Feb 1, 2012

My New York Diaries - Part 34

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

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Right before the end of school I missed another class. By accident (again), you could say.

I remember witnessing several breakdowns over the course of our school experience. We'd all seen our fellow classmates cry at this point. We're in acting school for god's sake. We were nerves exposed daily. I saw Kim go through a breakup with a long time boyfriend. It was scary to me. It seemed like just the other day she was saying they'd decorated their Christmas tree. It had seemed so romantic and grown up and I wondered if I'd ever know what it was like to decorate a tree with the one I loved. It was even scarier the day Bobby came in announcing his split from his long time boyfriend. What?! How? Why? I'd seen their amazing rent controlled apartment. Who would be moving out? Who would be staying? How would life go on?

I also witnessed girls getting into fights and crying and teachers having to get involved.

I also saw students cry when butting heads in class with teachers.

I guess you could say that one day, things added up for me and I found myself in tears outside of a class. I can't remember what it was that set it off, I'm sure a combination of stress with moving, with The Guy, with Lynne, with school ending. It was all just a lot at once.

I'll never forget this particular teacher rushing past me as to "not see me" and I kind of wished she would stop and make sure I was okay. I probably could have used a little wisdom and guidance from one of them in that moment. But Oscar stayed with me. Even though it meant he'd be locked out. He said it was okay and he talked and comforted me the entire time.

Then before I knew it, school was done. I was graduated. It was over, just like that.

I did it. I fucking did it. I'd moved to New York. I'd gotten into my dream school. I'd played my dream role in our final show. Holy shit.

But now what?

It was time to move in with The Guy. Once again, Jenny was there for me to drive the van we'd rented and help me pack. Oscar came too. We got out of my manhattan apartment in record time. I didn't have much to pack up anyway. I took one last look at my completely empty room, knowing I'd be leaving the convince of this location but excited to get to Brooklyn where The Guy was. Jenny and Oscar were truly incredible friends.

They don't make 'em like that anymore.

May 30

"...I had to be rested to move in the next day. Well, I ended up with two hours of sleep...

...The Guy went to meet his parents for brunch, so I did it all [the moving] and had everything organized when he got home. My side of the closet. He got home and seemed very happy and excited to see my things there. We looked through some of my things, it was fun. It was all so brand new, it was like a sleepover. But one to last a loooooong time! I had to stay up until my plane to Utah that was leaving at six a.m. I don't know how I did it, but I did it. Two hours of sleep in two days...

...we stay up with beer an ice cream in front of the tv. It's finally time to call a car. We almost fall asleep hugging each other standing up. He tells me to call when I get there. I check in. Flight looks good. They start calling the standby list. [I had used a buddy pass from Julie's mom several times in the past, and had never had a problem] Don't get on. Get on the flight at for seven a.m. to Huston. Very pissed but willing to do it. Then...Oh, you'll be waiting in Huston until nearly nine pm. No...wait...that one's booked. You'll never make it. I'll put you on for tomorrow morning. What could I do but call my dad, crying, call The Guy, crying, and come back. I was barely able to pay for the ride home. A wasted fifty dollars. No sleep for nothing. I felt sick. I felt sad. I went inside and couldn't even say a word. The Guy just hugged me, steered me to the bedroom and held me. Kissed my forehead, said, "I'm sorry", and we fell asleep. It was all I asked. It was safe. It was right. He's my savior. We woke up and he asked if I wanted to go into the city to get his nikes. I got ready while he made me my own set of keys. I loved it. Can I tell you how much I loved waking up with him, this time in our room. Taking my shower there now. Riding the subway. Looking over his shoulder ads he reads "Time" magazine. Quiet. Peaceful. Comfortable. Shopping together uptown. Having lunch, pizza together. Kissing goodbye on the street corner as we parted ways. Him calling me to tell me he saw a guy on the subway wearing the shoes he'd wanted. I went home and went to sleep. While I slept he'd called, wanting me to go to his restaurant. I called at like 11:30pm and he said he only had one more table, so I stayed home and started watching a movie with Ty and his new girl. It was getting later and later. I was getting nervous. I called him after two hours had gone by and he said he was having a beer and had had that late table but he'd be there in a half hour. I was having all sorts of visions of him cheating on me. I couldn't believe he wasn't home when he knew he had to pack [he was also taking a trip back home to Louisiana] and wouldn't see me for over three weeks. Here I'd just moved in and he wasn't there. I didn't want to nag, or get upset. I just wanted to be with him. And really be with him on our last day. I'd even thought to just give up and go to bed but I couldn't let it end that way. Finally, another hour or so later I heard his keys. The keys I kept thinking I was hearing every ten minutes. Sean was now there. Ty and his girl still snuggling. Me half asleep on the corner of the couch. He came in looking so happy. All smiles. Threw his hands in the air saying, "one big happy family!" I smiled weakly. But he reached out to scoot me over and hopped over to lay with me. I didn't say anything, just hugged him tightly. When he got up I went into our bedroom. He came in, we lied down and talked...

...he asked if it felt sudden. Yes. Good. You? Very. He said it was the first time he's been gone and thinking how he has someone to come home to. How it was scary. But he liked it. How all through the night things would go through his mind like how my stuff was in his room. "But she smells good". That tv is too small. All her musical theatre stuff. Just deal with it. "But she smells good."

He said, "Heather should be your best friend." Why? "All this is her doing". I still don't know the details. Whatever she said must have really gotten to him. He went on to talk about how it had been over a year and not only was I his girlfriend but I was the best girlfriend he'd ever had! There was a million things I wanted to say to him at that moment. But instead I said, "wanna see my new shoes?" He said, "thank you for breaking the uncomfortable silence" and I said, "Oh no! Thank your for getting drunk and telling me this!"

...I could tell he was looking at me a lot. I wanted to look at him...but I was scared. Too nervous I'd tell him how much I loved him...

...he said something else about our future...something about how scary it is and how exciting and how he hopes he doesn't freak out and I don't lose interest in him and he wonders how this will play out and he hopes we don't burn out. Then that really got me thinking. About what that means. The concept of burning out. How do you not burn out? I think it's always so much simpler than everyone makes it. If you're meant to be, then you're meant to be. All I know is from the minute I saw him I knew he was it. I knew we were destined to be together. Even when I didn't know how or when we'd ever meet, or that he had a girlfriend, it didn't matter. Maybe you could say it was love at first sight."

Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html
Part 22: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_20.html
Part 23: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-23.html
Part 24: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-24.html
Part 25: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-25.html
Part 26: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-26.html
Part 27: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-27.html
Part 28: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-28.html
Part 29: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-29.html
Part 30: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-30.html
Part 31: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/10/my-new-york-diaries-part-31.html
Part 32: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/01/my-new-york-diaries-part-32.html
Part 33: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/01/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html

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