Feb 4, 2012

My New York Diaries - Part 37

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

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WE'RE ALMOST DONE! I'm going to try to wrap this all up with #40 being a sort of epilogue / where are they now.
Wow. So hang in there, this is it!

June 25

"...yesterday was terribly strange. I went through some panic, panic of feeling smothered. Trapped by this. Wondering if I really, deep down was feeling held back. From living, youth, adventures. Wondering why I'm not living in bliss. Wondering if there are phases where excitement goes but hoping it comes back. If this is settling in, getting comfortable...or not a good match.

...what is missing. Wondering, questioning, if he's the one. Not knowing if I want him to be the one. Thinking that if we got married, would that even be enough for me? Why I always want him to do more. I know I'm not done with him. I really wonder if he meant all the "best girlfriend, future, hope we don't burn out" talk. If I'm really the best, does he love me? That's the big question these days. Does he love me? And do I love him? I must. There are times when it's all I can do to keep from yelling it out...

...another big issue with me lately. I've been a complete psycho. Completely...

...suspicious of everything and everyone...

...I know he was someone else with her [The Ex Girlfriend] than he is with me...

...I just can't believe someone could sucker The Guy into thinking they'd be married and live happily ever after. Time passes quicker than you think...

...although I do feel like an old soul, the rest of me thinks I'm [forever] 19. What I wouldn't give to be 19. 18. 17. I wonder, in relationships, if I expect too much. If the prince on the stallion really does exist. If you really can live happily ever after. I have to believe it. I do believe it. Do you have to try that hard? Girls stay because they think nothing better is out there...

...what if I risk and I lose? What if I never find anything to compare to this? I'll admit there are times when I wonder if The Guy didn't look the way he did, if the sex wasn't what it is, would I still be here? And I don't know that I can reach deep enough to find the answers. I think I'm scared. If it's a whole lot of attraction, maybe that's all you really do need. I don't know. I know that there are times when I look at him and I have to look away, I am still so in awe of his beauty and it makes me flustered...

...I wonder what will happen come August. I'm thinking a decision will have to be made at the beginning of August. I know that if he's the one to say it's not a good idea, then I wonder if I could stay with him [The Guy, Ty and myself were in talks about moving elsewhere for September and would it be three? Or two? And by two would it be me and The Guy on our own?]. "It's been too many nights of being with, to suddenly be without" [a line from a poem by Jewel]. I don't want to backtrack. I wonder if it would really be all or nothing with me. And that makes me wonder if I've thrown myself in it for the long haul. Or sometimes...I feel like it's a contest I'm trying to win. To see if I can keep making the "cuts". These next steps...

...why be with someone if all I'm ever going to do is wonder how and when something will go wrong and end...

...nothing is known. Without trust you've got nothing. He's right when he says I take things too personally...

...I want The Guy to be my best friend. I want him to know me more intimately than Jenny. But what if he can't give it? What if this is just it?"

Did he love me? All or nothing. Both were stuck in my head and heart on repeat. But I was about to find out if it would be all or nothing, and if The Guy, my guy did in fact love me. And it would happen sooner than I ever could have imagined.

Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html
Part 22: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_20.html
Part 23: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-23.html
Part 24: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-24.html
Part 25: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-25.html
Part 26: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-26.html
Part 27: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-27.html
Part 28: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-28.html
Part 29: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-29.html
Part 30: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-30.html
Part 31: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/10/my-new-york-diaries-part-31.html
Part 32: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/01/my-new-york-diaries-part-32.html
Part 33: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/01/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 34: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-34.html
Part 35: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-35.html
Part 36: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-36.html

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