Feb 5, 2012

My New York Diaries - Part 38

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

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WE'RE ALMOST DONE! I'm going to wrap this all up with #40 being a sort of epilogue / where are they now.
Wow. So hang in there, this is it!

June 27

" 'No Man is worth crying over and the one who is won't make you cry.' I wish this one were true. Why do I know that there will always be tears...

...I want to see if it's the teal deal or nothing at all. I am positive I want to stay with him come September. But he doesn't know. He says the newness is wearing off. It's changing. This just all happened on Tuesday. He was calling brokers, questioning about apartments come September. It was freaking me out. I guess I'm a little suspicious ever since [my last roommate situation went horribly wrong] I worry everyone's plotting against me. We started talking. I asked if he thinks it'll be me him and Ty or him and Ty. He said he hadn't thought of it. That he thought we had the next two months to figure it all out. I said I had as well, but now I see we have to make a decision sooner rather than later because we'd need the time to look for a place together or go our separate ways. This started a two hour discussion that ended in my tears. But it wasn't about us fighting. We weren't arguing with each other. We were actually communicating. He was being real. I told him I didn't have to have any more time to think about it. I wanted to just jump in and try. He kept saying he didn't know. He must not have thought it through because he had planned on using the next two months as a "trying it out period". He kept saying he needed more time. How he was against it. He'd always be against it. That he liked it better the way it was before. That it was better when we were just dating. He enjoyed dating me. That I wasn't "seeing the man behind the curtain"...

...he said that the newness was wearing off. That crushed me completely. I asked him what that meant. He said our relationship was changing. That it wasn't a bad thing, it was just changing. I asked him if that meant more comfortable or more boring. He said, "don't say boring. Boring has nothing to do with us." I still don't know what he means. I worry it means losing interest. When faced with this possibility of losing him, I hadn't realized how much I love him and how much I do need to be with him. He said I always "think words are loaded when they're not"...

...he said come September it won't be trying it anymore, it will be doing it. It will be like marriage...

...I just want him to want to try for me for once. I've put in a year. Why can't he put in a year for me? Why can't he see I'm so worth the risk? He said he knows and says to himself how I put up with his shit...

...I am so worreid. So sad. So brokenhearted 24/7. I feel like I only have four weeks left because he's going to say no...

...why do I feel so sure it'll be done? Will we find each other again? He says he feels like an asshole. He makes me feel bad. He holds all the cards. Then why doesn't he do something about it?"

The next blog entry, #39 will be the FINAL DIARY entry followed by #40 as the final post in MY NEW YORK DIARIES!

Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html
Part 22: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_20.html
Part 23: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-23.html
Part 24: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-24.html
Part 25: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-25.html
Part 26: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-26.html
Part 27: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-27.html
Part 28: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-28.html
Part 29: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-29.html
Part 30: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-30.html
Part 31: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/10/my-new-york-diaries-part-31.html
Part 32: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/01/my-new-york-diaries-part-32.html
Part 33: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/01/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 34: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-34.html
Part 35: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-35.html
Part 36: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-36.html
Part 37: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-37.html

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