black Chandelier quite a bit this year, including a photo shoot for the website, a shoot to promote a runway show that took place in the summer, walking in the runway show in body paint and little else, and then a rooftop photo shoot with mannequins, boys, swords and daggers. It doesn't get cooler than that, people!


I modeled for OpieFoto (boudior) for the second time, this time it included a promo video that turned out beautifully.
http://opiefoto.com/boudoir/video

I walked in the SLC Fashion Stroll for designers Jordan Halversen and Danny Nappi and Misc Boutique.

I modeled for the cover of City Weekly for the first time.


I did my second SLAM with Plan-B theatre company and this one I especially enjoyed because I had such a hilarious piece written by Matthew Ivan Bennett.
It was so much fun that I wished there had been another opportunity to perform it. Or perhaps put this one on film in the future.


Had some great gigs through my agency, TMG.

Workshopped a couple projects with Plan - B.

Recorded a couple radio sketches with Matt Bennett and Jay Perry.

Did the Plan-B reading of "A Doll House"


Modeled Krista Nielson swimsuits in Fashion Night Out, runway at the Gallivan Center.




Modeled with my baby dog, Noodles for the upcoming Pinups for Pups calendar!

"A Man Enters". The world premiere of this play at SLAC went so well we even extended a week! I loved my cast and performing this piece, playing Dana who I liked to think of as a glamourous hippie.


I modeled for the cover of The Mix of the Salt Lake Tribune in beautiful dresses from Whimsy Boutique.






PERSONAL
The ten year anniversary of September 11th came this year, and I dealt with some feelings I'd been ignoring for quite some time. I also got to talk to one of my dearest friends who I rarely see anymore, but was with that night. I blogged it all.
http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html

I saw old friends who I don't see much of now because we no longer live close by or life just gets in the way of getting together. I made new friends who became surprisingly close. I also grew closer with existing friends who I found have the ability to make my very soul happy. These are the people to keep connected to.

I had one of my favorite Halloweens ever. And by Halloween you know I don't just mean the day itself, but a total of three huge celebrations. 'Tis the season!


This also happened to be my year that I began down a new path of spirituality. Synchronicity led me to discovering Shirley MacLaine, reading "I'm Over All That", "The Camino", "The Pilgrimage", "Sage-ing while Age-ing", and "Many Lives, Many Masters". My life has significantly changed and is continuing to. For the first time in my whole life I have a spiritual path with a name (I never thought I'd want that). I've never felt more comfort or wanted to learn more about what I've only just begun to discover.

I have my first item for my bucket list. To walk The Camino. While I didn't get to this year, I am not concerned. I now know that "it is a privilege to be called to The Camino" and I am certain I'll find myself on it exactly when I'm supposed to be.

I branched out physically. Instead of just zumba I incorporated the gym itself. I never knew how much I'd love weights and machines and how much I need working out, for every aspect. Mental, emotional, physical, etc. It's all tied together and if I miss a couple of days the difference is huge.

We all know I have had my hair every color and every length over the last, well, nearly 15 years. But this year I found my favorite shade of red to date and have felt most like myself. Thank you, Steven Robertson!


I went shampoo free and decided to wash my hair significantly less. It simply doesn't need it. It's been nearly a month and so far, so good!
http://simplemom.net/how-to-clean-your-hair-without-shampoo/

I changed my skincare routine the end of the year. Thanks to Amanda Mahoney for letting me borrow "The Skin Type Solution" by Leslie Baumann, MD I learned I was still doing things wrong for my particular skin. I have struggled for years. Two rounds of accutane were expensive and hard on me. I try very hard with my sensitive skin to make it look as good as possible. But you can imagine my surprise after taking this test to learn that the current over the counter products I was using were exactly the opposite of what I should be using? I learned about new products I didn't even know existed, ordered them, and guess what? So far, so good. My dry skin has never looked better! I strongly recommend giving this book a try.

I went to NYC twice this year! I saw "Spider-Man" twice, "War Horse", "Godspell", and "Venus in Fur". How one person could see such incredible theatre all in the same year is beyond me. I feel so lucky to have seen each one of these. Each one was absolutely stunning and fantastic for many different reasons and I leave so inspired I could burst. "Venus in Fur" is my dream role. I need to play Vanda. Not just want, it's a need.

I also got to meet Reeve Carney, my biggest celebrity crush. A boy in band, a rockstar, cast as Peter Parker in a "Spider-Man" musical on Broadway? And he looks like that? If I made up what my ideal celeb crush would be and described his appearance, you'd have Reeve. And guess what? He's super freaking nice.


