Feb 2, 2012

My New York Diaries - Part 35

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

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And off I went back home to Utah for a couple of weeks. Before I left my new NYC home, I cleaned up our room and left a little present and note on our bed for The Guy.


"Today was the best day! Today was the day when I felt like my vacation was beginning. It was like I'd never left. I didn't want to think about leaving. I wanted to be stuck in this moment. To continue what I'd left behind. As far as friendships go. Relationships. The older I get I see who the core friends are. It's surprising. It's home. It's family...

...I feel so old there now. No that I've gone to New York and surpassed this life in leaps and bounds. I feel so out of place and wonder if everyone sees a maturity or sees me as an adult, or not like them, or how I'm seen...

I wonder where that not a care in the world feeling went. I felt lighter then. It's hard to explain. But it's fun to get caught up in this game of pretend...to hide my secret of how wise I am beyond my years...

...[went roller skating and then to Jack's] we talked of the Old Flame and to the Old Flame. I'm picking him up from the airport. I'm not dreading talking to him about "us", about The Guy as much now. I think it'll go okay. I have to have him in my life. I have to keep him close. I'm looking forward to the rest of this vacation now...

...I can't imagine what The Guy's world is [back home in Louisiana]. He goes back [to NYC] tomorrow. I'm scared out of my mind to see what happens now. I keep dreaming he'll have a change of heart, or panic or...I don't know. I'm having fun playing pretend here. But New York...New York is my heart and The Guy is my heart. My heart is They Guy's and New York has my soul."


"The Guy is home today...I'm getting nervous because he hasn't called...

...time lapses scare me. They're never a good thing. At least not for me. I can't wait to see him..."

June 4

"...I pick up the Old Flame from the airport tomorrow..

...who knows what's going on with The Guy. It's been four days. I'm so panicked! What's going on? What?! It could be so many things. He could have cheated and feels guilty. He could have heard some bad advice and swayed his opinions. He could have a had a new perspective on things and realized he isn't ready for a relationship and we moved in way too fast and it's not going to work. He could be in a panic over his "New York life", or the destruction of. He could want to move home, or to Los Angeles in September and is avoiding telling me. He could've run into Lynne and she could have talked smack. The Ex Ex Girlfriend could have come back, slept in our bed, and messed up the gift and note. Ty could have been with Lynne and heard smack and passed it on. I don't know what to do or think...

June 5

"Guess who finally fucking remembered how to dial the phone? Yup. Instead of leaving me happy as hell, it left me in tears. Something about being home and almost getting his ass kicked. Something about a friends ex wife being a looker so guys start and I don't know what anything had to do with anything. I don't know what he was talking about, what importance it was I knew how hot this chick was and how that relates to him almost getting his ass kicked? He sounded happy. Me: Do you miss me? Him: What? Me: Do you miss me? Him: "Of course - insert what seemed like a sixty second pause - not! Me: I don't miss you either! At all! Him: Good! And the fun ensues. The Ex Ex Girlfriend is back. Oh, and where is she sleeping? Yup. You know, I never, in a million years would've guessed that if she came back, which I knew I hadn't heard the end of her, The Guy would let her stay in his goddamn bed! The bed we both sleep in! OUR fucking from? Is he retarded? Does it get any more disrespectful than that?! I'm not being irrational. I'm sticking by this and this is most definitely getting talked about when I get home! Some ex girl in my bedroom, my bed?! Who does she think she is? "Who's stuff is this?" And, "where were you all night, I was so worried about you!" [said Ex Ex Girlfriend to The Guy] What does that mean? Why would she dare ask questions like that unless The Guy has purposely hidden the fact I am his girlfriend? Or does he do it thinking it's just plain none of her business? I told him to make her sleep on the futon. When I asked what goes on in that bed, all he said was, "uh, she sleeps." I called back and asked about [my] rent and he kept ending the conversation. I called again. "One more thing. Is Ex Ex Girlfriend going to be there when I get back?" He said something about her being really stupid to try and she'd find some guy to take care of her. I said, "promise she'll sleep on the futon?" God dammit! I'm so hurt! I'm so mad and so helpless and I hate going back to a big fucking nothing when all of my friends are here. Fuck!"

Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html
Part 22: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_20.html
Part 23: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-23.html
Part 24: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-24.html
Part 25: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-25.html
Part 26: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-26.html
Part 27: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-27.html
Part 28: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-28.html
Part 29: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-29.html
Part 30: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-30.html
Part 31: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/10/my-new-york-diaries-part-31.html
Part 32: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/01/my-new-york-diaries-part-32.html
Part 33: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/01/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 34: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-34.html

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