Feb 3, 2012

My New York Diaries - Part 36

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

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WE'RE ALMOST DONE! I'm going to try to wrap this all up in the next four posts, with #40 being a sort of epilogue / where are they now. Wow. So hang in there, this is it!

I don't remember much else of what happened during that trip back to UT, or hanging out with the Old Flame and I didn't write about it. I don't know if I talked to The Guy again or waited until I was home. The next entry is when I'm already back in NYC.

June 17

"I just finished reading "Prelude to a Kiss" and it was so beautiful. So, so beautiful. It was exactly what I needed right now. I am that character. She is so scared. Scared of life. Wanting to see what it's like to skip the hard part. Just to go right to the end. Last night I was in one of my moods with The Guy. One of my moods that I can say time and time again I can't let become a pattern. We were talking about how we don't know how to do this. He feels like he doesn't know if he's supposed to entertain me or leave me on my own, or what, what to do until I "find my place on the couch". I'm always nervous, jumpy, timid lately. I don't know why. It keeps me held back from my confidence. My passion. My motivation. But after last night, after picking arguments and crying and feeling so skeptical and wary of absolutely everything, I realized I can't live my life that way. Doubting everything and not trusting everyone because it's ruining me. Do something every day that scares you. I'm limiting myself...

...I've got a world of opportunities in front of me right now and it's all about the decisions I make and making them positive and sticking to tit and trying it out instead of thinking it's one more thing that will get fucking up and wanting to run away from it and "start over". In a new place with new people. Why is that the answer? Why don't I give a change to what I have in front of me right now? Am I so scared to be hurt? The Guy says he's worked on not needing people from an early age. What good is that doing to keep shutting people out? I keep shutting out people and experiences because I'm so afraid to be hurt I'm not experiencing a thing. I'm trying to keep a safe world around me and thriving on any little happiness I may happen to get and needn't that reassured over and over because it's all I have...

...It will be a very lonely, bare world for me if I keep thinking of what ISN'T happening. Of what MIGHT happen. And exist in NOW. Because I'll wake up and it will be gone and it could have been good."

June 18

"So just when I'm thinking all's well, something happens. Something get's all fucked up. On the very day. It's 1 a.m. all I want is for The Guy to be home and share with him my newfound happiness. Tell him of my day. Tell him things. I finally find his long lost keys and call him at once to tell him. He's been off work, he's just "fucking around behind the bar waiting for Ty and his New Girl to get there for a cocktail." He'll see me soon, "bye". I call back. Was he going to invite me? He tells me again to get the car service number off the board and come down. Well, if you just wanted to hang with Ty and his New Girl...he says he's just waiting until they get there and all he really wants to do is come home. Okay then, I'll stay here. Time is passing...it's now 3 a.m. Call twice. No answer. Then they all walk in. He comes into the bedroom where I'm reading my script, "you called so I decided to come over!" God. For all he knows here I am waiting up for him to know if I need to let him in. Then he says how a bartender quit and it's because of him and now he's gonna help out behind the bar blah blah blah. Then [he says] they [him, Ty and his New Girl] were all in a cab on the way home when Ty's new girl got a call from a friend and they stopped off at another bar for a drink and how this guy comes in and he's like, "Oh! So you're New Girl's boyfriend!" And when he saw he was wrong, he was like, "well you should be, you should go for New Girl" blah blah. Jesus God. It just gets better and better with him...

...then this morning he seemed like he was in a pissy mood and was being a little bitch about changing the message on the answering machine [to include my name along with his and Ty's now]. Then he did it. Got in the shower. And I left without saying goodbye. I'm probably going to go to bed before he gets home. It is so hard. I don't know how to do this. Is it so hard because it's new and we're feeling each other out? But is he so set in his ways and will never understand compromise or consideration? Can I DO this? Am I ready for this? Could I EVER get married? Why don't things feel like they did in the days before we went out of town? The romance. The ease. The tenderness."

Little did I know that in just eleven days my entire world was about to change. And I mean really change. What was about to happen would change me. For life.

Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html
Part 22: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_20.html
Part 23: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-23.html
Part 24: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-24.html
Part 25: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-25.html
Part 26: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-26.html
Part 27: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-27.html
Part 28: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-28.html
Part 29: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-29.html
Part 30: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-30.html
Part 31: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/10/my-new-york-diaries-part-31.html
Part 32: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/01/my-new-york-diaries-part-32.html
Part 33: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/01/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 34: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-34.html
Part 35: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-35.html

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