There were also a few scary family moments this year. With my uncle and my grandma, both on my moms side. It was an eye opener and a reminder for how much family matters.


The biggest lessons I have earned this year:
1.) Things will happen and you will feel nothing like you expected. It will be completely different from what you've imagined it to be like in your head.
2.) That timing can be ironic and you'll feel it's completely unfair and impossible but that everything is unfolding exactly as it should.
3.) No matter how old you are you still need your momma and your daddy.
4.) It's about what you do have, not what you don't have.
5.) If not now, when? You are never ready for profound life changes. But you don't always get to decide when things are going to happen.
6.) I heard the words accept and allow for the first time. Really heard them. It's life changing. I don't always remember this, but I'm learning and applying.
7.) It's okay to feel exactly how you feel about something, anything.
8.) We really are all one.
9.) We decide how time passes. Allocate your time. Use it wisely. Be in charge of your time, don't let time control you.
10.) Don't be in a hurry. Throw out the checklist. Life is long. There is so much more to go.
11.) We create our own reality.

Here's to a new year, the unknown adventures and learning that await us all!

Tweet me @DeenaMarie

The Definition of Deena.

If you could look me up in the dictionary, this is what you'd find.

Deena, Noun :



Tweet me: @DeenaMarie

Christmas, 2011

Among my favorite gifts today were an iPod touch, a Dwight K. Schrute bobble head, a sweater I've been wanting from Urban Outfitters and a big candy unicorn horn. Last night's favorites were a Legend of Zelda bag and a canvas painting of my dog.

I love Christmas eve. It's fun and feels special and you know there is still more to come. Christmas morning is always a little cozy, a little magical and a little anticlimactic. Because when the day is over, then what? There's that awkward week in between leading up to New Years Eve then when January 1st hits it's back to real life and the cozy magical time is over and it's time to get back to work. And usually with a burst of extra vim and vigor. Christmas day begins the reflection for me, and I already start thinking of what I'd like to take with me into the New Year. I will write a lengthier blog wrapping up this year but for now there are a few things I'm going to be mulling over and trying to apply starting now and into 2012.








Tweet me: @DeenaMarie

Rick Perry - STRONG

Rick Perry? He's got nothin' on Little Miss Honey Bee!

True Calling

Saying yes to your true calling gives way to the power to bring your ultimate success to life. You no longer waste precious time and energy on things that are not of utmost importance to you. Rather, you awaken the wealth that lies within you and easily find ways to share your greatest gifts with the world!" ~ Marsh Engle

I cried at "Breaking Dawn" and I'm not ashamed!

I've said it before and I'll say it again. I'm either a teenage boy trapped in a chick's body or a gay man. A really fabulous gay man.

I don't cook.
I don't clean.
I don't decorate.
I don't make crafts.
I don't like kids (unless they're related to me or an offspring of a VERY close friend).
I like to shop by myself, super fast. Or order online.

Okay so it's looking more like teenage boy.

It doesn't even dawn on me to do things most girls do.
Not to mention...

I laugh at fart jokes.
I make too many fart jokes.
I think most chicks are crazy.
I have more dude friends than chick friends.
I love video games.
I love superheros.
I swear like a sailor.

But I do like coffee dates, lunch dates, fashion, dressing up, and Twilight.

Okay so now it's looking more like fabulous gay man.

The moral of this story is that a week or so ago I had one of those emotional reactions that only my fellow females will understand. I went to see "Breaking Dawn" and I cried pretty much through the whole thing as I ate my ice cream. Seriously. Only chicks will get this, when I ask what happened to Kristen Stewart? How was she actually so good in this one? She didn't twitch or fidget and she looked gorgeous. Girlfriend is growing up. It was totally Bella's movie. You could feel everything she felt. Her walk down the aisle. How nerve racking it is until you see your dude standing at the other end. The way she was looking at herself in the mirror before she finally got to knock the boots with Edward, the way she looked at herself after that milestone. I seriously liked it. I can't wait to go again.

And even though I'm not ashamed to admit how much I love Twilight, that even when it's so bad it's still good, you know I like to poke fun at...well...most everything. So here you go. My reenactment / summary of my Breaking Dawn experience in 2 minutes.

http://www.cityweekly.net/utah/article-357-15105-deena-marie-watching-breaking-dawn.html




Tweet me: @DeenaMarie
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/TheDeenaShow