Feb 6, 2012

My New York Diaries - Part 39

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

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Despite the stressful state of my current situation, there was one night when I went out with Jenny sans The Guy and had one of my favorite New York Night. She was now dating a new and much younger guy, Josh who lived in Long Island. He was in a band and was playing at a bar there. Neither of us had ever been to Long Island and she invited me to go and hear them play. We took a train and found this bar and went back into the city afterward with him and a friend of his. I wasn't attracted to him, but his friend liked me. We ended up at a restaurant/bar that I'd always wanted to get into, but unlike so many other places I'd been in the city, this one carded. Finally I was of age and could go. It was everything I hoped. And this guy bought me vodka tonics and dinner. He was really nice and considerate and gentlemanly. It was a very different experience from being out with The Guy. Later, he told Jenny if I ever broke up with my boyfriend that he wanted to date me. It seemed like this little glimpse of a different, nice kind of guy happened at just the right time.

June 30

"Friday night, or rather all through the wee hours of saturday The Guy and I were breaking up. Horribly. Dramatically. Maybe not. But definitely painfully. I don't know what happened! Something went horribly wrong. I t seems like it was a big mistake, and this being said by someone who doesn't believe in accidents. We started out alright. I talked him into going out, I was completely stoked to be going on a "date" with him, which we hadn't done since before we went out of town! We met at Virgin. I got all decked out. So excited. We met and he seemed a little tired. We went somewhere in the east village. Four cosmos. Vodka tonics and scotch for him. I wanted to talk. Just talk. I don't know when or how it turned bad. I remember talking a lot about exes. I was asking lots of questions...

...[he tells me regarding the Ex Girlfriend] that yes, he loved her. Yes he WANTED to marry her. Well of course he must have at the time. But for whatever reason I hear it now and flip my lid. It's The Guy effect. I've never been under anyone's spell like this. So, like I say, I've had "the three magical words on my mind" so I ask, "how many times have you been in love?" Moment of truth. "Two". I ask who. "New Name and Ex Girlfriend". Who?!

...I was really drunk and he was even worse. I don't know what else went on but I started to cry and he was saying we needed to go and I said I didn't want to talk about exes and for him to say something good about us. He wouldn't, so I clung to him, crying all the way home begging him to "tell me something, anything about us". He would say either, "what do you want me to say?" Or nothing at all...

...we're in the doorway next thing I know. I won't go in the house. He's holding onto the doorknob for dear life. He falls completely on his ass at some point and we end up inside. Ty is on the couch "not noticing what's going on" and I feel bad this is happening in front of him...

...[we were now in our bedroom] I don't know what was said but what I remember was him telling me we were not going to be together in September. I was crying and telling him all I wasted was to be with him in September...

...At some point it came out of my mouth, "all or nothing". I didn't realize I'd said it until he repeated it back. Then something was said about how this must be it...

...more, lots more was said. He said I'm miserable with him. There are too many tears. That I'm not ready to live with him...

...here it is - he really WANTED to fall in love with me. He TRIED. BUT. "I don't. I don't love you." I asked, "how do you feel towards me?" He said, "fatherly"...

...why doesn't he want someone who was so willing to stick by him? Didn't he like having someone to go to bed with and wake up with? He said the day on the couch when I was saying a decision had to be made about September that he knew THEN it wasn't going to happen...

...He says we couldn't life together because he's just not ready to get married. ?! I said, "I have never said anything to you about marriage! When did I ever say that word to you?"

...I remember saying I hope he knew what he was losing, what he was letting get up and walk out on him tomorrow. He said, "I do. You have no idea. You'll never know." I think he tried to reach for me, say something as I got up and went into the bathroom. I came back and he was gone. I put on my pajamas and found him in jeans sitting in the kitchen looking very angry. I remember him telling me to, "go to bed. I won't bother you." I don't remember what I was saying. At one point I went over to him and tried to reach out to him. I wanted to hug him. "The Guy..." I said. "What?!" I said, "it doesn't have to end so cold." Then we're in the living room and he looks so mad. He's telling me I'm scaring him. I tell him that's a horrible thing to say. And why? "You just are. Go to bed." He was getting madder and madder and kept telling me how mad he was getting and almost WARNING me to go to ged, or else. This sick part of me wanted to provoke him, to see how mad he'd get. I couldn't accept it and I thought if he'd do something physical, break something, come for me, that would make it real and would all be his fault. He could be in big trouble. But it didn't happen. Thank god. I went to bed. In the kitchen he told me he was no good for me, I needed someone to take care of me...

