Jan 29, 2012

My New York Diaries - Part 32

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

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My mom, Adrianna and her husband flew to NYC to see me in "Balm in Gilead". My dad was too sick at the time to come. And believe me, if my dad couldn't come to something that I was part of then he was sick. Those were the years when he was really in the throes of his illness. Adrianna and her husband were staying in a hotel, my mom with me.

The Star came to one of my performances and sat with my mom and Jenny. Sean, The Guy's little brother happened to be there, too. In the hall at the end of the show The Star rushed up to me and planted one on me. Not a big kiss, but a kiss nonetheless and everyone saw. Including Sean. I thought his eyes were going to pop out of his head.

Later I found out that Sean had told The Guy and it made The Guy jealous! I was never more grateful for having met The Star.

The Guy came to see my show and afterwards we went out for drinks with Jenny.

May 30

"...I got up to go to the bathroom at some point. I came back and The Guy got up and Jenny start telling me how she had said, "you have a great girl there", and he said he knew, I was great, I was amazing and how the one thing he wished he could give me was confidence. Confidence in "us". That when he talks to another girl friend or hangs out with another girl it doesn't mean anything. I'm Deena. Well that did it. That's all I needed to hear. And that's when everything changed. The rest of the night was awesome..."

"...I did school and shows and hung out with my mom. How crazy the next time we're in NY it's me living there, shes' staying in my apartment instead of a hotel, seeing my play in which I am the lead, my graduation!"

"...The Guy called one night but I couldn't go out, so we planned tuesday. My mom would be leaving in the morning and it was his day off. "

My mom met Sean, the three of us went out to my favorite mexican restaurant one afternoon. But she never did meet The Guy. Adrianna and her husband met him, though. After the two of them saw my show we went out for drinks. Sean came too. I remember having a great time but later her husband told my mom he didn't see the two of us working out. I wonder what we came across like, so many years ago. I wonder what he observed. Something? Maybe nothing. Who knows. I don't remember the conversations of that night but I still have the pictures.

I remember putting my mom in a cab then heading downtown to meet The Guy for a movie.

"...things were still different. Good different for once in my life. Walking and talking, his hand on the small of my back. Saying, "I finally confessed to Heather." (*Heather had been a teacher of both of ours. She was smart and tough and great. He kept in touch with her since he'd graduated and would meet her for lunch occasionally.) Telling me how he told her how long we'd been dating and then freaking out about it. Then at the movie he kept a hand on my leg. We went out for wine with Sean then back home I was complaining about how I was about to be homeless and he said, "yeah, we gotta talk about that.". I got a funny feeling when he said that, but said nothing. The next morning we were laying on the couch wrapped in sheets when he said, "let's have a relationship talk". Let's not! "I was thinking, since we both need a place to live, for the sake of saving money, we could conceivably move in together." Ten million thoughts just went through my mind in a split second. Did he really just say that? He went on to say how he doesn't know if it would work, he's been talking it over with Ty for awhile, Ty didn't think it was such a good idea since he's about, "seen us kill each other a couple of times" and how he didn't even think it was a good idea. He pulled out a notebook and started going over mathematical figures of what it would cost to move into and live in a two bedroom apartment. How it was small and we'd all need to have our lives outside of it for it to work. This was all coming at me so fast. I couldn't process it. He wanted us to debate, to take turns arguing sides. He kept asking me what I thought. I couldn't say. I needed to let this in! He said to talk to Lynne and Jenny to get clarity, opinions, etc. He said Lynne would be against, Jenny for (of course). He said I needed to talk to them because, "there are too may smiles right now". I said, "I'm just surprised". He said, "well it's a surprising question." I said, "can I think about it and we'll talk about it over the next little while?" He said, "like over the next few months?" Yes. Okay. He used a term that caught my attention. He said, "we could potentially break up." Break up? He was also talking in long term, like if it didn't work out we'd just be signed for that first year. Year? He did say some typical things that I could have done without. Like, "and if you decide to date other people you just can't have sex at our place". God. Then we got into a huge discussion about the Ex Ex Girlfriend. She had been in town! She slept in the same fucking bed as him! She'd try to cuddle up to him! He said he didn't tell me because he thought I'd freak out. He didn't bring her to my play because she wasn't worthy. She got upset when he didn't come home that night and why do I think we slept at my place that night? He kept saying how disgusting she was, how she had no soul. Anyway, I'm getting sick just writing about her..."

We had one last showcase on the main stage to do before graduation. This was something our class put together ourselves. We each had to write a script. If I remember correctly it was about ten pages. They'd chose a few that we'd actually perform and we'd be cast and could even direct if we wanted. I wrote about a guy and a girl in a relationship where the guy wouldn't commit. As she leaves him, she gives (or maybe recites, I can't remember now) this poem she'd written:

I've spent a lifetime preparing for you.
Clearing my heart out for you.
Making your space ready.
But you aren't available to fill it.
But someone else will take it. One day.
The heart can wait.
It can listen.
It can hold out.
It can accept and it can reject.
But it makes it's own decisions
and on it's own time.
But it will be filled.
The heart does not remain vacant forever.
A love will find it that will be the perfect size.
An exact fit.
Made to measure.
And it will feed it.
And it will grow.
And it will be satisfied.

My "play" was more of a diary / fantasy of what I wasn't able to do in my real life. I knew it wasn't going to be chosen as a performance piece but I wrote what I knew. What I was living and I felt very brave to bare my soul to my classmates, as each play was read out loud.

School was almost over. What now? Was I really going to live with The Guy? When would I perform again? What kind of job would I get now? Could I do it? Survive in this city, in this life, with these people?

Little did I know a chain of events were about to happen that would leave me feeling like I'd just stood in front of a firing squad. The first was losing Lynne. She was a once in a lifetime friend and it never crossed my mind we wouldn't always be friends. But there had been some weirdness lately, and on one of the last days of school she came in like I'd never seen before. Fuming. When she loudly announced in front of everyone, "I am pissed", it took me a minute to realize she was saying she was pissed at me.

Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html
Part 22: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_20.html
Part 23: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-23.html
Part 24: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-24.html
Part 25: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-25.html
Part 26: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-26.html
Part 27: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-27.html
Part 28: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-28.html
Part 29: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-29.html
Part 30: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-30.html
Part 31: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/10/my-new-york-diaries-part-31.html

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