...I said I didn't believe him when he says he doesn't need people, affection. He said very rudely, "well you better start trying." I told him he's scared to let people get close to him. He kept asking me why I liked him. I don't know what I said. I said for so many reasons and something about how I'm used to people fawning on me and that frustrated me [that he didn't] but I also liked that challenge. I went on to say how I just liked him from the minute I saw him. Before we ever talked. I asked him later, "do you want to know when I first SAW you?" His answer, "No". I asked why and he said, "because I choose not to." Also, at the bar I remember after the exes talk he said something about how SHE "might have to be a pieces ." [as in the one he ends up with] That, I think is what set it off. Him telling me he knew his mate was out there somewhere [and wasn't me]. There was also a weird moment at the bar when he looked out the window and had this big smile on his face. He though he'd recognized "Girl from London". Of course I got suspicious and wondered what that big smile meant. Anyway, back to the story. We're in the kitchen, he said it was all him, "there's nobody else". So now I go to bed. When I wake up I hope he was so drunk he doesn't remember a thing.

[Next morning] I get up. He's still asleep. I fall asleep for awhile. I go get the phone. Call Jenny. My mom. My dad. They [parents] immediately start looking into getting my ticket home. My dad says he wants me out of there as soon as possible. I had told The Guy the night before that this meant I needed to go back to Utah. He said that was the stupidest thing he'd ever heard, to go back because of him. I said all my family and friends were there. He said, "then go to Utah", in a much nicer do-what-you-need-to-do tone.

So now it's morning.

I sit on the couch. We don't' talk. He falls asleep. I send out emails to my Utahns. I go back out. Ty's alarm keeps going off. I want us to talk before Ty gets up. The first thing he says is, "what's going on?" I don't know what to say. I ask if he remembered everything that happened. YES. If it feels unexpected. YES. What would've happened if we'd never moved in together? "We would have continued the old way." And then what? "I don't know." Was it our moving in together that ruined it? "Yes. We weren't ready." I asked, "what made you know it was over?" Long pause. "I don't understand the question." That was a moment of impact. I realized right then how we, how MUCH we do NOT speak the same language. I wanted to reply, "and you never did." I shut my eyes. Two tears trickled down. Some point in the night before I was saying doesn't he think it's worth saving and he said, "you said it was all or nothing. Stick to your guns. It's nothing. I'm nothing because I can't be all." I said I felt like I ruined everything. He said I didn't, WE ruined it. I felt if I sat on that couch any longer I'd just ask why, why, why. He couldn't say anything at that point to give closure or make me feel any better. I would only end up groveling and begging to give me another chance. I had to leave with the little shred of dignity I had left. So I said, "I'll try to get all my stuff out today. Jenny is coming over and I'll stay with her tonight. I have a flight home tomorrow night" and got up and went into the bedroom. He didn't come around or talk to me all day and vice versa...

..he said, "I'm sorry. I wish I could convey how sorry I am." He said it in a snappy tone. Something we've talked about before when it comes to his acting. He has such a hard time being lovey, soft, etc. He asked how I was getting my stuff out. "Josh has a car." He asked, "Jenny's boyfriend?" Yeah. Weird moment. He was telling me to take my time, however long I needed, there was no rush. I said Jenny would be back to get my stuff. When he was about to leave for work I went out there. "You're not going to be here when I get back, are you?" No. We hugged for a long time. "I'm sorry, Deena. I'm so fucking sorry! You're not going to be in Utah for long, are you?" I don't know. "Well you shouldn't. You'll burn. You'll turn into coal." We hugged again. He kissed me on the forehead. "It's not you, it's me. You're right. I can't let anyone get close to me. I'll see you soon." He said to give it some time and keep in touch. He also said how he was "twenty five and I don't' know anything and that scares the shit out of me." That I live my life in black and white and his is grey. He doesn't know what will happen one minute to the next and I plan. He walked out, looking back one last time. Us at opposite ends of the hallway. IT'S OVER. I knew I needed to leave the sooner the better...

...I spent the day alone in the apartment...

...did The Guy once have it in him to be the sweet boyfriend? Why did I just never trust him? Had he fucked around on me?

...was he a cheater? Whey did I make it my mission to piece together clues on all the exes? To find out all I could, I guess...

...spent the next few hours on the couch talking to my mom. Head pounding. Not even able to move. I felt completely deflated. I had no life in me. I couldn't stand. I knew I'd be so unsteady. I couldn't even trust my own two feet to support me...

...I stifled me. I molded me to try to fit into his world. I'm glad I jumped in. I hope I always fucking jump in...

...I dont' have to consume myself with The Guy anymore. The questions 24/7...

...I laughed and talked all night at Jenny's and got through my first night alone without even knowing it..."

It's funny what you still remember all these years later. I can still see my pink pajamas and remember what it felt like to wear them. I can still see us standing at opposite ends of the hall and wondering what kind of last impression I was possibly supposed to leave him with. I think I tried to smile and waved. I was aware of the drama of that moment, the moment before he walked out that door and that was the end.

I remember laying on that couch all day and literally feeling...no, knowing I was going to die. I was sure of it. There was no way I'd ever survive this. I would honestly never get off the couch and I'd be found dead of a broken heart.

Jenny. My sweet Jenny once again rescued me on the breakup night. I packed what I needed to and put the rest aside. I had a shot or two of vodka and soon she was there to help me get my things. As we passed the kitchen for the last time, she saw my headshot on what we jokingly called the "headshot wall". She tore my picture down and I put it right back up, telling her I wanted them to have the reminder. And we were out. I sat in the backseat as Josh drove us to Queens. At Jenny's I vaguely remember drinking screwdrivers and talking to her roommates. They'd all be out of the apartment early in the morning and I'd have it to myself as I got ready and left New York City. This meant a goodbye to my Jenny, too. But we saw it more like a see you soon rather than an end.

I can't really describe how I felt the next morning. But I got up and took plenty of time getting ready. It was important to me to look my best despite how shitty I felt on the inside. I felt both strong and defeated. I played some of my favorite mellow music and went to the airport early. I was in no mood and I remember snapping at a guy who helped me with my bag when I didn't want him to and wouldn't leave my side until I tipped him. I couldn't get home fast enough.

And that's where this chapter of my life closes. I don't remember the flight home, being picked up from the airport, what my parents or friends said that night or in the next few days that followed. I do remember I had a heavy bag that was hitting my thigh as I made my way through the airport and while it hurt, I only had myself to rely on to carry all this luggage so I pulled through. It left a huge bruise. One of the biggest and darkest I've ever had. There are photos of me laying on my moms couch soon after coming back to Utah. The look in my eyes is one of someone who's just been through a lot, and the huge bruise is showing too. I look at those pictures and cringe. I can still [almost] feel the hurt. I just want that poor girl to have a hug and to know that everything turned out just fine...

At the end of school when we wrote our own short plays and my class heard the poem in mine, Kim said it reminded her of a poem she knew and she brought it to me a couple of days later. This poem turned out to mean a lot to me at this time and my next journal entry after the breakup is the poem, and the poem alone.

"After Awhile"

After awhile you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean learning and company doesn't always mean security
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman not the grief of a child
And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight
After awhile to learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers
And you learn they you really can endure
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn
And you learn
With every goodbye you learn

*Next post is the LAST POST!

Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html
Part 22: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_20.html
Part 23: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-23.html
Part 24: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-24.html
Part 25: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-25.html
Part 26: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-26.html
Part 27: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-27.html
Part 28: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-28.html
Part 29: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-29.html
Part 30: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-30.html
Part 31: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/10/my-new-york-diaries-part-31.html
Part 32: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/01/my-new-york-diaries-part-32.html
Part 33: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/01/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 34: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-34.html
Part 35: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-35.html
Part 36: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-36.html
Part 37: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-37.html
Part 38: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-38.html

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